Some writing on a point that came up this morning.
Looking back, I see that I was so embarrassed and ashamed of the fact that I desired to be someone special - as opposed to being in alignment with the real me, as an equal - that when I saw this point play out within myself, I withdrew myself, appalled at myself, and in complete self doubt at the realization that there was only partial self honesty, and partial self trust within myself.
Partial self honesty and trust because I did not understand myself in how I had accepted and allowed such a (foolish and naive) point to play out... so I dealt with it in the only way I felt would keep me from reliving that same horrible point within myself - by punishing myself and taking revenge on myself, in the fear/knowledge that the possibility existed that I could repeat the pattern, and do the same thing over and over again.
I did everything I could to prevent that from happening, as well as indirectly trying to blame and punish others for what had happened within myself... yet the real point was resentment - not wanting to forgive myself - because it felt better to go into that point of revenge on myself, as I was aware there really was no one to blame, and no one I could trust, if I could not trust myself.
I felt like such a complete fool for falling for the lies and misdirection of this world, because I still realized at the same time that I had allowed the deception within myself.
I felt I could not do nothing - yet I had to do something about it because it was eating me inside. The only way I could conceive of to relieve the inner anguish, was to punish myself through thinking thoughts of abdication, and hiding within the point of self suppression, self sabotage, and revenge. Like alcohol, it may help alleviate the symptom for the moment, it does not solve anything at all.
What adds to the problem is that, because it is not fully understood as to what it actually is (false perception of reality), and if there is acute awareness of the fact that there is a massive problem - anger and rage develops, which increases the intensity of the feelings, and hence the desire to self harm and blame others, as no one is 'there' to assist us in getting ourselves out of the cycle.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself with feelings of embarrassment and shame through my false perception of reality, and so within this, rather than see myself as an equal, desire to be someone special that would help make myself feel better about myself, as the point I see that existed within me was that something was wrong with me and my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within the feelings of shame and embarrassment, withdraw myself as the feeling of being appalled at myself took control of my mind which justified me going into feelings and emotions of self judgment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself within the realization that I was only being partially honest with myself and thus only partially trusted myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as foolish and naive to allow such points of misalignment and false perception of reality to play out within myself, and as a result of that then blame myself for having these false perceptions. I realize that the point was not harmful in intent, yet turned into a point of self harm/abuse because I did not correct the point through fully understanding root cause of the point, and from there applying self forgiveness and corrective application to realign myself and my perception of myself and my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only solution to my problem was taking revenge on myself through punishing myself in various different ways, such as thoughts of self harm or harm towards others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, rather than forgive myself and correct myself, take the easiest path within myself as blame and revenge within the belief that others were responsible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself believe that, within the realization that I ultimately am not special in any way, that I must have failed to realize myself, or failed to work hard enough to get myself to a point of self acceptance and fulfillment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe (through emotions) that I am such a complete fool for falling for the lies and misdirection of this world, rather than forgiving myself and taking responsibility to change myself and my perception of reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could do nothing, when self honesty is always a possibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself through abdication, hiding within the point of self suppression, and self sabotage as revenge. I realize that these reactions to the problem were not solutions, but only temporary means of covering the problem up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anger and rage through the long term suppression of the problem, and so compounding the problem and making matters much worse for myself through adding to the already significant consequences I have to face within myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to extensive self harm and blaming others, as within the belief that - no one is 'there' to assist us in getting me out of the cycle - when in fact, I should have addressed the issue directly and expressed in the best way that I could, and within that directed myself within self-honesty in trusting myself to walk out the correction through self forgiveness.
I commit myself to address this pattern when and as I see it manifest within myself.
I commit myself to work through any issues of false perception within myself so that I may align myself with the physical reality as an equal.
I commit myself to stop self judgment and blame within myself through taking responsibility for myself to correct myself.
I commit myself to expose all false perceptions of reality for what they are - deception and abuse of life.