Last night I stumbled upon a video that really assisted me to remove a major stumbling block. It really seemed to 'click' where many missing pieces fit together and made a lot of sense. Now I have to do the work to apply myself in a practical way, and see what else is preventing me from changing, aligning, and re-creating myself free from patterns of enslavement.
I woke up and was going over it in my mind, yet could not seem to place it exactly, hence feelings of agitation.
Why do I not want to get up?
Why am I feeling agitated?
Why do I not want to achieve goals for myself?
Why do I not want to enjoy my experience?
- Because I feel I have messed up my life and missed so much potential in my life.
- Desiring to blame and punish myself for messing up my life
- Not trusting myself that the application will work – doubting myself based on past failures and the absurity of the system
- Thinking I do not have enough time or energy to do it and the reward will not be satisfying enough
- Not seeing, trusting, realizing the reward as being worth it
- Energy resistances of negative emotions as jealousy
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and others for the situation I am in and for the fact that I perceive myself to have missed so much opportunities in my life. In that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for my past in the desire to be better than others – as within this thought of blaming myself and others for my past I accepted and allowed the belief that I was 'foolish' – in the polarity of desiring to be 'more intelligent' than others as I should have figured it out for myself, yet the support of others was essential to me being able to figure things out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself for past mistakes and blind acceptances and allowances. I realize these mistakes allowed me perspective to see myself in what I was accepting and allowing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt that the process will work for me in self-doubt rather than simply trusting myself which is the only obvious solution – despite how difficult and brutal the situation appears to be – it can and will change through pushing my resistances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within my mind as the belief (as a negative energy charge) that I do not have enough time or energy to correct the situation, rather than simply dealing with what is here and working towards a solution.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the reward will not be satisfying enough, as well as the belief that it will be drudgery, as mind created ideas of what life is, in the minds attempt to sabotage my process.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there will be no reward, thus it will not be worth the effort.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play host to jealousy within myself as the mind of thoughts of envy towards others, seeing and defining them as 'better than' me for having figured out different aspects of how the system works and so have been able to use it to their benefit.
What are the specific starting points of resistances and energetically charged feelings within myself;
- Negative energy charge as a result of fear of not being able to compete with larger companies
- Negative energy charge as a result of fear of being overloaded with too much strenuous work
- Negative energy charge related to a negative outlook based on past patterns
- Negative energy charge related to a negative outlook based on 'hopeless/inescapable situation' mentality
- Negative energy charge based on the feeling of being trapped in my situation/consequence
- Negative energy charge based on the lack of perceived ability to move and expand myself due to financial constraints
- Negative energy charge as a result of lack of personal enjoyment/fulfillment resulting in lack of self-motivation
- Negative energy charge as a result of the internal conflict of understanding my actual potential vs system misgivings, education requirements and inflexibility
- Positive energy charge within the belief that I can temporarily sustain myself on the baseline income enough to get by
- Positive energy charge within the belief that I see no opportunity for expansion, and therefore can postpone responsibilities until an opportunity presents itself
Origination of Consequential Outflows
- Not understanding myself and thus naively following beliefs
- Me trusting the education system and not understanding how the world system works
- Resulting in; me making improperly aligned career choices that did not specifically suit my skills.
- Underestimating the inherent lack of responsibility within the system
- Not understanding the point - that the system works through relationship bribery and 'who-you-know'
- Myself being acutely aware of, and therefore rebellious towards the manipulative and coercive 'brown-nosing' within the system.
- Therefore I deemed it best for myself and necessary to separate myself from those who were manipulative and controlling, so that I could understand and make choices for myself, unhindered by the biased influence of others, as it eventually became clear that I could trust no one.
- Hence I find myself in a somewhat awkward and isolated situation.
- This, in addition to the patterns of suppression within myself I have not fully dealt with yet - thus energetically charged systems resonate within my physical body in a type of 'eddy' creating substantial resistances where my physical body is absorbing all of the current and depleting me of physical energy, which otherwise could be used to direct myself towards working as much, and as effectively as I could be.
More self-forgiveness and solutions to follow...