Tuesday, 28 May 2013
When did I learn to dislike myself? Just asking myself this question now. Besides that, where and when did I learn to judge myself, and judge myself so harshly? Where did I copy this attitude that I must punish myself because apparently I am not 'good enough'? Clearly the most influential people in my life when I was young were my parents, yet they are not altogether to blame, because they merely reflect the entire system as trying to attain and comply with "what is normal, morally right behavior".
What is generally accepted as 'normal' is what has been dictated and passed down through the generations - by systems of beliefs based in fear/paranoia. Now to consider the extent to which I accepted and allowed myself to be coerced, manipulated, betrayed, and poisoned by these same beliefs and fears that were passed down again and again, is a harsh realization. I gave in to fear at a very early age, and from then developed the pattern of constantly giving-in, over and over and over again, until I perfected it for myself, and trapped myself in a never ending cycle of giving-in, to fear.
Many fears I have overcome in my life, yet the programming has so deeply ingrained and imprinted itself into my being that stopping it all and changing myself becomes quite the task, as it all has to be removed layer by layer, like a reptile shedding its skin.
It's a fear in itself to think of who I would be without fear. Just considering it right now, if I actually had no fear how much I would change would be radical, as much of my life revolves around fear.
*pause for a moment of reflection*
The point I have to consider actually is that because many of my decisions in the past were not really common sense, rather just what I 'thought' made sense at the time in my own self-interest. Therefore it is necessary for me, rather than do whatever I feel like in the moment, but to consider the implications and consequences for everyone, all life.
I learned all this self-judgment from one premise, that being the belief that I was less than others - not realizing or understanding my real value as an Equal, I was constantly faced with a barrage of instructions on how to be, how to appear, how to follow orders, and how to be a 'good' person. I never developed self trust because I was so busy judging myself. I realize that I cannot continue in these destructive patterns of self-judgement. It has to stop, the mind has to stop and I must stand as Equal to the physical.