Friday, 24 May 2013

Day 228

So I have been sick again over the past few days... not sure what this one is/was but just started to feel better today.  Anyway, I allowed myself to get discouraged with myself as I had planned on working to get business rolling, yet it did not turn out as expected.  I assumed the worst of the situation, and so in a way I 'gave up' and made things a bit worse on myself.  I am still clinging to a personality when things like this happen.  It's like I let go of all caring and no longer care for anything, even myself because there appears to be nothing I can do to resolve the situation.  The mind always seeks to avoid facing consequence.

So this anger I have towards myself when an unexpected consequence arrives is due to me still desiring my own way in my mind, despite what is here in the physical.  This is the point of letting go of the mind/ego desire for control of the physical reality.  What I must do is embrace the consequence, here being my sickness, and use the time to slow myself down.  Perhaps my physical body needed a break, perhaps I was pushing myself too hard.  Perhaps I was making too many assumptions and had projected and imposed imaginary expectations.  Obviously there is the point of fear of survival playing out here, where I desire to make money to survive, which becomes a problem if I allow that fear to such an extent that it controls who I am and creates discouragement, anger, and sabotage within me.

I tried to investigate the point a couple times, but I was not able to fully see the starting point, and there seemed to be more than one cause.   This is typically when I neglect or 'tune out' as being angry and in conflict with myself as I can't see even why the whole scenario is taking place... as my mind does not want to.  I expect that if I do fully investigate the point I will uncover some point where I am at fault for doing something wrong, and so in fear of going into self-judgement causing more discouragement, I prefer to just ignore the point until my anger subsides enough that I can figure out what happened.                              

So a problem which develops from this is that I do not push the resistance to look at the point, and so this anger gets bottled up inside me because the point is not dealt with, so consequently I am in a point of suppression and denial and a resonant inner anger, which is not cool at all.  This is how I have dealt with many problems throughout my life, burying things within myself... so stopping this behavior pattern will take some effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume the worst in a situation, and so go into a point of giving up on myself.  I realize that giving up is an acceptance and allowance of further suppression and so actually supporting the problem and making it worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place expectations on the physical reality in a desire to control the physical reality rather than work with what is here.  I realize that I am relieved to not have to be in control of everything, so I can take responsibility as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself through engaging in inner conflict with myself as anger out of fear of survival.  I realize that sabotaging myself will not help the situation any.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself desire better circumstances for myself rather than facing the consequences of what is here as myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to be created as.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself go into a pattern of giving up, self-sabotage and/or self-punishment, I stop and breath and investigate the point - addressing first why I fear looking at the point, and then opening up the point to not allow any self-judgement, sabotage, or self-punishment within myself.

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