Saturday, 29 June 2013

Day 237


A few weeks ago I had a mild cold, which only held me back for a day or two from work.  Shortly after that I began noticing my existing symptoms of nausea (which I had been experiencing for a number of weeks already) and they seemed to be residing within my chest area.  I was uncertain as to the cause/source of this, and strangely it would be most prevalent in the morning and taper off in the afternoon.  As the symptoms became worse, I found I could no longer work.  This threw a wrench into all the plans and scheduling I had made in the weeks prior to this and so not only was I off work for a couple of weeks, I was out all the plans I had made and also behind in setting up new appointments for the weeks following.  

With this odd sickness and my uncertainty as to the cause and severity, I anticipated the worst case scenario as the symptoms somewhat resembled an episode of a sickness I had acquired just over a year ago - carbon monoxide poisoning.  The carbon monoxide poisoning caused all kinds of terrible symptoms and a month of living hell for which I am lucky to be alive, as many people die from this every year all over the world.

So in this time of reflection I have taken note of a number of points within myself which must be addressed.

1.  I have expectations as to how I believe my process will go, and then when things do not go according to how I expected them to go and go ill - such as the case of my nausea - I have a tendency to give up.  This giving up is within the belief that the current circumstance is the result of my past - and in so I judge myself as having failed myself.  Within that I lose all motivation and no longer have any desire to push resistances, preferring to accept my fate as it is.

2.  In this giving up, points of frustration arise from various thoughts, reflections and self-judgments - what        should I have done - what I should have accomplished - why did I not do things differently etc.  This brings into view the 'not so pretty' picture of who I have allowed myself to become and the fear of being stuck in this state of self-dishonesty.

I notice that when things are going well - money, health, direction etc - that I am over-confident.  Conversely when things are not going well, that I have tended to lose all confidence, preferring to sabotage myself in a form of self-punishment.  This punishment is the pattern that has played out throughout my life, where it has stood in place of finding the solution for myself - because I never conceived that a solution was possible - I always just accepted the fact that if I fail at something or fear to do something, I must punish myself in reflecting to others my frustration and anger so that they will feel sorry for me and change how they are living.   So there is blame within this, and me trying to punish others through punishing myself.  

Why does self-honesty seem superficial?  It seems strange to stand Equal because I fear the judgments of others - fear of being labelled as egotistical, fear of being inconsiderate, fear of revealing myself as who I am, as it is somewhat shameful.  Perhaps I fear losing my personality, perhaps I have not developed enough trust in myself yet to realize when/how to apply and express myself and when/how I am suppressing myself.

This whole point of me wanting to change others is out of line because my priority must first be changing myself.

I realize I have not changed my physical to stand in complete self-honesty yet.  I do desire to stand Equal to myself and my words yet it appears that I am still allowing myself to be controlled by the whims of others - fearing the reactions and judgments of others - as well as fearing taking responsibility and forcing myself to move and change myself - self-discipline.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expectations as to how my process would go, and within realization that it is not going 'that way', I participated in the pattern of giving up.  I realize this pattern is a cover for self-sabotage and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have failed myself in self-judgement.  I realize that this idea of failure is the pre-programmed design in which we train ourselves to suppress ourselves in the acceptance of a competitive based system rather than living and applying the principle of sharing and self-forgiveness - this idea of failure is therefore unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being stuck in self-dishonesty and so continuing to go in circles in my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I am compromising and sabotaging myself through self-punishment which I have learned through society and my upbringing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expanding myself and learning to trust myself  in stopping myself from being controlled by fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get discouraged with myself to the extent that I believe I must punish and sabotage myself in getting revenge against myself as a proxy to getting revenge on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that by sabotaging and punishing myself that I am able to escape consequence and my responsibility to stand within the group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself through fearing my situation, fearing death and diminishment.  I realize that giving up is futile and not a valid option as it is only a game I play in which I believe that I can try to escape myself momentarily, and so use that time as a justification to go into feelings of regret, blame and self-pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor myself through self-punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to

I commit myself to push through the desire to give up within the realization that giving up is futile and only self-harming, and therefore of no benefit to anyone including myself. 

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Day 236



So it would appear that I have a slight motivational problem yet I am unsure of the source, so more investigative writing going back into the point and how it started.  So I was feeling upset with things in my life, as the realization is here every day of the problems which seem to be only getting worse.  So the point came up that I am not motivated because I am 'stuck' in a number of problem to which I do not readily have the answer, and to which I am uncertain of the outcome or how I should go about it.  It's quite foolish that I get stuck in these things, and so want to do other things in avoiding the problem (hoping it will solve itself in time) when if I just brainstorm a bit to find a solution, then perhaps I can resolve it on my own.  I think the problem comes from learned behavior of my childhood.  I can recall not wanting to do homework and schoolwork, as I did not care about getting good grades.  So within the education system, I trained myself to deny my responsibilities in a way because I was able to get away with it without seeing any significant consequence.   I  trained myself to procrastinate, and trained myself to be rebellious to the system, contriving ways that I could 'just get by', as I really was not interested in schoolwork whatsoever.

So coming back to the problem of no motivation, as me just wanting to do everything in the last minute I realize that it really causes problems for me and compounds issues that really should not be that big of a deal.  I have to find ways to motivate and discipline myself, which seems very difficult at the moment – a big change.   I have to realize that if I do not find a way to motivate myself, the situations get worse and problems create frustration and anger and all kinds of more problems.  I have created a situation where because I did not take responsibility in the past to create for myself something rewarding that is stable and that I would really enjoy, now I have the consequence to deal with for that, which is really not cool.  This on top of this constant vendetta my mind has on me where I have to constantly seek revenge on myself for what I allowed in my past.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate the system

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I hate working

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear spending money to advertise

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing money

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing resistances

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate and spite myself through neglect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through neglect

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through procrastination

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to search for a solution to my problem, but prefer to allow them to accumulate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear wasting too much money on gas.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear overcharging people for estimates

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will make the wrong decision

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going broke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my house and my vehicle

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that gas prices will become too expensive for me to work and do business.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at the world and so want to take that out on myself through denying myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to take out a vendetta against myself because of what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself in the past.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to foresee a goal and a plan that would be effective in allowing myself to be productive.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn how to discipline myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself for my past.

Sunday, 2 June 2013

Day 235 - Complaining Character





Looking at this character of myself who complains.  The type of complaining that is not assisting or supporting, but making excuses for myself and pitying myself as if to desire that 'such and such an event' did not happen.  I have experienced this at times when speaking with others regarding how things are going with work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the complaining character in my mind where I wish things did/did not happen rather than take responsibility for what has happened in the past and realize the consequence was created through me allowing fear to direct and control me and thus me not taking responsibility to stand Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on the future in expecting things to turn out in a certain way based on my internal judgement of how I perceive things should turn out.  I realize that I must embrace all of myself as what is here as me and in that, accept the physical consequences that manifest and work with them to create a solution and prevent further ill consequence from being created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a diversion - which supports my secret world of self-interest, rather than facing the actual points within myself as to why certain consequences are happening in my life, which if I were to face these points, it would assist me to develop self-discipline within myself so that I could (to the extent I am able) avert much negative consequences in my life, and thus the lives of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use complaining as a form of blaming situations, people, or organizations rather than taking responsibility within the realization that I am responsible to change myself and stop blaming within myself.

I commit myself to change myself within speaking to others to become Aware of when I am in 'complaining character' and so direct myself to look at the point in self-honesty to see where I am not taking responsibility within myself to direct myself and discipline myself.

I commit myself to stop all complaining, unless I am specifically directing a point of complaint in a way that is constructive in supporting realization in myself and others as to living solutions as what is Best for All.

I commit myself to address any points of internal conversations in my mind where I sense myself complaining to myself - so that I can direct those thoughts to see what complaining is hiding within myself and what points I am not facing within myself.



Friday, 31 May 2013

Day 234 - Investigative Writing



This blog may seem a bit jumbled, as I was doing investigative style writing in order to get to the issue which I have been experiencing and dealing with over the past little while.

So considering this morning, how I experience the point within myself of frustration/resentment towards myself, where I appear to want to get revenge on myself, and through this I do not want to assist and support myself, but prefer to suppress myself in denial, as if to desire to get back at myself for all the injustice I have suffered.  So the point must be blame – blame of myself and others on a deeper level?  Do I blame so much that I cannot get past the point?  Is it covering up fear?  Fear of what?  Why must I get revenge on myself all the time as if my personality must equalize the score – to prove to myself that I suffered and to make sure that that other aspect of my bi-polar personality clearly understands that I suffered so it gets the message not to do it again – but the mind doesn't stop, it compounds until I can find my true expression of myself in self-honesty.  

So there are times when I feel as though I am 'winning the race', and everything is going great, and I am exuberant and feel that nothing can stop me or get in my way.  Then there at times I feel like I am desperately losing the race, and that I am so far behind there is no point even trying.  It is at these low points that I want to deny everything and just hide from myself, as if wanting to just give up, all hope seems lost.  At these low points, self-honesty seems like the system, where I would have to apply self-discipline – yet disciplining oneself when one feels 'down' only seems like further punishment.  

The point is why does it take me so long to pull out of negatively charged experiences?  Why do I fear/resist being diligent?  Why do I resist changing myself as an expression? Why do I resist self-honesty?  Why do I not trust self-honesty?  Do I feel it is because it is a borrowed idea of myself – yes.  I see so much superficiality around me, self-honesty seems extremely superficial to me, as I see many people claim to be honest, yet they are motivated by fear and/or comfort, which is very transparent.

So my point of self-denial comes from within my mind, where I am in judgment of others because I have seen within them their starting point of fear being expressed as 'a form of self-honesty', yet it is dishonesty – so I have taken the polarity of that expression where I am trying to get revenge on others whom I have judged in my mind as 'dishonest' (whether it be true or not is irrelevant).  So to re-iterate, I desire to punish myself for what I see in others through taking on a personality, and this prevents me from seeing/realizing and understanding my actual expression of myself – because I feel so upset that so many people seem to be getting away with the equivalent of murder, and because I see it, I have to be responsible in my mind to judge it and condemn it, which ultimately leads to self-sabotage.  Self sabotage seems to be related to how much I am aware of my own self-suppression and denial.

Similar to the point is self-righteousness, which from the perspective of Equality is quite perverse and detestable.  I understand that whenever I am not pushing my resistance I am giving in to this system of self-righteousness, where I take the liberty to decide that I would rather not push my resistance at the moment because it seems like work - as the negatively charged energetic experience of myself.

There is no real backchat, as it is an assumption I have lived all my life as, if there is no-one here, I can do whatever I want, where I have created a situation for myself where my responsibilities are very limited - thus excuse not to move myself.

The backchat is that I am not happy with myself, where I am in my situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the backchat that "I am not happy with myself right now" as a means of self-manipulation where I can go into self-pity and emotional feelings of positive/negative energetic experiences of myself as a false reward system I have created for myself .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself and get frustrated with myself and my situation, and in so desire to seek revenge on myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to get into this situation in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in denial of myself because I sense the resistance as I do not wish to push the resistance because I define it as a 'negative energy' experience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and myself for the mind created 'injustice' I have apparently suffered.  I realize that this is a self-centered belief that does not help me or support me in any way but only leads to thoughts of comparison and frustration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get revenge on myself from the thought that I have suffered because of the greed of others in this world - yet I was actually the one that allowed greed to exist and evolve over time to the extent which it exists today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a personality of who I would like to experience myself as rather than standing as myself as the physical in applying myself with consistency, integrity and disciplining myself in awareness of how the mind sabotages my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the motivation that I feel that I am winning, and so feed off that energy in order to further motivate myself in getting things done.  I move myself as self movement which requires no motivation to direct myself as Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get upset and down on myself when things do not appear to be working the way I expected them to, or unexpected things come up - which they ALWAYS do.   I realize that at these low points I must investigate myself and what triggers am I allowing within myself that cause such self-destructive patters within myself... this so that I can prepare myself  to focus myself so that I may face myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the realization that I must discipline myself as the mind or it will take me where it wants to go as riding the magic carpet of the mind into delusion and self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my judgment of others as being honest or dishonest and so create a reflective personality within myself where I desire to punish myself in an effort to appear to my mind that I am doing something to make myself 'feel better than' person x whom I have judged as dishonest.  Interesting how the mind wants to use judgment as a form of condemnation, and this when I am not even being fully honest with myself in all ways and in every breath.   I realize that I must be clear on this point within myself so that I do not sabotage myself further... As feeling good about myself tends to put me in a state of ease and specialness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe/desire that other people should punish themselves because of their own dishonesty.  I realize that each person must realize for themselves on their own time, as that is just how self-honesty works, no one is able to do it for someone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my actual expression of myself because I desire to get revenge through a belief/judgment in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the liberty to allow the mind to dictate what I should do and when, and in so I am allowing myself to create myself as self-centered and self-righteous.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in stopping these patterns of denial within myself.

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in stopping the patterns of manipulation within myself

I commit myself to take responsibility for myself in stopping the patterns of judgment within myself, and so learn to discipline myself in learning to trust myself here as breath without the need/desire of positive/negative energetic experiences which only serve to fuel my ego personality, which is not real.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Day 233



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get discouraged with myself in process due to an illness, and so within that allow myself to blame myself and get frustrated with myself for getting sick and not understanding the reason/diagnosis of why I got sick.  I realize that blame and frustration are not acceptable because they only further support the mind in suppression of myself and charging the mind with energy in polarity and so propagating more and more delusions within myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and avoid my responsibility to myself through deciding to do the easiest thing to do in the moment.  This because I decide to believe that I have a choice to do 'what I want to do', and neglect what is necessary to be done.  I realize I do this because I fear the possibility of failure and/or facing negative consequence - so I allow my mind to direct and control me because there is the justification that if I just put things off long enough, the problem will go away on its own, and I will not  have to deal with the possibility that I did not do a good enough job, or that someone will say that I did not work hard enough, or that I am somehow not skilled enough.

I realize this fear of failure/fear of consequence comes from how the conscious mind was programmed as my personality as - GIVING UP with the excuse and justification that I don't have to do it if I don't want - because I am free to be SPITEFUL because I can, and everyone else is spiteful of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe compliance with Equality as living what is best for all is ass kissing, being a suck, and being a 'goodie-two-shoes'.  I realize that these definitions I have created in my mind are based on the past within the system as judgments of others so that I could feel better about myself and not have to take responsibility to do and be the best that I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I would be were I to take responsibility for myself in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning and dread having to push resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that pushing resistances is actually the only way that I will feel best about myself as doing what is best for everyone.  Everything else will lead to misery for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the negative energy I experience within myself when working will go on seemingly forever and there will be no break from the negative energy I experience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would give up should anything happen to my physical body that would prevent me from functioning in a reasonable manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get revenge on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the positive energy experience of avoiding responsibility through going on auto pilot and doing nothing productive.


I commit myself to direct myself to push my resistances first thing in the morning and throughout the day - this in spite of how I feel.  I realize that emotions will come up, so I must write them out to expose them right away so that I can stop the source of the problem.

I commit myself to walk this process as breath in moving myself and shaking myself out of the mind possession so that I can contribute and create myself as what is best for all in all ways and at all times.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Day 232



When did I learn to dislike myself?  Just asking myself this question now.  Besides that, where and when did I learn to judge myself, and judge myself so harshly?  Where did I copy this attitude that I must punish myself because apparently I am not 'good enough'?  Clearly the most influential people in my life when I was young were my parents, yet they are not altogether to blame, because they merely reflect the entire system as trying to attain and comply with "what is normal, morally right behavior".

What is generally accepted as 'normal' is what has been dictated and passed down through the generations - by systems of beliefs based in fear/paranoia.  Now to consider the extent to which I accepted and allowed myself to be coerced, manipulated, betrayed, and poisoned by these same beliefs and fears that were passed down again and again, is a harsh realization.  I gave in to fear at a very early age, and from then developed the pattern of constantly giving-in, over and over and over again, until I perfected it for myself, and trapped myself in a never ending cycle of giving-in, to fear.

Many fears I have overcome in my life, yet the programming has so deeply ingrained and imprinted itself into my being that stopping it all and changing myself becomes quite the task, as it all has to be removed layer by layer, like a reptile shedding its skin.

It's a fear in itself to think of who I would be without fear.  Just considering it right now, if I actually had no fear how much I would change would be radical, as much of my life revolves around fear.

*pause for a moment of reflection*

The point I have to consider actually is that because many of my decisions in the past were not really common sense, rather just what I 'thought' made sense at the time in my own self-interest.  Therefore it is necessary for me, rather than do whatever I feel like in the moment, but to consider the implications and consequences for everyone, all life.


I learned all this self-judgment from one premise, that being the belief that I was less than others - not realizing or understanding my real value as an Equal, I was constantly faced with a barrage of instructions on how to be, how to appear, how to follow orders, and how to be a 'good' person.   I never developed self trust because I was so busy judging myself.  I realize that I cannot continue in these destructive patterns of self-judgement.  It has to stop, the mind has to stop and I must stand as Equal to the physical.

Monday, 27 May 2013

Day 231



My process lately is focusing on focusing myself to be more effective, efficient, and disciplined with myself.  I naively underestimated many things in my life - to the extent that I created a series of patterns for which I even went so far as to underestimate the consequences of underestimation, for which payment is continual and indefinite as long as the source problem is not resolved.  A number of factors have played into this, some assumptions, some fears, some neglect out of desire to escape consequence, some irresponsibility, some oversights, some lack of support, some misdirection, some desperation, and of course some foolishness.  I have struggled to extinguish all of these systems within myself, and in so to make my work credible and worthy enough so as to negate all of the misaligned shortcomings of my past acceptances and allowances.

I would be extremely delighted and relieved to wake up to an Equal Money System tomorrow.  Where each and every one of us shared responsibility, but that will take some time.  Till then, we all pay.  Even the top Elite are aware they are living a lie, and deep down it feels like shit - because when you are not real with yourself, nothing else is real either.  Just a faker in a fake world... no Life.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume things about Life and so follow assumptions through my desire for personal experience in self-interest, this without having the full understanding of how things actually work in this reality and why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing Equal to others in this world in the money system and exchange of money, where I have tried to play the false humility character as the hero in my mind who is saving the world through sidestepping the existing system out of a mind constructed imaginary heroic character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself and desire to escape consequence, when I realize that consequence cannot be avoided or escaped, and that I must face my consequence eventually as it is inevitable as me facing my own creation - sadly that of dishonesty with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irresponsible with myself in that I did not take full responsibility to investigate my reality to find out what is actually going on and how I can best support myself and others through supporting the only solution to this world as living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have oversights within my participation in this reality where I did not consider all dimensions of the problems we all face as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others as 'lack of support' when the physical reality is right here for me to see in every breath and every conversation/transaction that takes place, dishonesty is prevalent and self is always aware.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within desperation in fear of myself and others... the fear that others will judge me and/or condemn me thus cause me to diminish and lose the image I have in my head of myself - as that which I believe makes people like me, thus giving me security and comfort

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in foolishness towards myself and my reality, taking existence for granted when I did not really understand it for myself within self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in a position where my only option is to continue to pay interest on the debt I have because I accepted the corruption of fear and self-manipulation and self-interest as a mode of life, when this InEquality is unimaginably horrific for many people in this world, as well as many who have gone before us.