Tuesday, 9 April 2013
Day 184 - Self-Created Desperation
This morning I woke up and there was strong energies running through my body, it felt like a form of positively charged excitement. I had worked strenuously the previous day and there was some slightly 'positive' potential opportunities that opened up. I could not sit and focus myself, so I lay down in bed to ground them and ended up falling asleep.
I am often inundated with strong, energetically charged feelings early in the morning, either positive or negative. I attribute this to the fact that I see so many possibilities as ideas in my mind, and through this I create within myself desires to experience and express myself, or alternatively, if I feel that my situation is preventing me from expanding myself, I experience strong negative energetic resistance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to write out the issue for myself and so allow a cycle to pass without pushing the resistance, and so have to face it again in the future.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by positive/negative/neutral energies which have been programmed into myself through the mind as desires and fears of facing and directing myself.
I commit myself to, when and as I see energetic feelings within myself controlling me, to stop and breathe and write out exactly what it is I am experiencing within myself so that I can sort out what is the starting point and apply self-forgiveness on the problem so that I may stop it at its source and no longer allow myself to be controlled by the thoughts/feelings/emotions.
When I went to see a tarot card reader a number of years ago, she confirmed that I was heavily influenced by emotions, which I admit I have been throughout my life. Through my extensive self-suppression and denial (as well as fear of losing moments in time), I created a strong desire within myself to experience every moment to its utmost capacity. Each time I was rejected or put down, I took it personally and hard, suppressing the feeling deep within myself until eventually, at some point I would explode in anger. Never realizing and being reluctant to face myself and what I was creating myself as - which was a form of desperation - Justified by the 'good' character I created in my mind.
Desperately grasping at fleeting moments and memories, trying to squeeze out as much joy as possible
Desperately believing in a magical place I could one day escape to, and everything would be real, fun, and full of joy.
Desperately clinging to hopes of a happy ending.
Desperately hiding and avoiding who I was in my own fear of myself.
Desperately wishing people would like me.
Desperately blaming and hating the world in attempt to justify my own self-denial.
Desperately wanting someone to understand me.
Desperately angry with myself and punishing myself to justify my good, humble character
So the starting point of all this desperation is fear of myself and not taking responsibility for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out of desperation in fear of myself, neglecting to face the starting point of why I was so desperately angry with myself, which was because I accepted and allowed many self-judgments, believing them to be 'who I was' as less than and not 'wise' or 'intelligent' enough to understand how reality functions. In that I also never considered specifically forgiving myself and correcting myself to that I could let go of all the anger and desperation and express myself without fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grasp at fleeting moments and memories in attempt to squeeze out as much joy as possible without realizing that grasping at the illusion in ignorance and fear is not the answer to myself, I must realize, accept, forgive the past, and face of who I am here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a magical place somewhere which I can one day escape to, where everything will be real, fun, and full of joy. I realize here is the only place I can exist, and there is no-where else, but here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for a happy ending. I realize that hope is a useless idea without practical application in doing what is necessary to be done. Therefore here is where I must create myself and my world as the best it can be for everyone, not just myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid who I am as a physical being, Equal to all that exists.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish people would like me in a mind-diversion and attempt to escape the responsibility of accepting and embracing myself through self-realization, self-forgiveness and self-correction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and hate the world as a diversion of my own self-denial. I realize my responsibility is to first correct myself so that I may be effective in changing myself and my world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for someone to understand me when it is my responsibility to make the effort to understand myself, as no one will do it for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and punish myself. I realize that these are not solutions to my problems, and only further suppress the problem and make things worse. Self-forgiveness and self-correction are the only way to solve myself and assist myself to stand Equal to what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and therefore change myself to become self-honest and live what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have people on 'my side' as if to make an excuse within myself as to why I cannot move myself by myself. Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as 'better than' others, as someone who is knowledgeable, wise, intelligent, honest, true, smart, funny or someone who knows the answers to everything. I realize that thoughts such as these create a polarized reaction through thoughts/feelings and emotions and only serve to subvert the process of realization that we are all realizing and becoming Equal and so each of us have a responsibility and an Equally valid part to contribute.
Self help and support available at Eqafe.com