Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Transmutation of Self as Life

I asked myself a question when I was quite young. What do you want to do in life? The answer was 'help people'. Im sure many others had this same desire.

As I grew, I began to notice how superficial and wrong the world was. It was asif everyone was cheating somehow, although I could not place it exactly, I knew the price would someday have to be paid, but no-one seemed to care, or take notice.

I was separated from my mother at an early age, and my father really didnt give ashit. My sadness was supressed. I was sent to church in my youth, and indoctrinated with religion. It seemed to be the only answer to all the problems in the world - the fact that there was a better place than this gave me something to hope for. And of course there was the fear of hell.

I longed for real love, which when looking back now would be better describedas unconditional expression. I cared deeply for my friends, especially during my teens, and I remember feeling strangely jealous of everyone. Asif I wanted to be with everyone.Except the fakers and the adults of course, who to me were all hateful, inconsiderate, superficial snobs who made you feel guilty for just being alive!

I could sense the innocence of youthfulness and friendships slipping away to be forgotten, and I felt sad about that.

I began to see how everything revolved around 'how much money you have, that somehow made a person more important. I hated being around rich people, and I loved being around poor least we could share and talk as equals. I refused to be rich in this life, all rich people were phonies. I loved real people, hated phonies.

Later on, I began to experience deep anger, guilt, regret and sorrow. Many times I contemplated suicide. I truly hated this world and everyone in it.

So, I took upon myself to understand what was required of me. What was the answer to allthis terrible suffering. I read the bible and it reflected the guilt, shame and disgustI had for myself. The only solution then was to 'give up myself' to god. ObviouslyI had completely fucked everything up. It seemed the only solution, with my reasoning being, that if everyone followed god, everything would become right. So I became a christian.

Years passed, I began to push the boundaries, question god and my beliefs to a point where I gained some insight. But it was not until I found the desteni videoson youtube that I could put all the pieces together into a big picture... a picturewhere every piece fit. There was great relief, among other emotional reactions, butI knew I finally had an answer... a real reason for all the suffering in the world.

The information was quite deep and profound. There were times where I had to make assumptions to 'make it fit' my understanding, but as I traced back my assumptions,I proved them to be correct within myself. This process proved helpful in transcending my ego and beliefs.

Self-forgiveness being unconditional and the key to unlocking the universe, come I didnt see that before!! Self-honesty without gods direction, that waspossible? wow... awesome. I could direct myself, god, outside of me was just a belief... so I took great pleasure in 'booting' him at the earliest possible convenience. (Haaaallelujah!). No one was going to hell? Well, I honestly still wanted a few people to go, but then I realized they were fooled just as I had been, so I guess that was acceptable with me (XD). Who could not be forgiven? And what was so bad that could not be forgiven? After all, forgiveness is unconditional, and thus only limited to belief, which is not real.

I had so completely supressed myself for so long, it was a profound relief to say the least. My mind produced so many questions, and it helped to get answers, but I soon realized that it was my responsibility to work - diligently - at getting them.

Then the responsibility of applying myself diligently in order to releasepoints of dishonesty I had accepted in myself. In the past 2 years I have progressed significantly in my process, and see many tangible results and changesin the way I direct myself. Though I still have work to do, systems to be removed.

One point I never comprehended in christianity was pre-destination. Finally, I havethe answer (Haaaallelujah!). We have allowed ourselves to be programmed - hence pre-destination, we program our future by our thoughts of the past. We exist as systems, and have separated ourselves from what is real by creating beliefs and opinions of the mind. Sacrificed the real for the unreal.

Life is unconditional expression as one and equal. We must support life, or life willnot support us. Responsibility to self as life. There is nothing more rewarding than freeing yourself, done by self-honesty, self-awareness, self-forgiveness and common sense.All must and will face self. In helping myself, I am helping others.

Life is standing up.
I take responsibility.
I stand as life.
Equal and one