Day 237

A few weeks ago I had a mild cold, which only held me back for a day or two from work.  Shortly after that I began noticing my existing symptoms of nausea (which I had been experiencing for a number of weeks already) and they seemed to be residing within my chest area.  I was uncertain as to the cause/source of this, and strangely it would be most prevalent in the morning and taper off in the afternoon.  As the symptoms became worse, I found I could no longer work.  This threw a wrench into all the plans and scheduling I had made in the weeks prior to this and so not only was I off work for a couple of weeks, I was out all the plans I had made and also behind in setting up new appointments for the weeks following.  

With this odd sickness and my uncertainty as to the cause and severity, I anticipated the worst case scenario as the symptoms somewhat resembled an episode of a sickness I had acquired just over a year ago - carbon monoxide poisoning.  The carbon monoxide poisoning caused all kinds of terrible symptoms and a month of living hell for which I am lucky to be alive, as many people die from this every year all over the world.

So in this time of reflection I have taken note of a number of points within myself which must be addressed.

1.  I have expectations as to how I believe my process will go, and then when things do not go according to how I expected them to go and go ill - such as the case of my nausea - I have a tendency to give up.  This giving up is within the belief that the current circumstance is the result of my past - and in so I judge myself as having failed myself.  Within that I lose all motivation and no longer have any desire to push resistances, preferring to accept my fate as it is.

2.  In this giving up, points of frustration arise from various thoughts, reflections and self-judgments - what        should I have done - what I should have accomplished - why did I not do things differently etc.  This brings into view the 'not so pretty' picture of who I have allowed myself to become and the fear of being stuck in this state of self-dishonesty.

I notice that when things are going well - money, health, direction etc - that I am over-confident.  Conversely when things are not going well, that I have tended to lose all confidence, preferring to sabotage myself in a form of self-punishment.  This punishment is the pattern that has played out throughout my life, where it has stood in place of finding the solution for myself - because I never conceived that a solution was possible - I always just accepted the fact that if I fail at something or fear to do something, I must punish myself in reflecting to others my frustration and anger so that they will feel sorry for me and change how they are living.   So there is blame within this, and me trying to punish others through punishing myself.  

Why does self-honesty seem superficial?  It seems strange to stand Equal because I fear the judgments of others - fear of being labelled as egotistical, fear of being inconsiderate, fear of revealing myself as who I am, as it is somewhat shameful.  Perhaps I fear losing my personality, perhaps I have not developed enough trust in myself yet to realize when/how to apply and express myself and when/how I am suppressing myself.

This whole point of me wanting to change others is out of line because my priority must first be changing myself.

I realize I have not changed my physical to stand in complete self-honesty yet.  I do desire to stand Equal to myself and my words yet it appears that I am still allowing myself to be controlled by the whims of others - fearing the reactions and judgments of others - as well as fearing taking responsibility and forcing myself to move and change myself - self-discipline.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations as to how my process would go, and within realization that it is not going 'that way', I participated in the pattern of giving up.  I realize this pattern is a cover for self-sabotage and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have failed myself in self-judgement.  I realize that this idea of failure is the pre-programmed design in which we train ourselves to suppress ourselves in the acceptance of a competitive based system rather than living and applying the principle of sharing and self-forgiveness - this idea of failure is therefore unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck in self-dishonesty and so continuing to go in circles in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am compromising and sabotaging myself through self-punishment which I have learned through society and my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expanding myself and learning to trust myself  in stopping myself from being controlled by fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get discouraged with myself to the extent that I believe I must punish and sabotage myself in getting revenge against myself as a proxy to getting revenge on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by sabotaging and punishing myself that I am able to escape consequence and my responsibility to stand within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself through fearing my situation, fearing death and diminishment.  I realize that giving up is futile and not a valid option as it is only a game I play in which I believe that I can try to escape myself momentarily, and so use that time as a justification to go into feelings of regret, blame and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor myself through self-punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

I commit myself to push through the desire to give up within the realization that giving up is futile and only self-harming, and therefore of no benefit to anyone including myself. 

Day 236

So it would appear that I have a slight motivational problem yet I am unsure of the source, so more investigative writing going back into the point and how it started.  So I was feeling upset with things in my life, as the realization is here every day of the problems which seem to be only getting worse.  So the point came up that I am not motivated because I am 'stuck' in a number of problem to which I do not readily have the answer, and to which I am uncertain of the outcome or how I should go about it.  It's quite foolish that I get stuck in these things, and so want to do other things in avoiding the problem (hoping it will solve itself in time) when if I just brainstorm a bit to find a solution, then perhaps I can resolve it on my own.  I think the problem comes from learned behavior of my childhood.  I can recall not wanting to do homework and schoolwork, as I did not care about getting good grades.  So within the education system, I trained myself to deny my responsibilities in a way because I was able to get away with it without seeing any significant consequence.   I  trained myself to procrastinate, and trained myself to be rebellious to the system, contriving ways that I could 'just get by', as I really was not interested in schoolwork whatsoever.

So coming back to the problem of no motivation, as me just wanting to do everything in the last minute I realize that it really causes problems for me and compounds issues that really should not be that big of a deal.  I have to find ways to motivate and discipline myself, which seems very difficult at the moment – a big change.   I have to realize that if I do not find a way to motivate myself, the situations get worse and problems create frustration and anger and all kinds of more problems.  I have created a situation where because I did not take responsibility in the past to create for myself something rewarding that is stable and that I would really enjoy, now I have the consequence to deal with for that, which is really not cool.  This on top of this constant vendetta my mind has on me where I have to constantly seek revenge on myself for what I allowed in my past.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I hate working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money to advertise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing resistances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and spite myself through neglect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through procrastination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to search for a solution to my problem, but prefer to allow them to accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting too much money on gas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear overcharging people for estimates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make the wrong decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going broke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my house and my vehicle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that gas prices will become too expensive for me to work and do business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world and so want to take that out on myself through denying myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to take out a vendetta against myself because of what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to foresee a goal and a plan that would be effective in allowing myself to be productive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn how to discipline myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself for my past.

Day 235 - Complaining Character

Looking at this character of myself who complains.  The type of complaining that is not assisting or supporting, but making excuses for myself and pitying myself as if to desire that 'such and such an event' did not happen.  I have experienced this at times when speaking with others regarding how things are going with work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the complaining character in my mind where I wish things did/did not happen rather than take responsibility for what has happened in the past and realize the consequence was created through me allowing fear to direct and control me and thus me not taking responsibility to stand Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on the future in expecting things to turn out in a certain way based on my internal judgement of how I perceive things should turn out.  I realize that I must embrace all of myself as what is here as me and in that, accept the physical consequences that manifest and work with them to create a solution and prevent further ill consequence from being created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a diversion - which supports my secret world of self-interest, rather than facing the actual points within myself as to why certain consequences are happening in my life, which if I were to face these points, it would assist me to develop self-discipline within myself so that I could (to the extent I am able) avert much negative consequences in my life, and thus the lives of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a form of blaming situations, people, or organizations rather than taking responsibility within the realization that I am responsible to change myself and stop blaming within myself.

I commit myself to change myself within speaking to others to become Aware of when I am in 'complaining character' and so direct myself to look at the point in self-honesty to see where I am not taking responsibility within myself to direct myself and discipline myself.

I commit myself to stop all complaining, unless I am specifically directing a point of complaint in a way that is constructive in supporting realization in myself and others as to living solutions as what is Best for All.

I commit myself to address any points of internal conversations in my mind where I sense myself complaining to myself - so that I can direct those thoughts to see what complaining is hiding within myself and what points I am not facing within myself.

Day 234 - Investigative Writing

This blog may seem a bit jumbled, as I was doing investigative style writing in order to get to the issue which I have been experiencing and dealing with over the past little while.

So considering this morning, how I experience the point within myself of frustration/resentment towards myself, where I appear to want to get revenge on myself, and through this I do not want to assist and support myself, but prefer to suppress myself in denial, as if to desire to get back at myself for all the injustice I have suffered.  So the point must be blame – blame of myself and others on a deeper level?  Do I blame so much that I cannot get past the point?  Is it covering up fear?  Fear of what?  Why must I get revenge on myself all the time as if my personality must equalize the score – to prove to myself that I suffered and to make sure that that other aspect of my bi-polar personality clearly understands that I suffered so it gets the message not to do it again – but the mind doesn't stop, it compounds until I can find my true expression of myself in self-honesty.  

So there are times when I feel as though I am 'winning the race', and everything is going great, and I am exuberant and feel that nothing can stop me or get in my way.  Then there at times I feel like I am desperately losing the race, and that I am so far behind there is no point even trying.  It is at these low points that I want to deny everything and just hide from myself, as if wanting to just give up, all hope seems lost.  At these low points, self-honesty seems like the system, where I would have to apply self-discipline – yet disciplining oneself when one feels 'down' only seems like further punishment.  

The point is why does it take me so long to pull out of negatively charged experiences?  Why do I fear/resist being diligent?  Why do I resist changing myself as an expression? Why do I resist self-honesty?  Why do I not trust self-honesty?  Do I feel it is because it is a borrowed idea of myself – yes.  I see so much superficiality around me, self-honesty seems extremely superficial to me, as I see many people claim to be honest, yet they are motivated by fear and/or comfort, which is very transparent.

So my point of self-denial comes from within my mind, where I am in judgment of others because I have seen within them their starting point of fear being expressed as 'a form of self-honesty', yet it is dishonesty – so I have taken the polarity of that expression where I am trying to get revenge on others whom I have judged in my mind as 'dishonest' (whether it be true or not is irrelevant).  So to re-iterate, I desire to punish myself for what I see in others through taking on a personality, and this prevents me from seeing/realizing and understanding my actual expression of myself – because I feel so upset that so many people seem to be getting away with the equivalent of murder, and because I see it, I have to be responsible in my mind to judge it and condemn it, which ultimately leads to self-sabotage.  Self sabotage seems to be related to how much I am aware of my own self-suppression and denial.

Similar to the point is self-righteousness, which from the perspective of Equality is quite perverse and detestable.  I understand that whenever I am not pushing my resistance I am giving in to this system of self-righteousness, where I take the liberty to decide that I would rather not push my resistance at the moment because it seems like work - as the negatively charged energetic experience of myself.

There is no real backchat, as it is an assumption I have lived all my life as, if there is no-one here, I can do whatever I want, where I have created a situation for myself where my responsibilities are very limited - thus excuse not to move myself.

The backchat is that I am not happy with myself, where I am in my situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the backchat that "I am not happy with myself right now" as a means of self-manipulation where I can go into self-pity and emotional feelings of positive/negative energetic experiences of myself as a false reward system I have created for myself .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself and get frustrated with myself and my situation, and in so desire to seek revenge on myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to get into this situation in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in denial of myself because I sense the resistance as I do not wish to push the resistance because I define it as a 'negative energy' experience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and myself for the mind created 'injustice' I have apparently suffered.  I realize that this is a self-centered belief that does not help me or support me in any way but only leads to thoughts of comparison and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get revenge on myself from the thought that I have suffered because of the greed of others in this world - yet I was actually the one that allowed greed to exist and evolve over time to the extent which it exists today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a personality of who I would like to experience myself as rather than standing as myself as the physical in applying myself with consistency, integrity and disciplining myself in awareness of how the mind sabotages my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the motivation that I feel that I am winning, and so feed off that energy in order to further motivate myself in getting things done.  I move myself as self movement which requires no motivation to direct myself as Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get upset and down on myself when things do not appear to be working the way I expected them to, or unexpected things come up - which they ALWAYS do.   I realize that at these low points I must investigate myself and what triggers am I allowing within myself that cause such self-destructive patters within myself... this so that I can prepare myself  to focus myself so that I may face myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the realization that I must discipline myself as the mind or it will take me where it wants to go as riding the magic carpet of the mind into delusion and self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my judgment of others as being honest or dishonest and so create a reflective personality within myself where I desire to punish myself in an effort to appear to my mind that I am doing something to make myself 'feel better than' person x whom I have judged as dishonest.  Interesting how the mind wants to use judgment as a form of condemnation, and this when I am not even being fully honest with myself in all ways and in every breath.   I realize that I must be clear on this point within myself so that I do not sabotage myself further... As feeling good about myself tends to put me in a state of ease and specialness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/desire that other people should punish themselves because of their own dishonesty.  I realize that each person must realize for themselves on their own time, as that is just how self-honesty works, no one is able to do it for someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my actual expression of myself because I desire to get revenge through a belief/judgment in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the liberty to allow the mind to dictate what I should do and when, and in so I am allowing myself to create myself as self-centered and self-righteous.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in stopping these patterns of denial within myself.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in stopping the patterns of manipulation within myself

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in stopping the patterns of judgment within myself, and so learn to discipline myself in learning to trust myself here as breath without the need/desire of positive/negative energetic experiences which only serve to fuel my ego personality, which is not real.

Day 233

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get discouraged with myself in process due to an illness, and so within that allow myself to blame myself and get frustrated with myself for getting sick and not understanding the reason/diagnosis of why I got sick.  I realize that blame and frustration are not acceptable because they only further support the mind in suppression of myself and charging the mind with energy in polarity and so propagating more and more delusions within myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and avoid my responsibility to myself through deciding to do the easiest thing to do in the moment.  This because I decide to believe that I have a choice to do 'what I want to do', and neglect what is necessary to be done.  I realize I do this because I fear the possibility of failure and/or facing negative consequence - so I allow my mind to direct and control me because there is the justification that if I just put things off long enough, the problem will go away on its own, and I will not  have to deal with the possibility that I did not do a good enough job, or that someone will say that I did not work hard enough, or that I am somehow not skilled enough.

I realize this fear of failure/fear of consequence comes from how the conscious mind was programmed as my personality as - GIVING UP with the excuse and justification that I don't have to do it if I don't want - because I am free to be SPITEFUL because I can, and everyone else is spiteful of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe compliance with Equality as living what is best for all is ass kissing, being a suck, and being a 'goodie-two-shoes'.  I realize that these definitions I have created in my mind are based on the past within the system as judgments of others so that I could feel better about myself and not have to take responsibility to do and be the best that I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I would be were I to take responsibility for myself in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning and dread having to push resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that pushing resistances is actually the only way that I will feel best about myself as doing what is best for everyone.  Everything else will lead to misery for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the negative energy I experience within myself when working will go on seemingly forever and there will be no break from the negative energy I experience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would give up should anything happen to my physical body that would prevent me from functioning in a reasonable manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get revenge on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the positive energy experience of avoiding responsibility through going on auto pilot and doing nothing productive.


I commit myself to direct myself to push my resistances first thing in the morning and throughout the day - this in spite of how I feel.  I realize that emotions will come up, so I must write them out to expose them right away so that I can stop the source of the problem.

I commit myself to walk this process as breath in moving myself and shaking myself out of the mind possession so that I can contribute and create myself as what is best for all in all ways and at all times.

Day 232

When did I learn to dislike myself?  Just asking myself this question now.  Besides that, where and when did I learn to judge myself, and judge myself so harshly?  Where did I copy this attitude that I must punish myself because apparently I am not 'good enough'?  Clearly the most influential people in my life when I was young were my parents, yet they are not altogether to blame, because they merely reflect the entire system as trying to attain and comply with "what is normal, morally right behavior".

What is generally accepted as 'normal' is what has been dictated and passed down through the generations - by systems of beliefs based in fear/paranoia.  Now to consider the extent to which I accepted and allowed myself to be coerced, manipulated, betrayed, and poisoned by these same beliefs and fears that were passed down again and again, is a harsh realization.  I gave in to fear at a very early age, and from then developed the pattern of constantly giving-in, over and over and over again, until I perfected it for myself, and trapped myself in a never ending cycle of giving-in, to fear.

Many fears I have overcome in my life, yet the programming has so deeply ingrained and imprinted itself into my being that stopping it all and changing myself becomes quite the task, as it all has to be removed layer by layer, like a reptile shedding its skin.

It's a fear in itself to think of who I would be without fear.  Just considering it right now, if I actually had no fear how much I would change would be radical, as much of my life revolves around fear.

*pause for a moment of reflection*

The point I have to consider actually is that because many of my decisions in the past were not really common sense, rather just what I 'thought' made sense at the time in my own self-interest.  Therefore it is necessary for me, rather than do whatever I feel like in the moment, but to consider the implications and consequences for everyone, all life.


I learned all this self-judgment from one premise, that being the belief that I was less than others - not realizing or understanding my real value as an Equal, I was constantly faced with a barrage of instructions on how to be, how to appear, how to follow orders, and how to be a 'good' person.   I never developed self trust because I was so busy judging myself.  I realize that I cannot continue in these destructive patterns of self-judgement.  It has to stop, the mind has to stop and I must stand as Equal to the physical.

Day 231

My process lately is focusing on focusing myself to be more effective, efficient, and disciplined with myself.  I naively underestimated many things in my life - to the extent that I created a series of patterns for which I even went so far as to underestimate the consequences of underestimation, for which payment is continual and indefinite as long as the source problem is not resolved.  A number of factors have played into this, some assumptions, some fears, some neglect out of desire to escape consequence, some irresponsibility, some oversights, some lack of support, some misdirection, some desperation, and of course some foolishness.  I have struggled to extinguish all of these systems within myself, and in so to make my work credible and worthy enough so as to negate all of the misaligned shortcomings of my past acceptances and allowances.

I would be extremely delighted and relieved to wake up to an Equal Money System tomorrow.  Where each and every one of us shared responsibility, but that will take some time.  Till then, we all pay.  Even the top Elite are aware they are living a lie, and deep down it feels like shit - because when you are not real with yourself, nothing else is real either.  Just a faker in a fake world... no Life.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume things about Life and so follow assumptions through my desire for personal experience in self-interest, this without having the full understanding of how things actually work in this reality and why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing Equal to others in this world in the money system and exchange of money, where I have tried to play the false humility character as the hero in my mind who is saving the world through sidestepping the existing system out of a mind constructed imaginary heroic character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself and desire to escape consequence, when I realize that consequence cannot be avoided or escaped, and that I must face my consequence eventually as it is inevitable as me facing my own creation - sadly that of dishonesty with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irresponsible with myself in that I did not take full responsibility to investigate my reality to find out what is actually going on and how I can best support myself and others through supporting the only solution to this world as living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have oversights within my participation in this reality where I did not consider all dimensions of the problems we all face as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as 'lack of support' when the physical reality is right here for me to see in every breath and every conversation/transaction that takes place, dishonesty is prevalent and self is always aware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within desperation in fear of myself and others... the fear that others will judge me and/or condemn me thus cause me to diminish and lose the image I have in my head of myself - as that which I believe makes people like me, thus giving me security and comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in foolishness towards myself and my reality, taking existence for granted when I did not really understand it for myself within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a position where my only option is to continue to pay interest on the debt I have because I accepted the corruption of fear and self-manipulation and self-interest as a mode of life, when this InEquality is unimaginably horrific for many people in this world, as well as many who have gone before us.

Day 230 - Agreements

The point of relationship/agreement came up within me today as it often does.  So looking at the point is somewhat perplexing as it has so many facets, so many variables, and so many unknowns... like a massive web of uncertainty... This must be Shelob's Lair haha.   The question I ask myself is... "What is My Relationship to Life?"

One of the main points I see within this is in the past the relationships that I have had have been based on self-interest, so from a certain perspective it was easy as I was just trying to get what I wanted.  Then as any challenge presented itself, there was nothing holding me (system wise or self) to any relationship, because I was aware that it was all self-interest on both ends.

Another point is that I realize that there are rewards from an agreement, yet I do not always consider that there are challenges as well, yet with applying oneself self-honestly, there is always the realization that there is always a solution that is best for all, and the rewards will outweigh the problems as they provide the lasting solution to the problems.

Another point I see within myself is considering the fragility of our existence, the many factors and fears which come into play based on this ought to be enough to make anyone question and wonder what the hell is really going on here, obviously far, far more than meets the eye.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own existence as within the definition of being fragile and so use this definition as a justification to not move myself, subjecting myself to fear in fearing for my own survival.

Another point is self-acceptance and do I fully accept myself enough to support myself and another within an agreement?  That is to say to walk in all ways that support self in the process of walking, pushing resistances, trusting oneself and changing oneself to support one another to be the best that each one can be.   As I look at this point I become more aware of physical uniqueness and being able to embrace that as myself and within another.   I am committed to myself regardless of whether or not an agreement is reached with another or not, I will walk alone if necessary, as I have for many years.

Related to this is the actual practicality, which has an endless amount of obstacles on it's own, all attached to every other point all leading back to the starting point of myself here in my decision to live what is best for all.

Another point being that within our current system, financial stability has a great deal to do with what/how/when/why/who relationships/agreements are established, and to the extent that a person's/couples complete identity is based on a financial statement.  This - complete bullshit - stifles Life out of everyone and everything yet at the same time I realize the necessity of self support, so the point has to be taken into consideration as always within the context of what is best for all.  
  
Clearly there are many other points as this barely scratches the surface. Overall there is greater potential as strength in numbers and coordinated support, yet the task of creating it remains to be seen.

I realize Desteni has an Agreement Course which will definitely be worth while looking into as a foundational support for establishing an agreement.

Day 229

I am still feeling a little ill today, and as a consequence of this, I have noticed a slight despondence within myself.  The predominant experience of myself is negative, a struggle, with a random dash of momentary enjoyment.  Illness does not negate our responsibility to breathing.  This illness is showing me what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as virtually powerless to change (the illness).  This is a result of me believing I could get away with the egotistical belief that I was better than and had control over the physical.

As it exists, the reality of consequence is a relentless and somewhat unforgiving teacher.  We only have so much time allotted to figure ourselves out in this world, and once it is figured out, it seems there is even less time and opportunity to have a significant impact.   Consciousness as the system continuously locks us into patterns which increasingly wall us in and thus prevent expansion.  Had we understood (Equality) from the beginning, certainly any one of us would have been more influential and/or famous than Jesus and Hitler combined.

Nevertheless, we learn to create ourselves as life despite what the system dictates to us to be, realizing that all potential stems from here, through self forgiveness and realization.  First is the knowledge based realization as understanding which must be applied within writing/speaking ourselves out... this moves us to deeper realizations where there is the physical/actual point of self-realization, which is so profound and undeniable that the physical change is inherent, instant, and automatic dissolving the point completely.



 

Day 228

So I have been sick again over the past few days... not sure what this one is/was but just started to feel better today.  Anyway, I allowed myself to get discouraged with myself as I had planned on working to get business rolling, yet it did not turn out as expected.  I assumed the worst of the situation, and so in a way I 'gave up' and made things a bit worse on myself.  I am still clinging to a personality when things like this happen.  It's like I let go of all caring and no longer care for anything, even myself because there appears to be nothing I can do to resolve the situation.  The mind always seeks to avoid facing consequence.

So this anger I have towards myself when an unexpected consequence arrives is due to me still desiring my own way in my mind, despite what is here in the physical.  This is the point of letting go of the mind/ego desire for control of the physical reality.  What I must do is embrace the consequence, here being my sickness, and use the time to slow myself down.  Perhaps my physical body needed a break, perhaps I was pushing myself too hard.  Perhaps I was making too many assumptions and had projected and imposed imaginary expectations.  Obviously there is the point of fear of survival playing out here, where I desire to make money to survive, which becomes a problem if I allow that fear to such an extent that it controls who I am and creates discouragement, anger, and sabotage within me.

I tried to investigate the point a couple times, but I was not able to fully see the starting point, and there seemed to be more than one cause.   This is typically when I neglect or 'tune out' as being angry and in conflict with myself as I can't see even why the whole scenario is taking place... as my mind does not want to.  I expect that if I do fully investigate the point I will uncover some point where I am at fault for doing something wrong, and so in fear of going into self-judgement causing more discouragement, I prefer to just ignore the point until my anger subsides enough that I can figure out what happened.                              

So a problem which develops from this is that I do not push the resistance to look at the point, and so this anger gets bottled up inside me because the point is not dealt with, so consequently I am in a point of suppression and denial and a resonant inner anger, which is not cool at all.  This is how I have dealt with many problems throughout my life, burying things within myself... so stopping this behavior pattern will take some effort.




I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the worst in a situation, and so go into a point of giving up on myself.  I realize that giving up is an acceptance and allowance of further suppression and so actually supporting the problem and making it worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on the physical reality in a desire to control the physical reality rather than work with what is here.  I realize that I am relieved to not have to be in control of everything, so I can take responsibility as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through engaging in inner conflict with myself as anger out of fear of survival.  I realize that sabotaging myself will not help the situation any.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire better circumstances for myself rather than facing the consequences of what is here as myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be created as.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into a pattern of giving up, self-sabotage and/or self-punishment, I stop and breath and investigate the point - addressing first why I fear looking at the point, and then opening up the point to not allow any self-judgement, sabotage, or self-punishment within myself.

Day 227

It started with a fear of losing my opportunity to express myself, a regret of a memory where I did not express myself in the way that I wanted to express myself - hence resentment at myself for rather than doing what I actually wanted to do, I suppressed myself.  This point stems from so many layers of suppression built into the system, where it has been accepted as normal to suppress ourselves over and over again - yet there is always a consequence within self, as self is fully aware.

I must also look at the point within the context of - had I done what I wanted to do, what would have been the consequence of that?  Was it a responsible decision that would have been best for all?   The point is that I am still attempting to live within/through my idea based on my memories of the past, rather than doing what is best for myself and all as the physical here and now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to live out of my memories of the past in the desire to fulfill my ideals and correct what I should have done in the past as express myself rather than suppress myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the point of regret of what I had accepted and allowed within myself within the past in a form of self-condemnation where I believe that I must punish myself over and over for what I did/did not do in the past.

I realize that here is the point of change for myself through self forgiveness and taking responsibility to change myself and express myself as what is best for all.

I have to investigate this point further as apparently I have not gotten to the bottom of it and it is now a major point of distraction.

Day 226 - Double-Mindedness a.k.a. Bi-Polar Disorder

From Wikipedia
Bipolar disorder or bipolar affective disorder (historically known as manic–depressive disorder or manic depression) is a psychiatric diagnosis for a mood disorder. Individuals with bipolar disorder experience episodes of a frenzied state known as mania (or hypomania), typically alternating with episodes of depression.

At the lower levels of mania, such as hypomania, individuals appear energetic and excitable and may in fact be highly productive. At a higher level, individuals begin to behave erratically and impulsively, often making poor decisions due to unrealistic ideas about the future, and may have great difficulty with sleep. At the highest level, individuals can experience very distorted beliefs about the world known aspsychosis. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes; some experience a mixed state in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. Manic and depressive episodes typically last from a few days to several months and can be interspersed by periods of "normal" mood.





What is double-minded/Bi Polar disorder?  This problem is quite simply a symptom and result of not facing who we really are, not being honest with ourselves and thus not knowing ourselves for real.  We can ask ourselves a series of questions to determine if we are in fact double-minded/Bi Polar... Here are some examples...


Do I desire something (ex. happiness), and then at times desire something that would compromise what would be required for myself to live and express that certain happiness?

Do I sometimes say one thing, and then when I am around another person, say something different or even the exact opposite?

Do I exist within 2 or more characters in my mind, where one character is the 'bad' character and the other is the 'good' character whom I use to appease my conscience and justify the actions of the bad character?

Do I ever fantasize about myself in particular situations in my mind, where I make myself out to be the hero of the situation and so I feel better about myself?

Do I ever make decisions based on the fact that I feel happy and so want to do something good for someone to puff up my good character - so that I can eventually feel relieved of enough guilt that I can go back to my bad character?

Do I ever emulate characters through my personality to get things that I want from other people?

Do I constantly struggle with myself, going from high to low to high to low... back and forth in a never ending  cycle - apparently beyond the control of our will power to direct?

Do I really know myself, or do I exist in fear of being honest with myself about who I really am?

Do I fear losing either the good or the bad characters or both?

Do I second-guess myself all the time, being unable to stick with decisions?

Do I really believe that I can exists as a split personality, in two different worlds and not ever have to face myself?

Am I upset with myself because I know I am not being honest with myself?

Am I tired of playing the game and running away from myself?

Most will only get this (as I did) after a somewhat life threatening, shocking, or traumatic physical experience causes us to question who we are in this reality.

Join Desteni and Take the Desteni I Process to stop Double-Mindedness and Get Real with yourself.

Day 225 - What if?

What if you are god, but you got amnesia and forgot who you were?

What if you became lost in your own creation with no way out?

What if you realized that you were somehow abducted as a child, and a virus/program was inserted into you, and your memory was wiped of the experience... this so that you would never question the system you exist within, even if it is obvious that billions suffer in your world?  

What if you were brainwashed into believing a system of ideas, even the very idea that you were never brainwashed... And if anyone ever suggested you were brainwashed, your brainwashing would kick-in to defend your belief that you are not, and never were, brainwashed?

What if your whole reality was constructed to validate your ideas so as to try and get you to fall for the biggest and most obvious lie - because apparently everyone else believes it... would you know the difference?

What if your creation turned out to be a giant Chinese finger trap that you couldn't solve... and the more you tried to escape, the more it squeezed you, and the more fearful you became, until you surrendered to fear once again?

What if somewhere along the line you gave in to fear altogether, and decided never to question the system, but to just be content with your enslavement trap?

What if you became part of a dangerous cult and you didn't even know it?

What if you realized that every group, company, or organization within a corrupt economic system suits the description of a cult, and that the word cult only exists in your mind as a definition based in knowledge and information connected to an image of fear - as another way to keep you enslaved...?

What if you died and crossed over to the other side, only to realize you wasted your life on self-interest, and denied the opportunity to forgive yourself and change when you had the chance.?

Join the Journey to Life and find the undeniable answer for yourself.

Day 224 - Learning to Trust the Physical

Learning to trust the physical is an interesting part of process.  When we drop all the fears we were living as/within before, we realize that we can no longer trust those mental ideas we had once placed so much of ourselves into.  We cannot trust experiences, because they are over as soon as they start, and so they do not  provided any lasting solution.  We cannot trust our expectations, because our expectations very rarely materialize the way we expect them too, thus untrustworthy.  We cannot trust our dreams, as that would be foolishly and blindly trusting in some higher power.   Besides that, look where all the dreams of humanity have brought us to... a planet and race on the brink of total collapse and annihilation?  Dreams are certainly untrustworthy then.  We cannot trust our feelings and we definitely cannot trust our thoughts.  Thoughts have an arbitrary origin and only serve the mind of pre-programmed beliefs and egotistical opinions.  Thoughts also produce feelings which, like an addictive drug, keep use enslaved to serving our own self interest rather than living in common sense as what is Best for All.

We cannot trust what our parents, friends, and teachers taught us, as we eventually realize that all of that indoctrination and add-vice was spoken in a desire to manipulate us into a certain behavior   Obviously the mind cannot be trusted, as the mind exists in fear, fearing for its own survival.   The mind seeks to avoid any and all responsibility - because if we were to actually take responsibility for ourselves and all life, the mind would have no place to exist.  The mind is the point of separation, which exists in conflict with the physical.

What if we were to place our complete trust in ourselves, as the physical?  What would it be like to walk every day in complete trust of oneself with no fear, expressing oneself in full responsibility and accountability towards all Life?  What would it be like, to not be enslaved to a government, or a corporation, or a fear, or a system, or a thought, or any feelings?  Who would I be, if I was not enslaved?  Is there a limit on what I could be and what I could not be?  Obviously, I am not the only one in existence here, so I must first do whatever is required to support all life Equally as myself, so as to sustain my own existence and the existence of others eternally.

Trusting the physical seems very strange, yet it is such a relief from all the fear.  I am here, and I express myself based on what is here as me.  I take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed myself to be created as, and in that way, I learn how to direct myself from the starting point of breath.   I realize how critical it is to be fully aware of every decision I make, and the consequences thereof.... As I now see the horrible path that irresponsibility, denial, positive feelings, hopes, dreams, and desires has lead me on.

Join the Desteni I Process   

Day 223 - Desire

De-sire

Noun A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

Verb Strongly wish for or want (something).

Synonyms noun.   wish - longing - craving - request - lust - will - want verb.   wish - want - will - crave - like - yearn - long - covet

So what is a Desire?  To give a random vague definition to this word as the dictionary is somewhat lacking and must be considered irresponsible.

If we examine a little deeper into what exactly is a Desire, and where does it come from, we can find some revealing patterns and associations develop.

Desire in itself is not 'bad' or 'good'.  What is definitely 'bad' is when Desire stems from dishonesty and deliberate spitefulness, so that terrible consequence is created.  So within self-introspection, if I see a point of Desire within me, I test to see if the Desire supports what is best for all, because I am aware that if it does, then I am ok with my inner self and my outer world.  If a Desire masks a form of greed, where I seek to get more for myself, to try and make myself better than others, then there is a problem.  The key point to realize is that if I delude myself within a selfish Desire, and so do not realize the great gift of life - as giving and sharing as you would like to receive - then I am in serious shit, because I have compromised myself, my self honesty, for a temporary high and a quick fix.

When we do not take responsibility to support Equality of Life, we are allowing dishonesty and spite to go unchecked in our world, and therefore we are the direct contributors to the problem through our acceptance and allowance as neglect.

Storytime...

I was walking down the road on a very hot day in downtown Acapulco,  I saw a scruffy looking man coming towards me, he had a distasteful scowl on his face and looked me right in the eye as if he wanted to show me something.  He had a bucket half filled with water and he spilled some out on the boiling hot sidewalk along with a 12" catfish.  He held his taunting glare as he walked past, as if daring me to run and save the fish he had left behind to die a painful death.  I cringed at the sight of the fish's last moments fighting for air on the burning hot concrete.

This man's only desire was to see another being suffer needlessly, and so to get a reaction from me.  Why was I surprised when this kind of senseless abuse is a constant ongoing thing in this world, only not within our vision.  The constant torture of existence, where no one has the capacity to care.  All place imaginary borders in their head, cutting ourselves off from realizing the fabricated illusion of separation.  Subjecting ourselves to a system of absolute denial and blatant stupidity as if this life we live is a FTW Free for All.

We will even deny the fact that we are denying the fact - and then believe that we will somehow get away Scott-free.  We have a great deal of work to do if we would like to be Life on this planet.

Join the Desteni I Process


More to come on this....

Day 222 - Fear, Desire, and Consequence

I saw a video of a man playing guitar on the street.    The strangest things can at times show us something profound within ourselves – the key is that we must have placed ourselves in a position to be able to see it.  If we have allowed ourselves to be blinded to our true self (by emotions, feelings, and ideas such as - guilt, shame, judgment, blame, regret, and anger etc.) we will not see who we really are when opportunities present themselves here... we will not have profound realizations, and we will not grow to our fullest potential, because we are literally constricted, choked, and smothered out by the belief that these emotions, feelings, and ideas are “Who We Are”.


This 'Belief' then creates a Fear, the Fear that if we were to give up our feelings/emotions/ideas about ourselves, we would be completely miserable, and so just want to die!!  So because we fear losing our belief of “Who We Are” - We try to hide that realization from ourselves by creating, accepting, and allowing another Belief in/as the Justification that “We are Powerless to Change!... But really, it's a simple case of Fear, based solely on a past indoctrination, upbringing, and memories which are all formulated, biased, passed-down, second-hand opinions and therefore merely recycled false-assumptions.  


The fear then goes unchallenged, because this is apparently the 'Very Scary' and 'Untouchable' God of the mind, which is simply the system as knowledge and information.  This system wants you to remain enslaved to fear forever, because if you are enslaved to fear, you are enslaved to the system.


Out of these false assumptions and beliefs, we then develop a desire, which is actually an advanced state of fear, where we have so earnestly sought an escape from all the negative feelings of abuse, suppression, and self-denial, that we think an energetic high as a personal experience will make us feel better and everything will be OK again!?  Not So.  We actually amplify and create more fear (as desire) in order that we may give ourselves more excitement within the mind as energetic delusions and temporary highs – which only serve to create more consequence in waiting.


Nonetheless, we remain addicted to our energetic mind-games.  We nurture the desire to feel better about ourselves at the expense of others.  This despite the consequence, which we cannot grasp as the extreme limitation of the mind as consciousness.  We claim to not understand how it works... another clever justification to the extent that we actually create the idea that we can simply turn a blind eye to all the suffering in the world and believe that we are separate from it,... “So glad I will never have to face that situation/problem”.  “Its in a different area of the world, so I can just forget about it and pretend that it is not really happening”... “Everyone over there deserves it anyway”.  


That is the lie.  The reality is that we can change, and we all have the power to direct ourselves and change into what is Best for All.  Most simply prefer to use any given random excuse to justify why they do not wish to change.  For example, the other day I heard the following excuse when I suggested to someone that they could support Equality. “I/We can't”... “It's too big”.  Will that excuse fly when you die and face yourself?  You didn't want to be honest with yourself because... it's too big?  What would assist one more would be to say “I don't want to change because I don't want to give up my comforts and self-enjoyments”, that way perhaps would make it easier to see your own selfishness, and then perhaps assist yourself to change, to give as you would like to receive.

The only real joy is in Self Honesty.




Investigate the Desteni I Process

Day 221

I went to a business networking meeting today, where about 50 people gathered for a lunchtime discussion and some networking opportunities.  I had the chance to meet a few people and trade cards which may prove helpful in the future.  Everyone had an opportunity to stand up and introduce themselves to the group.  I strongly considered using my 30 seconds to preach about Equality, but decided it was a bit too extreme, so I would save it for another time lol.

It was interesting when I stood up and said my name and business name (Williams Handyman Service) - I did not speak with confidence, it was more of just say it and sit down.  Rather than commit myself to myself within the moment, I was just wanting to get it over with as quickly as possible, slightly ashamed, not just for myself but for everyone, that we are all part of this pretentious and delusional system of mental hierarchy, fear based judgments, denial, and self-interest.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by a feeling of shame as everyone being part of a system of enslavement - rather I commit myself to stand fully as myself within this process of establishing myself in taking responsibility to stand as an Equal to All things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping an emotion/feeling energetic reaction within myself - because I fear that if I do not experience that emotion/feeling then I fear that I will become of 'no value' because I have no feeling, which is a lie because I can stop a feeling and create an expression of myself from nothing as an act of self-movement in freeing myself from the system of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that energetic feeling/emotion reactions give me value, and thus are a 'valuable experience' to be 'valued' and 'cherished' as a memory and/or a separate 'achieved value' within my mind in that is given valuation through its ability to produce 'good' energetic feelings within my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see what is causing the emotion/feeling reactions within myself, so that I can write it out and discover the starting point to see if it is aligned with what is best for all, or whether a point needs to be forgiven/changed within myself.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an experience of myself in the future rather than being here with myself within breath and dealing with each situation as it arises in trusting myself to always do what is best for all in each moment of breath.

I commit myself to direct myself within moving myself as breath, as the point where I decide to bring myself to Life through becoming self-honest and pushing myself to live what is best for all in each moment.

Day 220

How can anyone deny the sickness that is our world?   Is our desire for selfish experience so alluring, so tantalizing that we cannot even see - what is the actual cost, the consequence of our collective, childish inconsideration, blatant irresponsibility, and our cruel humiliation of Life?   What massive mental block exists within ones mind that would prevent someone from seeing the reality of our situation on this planet?

It's the Ego of course, the Mind stuck on a singular track, powered by positive and negative states, like a continual roller-coaster ride, up and down, up and down, and all over again. .


All one has to do is to simply look around and observe how snowed and scared everyone is... complete zombies looking for their next energetic stimulation/addiction so that we can, for a little longer, Fake that we are alive - content to play the game and just 'see what happens!'...  As long as I can hope for love and happiness!?!  It's not  actual happiness that we enjoy though, but the constant energetic thrill in the hoping and believing that we can get 'more happiness' in the future, and finally satisfy our deepest craving by storing a memory - yet it never satisfies - because it's not real.  All it really is, is the dishonest desire to find more and more energy as 'happiness' - hoping that it will make amends for all the guilt and shame we feel inside, but it does not do this... and real happiness can never be found in chasing after fake happiness.

There is only one way to real happiness, as there is only one solution to our world.  There is one group that supports what is best for all Life, there is one principle that upholds the value of Life as Equality.  You can argue till you are 6 feet in the ground, sunk in the sea, or merely a pile of ashes, but your opinion will not affect the physical reality, as the absolute law of what is here.  Investigate Desteni and take the free course to see if you can find it within yourself to stand for Life.
 

Day 219 - Car Accident Wake Up Call

So today driving home from work, traffic began to slow on the road leading to my home community.  It turns out there had just been an accident.  There was fresh debris everywhere, and about 20 people had stopped and were doing what they could to help.   As I drove by the half crushed car, there was a woman sitting on the ground with a few people standing around her.  She was fully conscious yet obviously very shaken from the incident.  She held a bloody rag to her face and I could see streaks of blood on the area all around her throat.

Seeing things like this brings home the harsh reality we all live in, where all of a sudden, everything changes.   Instantly we find ourselves in situations where we are forced to look our existence dead in the eye, to face the inescapable truth of ourselves, and who we are in this life.

Speaking from my own car accident experience, at that moment after a crash, the fear becomes quite intense as it is compounded with uncertainty and imaginations of what could have happened or what could potentially happen as a result of what just transpired.  The fear is so overwhelming we are literally 'scared stiff'.  It is times like that when I realized how alone each of us really is, and how powerless other people are to help us in dire circumstances.  When the body bleeds out the life force within, the true shallowness and shortcomings of our relationships is revealed in full.  No ones opinions matter anymore.  

If we are 'real' with ourselves (meaning we have some compassion for life) when events like this happen, (should we be lucky enough to survive) it can help us to proactively seek a deeper understanding of ourselves, to discover what our purpose in life is, and so what is our responsibility - so that we do not die in the worst possible manner having neglected the truth of ourselves our whole life.

Can you imagine, living your whole life and never realizing the truth of yourself... thus missing the whole point of life entirely!?  That is shockingly stupid and insane... beyond the ability of words to describe.  The Desteni I Process has assisted and supported me to realize myself so that I am able to take responsibility for myself, and prepare myself to become the best person I can possibly be in this life... because I care about our planet and I care about Life.  I want to be part of the solution to Life - as what is Best for All.

 

  

Day 218

I'm sitting here trying to think what to write for my blog today, going over things in my mind, trying to come up with some kind of angle that would assist myself or someone... maybe.  So here it is...

It was a much longer day today than I had anticipated.  Nonetheless, I persevered despite the hard work.  I noticed myself getting tired at a few points, and I did examine the point to realize that it was a point of fear within me, fear of not making enough money in the given time-frame I had created for myself in my mind.  This turned into jealousy of others who did not have to work as hard as I did and who had far more money and free time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making enough money in a specified time-frame in my mind, where I expect myself to get a certain task completed.   I realize that when I see myself not within my budget time-frame that I must stop and breathe to not accept and allow myself to get caught up in the delusion of time-frames where I pressurize and limit myself extensively within the trap of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to frustration at the end of the day where I slammed my truck box closed and slammed the window in an expression of anger rather than stopping myself, breathing and releasing the energetic point of anger into and as the physical so that I may direct myself as the directive principle of myself in each and every moment here.



How ironic is it that, we have come all this way in existence to get to here... only to realize what a messed up state we are all in - and that we can really, actually do very little to correct the situation in our world - ?  It's like a really bad joke, and all of existence is both - in on it, and, stuck in it's own joke!!?  And for those of us who do get it, and realize what has actually happened - we can begin to undo everything we have been doing all this time, so that we may stand Equal to ourselves and our creation.

Who said changing who you are, and who we have been for billions of years, would be easy?.... At least now for myself for the most part - that is sorted and understood.  So here I am, finally understanding how things are really working in my world, ready to change the world - and the irony is - while I am fully capable of doing most jobs/activities in this world, I am still subject to the money system, so I do not have a great deal of choice but to continue doing what I am doing in order to make an income to survive.  

Not to complain of course, just find it interesting is all... It somewhat differs from all the movies I have grown accustomed to in my life....  When you do realize for real, the big inescapable reward is.... A continual re-run of the movie "Nonsense, Consequence, and Ten thousand miles of Denial", Starring - Humanity! -  With it's constant slap in the face of non-stop, regurgitated, idle-chatter of gossiping humans, who are so completely terrified of their own shadow, that they can not stop and consider for a moment,...What is even real in this world!

God forbid they would remotely fathom anything outside the standard 'politically correct' model of their hourly/daily/weekly/yearly routines and traditions of selfishness - all bound and driven by individually varying ideals of love and family as the deeply swathed, programmed mental images designed to keep everyone asleep and enslaved.  They do not believe they are asleep however, and they are always more than delighted to offer up the pretentious, angelic character in a self-righteous claim to their own personal 'goodness',... but of course everyone knows well, and even they know well, that it's all bullshit.

Day 217

Looking at an example of a point I am walking through.  I had struggled for a number of years with this point, not consecutively however.  There were times when I tried to stop the point, and did for a number of weeks only to have it return.  I did not consider the point as a priority point, so I deliberately allowed it as a means of coping with stresses in my life, as well as an emotional outlet rather than dealing with the emotions through breathing, self-forgiveness, and change.

So when recently I decided to make the point a priority, I spoke out loud, specific self-forgiveness statements on all aspects of the point I was able to see within myself.  I did this, despite the many previous failed attempts at stopping this particular point, and within the realization that it will require considerable inner fortitude to push through the resistance to change myself in this particular pattern.  So I decided I would continue with the self-forgiveness no matter what, and did so a number of times.  Seeing that I still was unable to fully push through the point - a consequence soon arose as a nausea within my physical body, which caused me some concern, thus leading to my ultimate and final decision to stop the point altogether.

My physical body had at other times shown me how this point was not supportive for me, yet I did not stop immediately. This time, there is no question, all desires are dismissed immediately because of my level of certainty and confidence within my commitment to myself.... I see no other way out. It is as if after I said the Self Forgiveness out loud, my body heard and understood exactly how to deal with the situation and decided to create a consequence to assist me to stopping myself and seeing what is going on and how. Maybe the point is not related at all to what my body is showing me, I am not fully aware either way, however I do know and realize a great sense of relief now that I have dealt with the point(s) and standing here.

Day 216 - Personality averts Responsibility, not Consequence

As I got out of the car, I had the thought that I would make a joke, and say that my friend should change my tire for me, since I was paying him to drive me around that day.  This manipulative personality construct suddenly manifests as a result of me 'forgetting' to direct myself in each moment.  Not taking my process seriously, but taking it too lightly an so resorting to a personality of the past.  It was not even intentional, just a joke, however my friend began helping me.  So, this point which I should have taken responsibility for myself, was passed off to another, and because I allowed it, there was consequence.

I said to my friend that he should watch the jack to make sure it is straight (as I would do if I were lifting a vehicle).  He suggested that we put a rock in front of the tire, which I never do, as I said the truck is in park anyway, which it was, yet there was some play in the gear.  Then as we lifted the truck, I noticed the jack looked uneven and suddenly I said "watch it" and the truck moved and fell off the jack, breaking the jack.  No one was hurt.  The point here is that because I did not take responsibility in the first place to do the task myself, I casually passed it off onto someone else, a problem occurred as a result of miscommunication/misunderstanding which only added to the problems I already had.

All it took was one moment of me allowing a past manipulation personality to take the place of my self-responsibility, and so go without recognizing it when it did.   I realize the jack breaking was due to the assumptions of myself within thinking that my friend would do things the way I always do them, not realizing that this is not so, and there are physical/mental communication barriers which prevent our understanding of one another.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my existence too lightly, as a personality of the past, based on me trying to escape myself and manipulate others into taking responsibility for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my process lightly without realizing that consequence will in fact manifest as soon as I pass up even the slightest responsibility to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass off my responsibilities to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and/or assume that others do/will do things and see things the way I do and see them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to myself in doing the things which I should do by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through trying to manipulate another into doing something for me which I should have done myself .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to direct myself in each moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect doing self forgiveness as soon as I recognized the point of what had happened.



I commit myself to take responsibility for every thing that comes up within and as my process of taking responsibility for myself.

I commit myself to realize what my responsibilities are and so work towards expanding myself within expanding my responsibilities.



                                 

Day 215 - Catching and Removing the Virus

The only way to extricate the virus/parasite of fear which subverts me, takes away my responsibility, and consumes me, is to stand within and as myself - undivided, constant, self-directed, here in each and every breath.  As long as not all of my breaths are self-directed, I am divided, I am not standing here in every moment as one with all of myself, and the program is still being given permission to run.

A monumental task it would appear, as to do this would mean giving up all that I ever thought I was and believed myself to be.  To abandon that which I have always trusted as my mind, and trust my physical body in each and every moment and situation I am in - This going against all the programming how we have been trained to trust our minds as knowledge and information.  Trained to trust all the judgments of what is right and what is wrong... what is good and what is bad - To the extent that our bodies seem to send us mixed signals because we have allowed the programming to control us for so long.   We don't believe we can change, yet we created it all, and we are allowing it.

The system/program is granted access to Self through permissions, where the program possesses all the attributes of authenticity based on past accepted and allowed protocols.  If the program is questioned, it immediately executes within itself three or more consecutive justification sub-programs so as to affirm itself, and thereby Self recalls/defines/classifies it's unique and specific identity.  These justification sub-programs are the thought-triggers for specific feeling/emotional reactions so that Self can use the liaison of the justification as a point of separation and thus blame.  This, so that Self may feel 'free' to indulge in self-interest, as the pursuit of happiness/bliss program executes within self in the belief that Self is separate.

More energetic-thought-programs are then executed with the sole purpose of producing the chemical reaction in the body which in turn produce the euphoric states such as what is referred to as 'love'.  Self then claims to be in a state of preoccupation, and thus believes Self to be justified through identification/blame and so can avoid taking responsibility for Self as who Self really is.

Self then conforms Self according to the design of the program in a repeating cycle of which Self believes Self to be 'unaware' of any problem, (this is just the way it is...) as the program does not calculate consequence into the equation - because if physical consequence were actually taken into consideration, the program would never be granted permission to execute itself, as consequence is suffering and death.  

Desteni I Process - Free Course

Self Support Tools - Eqafe

Day 214

I had a good day lined up today, but early this morning my body was in discomfort and so requested that I should not leave immediately, so I was a bit late getting to work.  The day started out alright, yet I was anxious about how the job would turn out.  Some trying situations arose, and there was some backchat of frustration - being within the fear of some disaster taking place or me not getting paid for some reason.   I came back to breathing after a few intervals such as this and realized that, although these frustrations seemed impossible to stop, I still had the choice to slow myself and breathe.

To explain the story - A lady wanted a new fence put in because her existing fence was rotten at the bottom and falling over.  This was because it was not installed properly initially.  The wood was still good in most places, but because of the quick and careless job of the installation, it had to be replaced - halving its useful life expectancy.

So I struggled to solve numerous difficulties that arose today, and eventually finished the job, although a few hours later than expected.  I did get paid so my earlier fear unfounded.  By chance I ran into my nephew and sister-in-law who brought me a drink and a sandwich for lunch at the perfect time, as I did not have time to stop for lunch and was low on energy and hungry.

On the way home 20 minutes from my house I got a flat tire.  I did not have a spare on me so I called a couple people but no one was home.  I ended up having to call a tow truck which cost me over half of what I made today.  It has been a rough week.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the mind during work where I allow myself to react in frustration out of fear of not getting paid or not making enough money, or making a mistake that will cost me a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a big deal out of problems that arise before I allow myself to step back and attempt a few solutions to see if perhaps the problem can be solved relatively easily.

I commit myself to focus myself on the point of resolving/working through/walking the solution to problems at work.  Within this I commit myself to challenge myself to slow down and not allow myself to react when I recognize a problem, so that I can move myself within process of myself to clear work points of frustration and the mind having temper tantrums out of fear.

Day 213 - Persistence

I so easily forget my past, the struggles I have been through with myself. Not that that is bad in itself, it is the fact that I do not consider how much I have to push myself to change myself in each moment. I keep trying to escape the negative energy experience and seeking/desiring a positive energy experience of myself. 

I realize, that which I transcend within myself, I do not do for myself only, but for what is best for everyone. If it were not for the realization of Equality as what is best for all, I would have no reason to give up my selfish desires, unless of course I was still fooled by religion or morality. So although it seems like I am doing this process for no reason at times, I realize I am not the only one, and there is a very real reason, and a very real reward for all those who stand in the future. I breathe. I direct myself, free from enslavement to systems. The resonance says it all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am missing something in life when I am pushing resistances and so find myself within a situation where I am seeking to escape the perceived negative energy experience of myself and so desiring some kind of positive energy experience. I realize that there is no point existing in a point of conflict with myself and that being directed and controlled by a positive energy experience of myself creates consequence which I will have to face in the future.

A point which I realized today was, despite the fact that I struggled with certain points within myself for a very long time, eventually with persistence I am able to walk the point within myself and without.

Another point I have to work on with myself is getting the little things done, which there is at times a resistance to doing. When I string together all the little things I will eventually bring myself to becoming consistent and so expanding myself more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect doing the small tasks in that I do not value them equally as the larger tasks, and in so procrastinate and end up in a situation where I have to rush or fall behind schedule because of my lack of self-discipline to get small tasks completed - thus I am not as effective as I could be and thus feel down on myself. 

So I have just recently put together a new re-realization for myself. I notice these little points during my day where I experience an emotional/feeling reaction such as excitement or frustration etc. I have not been dealing with these as effectively as possible, so I have a new plan. The plan is, when I see the emotional/feeling reaction within myself, in the moment to express to myself the feeling or emotion in a way where I can face and direct the point and so stop it within myself. I was also considering channeling the energy into a self-directed physical expression, yet I will work on this more when I am alone as opposed to being at work and breaking out in a song – try not to compromise my job lol – but if that's what needs to be done for me to stop these systems, then so be it.

What I really must do for myself is develop my expression to something I enjoy, to see how I can express myself without any external point of stimulation.      

Day 212 - A Reflection

Looking from the other side...

As it is certain, you are going to die.

So consider for a moment,

You are now dead.



As you look back on your life,

You realize the great shame that you existed as,

The whole world is a shameful place,

So none are exempt



You played your part,

And worst of all,

You denied it all.

You denied yourself Life.



You accepted the system, the program,

You supported it, and encouraged it,

You reveled amidst the Massacre of Life

There's no point denying it now.



You gave up the Greatest Love of All,

Equality as Life,

Afraid of what people would think of you,

If you were Honest with yourself,



You traded Reality for the Illusion,

And refused the Gifts of Self Forgiveness and Change,

While the physical was always right here as You,

In every moment.



"Why did I not See!!!"  You try to scream,

But you have no voice,

You are dead.

You exist now only as a single point of reflection.



You misplaced your Trust,

You accepted the bribe in your secret mind,

You thought no one would Ever find out,

But you Knew



You valued your own Opinions,

What you thought was Right and Good,

Nothing but Lame Excuses and False Justifications...

All worthless now.



You proved that All you Really wanted,

Was Your Dreams, and Your Selfish Desires, for You,

The You who you BeLIEved yourself to be in your Imagination,

You fell for the cheapest lie.



You were too busy to care for real,

Too obsessed with yourself to give a fuck about Life

Now you realize...

It is over.



You had your chance,

To Stand Equal to Life,

But your sudden death was tragic,

And now you have no expression



Ask yourself this...

What would you Give,

Given the chance to go back?

Anything? ...Everything.



That is the Only Gift,

Worthy of Life

Yet when you are dead,

It is too late.