Day 88 - Self Reflection

The feelings of frustration and regret hit me this evening as I reflected on how I managed to arrive where I am now.  "Why didn't I do this... "   "Why didn't I do that... " as I hopelessly wished for a time machine to take me back 25 years so I could correct myself.   Then comes the guilt and blame "Why didn't anyone help me understand..."  Why did people lie to me..."   The demon wants to go back and Rage.  Futile.  I accepted a lie within myself... We all did.

So I am here with no other option but to face the consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and that daily medicine is somewhat painful to swallow.

I had so much potential and opportunity.  I could have done anything.  But there was this 'thing' within me which I did not understand.  So I allowed myself to play the fool, and the victim, and a host of other characters without ever realizing the critical piece I was missing. 

Self-acceptance. 

Finally, I understand... yet much of my life has been spent in the searching. 

I thought I understood myself.  I understood in my own way, from 'my limited perspective'.  All I could see was Lies, Lies, Lies, Lies everywhere, as my inner battle with the Balrog raged inside me as Self-denial, I feared losing myself as Anger and the Bitterness of Blame pulverized and consumed me from the inside.   

Some thought I was a stupid and a fool, and I understood that, yet I did not understand how to solve that problem for myself.  I just assumed that was "just the way it was", I figured I had to be that way, and I would figure myself out eventually. No way could I confide in anyone or share what I Really felt, the feelings were all too strange and awkward, suppressed deep within myself.  And I didn't trust anyone anyway.  

I could not grasp a purpose for myself, or a place.  My father told me "I had no direction"... to which I had no answer.  Which way do you choose when everything is fucked and you have no starting point?  I felt like flotsam, moved only by the waves of the ocean.

Why do we not realize such things until it is too late to change?  Why do we live our lives in reverse?
Why is life so unforgiving?  Is Life stupid, and a fool?  I often thought old people must know what the hell is going on.  Why weren't they telling and sharing with everyone?  Why are they hiding all their understanding and keeping it a secret?

I sit here and think how easy it could have been, if only I had understood Self-acceptance. If only there was some honesty and accountability in life.  Some actual Life-support. 

Thinking is Futile and will not change the past. I am here now, and being aware of all the deception I am determined to expose it, so others can see for themselves while they have an opportunity to change themselves and this world of Lies.   We must accept ourselves as who we are, but that can only be real if we realize who we really are as Equal, and that the only way out of this huge mess is self-honesty and self-forgiveness, lots of self-forgiveness.  Because Life is not just for taking, or hiding, or about denying oneself.  Life is for Giving in self-honesty.  If Life is given, but not in self-honesty, then it is not truly given.  It's finally time to stop living the lie.

Williams 7yr Journey to Life - Day 56 - Time Traveling

Within my process I've become acutely aware of the ups and downs.  One day there is a feeling of up, the next its down, with even shorter intervals at times.  The most seemingly benign things can trigger ups and downs.  Something someone says, or I see a picture or something else will prompt a thought to come up, and I will reflect on it from a future perspective - as a projection, in comparing myself to someone or something - and I then create an idea of the 'best case scenario', or the 'worst case scenario'.

Thus jumping from one time dimension to another, in fear of 'what may or may not happen' in the future - all based on my past programmed thoughts and ideas.

What I really need to do is write things out immediately when they come up, that way I can trap my feelings in one dimension - here - so that I can see it and deconstruct it without the thought and feeling 'fleeing' away, only to come back at another time if it is not dealt with in the moment.

One trigger today was a picture of myself.  A thought came up that I am getting old, and so that triggered regret that I have not accomplished that which I would have liked to accomplish yet in this life - as transcending all points of self-dishonesty and standing Equal to all, here, in and as my physical body.

Another trigger further compounded the first, where I had a reaction to a perspective and judged myself as 'not being honest enough with myself yet.  This then triggered discouragement which triggered frustration, which triggered tiredness, which triggered neglect. 

Within these triggered points there also opened up other points.  I am still not living up to my expectations, and or the projected image of myself. I am desiring to be perfect in my process, yet this desire is a deception, because I am using it as a crutch, as a graven image which gives me a good feeling about myself, which I use to encourage myself - in polarity - in which case I inevitably fall into the opposite polarity of discouragement.

So it is time to drop the image so I can sort out what is here, step by step, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an image of myself in my mind into the future based on my past so that I may manipulate myself into giving myself a good feeling and in so attempt to encourage myself within the polarity game of encouragement/discouragement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and compare myself to the image I have constructed of myself within my mind as an idea, where I actually deny what is here and use this future projection as a point and means to blame others as 'not being as good as me', and in so compromise my self-honesty and create further consequences for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the image of myself I have created in my mind in fear of what others will think of me.  This also in fear of consequences that will play out instead of me being here and facing myself within writing so that I can trap and see the points in written format without them fleeing away in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the best case/worst case scenario in my mind and so react to those mind scenarios which create further cycles and time-loops within my process of self-realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to write out points for myself as soon as I am able, so that I may see how I am hiding from myself, and so creating more cycles within which I am not being honest with myself and dealing with what is here as me, in and as the physical, moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be liked or be seen as special where I have created ideas and images of myself in my mind so that I may have good feelings about myself without investigating and understanding what the outflow effect of these ideas and images will be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be a hero in my mind where I am thinking I can, and trying to do everything by myself and so putting myself through unnecessary stress and anxiety. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself for what points that I must face within my day and week in a structured and disciplined manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the first option that comes to mind - as opposed to having patience to explore what other opportunities are available - without unnecessarily aversion to making a decision.

I commit myself to structuring, organizing and prioritizing my days and weeks so that I may prepare myself for the points that I know I have to face within my daily participation, and so be ready to address them and deal with them appropriately in the moment.

I commit myself to physical walking of my process within breath, so that I am constantly dealing with what is here in and as my physical process.

I commit myself to face points that come up as soon as I am able so that I can deal with them before more points are triggered, and so i can stop the cycle before it starts.

I commit myself keeping my process simple through effective writing and establishing myself within and as self-trust. 



-

7yr Journey to Life - Day 51 - Words Change Time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard my self-forgiveness statements as not standing Equal to and One with my words, where I have written out words of self-forgiveness, and yet not followed through with the full corrective application in changing myself to align myself with my words as what is best for all life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat my words as less than me - through not living true to my words as who I am in each moment - as directing myself as the physical in standing for life, without compromise, or going into my mind of thoughts as desires for experiences of the past where experiences 'felt good'.  I realize this desire to go back into the past is in separation of myself here, and what is necessary to be done for me to stand as life in self-responsibility to all in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I must discipline myself - because my programmed mind and the information stored within my physical body will still want to take the easiest road as following the path of cycles of the past so I can operate on autopilot as being dragged through life by my mind of energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my responsibilities to myself and my group where I have not given my best in each and every moment, through allowing myself to be subject to discouragement - as fear of not having any encouragement in the polarity system as needing an external stimulus in order to conduct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being here and directing my movements, my breath and my words as me, constantly making excuses in my mind because my mind wants control of me because my mind fears its own death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use my time as effectively as possible.  I realize at times when my mind takes over - as autopilot - I have accepted it and allowed it to continue unchecked, assuming that everything is fine, yet if this happens, it is evidence that I am not fully directing myself in every moment and I am allowing myself to be mind controlled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project ideas of my financial situation into the future and so allow my mind to use that as a tool against me to sabotage me into believing that my situation is much worse than it is. I realize that if I move myself here in each moment as doing what is best for all, then I will be able to support myself as always doing what is necessary to be done in any given situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a reaction to my minds future projection of the possibilities of what could happen, and in so allow it to impose feelings of discouragement on me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change, in any construct that I have created.  ALL mind/personality manifestations can be stopped with the tools of self-forgiveness, breathing, and corrective application.   I realize I do not have to fear stopping patterns, or fear letting go of patterns because I am still here in each moment and I am doing what is best for me as best for all. And best of all I am birthing myself as life by walking myself to nothingness to undo all of the spitefulness that I have accepted and allowed within my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the reactions of others if I talk slowly, and or directly, with care for my words, correcting myself if necessary and speaking self forgiveness.  I realize that me fearing what others will think of me creates anger and indignation within me through suppression of self and conformity to a system of false beliefs.

I commit myself to stand equal to my words, to slow myself down and stand boldly in the face of fear so I can express myself without concern for what others think.  In so, I am allowing myself to express myself as true to myself, as standing Equal to my words so that I can by example, change my world and reality.

I commit myself to integrate all that is not physical within me, all that is not Equal and One with my physical body.  I will do this through deconstructing the mind and thoughts, feelings, emotions and DESIRES and transmuting them into physicality, as what is tangible, able to be seen by all, and thus trustworthy

I commit myself to self-realization in each moment, despite what fears may come up, I deal with them without judgment upon myself, I stand for life no matter what events or experiences occur.

I commit myself to use my time effectively in moving myself and directing each movement so all aligns with the principle of what is best for all - so there need be no feelings of guilt or remorse, as everything I do supports life as best as I am able.

Day 15 - Each Moment is New

The Past is Passed - Dead - as no longer existing within the physical reality, but only in our minds as pictures (non physical).  There is only the consequences of the past here, and what we choose to create ourselves as in the future.  If all of humanity simply let go of the past - as knowledge and pre conceived ideas - and lived what is best for all, we could end all enslavement completely.  Self forgiveness is the antidote and Self realization is the cure to the evil or re-cycling the past.

Each moment is new.  New moment... New moment... New moment.   Unlike Christianity, where one is only 'born (rather dead) again' once.  In Equality as Self realization one is able to rebirth oneself in each moment as changing and becoming the living expression of what is best for all. Self realization is to see that we are equal as the physical, yet we only torture ourselves because we fear taking responsibility to face ourselves as who we are and allowed ourselves to become.

Each moment carries with it opportunity to transcend our enslavement to systems/cycles of the past.   And if we choose what is best for all in each moment, we resonate that decision to others and in so assist all humanity and existence, no mater how small or seemingly insignificant the decision. 

For example, today I was very tired and had a headache.  As I was working, thoughts and feelings of frustration came up within me, so I applied self-forgiveness to stop myself from creating them.  I could feel frustration as energy within my physical body, yet I did not yield to it, as to allow it to influence and control me.  If I had done so, I would have resonated that to the customer, and so he too would have resonated a similar emotion in reaction to my frustration.  Additionally, I could have possibly lost work with him in the future as well as the job with the neighbor across the street. 

It is to consider all existence in all of our decision making, because all life is here.  Just because we do not see it with our physical eyes, does not mean that it does not exist.  It is as if we have laid a trap for ourselves, and when we do not consider everything as ourselves, we have fallen into our own trap through only considering what we see with our eyes. 

If everyone considered all life in every decision, all decisions would be made in the best interest of all as opposed to self-interest, fear and greed. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fall for my own trap in believing that I am only responsible for making decisions that support myself as opposed to decisions that support all life.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself in thinking that my decisions only affect myself and not others as well. In so, I realize that each decision matters in how I accept and allow myself to exist as someone who supports all life, or someone who only supports fear of facing who I am as the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to take sides as polarized ideas of winning/losing in attempting to gain power over others so I can soothe my fears rather than get to the root of the issue and stop fears and delusions entirely. 

I de-side to stand for all life, in no longer taking sides and giving my fear and self-interest the 'choice' to make decisions, but I always choose what is best for all life in every way so that I no longer have a choice. 

I choose Life.  

The above pictures are the vegetables I am growing this year.  Zucchini, radish, onion, spinach, beans and tomato.