Wednesday, 15 June 2016
Went to China with a tour group, half women, half men. Paired up with girl 'X' (which I had dated about 20 yrs ago in 'real' life... also whom I was rather attracted to)
So we went to a hotel with the group, and then just the two of us went down to the lobby and we had to pay for things like food etc. X pulled out a credit card she had found (or stolen?) and handed it to the lady behind the desk. The lady asked that I sign it, which I did, first printing my name, then I was asked to sign my name again, and I did so in writing, over top of my original printed signature. The bill was quite high, around $30,000, and the lady accepted it as payment, and so needless to say we were quite happy about that, a bit giddy even.
We left the hotel and began walking around downtown in a very large metropolis. We came to a very open part of the landscape away from the city, where there was a large body of water (a lake), and we could see the vast cityscape on the other side of it. As we walked beside a building, it was quite windy and a large wave formed in front of us, which incidentally, the crest of the wave had hexagonal formed caps (system/matrix??). I saw the power of the wave increasing, so I grew a little concerned, and as it came toward us, we dodged it by walking closer to a low building, only allowing the wave to touch our feet.
As we continued to walk along, I still had this feeling of fear of getting caught or arrested by the credit card scam we had pulled. The sun was shining, and we were talking back and forth rather excitedly... and then, as she looked at me, it occurred to me... this is how a relationship forms! I suspected however, that she was not aware of this fact. We continued to walk, and came to another small building which was some kind of artistic theater. It was here that I began planning on making a move to kiss this girl, as the desire grew within me. The dream ended here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subconsciously controlled by guilt as being controlled by money, represented by the credit card fraud.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in fear of myself, as the water, fearing the water/wave would overtake me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my emotions to well up within me to the point where they would threaten to overtake me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the method of how a relationship forms.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in regret for not choosing that particular relationship path in life. I realize that either path can teach the same life lessons, only in a slightly different manner.