How is it, that I have put so much effort, so much time, and so much resources of myself into aiding it, never realizing how it works, and what I, and it, was doing to myself? How is it possible that I could not recognize something so corrosive, and sinister? Why didn't I realize? I ask myself. I mean, I see it every day, it's so completely out in the open and obvious, yet I was blinded to how I was participating within it, and so I deliberately allowed it to infiltrate, possess, and consume me.
When did this all start? Looking back, it was a very slow and subtle process of indoctrination, and on top of the fact that the only alternative seemed to be to transgress everyone and everything - which would have meant being honest with myself - an epic challenge no less, which undoubtedly, I would have found myself in a rather 'uneasy' and 'unpredictable' situation.
This seemed like the perfect time to get a second opinion from all of those 'ready-made' and 'up for grabs' justifications. "What!? I can't do that!? People will think you are crazy!? No Way!?" Oh they were more than happy to 'jump to the rescue' in my mind, though little did I realize, a rescue it was not, but an approval of and for the surrendering of myself.
That was the time I allowed myself to cave in to fear of myself. That was the time I began the ever losing battle with myself... and sadly, I did not count the cost.
That was a very long time ago, and the consequence of that decision affects me to this day. I wonder what it would have been like if I had chosen to transgress everyone and be honest with myself. What would it have been like... to stand for Equality, and to not allow myself to give in to fear of god, or fear of my parents, or fear of my teachers, or fear of my friends, or fear of death, or fear of myself? What would it have been like to be honest with myself? Wow, that would have been Epic fun!! No doubt accompanied by it's share of hardships... But it would have been sooo worth it hahaha!!
Nevertheless, wondering does not change what is here. I do not blame myself, and I have forgiven myself for the most part. What is important now is for me to see, and realize, and to understand, with what time I have left - absolutely, and without question - that this war, this self-dishonesty within myself MUST STOP at all cost, or I will face far worse.
What is this war with myself? How is it happening? How am I allowing it to happen? How am I participating in it? Why am I fighting myself? I realize - war is conflict. Conflict is the clashing of two opposing forces, both believing and/or having the opinion they are 'good', and the other is 'evil'. Obviously if war exists, then neither side is 'good' - and the only way they can have that belief that they are 'good' or 'better than', is if they believe they are separate, and so are existing in delusion, fear, and denial.
So to stop conflict, I have to first recognize, then deal with, and deconstruct what is supporting the conflict. Namely - Justifications. Justifications heal, comfort, and console... as long as the conflict is supported. Justifications appear to have great pity, compassion, and caring - yet they only care for the conflict to continue. They make it seem like everything is OK, everything is 'all right', everything is 'normal', everything is gonna be juuuust fine. Justifications are masters of seduction, seeking only power and control.
Justifications esteem and admonish the highest places of leadership and authority. Justifications think they are better, and wiser, because they believe they are 'more knowledgeable', and therefore always the 'safest' choice. Safety first! Justifications judge what is right and wrong, secretly blaming and neglecting responsibility - while inducing and indulging in inner conflict.
Justifications appear to be very 'aware' of everything, having the appearance of composure and self-confidence, yet secretly they are fearful and insecure. Justifications adore definitions, classifications, achievements, and titles for the purpose of promoting self-righteousness, and belittling those they deem unworthy. Thus they have high respect for laws, first and foremost the laws within their mind. Justifications nurture competition, and greatly value winning - yet they often disguise this with an attitude of 'fairness' or a clever term like 'democracy'. They value beauty and the appearance of perfection, desiring to cover up mistakes - as if a mistake is something to be ashamed of - unless of course they must protect their compassionate character.
Justifications adore celebrations and excitement, and feed off the attention of our minds, draining us of the energy we so willfully provide in our service to fear. Justifications strictly impose their beliefs and opinions, so as to justify their ego's, and boost their own 'moral standards' with more complex, and self-centered justifications. Justifications are always ready to offer a sympathetic excuse, or a perhaps quick-witted, light-hearted diversion. Justifications accept the existence of consequence as a 'casualty of war', and to them change is impossible - because this is 'just the way it is', and 'the way it always has been'. Justifications are systematic, premeditated, and vindictive, existing merely for an opportunity for revenge - the revenge of the ego. They are the reflection of ourselves as the image in our secret mind.
Through all my acceptances and allowances, justifications have infused themselves into my very being. So now, I have the task of re-creating myself through breathing and self-forgiveness, so that I can stop ALL of the dishonest justifying within myself. To create myself, and commit myself to no longer accept and allow ANY justification whatsoever within myself, as justification only means conflict. Without justifications, conflict could not exist, as conflict would be exposed for what it really is - separation - and separation means defeat - and defeat is simply unacceptable.
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