Day 226 - Double-Mindedness a.k.a. Bi-Polar Disorder

From Wikipedia
Bipolar disorder or bipolar affective disorder (historically known as manic–depressive disorder or manic depression) is a psychiatric diagnosis for a mood disorder. Individuals with bipolar disorder experience episodes of a frenzied state known as mania (or hypomania), typically alternating with episodes of depression.

At the lower levels of mania, such as hypomania, individuals appear energetic and excitable and may in fact be highly productive. At a higher level, individuals begin to behave erratically and impulsively, often making poor decisions due to unrealistic ideas about the future, and may have great difficulty with sleep. At the highest level, individuals can experience very distorted beliefs about the world known aspsychosis. Individuals who experience manic episodes also commonly experience depressive episodes; some experience a mixed state in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time. Manic and depressive episodes typically last from a few days to several months and can be interspersed by periods of "normal" mood.





What is double-minded/Bi Polar disorder?  This problem is quite simply a symptom and result of not facing who we really are, not being honest with ourselves and thus not knowing ourselves for real.  We can ask ourselves a series of questions to determine if we are in fact double-minded/Bi Polar... Here are some examples...


Do I desire something (ex. happiness), and then at times desire something that would compromise what would be required for myself to live and express that certain happiness?

Do I sometimes say one thing, and then when I am around another person, say something different or even the exact opposite?

Do I exist within 2 or more characters in my mind, where one character is the 'bad' character and the other is the 'good' character whom I use to appease my conscience and justify the actions of the bad character?

Do I ever fantasize about myself in particular situations in my mind, where I make myself out to be the hero of the situation and so I feel better about myself?

Do I ever make decisions based on the fact that I feel happy and so want to do something good for someone to puff up my good character - so that I can eventually feel relieved of enough guilt that I can go back to my bad character?

Do I ever emulate characters through my personality to get things that I want from other people?

Do I constantly struggle with myself, going from high to low to high to low... back and forth in a never ending  cycle - apparently beyond the control of our will power to direct?

Do I really know myself, or do I exist in fear of being honest with myself about who I really am?

Do I fear losing either the good or the bad characters or both?

Do I second-guess myself all the time, being unable to stick with decisions?

Do I really believe that I can exists as a split personality, in two different worlds and not ever have to face myself?

Am I upset with myself because I know I am not being honest with myself?

Am I tired of playing the game and running away from myself?

Most will only get this (as I did) after a somewhat life threatening, shocking, or traumatic physical experience causes us to question who we are in this reality.

Join Desteni and Take the Desteni I Process to stop Double-Mindedness and Get Real with yourself.

Day 184 - Self-Created Desperation

This morning I woke up and there was strong energies running through my body, it felt like a form of positively charged excitement.  I had worked strenuously the previous day and there was some slightly 'positive' potential opportunities that opened up. I could not sit and focus myself, so I lay down in bed to ground them and ended up falling asleep.    

I am often inundated with strong, energetically charged feelings early in the morning, either positive or negative.  I attribute this to the fact that I see so many possibilities as ideas in my mind, and through this I create within myself desires to experience and express myself, or alternatively, if I feel that my situation is preventing me from expanding myself, I experience strong negative energetic resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to write out the issue for myself and so allow a cycle to pass without pushing the resistance, and so have to face it again in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by positive/negative/neutral energies which have been programmed into myself through the mind as desires and fears of facing and directing myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see energetic feelings within myself controlling me, to stop and breathe and write out exactly what it is I am experiencing within myself so that I can sort out what is the starting point and apply self-forgiveness on the problem so that I may stop it at its source and no longer allow myself to be controlled by the thoughts/feelings/emotions.

When I went to see a tarot card reader a number of years ago, she confirmed that I was heavily influenced by emotions, which I admit I have been throughout my life.  Through my extensive self-suppression and denial (as well as fear of losing moments in time), I created a strong desire within myself to experience every moment to its utmost capacity.  Each time I was rejected or put down, I took it personally and hard, suppressing the feeling deep within myself until eventually, at some point I would explode in anger.  Never realizing and being reluctant to face myself and what I was creating myself as - which was a form of desperation - Justified by the 'good' character I created in my mind.

Desperately grasping at fleeting moments and memories, trying to squeeze out as much joy as possible
Desperately believing in a magical place I could one day escape to, and everything would be real, fun, and full of joy.
Desperately clinging to hopes of a happy ending.
Desperately hiding and avoiding who I was in my own fear of myself.
Desperately wishing people would like me.
Desperately blaming and hating the world in attempt to justify my own self-denial.
Desperately wanting someone to understand me.
Desperately angry with myself and punishing myself to justify my good, humble character  


So the starting point of all this desperation is fear of myself and not taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out of desperation in fear of myself, neglecting to face the starting point of why I was so desperately angry with myself, which was because I accepted and allowed many self-judgments, believing them to be 'who I was' as less than and not 'wise' or 'intelligent' enough to understand how reality functions.   In that I also never considered specifically forgiving myself and correcting myself to that I could let go of all the anger and desperation and express myself without fear.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grasp at fleeting moments and memories in attempt to squeeze out as much joy as possible without realizing that grasping at the illusion in ignorance and fear is not the answer to myself, I must realize, accept, forgive the past, and face of who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a magical place somewhere which I can one day escape to, where everything will be real, fun, and full of joy.  I realize here is the only place I can exist, and there is no-where else, but here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for a happy ending.  I realize that hope is a useless idea without practical application in doing what is necessary to be done.  Therefore here is where I must create myself and my world as the best it can be for everyone, not just myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid who I am as a physical being, Equal to all that exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish people would like me in a mind-diversion and attempt to escape the responsibility of accepting and embracing myself through self-realization, self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and hate the world as a diversion of my own self-denial.  I realize my responsibility is to first correct myself so that I may be effective in changing myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for someone to understand me when it is my responsibility to make the effort to understand myself, as no one will do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and punish myself.  I realize that these are not solutions to my problems, and only further suppress the problem and make things worse.  Self-forgiveness and self-correction are the only way to solve myself and assist myself to stand Equal to what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and therefore change myself to become self-honest and live what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have people on 'my side' as if to make an excuse within myself as to why I cannot move myself by myself.  Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as 'better than' others, as someone who is knowledgeable, wise, intelligent, honest, true, smart, funny or someone who knows the answers to everything.  I realize that thoughts such as these create a polarized reaction through thoughts/feelings and emotions and only serve to subvert the process of realization that we are all realizing and becoming Equal and so each of us have a responsibility and an Equally valid part to contribute.

Self help and support available at Eqafe.com

169 - Setting Goals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be upset with myself and judge myself because I have not achieved the goals that I have set for myself.

I realize that resentment towards myself for not achieving goals does not help the situation, it is giving up on myself in rebellion and blame towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others for the fact that I have not achieved goals.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rebel against myself for not achieving goals.

I realize that I am not to blame myself for not achieving my goals, as I am still existing within a corrupt money system which constricts my capacity to achieve goals.

I also realize that through consistent application of achieving small goals will eventually lead to larger goals through the accumulation factor of 1+1+1.

When and as I see that I have not achieved a goal for myself, I clear my starting point to here in order to find and address the reason(s) why through writing, and so re-align the point within myself through taking self-responsibility.

Rather than get upset with myself, I move myself to redo the process of setting a goal for myself.

When and as I find that I am defining the process of setting goals difficult or futile, I clear my starting point to here as breath within my commitment to myself to stand for Life in self-honesty, which is my foremost and ultimate goal - to be honest with myself always, in all ways, and in that I have no choice in the matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define goal setting as complicated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define goal setting as useless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something that I am not able to see that is obstructing me from achieving my goals, and so use that as an excuse to give up on myself and go into a state of depression within myself.

I realize that when things appear to be complicated or frustrating that that is the the point of resistance where I must push myself - through trusting myself to stand and be honest with myself.

I commit myself to - whenever I become discouraged with myself - to SIMPLIFY that matter to being here with myself and moving myself in what way I am able.

I commit myself to set small goals for myself so that I can learn how to support myself through setting goals, so that I can be effective in changing myself and supporting Equality of Life for All.

168 - The Evil Trinity of Beliefs Hopes and Desires

Something has been haunting me for a long time now, only to finally reveal itself while contemplating early this morning.

The infamous quote 'Know Your Role' on the surface it would appear to be an obvious slander. For myself it has been a bit of an issue, representing the submission and acceptance of oppression in hierarchical society.  From a different perspective however, this is something that I can see as being practical support.  In order to 'know my role', it is first important that I first 'know myself'.

Due to the extensive programming over my entire lifetime, I have allowed myself to fall into the many pitfalls of Desire, Hope, and Belief.  The combination of these three evils has formed the basis for repeated and extensive cycles of depression and disillusionment - for which I never saw how the pattern played out entirely.  I will attempt to outline the pattern to assist myself in this.

1.  Belief - The entry point for this whole programmed pattern is Belief.  That is to say many Beliefs are formed and accepted as 'the way it is' with the excuse that 'this is the way everyone exists', therefore I must exist in this same way – as holding Beliefs (borrowed and concocted opinions) of who I am in comparison with others, rather than accepting as who I actually am, as a physical being and an Equal in my reality.

2.  Desire – Through the existence of Beliefs, many selfish Desires begin to creep their way into the mind, and then they are accepted as 'natural' and 'normal', with the justification that everyone else is doing it – and it is even somehow acceptable to have 'secret' Desires.

3.  Hope – Hopes are consequently created through Desires, as Hope and Desire are inseparable - all three together form the Holy Trinity of Delusion.  Hope is the carrot on the stick that constantly leads into self-deception.  Through the Beliefs and Desires we create images of ourselves in our minds that are not real.  These images are the manifestation of us seeking to escape all of the (at times extreme) unpleasant consequences we have created for ourselves through denial.  We create alternate realities - personalities and characters in our mind to suite all of our false Hopes.

We then take these images as personalities and characters and act them out in order to try and get the experience that would match the desired outcome of how we would 'like' to experience ourselves, rather than accepting who we are here.  Then when we inevitably face the real consequences of what our delusional personalities (Hopes and Desires) created – which are unpleasant, or what we would classify as 'negative' energy experiences, we go into all kinds of reactions of frustration, anger, denial, depression etc etc.  All this without realizing that we accepted all the programmed false Beliefs, Hopes and Desires in the first place.

I am seeing this whole pattern with regards to a specific situation, and how it has played out in my life, and consequently lead to many disastrous situations.  Compounding the consequences is the continued denial through grasping for additional Beliefs, Hopes, and Desires - in addition to those already existing, hoping to find the right pattern for happiness and fulfillment.

This constant feedback loop takes us out of alignment with ourselves... thus 'Know Your Role', is really about knowing ourselves for who we really are, and so I am (we are) denying responsibility to ourselves and all, through chasing Beliefs, Hopes, and Desires. This eventually leads to blame and recreating the whole infinite pattern again.

Beliefs, Hopes and Desires ought to have no place in reality as they are actually neglect of who I am here, and what I have created for myself through past acceptances and allowances – this includes every aspect of my environment.  According to the images of my mind, my life would appear to be a disastrous failure - as not having achieved my grandest Hopes and Desires, thus judging myself and defining myself as a failure for not choosing the correct patterns of Beliefs, Hopes, and Desires, which were all deception from the start.

The lesson being – no matter how awful the situation appears to be, we really have no choice but to accept it and embrace who we are here, as that is the only way we can change to deprogram ourselves - to stop chasing selfish Desires, and so create the best possible situation for ourselves and everyone through living what is best for all.



artwork credit www.southvalleyart.com 

Day 70 - Re-writing the sugar point

Directing myself here in the moment as breath as me.  No preparation.  I am here.  This is the point to walk as myself.  All points that do not align with me standing as Equality reveal themselves, and if I am here, the point to direct will be here, to be directed and aligned with Equality in the moment, breath by breath I walk me out of consequence and into life.  Here I write the words to be lived and put into action.  Here is where I honor my commitment to myself to stand and become life.  All or nothing.  Words are easy to say, but to live all my words requires self-discipline.  There is still some resistances I have to push within my application.  I just yawned 3 times and put both hands on my face.  Just yawned again.  Facing myself as the mind wanting me to stop and rest and my mind not wanting me to write, as then my secrets are exposed.  I direct myself here to write myself, I will not accept and allow myself to be directed and controlled by tiredness.

The sugar point came up today, I am still allowing myself to eat too much sugar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the desire for sugar and so fall prey to the addiction which is harmful to my physical body.  When and as I see myself desiring sugar, I stop and clear my starting point.  I direct myself to support my body and stop harming myself through consumption of harmful products that taste good yet do not support my physical body.  I realize that this sugar point is self-abuse as I am aware of the consequences of too much sugar.  Therefore I stop myself here. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify to myself why I need sugar/chocolate.  I realize that justifications are not me directing myself here as breath, but thoughts that my mind uses to control me and divert my attention away from myself so I do not stand and be self-honest within the point of considering my whole body and what it requires to eat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel down on myself if I do not eat something sweet after a meal.  I realize that this is a point which comes from a memory of when I was at a friends house, in the kitchen when I overheard his mother saying 'I am going to die if I do not have something sweet to eat' which was after dinner.  Thus I associated the point of 'desiring to have something sweet after dinner' as the idea that 'this will give me pleasure'.  This is not the case whatsoever, because my body goes into reaction when I eat sugar, thus my body does not need or require sweet things to eat after dinner, rather this is harmful for my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping sugar.  I realize that this fear is not who I am, as it is within the idea that I cannot stop myself based on past experiences where I found stopping sugar to be 'difficult'.  I realize that it is not difficult, I create the idea that it is difficult through my fear that I cannot stop.  Sugar is not best for all of my body, therefore I do not support this relationship I have formed with sugar.

I commit myself to face the sugar point within myself.  When and as I see the desire for sugar, I stop and clear my starting point within breath, I state myself as 'here'.  I take authority to direct myself within my decision to honor my agreement with myself as my physical body to stop the addiction to sugar.  Sugar is a fleeting experience as taste that I must face and deal with before the consequence forces me to the point where I have no other choice but to stop.

I commit myself to when and as I see my mind try and justify itself in directing me to have sweets, I stop and clear my starting point to here.  I direct myself in the moment of breath to consider and do what is best for all of my physical body.

I commit myself to realize that I must take responsibility for my self-created addictions, and in so, eat responsibly what my body needs and to not eat as a form of escaping myself, but eat what supports my body when actually required.

I commit myself to walk the process of directing myself and facing myself in each moment within the realization of what is necessary for my body and to not compromise myself within the justification of good taste, which is in polarity to bad taste yet has no relevance to what is actually supporting me and what is harmful for me. 

I commit myself to walk this point I have realized for myself into living application of myself, proving to myself that I am able to change, to realize myself within self-honesty.  To realize what I have missed of myself through succumbing to the addiction to sugar.

Any point can be walked with self-commitment as self-support in the starting point of Equalizing myself in self-honesty