Day 189 - Recognizing the Silent Accomplice

How is it, that I have put so much effort, so much time, and so much resources of myself into aiding it, never realizing how it works, and what I, and it, was doing to myself?  How is it possible that I could not recognize something so corrosive, and sinister?   Why didn't I realize?  I ask myself. I mean, I see it every day, it's so completely out in the open and obvious, yet I was blinded to how I was participating within it, and so I deliberately allowed it to infiltrate, possess, and consume me.

When did this all start?  Looking back, it was a very slow and subtle process of indoctrination, and on top of the fact that the only alternative seemed to be to transgress everyone and everything - which would have meant being honest with myself - an epic challenge no less, which undoubtedly, I would have found myself in a rather 'uneasy' and 'unpredictable' situation.

This seemed like the perfect time to get a second opinion from all of those 'ready-made' and 'up for grabs' justifications.  "What!?  I can't do that!?  People will think you are crazy!?  No Way!?"  Oh they were more than happy to 'jump to the rescue' in my mind, though little did I realize, a rescue it was not, but an approval of and for the surrendering of myself.

That was the time I allowed myself to cave in to fear of myself.  That was the time I began the ever losing battle with myself...  and sadly, I did not count the cost.

That was a very long time ago, and the consequence of that decision affects me to this day.  I wonder what it would have been like if I had chosen to transgress everyone and be honest with myself.   What would it have been like... to stand for Equality, and to not allow myself to give in to fear of god, or fear of my parents, or fear of my teachers, or fear of my friends, or fear of death, or fear of myself?  What would it have been like to be honest with myself?  Wow, that would have been Epic fun!!  No doubt accompanied by it's share of hardships... But it would have been sooo worth it hahaha!!

Nevertheless, wondering does not change what is here.  I do not blame myself, and I have forgiven myself for the most part.  What is important now is for me to see, and realize, and to understand, with what time I have left - absolutely, and without question - that this war, this self-dishonesty within myself  MUST STOP at all cost, or I will face far worse.

What is this war with myself?  How is it happening?  How am I allowing it to happen?   How am I participating in it?  Why am I fighting myself?  I realize - war is conflict. Conflict is the clashing of two opposing forces, both believing and/or having the opinion they are 'good', and the other is 'evil'.  Obviously if war exists, then neither side is 'good' - and the only way they can have that belief that they are 'good' or 'better than', is if they believe they are separate, and so are existing in delusion, fear, and denial.

So to stop conflict, I have to first recognize, then deal with, and deconstruct what is supporting the conflict.  Namely - Justifications.  Justifications heal, comfort, and console... as long as the conflict is supported.  Justifications appear to have great pity, compassion, and caring - yet they only care for the conflict to continue. They make it seem like everything is OK, everything is 'all right', everything is 'normal', everything is gonna be juuuust fine.  Justifications are masters of seduction, seeking only power and control.

Justifications esteem and admonish the highest places of leadership and authority.  Justifications think they are better, and wiser, because they believe they are 'more knowledgeable', and therefore always the 'safest' choice.  Safety first!  Justifications judge what is right and wrong, secretly blaming and neglecting responsibility - while inducing and indulging in inner conflict.

Justifications appear to be very 'aware' of everything, having the appearance of composure and self-confidence, yet secretly they are fearful and insecure.  Justifications adore definitions, classifications, achievements, and titles for the purpose of promoting self-righteousness, and belittling those they deem unworthy. Thus they have high respect for laws, first and foremost the laws within their mind.  Justifications  nurture competition, and greatly value winning - yet they often disguise this with an attitude of 'fairness' or a clever term like 'democracy'.  They value beauty and the appearance of perfection, desiring to cover up mistakes - as if a mistake is something to be ashamed of - unless of course they must protect their compassionate character.

Justifications adore celebrations and excitement, and feed off the attention of our minds, draining us of the energy we so willfully provide in our service to fear.  Justifications strictly impose their beliefs and opinions, so as to justify their ego's, and boost their own 'moral standards' with more complex, and self-centered justifications.  Justifications are always ready to offer a sympathetic excuse, or a perhaps quick-witted, light-hearted diversion.  Justifications accept the existence of consequence as a 'casualty of war', and to them change is impossible - because this is 'just the way it is', and 'the way it always has been'.  Justifications are systematic, premeditated, and vindictive, existing merely for an opportunity for revenge - the revenge of the ego.  They are the reflection of ourselves as the image in our secret mind.

Through all my acceptances and allowances, justifications have infused themselves into my very being.  So now, I have the task of re-creating myself through breathing and self-forgiveness, so that I can stop ALL of the dishonest justifying within myself.  To create myself, and commit myself to no longer accept and allow ANY justification whatsoever within myself, as justification only means conflict.  Without justifications, conflict could not exist, as conflict would be exposed for what it really is - separation - and separation means defeat - and defeat is simply unacceptable.

Day 142–Self Forgiveness on Self Denial–Dimensions

This post is a continuation from the previous day …
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-141-self-denial-dimensions.html

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to controlled by fear of others whom are threatening me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to avoid uncomfortable and/or stressful situations.  I realize that these situations must be faced and sorted out through doing what is practical common sense as what is necessary to be done, not out of anger or emotion, but from the starting point of here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to cause a conflict here” – I realize this as well as all the backchat below is/are a false justifications designed by myself so that I have an excuse as to not be direct with myself and others in doing what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “don't want to hurt anyone”. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I will talk about/deal with that later”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I would rather not deal with that right now”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to deal with that right now”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to waste my energy on describing this whole thing”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to impose my beliefs on x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to offend x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I deserve what I'm getting, and so I have to deal with the consequences.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “They will not understand/They don't/won't get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “Situation x will fail”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “What if situation x happens” – playing out worst case scenarios

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “What if desire x does not happen”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to expose myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want person x to hate me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want person x to think I'm using them”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want person x to be upset”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to be a bully”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I want to give others the opportunity to be responsible for themselves”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't know the answer”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to go there”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “What if I realize that I am at fault/guilty of x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “Its easier if I just play along”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I can't wait to be alone/free of person x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I'm not self-righteous"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push through the resistance to be direct with myself and others within having integrity to say what is necessary to be said in the moment, without fear of repercussions or what others might think, or how they may or may not react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with myself because I did not say what was necessary to be said in the moment, choosing rather to submit myself to fear of loss,  or fear of reactions from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when confronted with others due to me fearing the awkward moment as fear of myself, fear that I am not going to be able to say what must be said, and fear of being uncomfortable in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself because of the negative energy connotation I have given to the experience of myself, and in so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the positive energy experience of myself through fantasizing within my mind about things that would make me happy rather than take responsibility to express myself and be here in the physical rather than imaginary realms of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what has transpired in my life, and so desire to see them suffer in my mind.  I realize that this is self dishonesty as me not taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get an energetic high within conversing with others.  I realize that this desire is based on a personality system I have created where I have sought to avoid myself as who I am here in as a physical being, as an Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to appease others in order to avoid facing myself directly with integrity to say what is necessary to be said regardless of what the other will think of me afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by my mind within the reaction of tiredness, as this is the mind telling me that I am tired in order to try and avoid myself here, when I am not actually tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to slouch back or scratch my head when I am speaking with someone as a form of resistance to being here as breath in self-honesty and directly saying what is necessary to be said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot change the situation, when that is not the actuality whatsoever as I am here constantly changing and able to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am stuck in a situation, when that is not the case and only exists as my minds idea to keep me enslaved to self-pity and feeling down on myself .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have done everything I can do, when as long as there is inequality, there is work to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are no consequences for my actions because I do not see them immediately.  I realize that there is always consequence despite my ability to actually see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing personal experiences of myself in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fantasize to myself in my mind what it would be like if situation x happened in the physical.   I realize that this is an energetic experience of myself and therefore not real, but spiting myself from the physical and diminishing myself through dishonestly trying to exist in two worlds at once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will be disappointed with me or put out if I express myself in self-honesty, in so valuing others as being of ‘more value’ than myself, not seeing myself as an equal participant in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the inferior/superior polarity as well as the dominant/submissive characters based on the perception that to stand inferior is to be humble, as well as the perception that to be dominant is to be successful.  I realize this is abusive to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will criticize me and consequently going into anger and self-punishment and self-denial.   I realize that these fears are self created self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will use my expression as leverage to gain advantage over me.  I realize that I am responsible for myself and that if I project fears, then they will materialize as a reflection of what I accept and allow in my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself here as who I am as a physical being.  In so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others or of less value or of more value in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure as within the belief that I will have to put great effort into working with myself and others within the fear of wasting my time within the fear of failure.  I realize that failure is necessary for me to understand that things will only work when everyone works together for the common good of all – and that is the only solution.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself and direct myself and trust myself within the understanding of living what is best for all is the only way to live.

Self Support available at Eqafe.com

Day 141 - Self Denial Dimensions

 
Continuation from previous posts…
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-130-self-denial.html
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-131-self-denial-part-2.html
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-132-self-denial-part-3.html
 
Triggers/Memories
Typically prominent when I am confronted and/or speaking with another person, yet also occurring when I am alone. Example memory - I recall when I was young, a situation where person x getting very aggressive with me.
 
Being in daycare at the time, it was winter and I had a full face mask to protect from the cold. Perhaps out of nervousness of attending daycare (I cannot recall), I chewed on the mouthpiece of the mask. Person z was asked to wear the mask by Person x, and did not want to wear it because he thought it was gross (it was all mangled up). Person x asked me why I chewed on the mouthpiece, and I replied “because it was juicy…” (lol). Person x immediately went into a rage, grabbed me by my jacket and threw me into the front seat of the car from the back. Person x began cursing and yelling at me “Why the @#$% did you do that!?”. Being in fear, I did not know what else to reply or what Person x wanted me to reply, so I kept repeating I don't know.
 
There were many similar occurrences in which I allowed myself to go into self-denial/suppression. In so I developed the personality character of Self-denial, preferring not to speak or express myself due to fear of others being disappointed with me or reacting in rage/anger that would potentially cause an uncomfortable or stressful situation which I sought to avoid.
 
 
Thoughts - Justifications and excuses
“I don't want to cause a conflict here”
“I don't want to hurt anyone”
“I will talk about/deal with that later”.
“I would rather not deal with that right now”
“I don't want to deal with that right now”
“I don't want to waste my energy on describing this whole thing”
“I don't want to impose my beliefs on x”
“I don't want to offend x”
“I deserve what I'm getting, and so I have to deal with the consequences”
“They will not understand”
“They don't/won't get it”
“Situation x will fail”
“What if situation x happens” – playing out worst case scenarios
“What if desire x does not happen”
“I don't want to expose myself”
“I don't want person x to hate me”
“I don't want person x to think I'm using them”
“I don't want person x to be upset”
“I don't want to be a bully”
“I want to give others the opportunity to be responsible for themselves”
“I don't know the answer”
“I don't want to go there”
“What if I realize that I am at fault/guilty of x”
“Its easier if I just play along”
“I can't wait to be alone/free of person x”
"I'm not self-righteous"
 
 
Feelings/Emotions
Resistance/Reluctance to direct myself. Frustration. Awkwardness. Sadness as self-pity where I create a positive energy experience of myself – to compensate for the negative experience I had of self-denial) within the point that I can blame someone else, and then enjoy going into my 'happy place' in my mind, where I can create all kinds of fantasies of imagining the other person suffering, and myself playing out and enjoying all of the things (expressions and dreams) that I feel I have been denied in my life by others - through blame.
 
 
Physical
Through taking directive principle in a conversation this evening, I realize that it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part, whereas before I could just relax and let my mind do all the work for me, only speaking to appease the other, or facilitate the conversation when I wanted to get an energetic high. Also noticing physical resistance as tiredness, and wanting to slouch back in my chair. Scratching/Rubbing my head (for luck hhh).
 
 
Beliefs/Perceptions
Belief that I cannot change the situation. Belief that I am stuck in this situation. Belief that I've done everything I can do. Belief that there are no consequences because I do not see them here now.
 
 
Desires
Desire for personal experience in self-interest, and so fear losing personal experience. Desire to fantasize what it would be like if situation x happened in real life, how I would express myself – yet only creating it in imagination dimension.
 
 
Fears
Fear someone will be disappointed or 'put out' if I express myself. Valuing others as being of more value than myself, as playing out the inferior/submissive personality character based on the perception that to be inferior is to be humble. Based in the starting point of me allowing others to take responsibility for themselves, not realizing that I was avoiding taking responsibility for myself, not understanding myself as an Equal participant or how I had been suppressing myself.
 
Fear someone will criticize me, and cause me to go into a reaction of anger and consequently self-punishment, which I also feared, as I have seen the destructive consequences of my anger. Fear others will use my expression as leverage to gain advantage over me and/or make fun of me within the context of fear of not being liked and/or accepted by others. Not accepting myself for who I am. Fear of having to put out all kinds of effort, but believing that nothing will come of it as everything has failed in the past.
 
 
Consequences
Finding myself in situations I despise and desperately do not wish to be in. Being in situations where I am forced to do something regardless of whether or not I wish to do it or not. This has the resulting consequence of me going into stress, frustration, and anger with more spin-off consequences of those patterns/systems of enslavement.
 
 
Correction
Move and direct myself to take directive principle
 
Self Forgiveness and Correction to follow in next post…

Day 131 – Self Denial - Part 2

Continuation from http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-130-self-denial.html

Self-Denial.  An extensive, all encompassing point to say the least, with so many contributing factors and points of dishonesty and self-deception making itself appear somewhat daunting.  I have seen this point before, to a certain extent, however thanks to time and the Fibonacci spiral, it has once again come to revisit me.   It appears intimidating at first, because I only see the ‘path of destruction’ and consequence.  So to start I will ask myself some questions, as an interview with myself.

Why do I Not Want to Face this Point of Self-Denial?
-Angry with myself and others for allowing Self-Denial to happen.
-Angry that I cannot correct the past. 
-Angry and disillusioned because I now fear that I don’t even know or trust myself. 
-Fear and uncertainty of not being able to find all the source points of Self-Denial and correct them  effectively. 
-Subconsciously, Fear that in being honest with myself as my honest expression, I will not have any value, despite my understanding of Equality.
-Fear of artificially, accidentally, and/or overbearingly imposing myself on others. 
-Fear that because of what I have allowed in the past, I will only make mistakes and mess things up. 
-Fear that I have nothing to contribute. 
-Fear that my contribution will be judged as inadequate.
-Fear within taking responsibility of a physically debilitating condition and having to be a burden on someone.

What are the Initial Points (First occurrences) of Self-Denial Within Myself?
My parents were separated when I was young, around 5 or 6 and I was placed in my fathers custody.  I didn’t see my mother for many years after that.  My father re-married (my stepmother) and to me she was the most shallow, evil person I could have imagined in my worst nightmare. 

Initially, I had an idea of what life would be like, so I had a very ‘excited’ and ‘joyful’ (sometimes cocky lol) expression, which quickly faded and turned to inner dismay and extreme anger.
My parents were constantly discontent, very angry, and judgmental.  Looking back now, I would definitely classify this as abusive. I tried to make myself feel better through images of killing them in my mind.  I developed a deep hatred for both of them.

There were many others whom I hated in my childhood, partly out of blame, yet the experiences I had were far from the ideas I had of what life would or should have been like.  Things just weren’t right at all.     
Through this hatred of my parents and others, I felt I could not trust anyone, and I saw that I had no support for the ‘real me’.  My father said to me one day ‘I had no direction’.  For direction, one must have a destination and a purpose, neither of which I could fathom. 

I had secretly chosen abstinence and rebellion as my direction, partly in the attempt to get revenge on the system, and all those whom I so desperately hated in my life, and partly due to religious programming given to me at an early age.  It was like a form of mental suicide, not considering the consequences or how things would play out.   So I began to just ‘go with the flow’, hoping for a better future.

There was another person in particular through which I developed an extreme dislike.  The father of a friend of mine I perceived as very egotistical, macho, bullying, and belittling type of person.  He attributed great value to rich people in the world, and could care less about the poor or less fortunate. He had all of the ‘how to get rich books’ on a shelf, I recall.  I resented that personality so much that I made it my life’s purpose ‘not to be rich’ or ‘successful’ in spite of him, and unwittingly, spiting myself.  

In high school, i clearly saw the falseness of the system, through which I developed the idea that I would rebel against it.  I hated the monotony and the idea of pigeon-holing myself into a career.  I romanticized the idea of ‘living for today’, and settling for whatever happened in my life… I would find a way to ‘just get by’. 

I was not motivated by fear, choosing rather to value friendships and relationships, not realizing how insincere they were.  I genuinely cared about ‘genuine’ people, yet little did I understand that without money, your options become extremely limited, and your perceived value and capacity to do anything is greatly diminished.

What are the Main Points/Reasons of Self-Denial?
Interestingly, I did not trust myself because of disturbing images that came into my head when I was young.  I did not understand or know the source of these images, and thought that they were ‘part of me’, so I became fearful of myself, that I would harm someone, thinking myself to have some kind of evil within me.  Little did I know of how the program works, and the actual truth that I am not these thoughts, but they are preprogramed, impulsed mind projections. 

Self-judgement - leading to Self-Blame - leading to Self-pity.  From that develops the positive energy experience in the mind as the hope in the form of an external belief as a future escape/redemption from self here.

What are the Patterns and Consequences of Self-Denial?
Uncertainty and lack of Self-Trust
Hiding self
False Personality, Identity, Characterization
Escapism and Externalized Beliefs
Going into a ‘Shell’
Inferiority
Fearing of Self Expression/Introversion
Giving Up Easily
Aversion and Procrastination
Poor Decision Making
Irresponsibility to Self and Others
Limitation and Pessimism
Ineffectiveness
Unrealized/Wasted Potential
Self pity
Self hate
Resentment
Regret
Diminishment and Death

Conclusion
It is no wonder I had so much anger, severe anxiety problems, and Self-Denial within me through the years.  You would think in our society there would have been someone who noticed or actually cared enough to assist me to see the starting point of these issues and resolve them, so I could understand myself.  This simple understanding could have resolved a world of problems for myself and others.  Yet that is the nature of our systems, false caring and self-centered disassociation.  Only now at the age of 41 do I understand how these things have affected my life in such a profound way.  Not to blame, as we all have participated in creating and allowing this.

This is the reason we face so much severe consequences in our world.  We pretend to be responsible, yet we are absolutely irresponsible to life.  We are not life.  We are merely selfish and inconsiderate robots pretending to be life with pathetic excuses as to why we can’t take responsibility to be real and honest. 
Self-Denial is the worst thing we can possibly do to ourselves.

Self-forgiveness to follow…

Day 91 - Williams 7yr Journey to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to complete my process because I have not yet been able to direct every breath, as me fearing the future outcome based on the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condemn myself through self-judgement and the belief that I cannot change myself or my situation no matter how hard I try to apply myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that this process be over and I could just wake up and everyone would be standing as Equals as heaven on earth. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to 'skip steps' as if I am searching for a shortcut to some place I have defined in separation from what is here. I realize there is no shortcut to life, as all that is here as me must be considered, deconstructed, redefined, and walked into Equality and Oneness.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the idea that I am stuck.  I realize that the mind is stuck in self-interest as self-limitation, therefore I am stuck is but a false perception of who I am here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of powerlessness.  I realize that the idea that I am powerless is of the mind and actually a reflection of how I am giving my power away through the belief that I am stuck or trapped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire everything to be easy for myself when easy is not what is here.  Life would be easy if we all stood as Equals, yet we have made our situation appear difficult due to separation and perceptions, simply due to our collective denial of responsibility to Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by fear when things appear difficult.  I realize difficulty is of the mind as fearing the future and fearing for my survival as this character and thus not who I am, but a limited perceptional point of view of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to wonder about things in the desire to 'know' things as knowledge and information thinking that that will help me understand myself and be myself, when in fact knowledge of myself is only the tool with which I use to deconstruct myself so that I may stand Equal to my physical body as the physical existence in Equality here.

I commit myself to push myself in supporting and directing myself to align myself with living what is best for all in each moment.

I commit myself to constant change as self-movement, as me in the realization that I am able to change myself, integrating into and as my physical body and out of my mind of ego and abuse.

I commit myself to expose the falsehood of preprogrammed expectations of myself within 'what I think will happen' is never actually what happens, as happening is always happening here, as me birthing and changing myself so no enslavement exists within me or my world.

I commit myself to embracing what is here as me so that I can use this opportunity to Equalize myself with all of existence. 

I commit myself to change myself when times appear difficult and use those experiences as opportunities to transcend my fear of the future/fear of survival as thought projections, expectations and ideas based on my past.

I commit myself to, when and as I perceive myself to be stuck, use the opportunity to change and direct myself so that I can move myself and prove to myself that being stuck is merely a limited idea of the mind and an illusion.

I commit myself to Equalize myself in all ways so that each moment is Equally here as me and I stand in Equality as myself no matter what.

I commit myself to realize that limitation is of the mind as it attempts to fool me into the belief that I am limited and therefore cannot change or move myself.

I commit myself to stop judgements of time as I realize that time is a mechanism through which I am able to see myself and use to expose the deception that exists within my world and reality.

Day 65 - Embarrassment

Embarrassment is a subtle, and seemingly harmless construct, yet it is a crucial starting point to be aware of, as an acceptance and allowance of fear. In my fear of embarrassment, I hid from myself and denied myself physical expression. The more I can embrace situations that would typically be embarrassing, the more I am able to express myself in the physical, and free myself from the fear of myself.

How could I have been such a fool?  How could I have allowed myself to cower in fear of myself?  I cannot remember how it happened exactly from the start, however an example has come to mind...

When I was young, there was one evening where me and my 2 brothers were outside. Strangely, 3 girls came along. It was really weird, they were the same age as us, and the same height as the three of us - 1 tall, 1 medium height, and 1 short and younger.  I recall this experience, because we talked for a while, and I desperately wanted to get closer, and be more intimate with the tall girl (not sexually as I was too young for that at the time, around 12) .  I became quite uncomfortable in myself, as the blatantly obvious fact that I could not overcome my fears to express myself in front of everyone.  I was afraid of what would happen if I said something, what would my brothers think of me?  What if I embarrassed myself?  I didn't know what would happen. All of the justifications came up.  It was like I froze in submission - I refused to say what I felt, preferring to use anger as revenge for my own self-created frustration.  I recall the sinking feeling I had afterwords, the realization that I could not get past my own fears... eek.  Yet while I did not understand the full implications of what was at work, the self-dishonesty right in my face.

So suffice to say, no matter how subtle our fears manifested long ago, it is still no excuse to allow fears to rule over us - Fear is Fear, ego is ego, and dishonesty is dishonesty.  It is very clear cut when one truly looks into oneself.   At least I am able to understand now the implications and terrible consequences of not standing in absolute equality with myself as all.  Yet that is not enough, I must transcend all fear, and stop all dishonesty within myself, and change myself so that I can become equal in every way.  No exceptions and no excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower in fear, in the fear of myself, fearing the reactions of others - which is me being dishonest with myself in denying and trying to hide what is really going on inside me.  When what is going on within me is not equal to what is going on outside of myself, I stop and breathe, so that I can allow myself to see the consequences of what I am doing in self-honesty.  Is there a fear that I am not facing?  Is what I am participating in aligned with what is best for all?  Am I including or hiding my physical expression equal and one? Understanding that whatever consequences I create, I will have to face myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being embarrassed in front of others, not realizing that in allowing myself to fear embarrassment, I manifest more consequences that result in shame, humiliation, self-deception and abuse. I realize that embarrassment is submission to the mind as ego and false personality.  I am in a mind tantrum because I have not found the courage to face my fears, and so project that frustration onto an imaginary idea of myself where I can blame someone or something for my own failure to be self-honest with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to fear and be dishonest with myself, where I used justifications to try and escape myself in fear of what others would think - in so making myself a character in my mind, as less than the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as characters as a false image and idea of myself where I could play a game of hide and seek in my mind, enjoying the energetic rush to see who wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply and form relationships with the imaginary characters I created because they gave me a rush of energy that made me feel better - temporarily.  In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and consider the fact that the temporary good feelings NOT ONLY manifested bad feelings, but manifested my worst nightmare as the shameful and humiliating slow death and destruction of myself and that which gave me life - as the earth as the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to partake in the delusion of the living lie, creating myself as a lie and rejoicing in my own false creation - as opposed to living myself as the living word.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame onto an imaginary entity because I did not express myself. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into anger and guilt and shame and more fear, in the realization that I was not able to overcome my fears and express myself in self honesty to myself and others.  

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that the extent of the delusion I was creating would cause tremendous harm and abuse of myself through accepting and allowing fear to be the controlling force that directed me - further and further into self-deception and away from the source of myself - until I became so completely lost to the extent that I did not even recognize myself or what I was doing to myself anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider that the source of all existence IS me, and if I do not align myself with source as what is best for all as me, then I am completely fucked, utterly.

I commit myself to reversing the manifested consequences of what I have accepted and allowed in the past through self-forgiveness and walking the self-correction.

I commit myself to face my fears through writing and applying what I have written in my daily participation in my life.

I commit myself to free myself from enslavement to fear - where I walk myself through the process of self-honesty in to being equal on the inside and the outside, where I do not accept and allow myself to fear shame and humiliation.

I commit myself to do whatever is necessary to assist myself and others in the process of self-realization, so that we can walk together as a group that supports life as Equality, as the best that it can possibly be for everyone... everyone that has the courage to be self-honest inside and out, equal and one, to become life in the face of fear.

7yr Journey to Life Day 52 - Excluded

 I was just out for a bike ride and stopped by a baseball diamond, where there were people playing softball.   I wanted to play, but I did not ask anyone because I did not want to 'impose' on everyone and disrupt the game, or the score.  Everyone saw me sitting there watching, yet neither did anyone ask me to play.  It's so easy to just say 'ah whatever' and forget about it - as humans always do.  Yet here is a small, yet clear example highlighting the collective negligence and spitefulness in our world.  I realize I did not take responsibility to express myself, yet that is not the point I care to share here.  The point is what is the source of the COLLECTIVE failure?

Why is our reality so Exclusive? - to the extent that we disregard ourselves and others, and in so allow suppression/exclusion to exist?  Clearly we all share this experience in our world, and ALL are able to participate, so why are we not ALL-Inclusive?  The answer is simply, because our reality is a FEAR based SYSTEM - pre-programmed through KNOWLEDGE, with the resulting consequence of self-denial.

Welcome to the wonderful world of 'fuck you buddy!'... lets everyone just PRETEND we are not fully aware, and that life does not care.  Humans are Artisans of pretentiousness.  We physically see eachother and the exclusivity, yet not only do we blatantly deny it, we then go on to actually DEFEND it!!...  As if we are actually afraid of losing our pretend - and sickening - reality!!  To take it even further what really amazes me is that people actually think they can get away with it... As if life would never call us to account.  People actually live by the core morality of "No one else is admitting it, I don't have to either!" Complete bullshit, and irresponsibility to life.

This example is merely a fractal of the greater picture, where exclusivity is taken to the extreme, causing massive abuse and torment beyond comprehension.  

Within the realization of Equality - as what is best for all - full payment for our shockingly outstanding and overdue debt to Life is suddenly upon us.  And to those that outright deny Equality, even when directly presented with its cold, hard truth - will find themselves excluded through their own devices, as they deny themselves life, because Equality is the only road to Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a pretentious reality where exclusivity is accepted and allowed as the norm wherein we humans do not seek to solve the problem, but bury it within suppression and self-denial.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life will not call me to account for my self dishonesty in how I have denied myself and others within living a lie of exclusivity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a system which is based in fear as knowledge and information where fear is permitted to exist within the false belief that this is just the way it is and nothing can be done about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend that this 'fuck you buddy' reality is acceptable in any way, and use that justification to live in self-interest rather than change myself for the good of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend a sickening world system because I fear losing my pretentiousness and changing myself into a being that honors life - as opposed to self denial where extreme consequence takes place through me making false excuses and justifications.

I commit myself to change myself to align myself with that which is best for all so that I can change my world and reality through being self honest with myself first.

I commit myself to face the actual physical reality and stop the ego/mind reality so that all can be physically manifested and exposed so that no point goes without notice

I commit myself to create a world that is all inclusive and nothing is excluded in false mind beliefs and fears.