Monday, 18 March 2019

Day 387 - Ego personality

March 18

Justifications – Fun, party

Hardest Life lesson – Inconsideration

Shot the bow a little.  Went for 2 walks down the flat road, starting to get warm out.  Looking forward to spring and summer.

Overpriced the estimate the other day, perhaps for the better as he wanted a top quality job done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify things that are fun, celebratory, or blissful in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be better than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am anything else other than equal with all things

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become distracted from my goals

Sunday, 17 March 2019

Day 386 - Awesome Archery

Just went for a walk.  Arrived home after an hour for target practice.  First shot bulls eye (3”) @ 40 feet.  Of the first 15 shots, 2 were off target by a roughly a foot, 4 were within 2 inches of the bulls eye, and 9 were bulls eyes!!!  After that I was hitting a bullseye roughly every 3rd shot.  My last round of 3 shots - the first hit the bullseye on the right target, the next 2 hit the bullseye on the left target, so I ended it there. Wow. Awesome.  I really felt like I was in a zone, and I was amazed at the accuracy I was able to achieve with my bow.  Felt really good.

Points to remember when aiming the bow
- keep right elbow raised for trajectory
- use the correct notch point
- triangulate my eye with the arrow tip with the target angle
- steady the tip with breathing/out breath/stop/shoot

Notes from an astrologer
Dropping karmic weight
Don't criticize
Being in the way of our own happiness
Saying the right thing at the right time
Unity in Pisces
Feelings of scarcity, not enough
Aries Strong and colorful
Not a good time to scramble or desperate attempts to start new 'laughable' relationships
This window can imprint for decades
Not looking for karmic lesson
Not afraid of solitude


Life lesson
Seeing the silver lining and turning lemons to lemonade


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become stagnant in ambiguity and uncertainty

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deprive myself of required support

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose sight of the objective

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the importance of keeping and maintaining a strict diet in accordance with what my body needs, as opposed to what my taste desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself in a point where there seems little I can do to correct the situations at large

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my idealism as limiting my ability to think outside the box

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for past foolish behaviors

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drag my feet in moving towards my goals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not re affirm and re align my goals daily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself towards achieving my goals daily

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed regrets to deter me from achieving the best that I can achieve

Saturday, 16 March 2019

Day 385 - Collective

March 16

Walked around town.  Fired my bow a little.  Bought some new undies.  Egg rolls for dinner.  Delicious.  Idea to create concrete sculptures.  Start with little bald figures (pinterest), then move up to a Japanese lantern.  Maybe I could sell something or at least make my garden look cool.  Meta-kaolin, Silica fume, and acrylic bonding agent. 

Feeling of loneliness on Saturdays typically.  Memory of being ignored by my father as a child.  Quite a disconnect, as if I was insufficient, unworthy, nothing to offer.  Seems strange and ironic that now as an adult, I have no one to spend time with.  It seems that without money, your life is nigh worthless.  To be taken with a grain of salt of course, as I have disassociated myself from others and/or not pursued any relationships due to my own inner strife and disdain of the systems , so not to place blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold disdain for the systems and in so doing, deny myself supportive relationships

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through resentment towards others and in so doing limit my growth potential and expansion

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to despise others based on their level of programming within the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not immediately recognizing their programming and changing their behavior for the better

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose patience with others and so mentally play out my anger in order to win the argument in my head so that I can feel better about myself rather than finding a solution that works best for all parties involved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my own expansion out of self interest as distracting myself from what needs to be addressed, researched, understood, planned out and physically accomplished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the feeling of loneliness.  In experiencing this feeling, I recognize the silver lining that our reality is not automatically conducive to understanding each others inner needs, and as such, we must all come to a place where we are proactive in our living experience, so that all is realized for what it really is, and changed so that no false pretense exists, and that all may become part of a collective unity.

Friday, 15 March 2019

Day 384 - Road to Recovery

March 15

Got the bathroom renovation finished today.  Thankfully all went well.  Did a high end estimate which took a couple hours.  On to the drywall stage which should go well.  If so I will be on my way to partial financial recovery. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be over sensitive and so allow myself to suppress myself inhibiting my personal growth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be defensive in my reactions, fearing the worst before anything even happens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that things will not turn out the way I expect them to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in ways which I need to grow and expand myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate myself, and so over work myself to gratify others padding their ego's in false humility, false trust, and blind obligation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place others needs before my own as a means of self sacrifice while in a world based in self interest

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live my life in an unrealized zombie-like autopilot state of mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trivialize my life experience without considering consequences of my actions, nor the consequences of inaction – being what I neglected to transcend to stand for life as the gift that has been given me

Thursday, 14 March 2019

Day 383 - Loons on the Lake

Was feeling down this morning. Got through the day with a little progress.  Took an edible after work.  Shot my new bow a few times.  Took a nice walk up the paved road near where I live, and then chatted with the neighbor on my way back.  Played a game of Dota 2.


Listening to loons on the lake video on youtube.  The sounds they make are so haunting to me, listening breaks down my sense of self and brings up emotion as I reflect how well they are able to express something so awesome, which I am unable to match.  They create such a rich ambiance despite being in what can appear to be an empty place (the wilderness).  They are something I did not expect to encounter in this life, and I am grateful for their sounds, and all animals along with them.

I considered the potential to change emotions last night, as a form of transmutation

Sadness to indignation
Indignation to anger
Anger to determination
Determination to resolution

Perhaps this is something that can help me in difficult emotional situations. Learning how to direct this fleshy vehicle is more of a task than I had imagined.  Goal setting has been particularly difficult, as I find points of doubt and distrust and uncertainty within myself. Worry to is prevalent, yet still I sometimes look at people grateful that I don't have the problems that they have. 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself in my ability to create practical goals for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself in my ability to create and achieve practical goals for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about creating/not creating, achieving/not achieving practical goals for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to -out of fear of being seen as bad, childish, or undeveloped - refrain from using the energy I have been given to do something that would be of some benefit, or at least some artistic expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect creating for myself support that would assist me to living my best life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get so caught up in my mental fantasies that I did not consider what is my responsibility to create something to give back to life what has been given to me.


Wednesday, 13 March 2019

Day 382 - Talents and Abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be and do everything without getting support where needed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be more than who I am and so spread myself too thin

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in comparisons of myself to others and so be distracted by trying to imitate works and expressions of others so that I can solve my lack of self worth through doing what they did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I have any natural talent or ability

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that I can achieve anything through utilizing my own talents and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand my own talents and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my own talents and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be grateful for my talents and abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my own weaknesses

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to my weaknesses without perfecting my strengths

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect getting support to realize what my strengths and weaknesses are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am obligated to do what others are doing so that I can become like them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distrust myself and others and so give up on myself through lack of goals and focus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand what goals are achievable for me in this life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt what I can and cannot do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to underestimate my own abilities

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can do way more than what I am capable of doing, and so pushing my physical too hard in order to try to validate myself and appear to be good or hard working to others

Tuesday, 12 March 2019

Day 381 - Gifts and Abilities

March 12

List
Good and Bad effects of Marijuanna
Marijuanna can be a limitation
Side effects


Living Words
Slow
Temperance
Guilt: Co-created self
Lesson (lessen)
Student – Stu-dent, stud-ent

Quote
Cpt. obvious: Unpreparedness is a facilitator of shame


Constructs
Not realizing how self works through physical energy
Not recognizing my weaknesses – distraction, reactions, fixation, dependencies (lack of), inconsistency, unpreparedness, irresolute, 



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be idealistic in my thinking patterns and so allowing idealism to play out in my life
with inconsideration of others or what is best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be reckless in my approach to life and how best to change and correct myself in my process

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize what gifts are available to me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to consider or realize what is the best use of the gifts and abilities I have

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to squander my gifts and abilities through inconsideration and reckless behavior

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate gifts and abilities through misunderstanding how they can best be used

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get caught up in self interest and regret and so allow gifts and abilities to diminish

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect gifts and abilities out of anger and resentment and other reactions that do not serve
the principle of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and understand myself and my abilities solely through knowledge and information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to directed and controlled by reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail to recognize my weakness as being distracted and fixated