Sunday, 25 December 2016

Day 329

Sun Dec 25

Give what I would like to receive. See what I would like to see myself as from the perspective of others.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of embarrassment because I am aware of exposing my ego (what I have accepted and allowed to create and define myself here based on my past) and how subconscious desires can surface awkwardly and unexpectedly. I realize and trust myself here in applying the process of self forgiveness and correction which is the silver lining of assistance and support for others.

If we consider the body as a sculpture, we have been trained to think of it as the object of ultimate desire, where we form opinions about the shape, size, color, symmetry etc, etc, turning those ideas and judgments into beliefs that certain physical body appearances are more valuable to us for reasons such as strength, agility, height, muscle content, beauty, etc, etc,. All of these traits are founded in self interest for the purpose of survival, power, and/or comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place trust into the strength I have been given within my physical body. I realize that this strength only a limited means of expression that eventually fails as my body deteriorates into dust at the point of death. I commit myself to change myself to rather place my trust in common sense as what is best for all, and in that which honors Life in stopping the abuse of Life in this reality.

Rant

Feeling disconnected, as not having anything to contribute. Falsity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cultivate the tree of knowledge of good and evil within myself through my self created personality mind consciousness system.

I commit myself to only cultivate the tree and fruit of that which honors Life within myself and within others.


Saturday, 24 December 2016

Day 328

Sat Dec 24

Another hindsight observation today of how the oversight on my Toyota problem reflected to me not looking into a situation deeply enough, and thus making the assumption that I knew what the problem was - and that I ASSUMED that it would not be able to be fixed... So in doing that, I lost possession of my vehicle, gave it away for a very low price, went through over a month of problems with trying to get the Honda on the road (which never worked), and had to pay out $2500 to get a new vehicle which I didn't even need in retrospect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by frustration in looking back at how I got myself into a financially terrible and stressful situation because of an oversight and assumption which I made. Within that I realize that I should have considered the problem more thoroughly before making the judgment call and condemning the vehicle as broken and un-fixable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume things are un repairable, or cannot be forgiven and corrected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my anger and resentment to get in the way of critical direct thinking processes where I have allowed emotions such as fear of confrontation, fear of shame, fear of humiliation, fear of expulsion, anger, and resentment take the place of common sense investigation, critique, cross referencing, and self criticism.



Rant

Feeling emotions of aggravation, suppression, frustrated by my own uncertainty and the fact that I have not created the perfect existence for myself, which does not exist, especially the way I would expect it to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my life is messed up beyond repair. I realize that I have time and opportunity to correct myself, to see the silver lining within all the 'bad' things that have happened to me in my life so that I can correct myself and change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not know how to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I change myself, people will balk, gossip, spite, hate, and be jealous of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by what other people think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by speculation of what others think and could potentially do to me if I were to correct and align myself in taking a public stance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear backlash from others as public belittling, smearing, humiliation, snide comments, inconsideration, bullying, jealous reactions, and insinuations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself so harshly that I am unable to correct or move myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what is necessary to be done in this type of situation.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how to correct myself so that I am off the hook with myself and others.


I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize what programs/patterns are running in place of me taking responsibility for myself to correct myself.  

Day 327

Friday Dec 23

Inner Rage - containing reactions - no outlet
Strife
Self Defeat
Undeveloped
Pathetic
Broken
Running in every moment
Aware of my own evasiveness
Revenge
Hiding
Spiteful
Channeled anger
Resentful

The first example I can think of is the episode where I met the girl while at my aunt X's apartment.
I did not want to express myself in front of my brothers and even her. I did not know how to handle myself. I have to consider that I was aware that I am in a system where spite is prevalent and permitted, therefore that awareness likely played into my decision because I could not see an alternative outcome which I could have created for myself. Running was much easier.

There were points in my life where I realized I had failed myself. The most prevalent is my experience with one of my first girlfriends where I made a fool of myself. Upon looking back after the event and seeing how I had participated within it, I felt terribly ashamed of myself, and my illusion of myself came crashing down to a very low perspective of myself. I believe it was from that point that I began to realize my own foolishness, hence I lost confidence in myself, and the belief that I was cool and had potential faded. It was never real confidence, only based on my limited perception of myself. I was never in alignment with self honesty, it was only an illusion.

There were a couple more incidences of recklessness which ultimately lead me down the path of giving up, and running from everything in an effort to avoid creating more shame for myself. In light of those events, I was happier, and it was easier to keep to myself, anything but face the shame.

These points, a car accident, and my early childhood religious indoctrination lead me to reading the bible and having a born again experience. I spent many years as a christian after that, and all seemed well. Little did I know of what I was accepting and allowing within myself during those years.


Now that I have passed those painful milestones in my life, I find myself stuck in the pattern of aversion. There is a subconscious inferiority character playing out as the hero who is trying to prove to everyone that he is a good guy and likable.   

Day 326

Thurs Dec 22

Picked up my new used car today. Happy and it runs well, besides a small noise, but I'm not really worried. Its very comfortable and lots of room for my tools etc. Good on gas, perfect for me.

It will be nice to be mobile again. I should be able to move more effectively, and work on developing myself, and create a plan for myself for the near future. I was thinking of moving out, selling my house and moving to the city. Perhaps that would be better for me as I have no one here to support me when things go bad, like my vehicle failing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose touch with myself in my breathing application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in doubt and uncertainty as who I am and my relevance to existence in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slack off within my process, taking moments too lightly in fleeting feelings of happiness.


I commit myself to push myself to realize all there is here for me to live and change about myself so that I can stand Equal to life without shame

Day 325

Wed Dec 21

Quote

I Forgive Myself
That I haven't allowed myself to see
Just Who I would Be?
Were I to Live Life for Real,
In Self Honesty, as Me.

Who am I then?
And Just What is Self Honesty?

I am Not more than a Tree,
Yet High as the Top of a Mountain,
As Deep as the Roots,
That Reach out unto stream

I am You, and You are Me
I saw it in a Dream




Dream
I was in the attic of an old mansion digging through various things. It was a kind of creepy atmosphere, but well lit and clean. There were 2 young girls with me. We were unpacking boxes and talking about a ghost which was believed to visit the house at times when there came someone to the door. I rushed downstairs to see who it was. When I opened it, I was surprised to see there was a little girl with a large box in her hand who looked exactly like the ghost we had just been talking about.

With a blank stare, she handed me the box and asked me to put it away. She then turned and began walking towards a truck with more boxes. I noticed there was a small patch of white in her blond hair. Suddenly, things began to get strange as an older woman whom I felt I knew and was an owner of the house appeared directly in front of me. She was calm, and there was only darkness where her eyes should have been. This woman's cat appeared out of nowhere and leaped up onto the back of her head in a frenzy. The cat appeared to be very tense and spooked, its ears were flatly pressed all the way back. I slowly looked over the crest of the woman's head at the cat who's eyes were thinly slanted outwards. I then sensed a demonic fear. I intentionally looked directly into the cat's eyes in order to confront the demon, and I saw the eyes change in representation of what it was. These eyes had an eerie gaze but I only saw the fear in the cat, then suddenly they changed to reflect the demon, and appeared as two greenish lightning bolts, and then vanished as I looked directly into them.





Fear of exposing my mistakes

Fear of money system demon

Resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself to how the systems within myself are playing out and preventing me from becoming life as Equal.



There also exists this subconscious fear that I will not measure up if ever I were to make the connection.

So this realization is important to be aware of when times of trial arise within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I do not have a valid, Equal value connection to self as what is here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not measure up if I were to make my connection to self as Life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate the inner anguish rather than expose it for the falsity that it is based upon.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust and doubt myself as who I understand myself to be as Equal to and One with existence.  

Day 324

Tues Dec 20

Bought a car today as X was gracious enough to drive me to the dealership. It has a lot of miles on it, however I feel some relief after all I have been through over the past few weeks. Feeling a little antsy. Wish I had the car today, but I can wait a couple days.

Is there anything constructive I can do with my time? Seems like I am wasting time that could be used doing something helpful or something.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Abandon myself as the physical in favor of mental fantasies, because I created a subconscious fear that Real Life in the physical will not live up to my expectations, and so I justified to myself that to be real will inevitably be 'not worth the effort or risk', or worse, I will be embarrassed/ashamed of myself for trying to accomplish what is generally accepted and believed to be ridiculous and or impossible.


Day 323

Monday Dec 19

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress excessively over money, so much that it consumes my energy and puts me in a constant state of anxiety in my physical body and I lose touch with my physical process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consumed with thoughts as projections of myself in dire circumstances due to lack of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed financial affairs to dictate who I am in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create myself as who I would like to be because of worry and fear over money and debt.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to change myself despite my financial situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others, and thus punish myself over financial standing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and condemn myself over the state of my finances and the financial system as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed money to dictate my state of mind/consciousness.

My directive application to counter this is breath, slow down, make an effort to relax. Do not allow myself to be moved by fears. Address fears in self forgiveness.

Feel a desire for intimacy. Is it a design? Is there any valid feeling/experience which I can experience that will help me feel better - not better than, but something I can work with and trust that will enable me move myself effectively, and perhaps enable me to enjoy and fulfill my life experience... so that I am not getting down on myself.


Sources of Depressed state of mind

fear of embarrassment
fear of nothing valid to contribute
fear of no place as not 'fitting in'
fear of having a lack of confidence
fear of having a lack of self worth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embarrassment, being embarrassed by others, embarrassing myself and being trapped in the state of embarrassment that would ultimately lead to shame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have nothing valid to contribute. I must have something as I am here and able to communicate as part of a whole, one reality.

Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by guilt, in the context of believing I have nothing valid to contribute and thus not participating, and thus going into aversions and distractions which will ultimately lead to problems and more guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I have 'no place' as in not 'fitting in' anywhere or with anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own programming as fear of self-condemnation. I direct myself to understand what it is to live self acceptance within myself and others. I suspect I am not aware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a lack of confidence. I see this point arising from anger and frustration because I have allowed myself to be stuck/stagnant within this point for a long time, as I avoided facing the starting point of this issue within myself.

Lacking Confidence - reasons.

- Blaming others for my problems
- Desiring others to solve my problems for me (despite me actually working very hard to correct myself, my efforts were not as effective as could be, evidently the problem was not solved entirely... not corrected at the root of the issue.)
- Subjected myself to the belief that


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire comfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire comfort as a form of love energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I have desired comfort, and comfort as love energy.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my future out of fears