Day 222 - Fear, Desire, and Consequence

I saw a video of a man playing guitar on the street.    The strangest things can at times show us something profound within ourselves – the key is that we must have placed ourselves in a position to be able to see it.  If we have allowed ourselves to be blinded to our true self (by emotions, feelings, and ideas such as - guilt, shame, judgment, blame, regret, and anger etc.) we will not see who we really are when opportunities present themselves here... we will not have profound realizations, and we will not grow to our fullest potential, because we are literally constricted, choked, and smothered out by the belief that these emotions, feelings, and ideas are “Who We Are”.


This 'Belief' then creates a Fear, the Fear that if we were to give up our feelings/emotions/ideas about ourselves, we would be completely miserable, and so just want to die!!  So because we fear losing our belief of “Who We Are” - We try to hide that realization from ourselves by creating, accepting, and allowing another Belief in/as the Justification that “We are Powerless to Change!... But really, it's a simple case of Fear, based solely on a past indoctrination, upbringing, and memories which are all formulated, biased, passed-down, second-hand opinions and therefore merely recycled false-assumptions.  


The fear then goes unchallenged, because this is apparently the 'Very Scary' and 'Untouchable' God of the mind, which is simply the system as knowledge and information.  This system wants you to remain enslaved to fear forever, because if you are enslaved to fear, you are enslaved to the system.


Out of these false assumptions and beliefs, we then develop a desire, which is actually an advanced state of fear, where we have so earnestly sought an escape from all the negative feelings of abuse, suppression, and self-denial, that we think an energetic high as a personal experience will make us feel better and everything will be OK again!?  Not So.  We actually amplify and create more fear (as desire) in order that we may give ourselves more excitement within the mind as energetic delusions and temporary highs – which only serve to create more consequence in waiting.


Nonetheless, we remain addicted to our energetic mind-games.  We nurture the desire to feel better about ourselves at the expense of others.  This despite the consequence, which we cannot grasp as the extreme limitation of the mind as consciousness.  We claim to not understand how it works... another clever justification to the extent that we actually create the idea that we can simply turn a blind eye to all the suffering in the world and believe that we are separate from it,... “So glad I will never have to face that situation/problem”.  “Its in a different area of the world, so I can just forget about it and pretend that it is not really happening”... “Everyone over there deserves it anyway”.  


That is the lie.  The reality is that we can change, and we all have the power to direct ourselves and change into what is Best for All.  Most simply prefer to use any given random excuse to justify why they do not wish to change.  For example, the other day I heard the following excuse when I suggested to someone that they could support Equality. “I/We can't”... “It's too big”.  Will that excuse fly when you die and face yourself?  You didn't want to be honest with yourself because... it's too big?  What would assist one more would be to say “I don't want to change because I don't want to give up my comforts and self-enjoyments”, that way perhaps would make it easier to see your own selfishness, and then perhaps assist yourself to change, to give as you would like to receive.

The only real joy is in Self Honesty.




Investigate the Desteni I Process

Day 69 - The Rebel

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe the obvious deception in the world, and judge it as 'evil', in an attempt to separate myself from the world system, and in so define myself as a rebel, and 'good' as its opposite polarity, secretly thinking that I am better than the system, because I saw the inherent lies and abuse.   In seeing the system as evil in separation from myself, I decided that the best way to beat the system and stop the abuse, was for me to become a rebel and fight against it, as my personal war with the system, as a spiteful rebel against the system.  In so I claimed victory within myself in my mind, having beaten the system through not allowing it to enslave me to its ideas.  What I did not realize is that, I myself, created the system through my acceptances and allowances throughout my life and many past lives.  And so my mind-victory was in vain, as it did nothing to change the system to which I am still subject and enslaved to within and as my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe the deception in the world, and judge it as 'good', in an attempt to separate myself from the world system, and in so define myself as a rebel, and 'evil' as its opposite polarity, secretly thinking that I am better than the system, because I was able to face a point of fear which others were unable to face - as the fear of defining myself as evil.  In so doing, I further perpetuated the polarity war of good vs evil, which only fueled the system I was rebelling against in my character definition of myself, and thus I actually created a war within myself in spite of myself as the system I created.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly define myself as a brave and rebellious, hero character in my mind - as a positive energy experience of myself - through self-righteous judgement of the system as being evil - as a negative energy experience - without realizing that I was being irresponsible to myself as my world and reality, as, in order to address, solve and change the system, I have to stand within it and as it.  Therefore becoming the rebel character did nothing to support the actual solution to change the system as what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the actuality of myself here as a physical being.  Through my constant attempts to validate my brave, rebellious hero-character of the mind/ego, I realize that I portrayed my character as openly defiant, in thinking I was doing good by calling out perceived injustices in the system.  Yet I did not allow myself to realize, that abstaining from participating in system based functions such as the education system only put me deeper in debt to myself and life.  I realize that this abstinence, as me attempting to escape the system, in no way assisted and supported stopping the abuse of the system, but merely allowed it to persist as, hierarchical, mind-control and deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to validate the hero character of my mind through granting him mental attributes of other hero's extracted from my memories of movies and books.  In that, I realize that the hero's in my mind were not real, but glorified, positively charged ideas I had created about what it must be like to be a real hero so that I can get glory for myself, in my war against myself, not realizing I was actually sacrificing myself as life, and the consequences of being enslaved to consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to validate my character through deliberately defining myself as 'crazy' so that I could strengthen the false perception of fearlessness as an attribute of my rebel character, and so design my character as 'free' in opposition to all the injustice represented in the system.  What I did not realize, is that in defining myself, as my  character, as 'crazy', I was enslaving myself even further, because my character was never free in any way, as it was completely make-believe within a false perception of myself as separate within my mind. In addition to that, I was clearly still dependent on the system for my survival, thus making my claim of being free based on my limited idea of myself - as a character in my mind - utterly foolish and altogether ridiculous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use activism for causes as a means whereby I can further separate myself and define my multiple characters in opposition to the system.  I realize that these attempts to judge the system is me judging myself, to which the outflow is more abuse, more war, more suffering and more deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that my perception of myself as my character, as being a brave rebel, was actually a cover for the fear I had of the system, as being too hard to understand and too powerful to stop or change.   I realize that this was a false perception that I accepted through not understanding myself as part of the system.  When I realize who I am as an equal, I can take responsibility to first understand myself, and in doing so, I can understand how the system functions and in so change myself to put myself in a position with a group that supports life, where my contribution actually supports the solution - as Equal Money for All - through a group effort, which is the only way the system can change.

I commit myself to a process of birthing myself as life in the physical, which will stop the mind system within me, which will stop supporting the polarity war of good vs evil within me, so that I can begin to understand who I am as a physical being to understand and live what it means to stand for life as what is best for all.

I commit myself to stand as who I am as my physical body, as taking responsibility as an Equal, and in so doing stop the characterization of myself which only deludes me further into the mind as the polarity war with myself and the system, resulting in all the raging wars in our world and reality.

I commit myself to realize who I am here through understanding my physical body, and myself within breath, so that I no longer participate in mental judgements of myself, of the system, or of others.  In so doing, I can get myself to a point of clarity, where I can actually assist and support making real, physical change within my world and reality

I commit myself to realize that in order for me to be effective and change myself and the system to that which supports life, I must stand with the group that supports life as what is best for all.  And in so doing, I can contribute my efforts which will have exponential impact through collectively assisting and supporting each other to change our world and create heaven on earth.

I commit myself to face and embrace myself as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, so that I may face the hidden fears and false characters I have created through cycles of the past, to no longer accept and allow any abuse of life within myself.  In that way, by accumulation factor and the equality equation of 1+1=2, we can eventually change the world system as a whole to that which supports life as what is best for all in all ways. 

Day 65 - Embarrassment

Embarrassment is a subtle, and seemingly harmless construct, yet it is a crucial starting point to be aware of, as an acceptance and allowance of fear. In my fear of embarrassment, I hid from myself and denied myself physical expression. The more I can embrace situations that would typically be embarrassing, the more I am able to express myself in the physical, and free myself from the fear of myself.

How could I have been such a fool?  How could I have allowed myself to cower in fear of myself?  I cannot remember how it happened exactly from the start, however an example has come to mind...

When I was young, there was one evening where me and my 2 brothers were outside. Strangely, 3 girls came along. It was really weird, they were the same age as us, and the same height as the three of us - 1 tall, 1 medium height, and 1 short and younger.  I recall this experience, because we talked for a while, and I desperately wanted to get closer, and be more intimate with the tall girl (not sexually as I was too young for that at the time, around 12) .  I became quite uncomfortable in myself, as the blatantly obvious fact that I could not overcome my fears to express myself in front of everyone.  I was afraid of what would happen if I said something, what would my brothers think of me?  What if I embarrassed myself?  I didn't know what would happen. All of the justifications came up.  It was like I froze in submission - I refused to say what I felt, preferring to use anger as revenge for my own self-created frustration.  I recall the sinking feeling I had afterwords, the realization that I could not get past my own fears... eek.  Yet while I did not understand the full implications of what was at work, the self-dishonesty right in my face.

So suffice to say, no matter how subtle our fears manifested long ago, it is still no excuse to allow fears to rule over us - Fear is Fear, ego is ego, and dishonesty is dishonesty.  It is very clear cut when one truly looks into oneself.   At least I am able to understand now the implications and terrible consequences of not standing in absolute equality with myself as all.  Yet that is not enough, I must transcend all fear, and stop all dishonesty within myself, and change myself so that I can become equal in every way.  No exceptions and no excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower in fear, in the fear of myself, fearing the reactions of others - which is me being dishonest with myself in denying and trying to hide what is really going on inside me.  When what is going on within me is not equal to what is going on outside of myself, I stop and breathe, so that I can allow myself to see the consequences of what I am doing in self-honesty.  Is there a fear that I am not facing?  Is what I am participating in aligned with what is best for all?  Am I including or hiding my physical expression equal and one? Understanding that whatever consequences I create, I will have to face myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being embarrassed in front of others, not realizing that in allowing myself to fear embarrassment, I manifest more consequences that result in shame, humiliation, self-deception and abuse. I realize that embarrassment is submission to the mind as ego and false personality.  I am in a mind tantrum because I have not found the courage to face my fears, and so project that frustration onto an imaginary idea of myself where I can blame someone or something for my own failure to be self-honest with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to fear and be dishonest with myself, where I used justifications to try and escape myself in fear of what others would think - in so making myself a character in my mind, as less than the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as characters as a false image and idea of myself where I could play a game of hide and seek in my mind, enjoying the energetic rush to see who wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply and form relationships with the imaginary characters I created because they gave me a rush of energy that made me feel better - temporarily.  In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and consider the fact that the temporary good feelings NOT ONLY manifested bad feelings, but manifested my worst nightmare as the shameful and humiliating slow death and destruction of myself and that which gave me life - as the earth as the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to partake in the delusion of the living lie, creating myself as a lie and rejoicing in my own false creation - as opposed to living myself as the living word.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame onto an imaginary entity because I did not express myself. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into anger and guilt and shame and more fear, in the realization that I was not able to overcome my fears and express myself in self honesty to myself and others.  

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that the extent of the delusion I was creating would cause tremendous harm and abuse of myself through accepting and allowing fear to be the controlling force that directed me - further and further into self-deception and away from the source of myself - until I became so completely lost to the extent that I did not even recognize myself or what I was doing to myself anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider that the source of all existence IS me, and if I do not align myself with source as what is best for all as me, then I am completely fucked, utterly.

I commit myself to reversing the manifested consequences of what I have accepted and allowed in the past through self-forgiveness and walking the self-correction.

I commit myself to face my fears through writing and applying what I have written in my daily participation in my life.

I commit myself to free myself from enslavement to fear - where I walk myself through the process of self-honesty in to being equal on the inside and the outside, where I do not accept and allow myself to fear shame and humiliation.

I commit myself to do whatever is necessary to assist myself and others in the process of self-realization, so that we can walk together as a group that supports life as Equality, as the best that it can possibly be for everyone... everyone that has the courage to be self-honest inside and out, equal and one, to become life in the face of fear.

Williams 7yr Journey to Life - Day 56 - Time Traveling

Within my process I've become acutely aware of the ups and downs.  One day there is a feeling of up, the next its down, with even shorter intervals at times.  The most seemingly benign things can trigger ups and downs.  Something someone says, or I see a picture or something else will prompt a thought to come up, and I will reflect on it from a future perspective - as a projection, in comparing myself to someone or something - and I then create an idea of the 'best case scenario', or the 'worst case scenario'.

Thus jumping from one time dimension to another, in fear of 'what may or may not happen' in the future - all based on my past programmed thoughts and ideas.

What I really need to do is write things out immediately when they come up, that way I can trap my feelings in one dimension - here - so that I can see it and deconstruct it without the thought and feeling 'fleeing' away, only to come back at another time if it is not dealt with in the moment.

One trigger today was a picture of myself.  A thought came up that I am getting old, and so that triggered regret that I have not accomplished that which I would have liked to accomplish yet in this life - as transcending all points of self-dishonesty and standing Equal to all, here, in and as my physical body.

Another trigger further compounded the first, where I had a reaction to a perspective and judged myself as 'not being honest enough with myself yet.  This then triggered discouragement which triggered frustration, which triggered tiredness, which triggered neglect. 

Within these triggered points there also opened up other points.  I am still not living up to my expectations, and or the projected image of myself. I am desiring to be perfect in my process, yet this desire is a deception, because I am using it as a crutch, as a graven image which gives me a good feeling about myself, which I use to encourage myself - in polarity - in which case I inevitably fall into the opposite polarity of discouragement.

So it is time to drop the image so I can sort out what is here, step by step, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an image of myself in my mind into the future based on my past so that I may manipulate myself into giving myself a good feeling and in so attempt to encourage myself within the polarity game of encouragement/discouragement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and compare myself to the image I have constructed of myself within my mind as an idea, where I actually deny what is here and use this future projection as a point and means to blame others as 'not being as good as me', and in so compromise my self-honesty and create further consequences for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the image of myself I have created in my mind in fear of what others will think of me.  This also in fear of consequences that will play out instead of me being here and facing myself within writing so that I can trap and see the points in written format without them fleeing away in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the best case/worst case scenario in my mind and so react to those mind scenarios which create further cycles and time-loops within my process of self-realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to write out points for myself as soon as I am able, so that I may see how I am hiding from myself, and so creating more cycles within which I am not being honest with myself and dealing with what is here as me, in and as the physical, moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be liked or be seen as special where I have created ideas and images of myself in my mind so that I may have good feelings about myself without investigating and understanding what the outflow effect of these ideas and images will be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be a hero in my mind where I am thinking I can, and trying to do everything by myself and so putting myself through unnecessary stress and anxiety. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself for what points that I must face within my day and week in a structured and disciplined manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the first option that comes to mind - as opposed to having patience to explore what other opportunities are available - without unnecessarily aversion to making a decision.

I commit myself to structuring, organizing and prioritizing my days and weeks so that I may prepare myself for the points that I know I have to face within my daily participation, and so be ready to address them and deal with them appropriately in the moment.

I commit myself to physical walking of my process within breath, so that I am constantly dealing with what is here in and as my physical process.

I commit myself to face points that come up as soon as I am able so that I can deal with them before more points are triggered, and so i can stop the cycle before it starts.

I commit myself keeping my process simple through effective writing and establishing myself within and as self-trust. 



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7yr Journey to Life Day 52 - Excluded

 I was just out for a bike ride and stopped by a baseball diamond, where there were people playing softball.   I wanted to play, but I did not ask anyone because I did not want to 'impose' on everyone and disrupt the game, or the score.  Everyone saw me sitting there watching, yet neither did anyone ask me to play.  It's so easy to just say 'ah whatever' and forget about it - as humans always do.  Yet here is a small, yet clear example highlighting the collective negligence and spitefulness in our world.  I realize I did not take responsibility to express myself, yet that is not the point I care to share here.  The point is what is the source of the COLLECTIVE failure?

Why is our reality so Exclusive? - to the extent that we disregard ourselves and others, and in so allow suppression/exclusion to exist?  Clearly we all share this experience in our world, and ALL are able to participate, so why are we not ALL-Inclusive?  The answer is simply, because our reality is a FEAR based SYSTEM - pre-programmed through KNOWLEDGE, with the resulting consequence of self-denial.

Welcome to the wonderful world of 'fuck you buddy!'... lets everyone just PRETEND we are not fully aware, and that life does not care.  Humans are Artisans of pretentiousness.  We physically see eachother and the exclusivity, yet not only do we blatantly deny it, we then go on to actually DEFEND it!!...  As if we are actually afraid of losing our pretend - and sickening - reality!!  To take it even further what really amazes me is that people actually think they can get away with it... As if life would never call us to account.  People actually live by the core morality of "No one else is admitting it, I don't have to either!" Complete bullshit, and irresponsibility to life.

This example is merely a fractal of the greater picture, where exclusivity is taken to the extreme, causing massive abuse and torment beyond comprehension.  

Within the realization of Equality - as what is best for all - full payment for our shockingly outstanding and overdue debt to Life is suddenly upon us.  And to those that outright deny Equality, even when directly presented with its cold, hard truth - will find themselves excluded through their own devices, as they deny themselves life, because Equality is the only road to Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a pretentious reality where exclusivity is accepted and allowed as the norm wherein we humans do not seek to solve the problem, but bury it within suppression and self-denial.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that Life will not call me to account for my self dishonesty in how I have denied myself and others within living a lie of exclusivity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a system which is based in fear as knowledge and information where fear is permitted to exist within the false belief that this is just the way it is and nothing can be done about it.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend that this 'fuck you buddy' reality is acceptable in any way, and use that justification to live in self-interest rather than change myself for the good of all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to defend a sickening world system because I fear losing my pretentiousness and changing myself into a being that honors life - as opposed to self denial where extreme consequence takes place through me making false excuses and justifications.

I commit myself to change myself to align myself with that which is best for all so that I can change my world and reality through being self honest with myself first.

I commit myself to face the actual physical reality and stop the ego/mind reality so that all can be physically manifested and exposed so that no point goes without notice

I commit myself to create a world that is all inclusive and nothing is excluded in false mind beliefs and fears.