Day 428 - Reading it Wrong

 Thursday September 17, 2020

Dream

I was walking around in a downtown section of what felt like my city of Ottawa.  It was nighttime and there were various people walking around.  There was a single story white brick building and I was walking around it looking for an entrance.  I was looking for a place to stay for the night and while this building did not have any signs describing itself as a hotel, I had a feeling that I had been there before so I was intent on getting inside to at least ask someone.  I did find the door, and when I got in there was an older gentleman that greeted me.  I just had to pose for a picture to get access to a room for the night.  Once my picture was taken, I was led down a hallway and greeted by a tall blond woman.  She then led me further into the building where I received a towel and some supplies for the night.  It looked like an office building on the inside which had cubicles walls halfway to the ceiling.  She showed me to a very small cubicle which there was a sink on one side and a red headed girl sitting in a chair on the other.  The blond lady was showing me the sink and strangely mentioned to me to not touch her leg for more than 3 seconds.  My guess was that she had that happen to her recently and felt uncomfortable about it.  The blond lady left and I turned to the smiling red haired girl.  In a force of habit I greeted her with an awkwardly gentle fist bump.  I realized I vaguely knew her from somewhere as she mentioned she was just finishing up some work and would be leaving shortly thereafter.   

Haven't had so much excitement around pickleball lately, the game is still enjoyable, however I guess I have learned about as much as I can from it.   I see it as necessary exercise for the body, and a point of interacting with the community here.  I suspect I am not challenging myself or others as much as I could be, just going along with the flow and not taking initiative to expand self awareness.  

Reading it wrong

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in my expectations of how others will judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown in how I will react if others judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the unknown aspects of myself and in that suppress myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate through the hidden fear of the unknown, not realizing that the fear of the unknown is actually a major key to self realization and self expansion beyond the mundane systematic programming.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to read it wrong in projecting judgments in how I think others are judging me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my reactions are coming from past experiences of being punished and told that I am a 'bad person' for not realizing and understanding myself.