Day 194 - My Competitive Football Story

When I was younger, as all young people, I had little understanding of myself and/or how world works.  I signed up to play football when I was 12, and being slightly larger than most kids my age, I was placed in a league with 15 and 16 year old kids.  American football is a rough contact sport, which I was eager to try as it seemed like a cool identity I could assume to get some attention for myself at the time.

During my first season, I didn't understand the mechanics of the game and was somewhat intimidated by players barreling at me head down full steam.  I recall one specific play, I just stepped out of the way and let the guy have the touchdown lol.  I didn't know how to tackle properly.  We lost all but one game that season.

The next year I played I broke my elbow in the second game, and was out for the season.  The year after that was when I finally learned how to hit 'correctly'.  My coach saw I was trying to grab players to the ground and said "hit this bag" - so I hit the bag straight on and he said "Why don't you hit players like that?".  I knew it was because I was afraid of injuring my neck.  He said "Come-on! You have a helmet and shoulder pads - hit him!" So I lined up opposite the runner and hit him straight on.  It felt good to overcome a fear and learn a new technique - but what I did not realize, is that I was still being controlled by fear - as the fear of being honest with myself.  This provoked an inner rage, which manifested as vengeful, outward, physical aggression.

I began to really hit players as hard as I could, straight on, constantly seeking to get high on the feeling of unleashing my inner demon, vainly trying to prove to people how 'fearless', 'strong', and 'powerful' I was in the desire to be revered as 'crazy'.  I was caught up in an exhilarating battle.  I see now how obvious it is, that I was doing this in an effort to hide myself, cover up who I was, and make amends for the frustration I felt inside myself because I had allowed myself to devalue myself so extensively.  So rather than address the issue, I sought out and created the heroic fearless character in my mind, neglecting myself, and neglecting to realize that this was clearly dishonest, and not the solution to myself.

Throughout the season I was constantly seeking that 'high', to hit a player as hard as I could to try and get the reputation - trying to become a legend in someone's mind.  I regarded other players as simply 'the enemy', and I really had no consideration for them whatsoever, no rule existed in my mind to prevent me from my secret ego's revenge.  I only cared about getting my high - primarily because I was so angry with myself and the world... this seemed like the perfect outlet, the scapegoat, to express my inner rage and animosity.  I did not dare to express it in words, in fear of being seen or defined as 'weak' or 'stupid'.

I hit a few players quite hard that year, and the year after.  I would see 'stars' and gouge my helmet and then rave to people about how great it was.  Little did I consider the physical consequence.  One night in practice I got lined up against another heavy hitting player, everyone was edging and cheering us on as from a full sprint, we collided head on.  Both of us blacked out for a few seconds, and then looked at each other in a slight daze.  I recall the sharp pain in my neck, and the great fear that came over me of what I had just done to myself, but I quickly covered it up with the tough guy lie "wow that was awesome!"  Inside I knew I was 'fortunate', and I was very relieved to realize that I did not seriously injure my neck, as the impact was significant to both of us, and we both had sore necks for about a week afterwards.

A couple years later, I heard a story on the news of how a player ran into a wall head on in frustration after losing a game and broke his neck, paralyzed for life.  The fear and relief swept over me again.

Competitive sports serve nothing but the ego, the vain glory of seeking the 'identity' high and hiding ourselves from the real issues going on inside.  This shows the direct correlation and connection - from the mind to physical consequence - of me trying to achieve a reputation and an energetic high, and how the combination of neglecting to take responsibility to face myself in self-forgiveness and correct myself, and being controlled by fear, very nearly broke my neck.

What consequences are we creating for ourselves in this world through neglecting to address our mind/ego?  The physical reality shows, but sadly much more is on the way, and will continue until we all stop and face it.

Take the free course offered by Desteni if you dare get real, and face your ego.

      

162 - Parental Cloning - Part 3

Throughout my years of being cloned - and cloning myself - I developed an affinity towards a particular pattern.  Although it was clearly spiteful and self-destructive in hind-sight, it is quite fascinating to now realize how I am able to use this pattern of 'giving-up' or 'self-rejection' to easily spot behavior patterns of the past which I directly need to face.  This provides keys to working my way out of my shell, or removing the bricks in the wall I constructed for myself.    

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a reaction of 'giving up' and or 'sulking' - withdrawing my participation in an attempt to sabotage myself and so make everyone feel bad, through the belief that the problem is impossible, or there is no solution but self-defeat.  I realize that I must take responsibility to stop my thoughts of self-judgment, and the corresponding emotional reactions of blame and self-pity, so that I can stand as the solution to myself and all, in bringing about a world that is Best for All in Equality.  

I also realize within this, that I must not judge or blame myself for not being able to do everything all by myself, and that I will always be more effective with the help of others.  I also realize that others may be more inclined or adept at certain tasks than I am, and in so it is not to be offended by the skills of another, but to find what skills I have to offer, as everyone has an equal and essential part to play as the whole of existence learns how to cooperate and use what is here. 

When and as I see myself going into a state of 'withdrawal', 'giving-up' or 'emotional reactions of blame or judgment' - I stop and clear my starting point to here within breath.  I recognize the pattern and change myself within the realization that I must take responsibility to direct myself in living and doing what is best for all in each moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to differ blame onto my parents - for labeling and defining me as 'sulking', or 'suck-hole' or 'having a fit' or 'temper tantrum' in which I had the reaction of extreme inner anger at being teased, defined, belittled, and diminished - thus preventing me from actually seeing and realizing the point I actually needed to face, of what I was allowing in withdrawing myself from situations – was not helping myself or anyone, only compromising myself in anger, blame, resentment, and selfishness because things did not turn out the way I expected them to, I felt less than, and I did not understand myself as Equal to All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to words that my parents used – seeing the words as threatening, while it was my own self-judgment that allowed me to compromise myself through me resisting change and wanting to blame others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the coping mechanism of withdrawing myself - as a way of me trying to manipulate my reality, rather than actually expressing how I feel about a situation - such as me feeling left out, and so searching for, and working towards a solution where everyone and all are included.

Resistance is my assistance to dissolve the limitations of my existence.

I commit myself to investigate all confrontations where I experience a resistance or reaction within me to words someone is using to define me, and within that to clear all reactions within myself - so that I can observe myself from a non-judgmental and non-reactive state, to see if there are any points of self-dishonesty within myself that need to be addressed and aligned to change myself to living what is best for all.

I commit myself to within breath awareness, push myself to face all points of denial, judgement, or fear of facing myself so that I can learn what it is to stand for Life and change myself to become Life. 

Day 131 – Self Denial - Part 2

Continuation from http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-130-self-denial.html

Self-Denial.  An extensive, all encompassing point to say the least, with so many contributing factors and points of dishonesty and self-deception making itself appear somewhat daunting.  I have seen this point before, to a certain extent, however thanks to time and the Fibonacci spiral, it has once again come to revisit me.   It appears intimidating at first, because I only see the ‘path of destruction’ and consequence.  So to start I will ask myself some questions, as an interview with myself.

Why do I Not Want to Face this Point of Self-Denial?
-Angry with myself and others for allowing Self-Denial to happen.
-Angry that I cannot correct the past. 
-Angry and disillusioned because I now fear that I don’t even know or trust myself. 
-Fear and uncertainty of not being able to find all the source points of Self-Denial and correct them  effectively. 
-Subconsciously, Fear that in being honest with myself as my honest expression, I will not have any value, despite my understanding of Equality.
-Fear of artificially, accidentally, and/or overbearingly imposing myself on others. 
-Fear that because of what I have allowed in the past, I will only make mistakes and mess things up. 
-Fear that I have nothing to contribute. 
-Fear that my contribution will be judged as inadequate.
-Fear within taking responsibility of a physically debilitating condition and having to be a burden on someone.

What are the Initial Points (First occurrences) of Self-Denial Within Myself?
My parents were separated when I was young, around 5 or 6 and I was placed in my fathers custody.  I didn’t see my mother for many years after that.  My father re-married (my stepmother) and to me she was the most shallow, evil person I could have imagined in my worst nightmare. 

Initially, I had an idea of what life would be like, so I had a very ‘excited’ and ‘joyful’ (sometimes cocky lol) expression, which quickly faded and turned to inner dismay and extreme anger.
My parents were constantly discontent, very angry, and judgmental.  Looking back now, I would definitely classify this as abusive. I tried to make myself feel better through images of killing them in my mind.  I developed a deep hatred for both of them.

There were many others whom I hated in my childhood, partly out of blame, yet the experiences I had were far from the ideas I had of what life would or should have been like.  Things just weren’t right at all.     
Through this hatred of my parents and others, I felt I could not trust anyone, and I saw that I had no support for the ‘real me’.  My father said to me one day ‘I had no direction’.  For direction, one must have a destination and a purpose, neither of which I could fathom. 

I had secretly chosen abstinence and rebellion as my direction, partly in the attempt to get revenge on the system, and all those whom I so desperately hated in my life, and partly due to religious programming given to me at an early age.  It was like a form of mental suicide, not considering the consequences or how things would play out.   So I began to just ‘go with the flow’, hoping for a better future.

There was another person in particular through which I developed an extreme dislike.  The father of a friend of mine I perceived as very egotistical, macho, bullying, and belittling type of person.  He attributed great value to rich people in the world, and could care less about the poor or less fortunate. He had all of the ‘how to get rich books’ on a shelf, I recall.  I resented that personality so much that I made it my life’s purpose ‘not to be rich’ or ‘successful’ in spite of him, and unwittingly, spiting myself.  

In high school, i clearly saw the falseness of the system, through which I developed the idea that I would rebel against it.  I hated the monotony and the idea of pigeon-holing myself into a career.  I romanticized the idea of ‘living for today’, and settling for whatever happened in my life… I would find a way to ‘just get by’. 

I was not motivated by fear, choosing rather to value friendships and relationships, not realizing how insincere they were.  I genuinely cared about ‘genuine’ people, yet little did I understand that without money, your options become extremely limited, and your perceived value and capacity to do anything is greatly diminished.

What are the Main Points/Reasons of Self-Denial?
Interestingly, I did not trust myself because of disturbing images that came into my head when I was young.  I did not understand or know the source of these images, and thought that they were ‘part of me’, so I became fearful of myself, that I would harm someone, thinking myself to have some kind of evil within me.  Little did I know of how the program works, and the actual truth that I am not these thoughts, but they are preprogramed, impulsed mind projections. 

Self-judgement - leading to Self-Blame - leading to Self-pity.  From that develops the positive energy experience in the mind as the hope in the form of an external belief as a future escape/redemption from self here.

What are the Patterns and Consequences of Self-Denial?
Uncertainty and lack of Self-Trust
Hiding self
False Personality, Identity, Characterization
Escapism and Externalized Beliefs
Going into a ‘Shell’
Inferiority
Fearing of Self Expression/Introversion
Giving Up Easily
Aversion and Procrastination
Poor Decision Making
Irresponsibility to Self and Others
Limitation and Pessimism
Ineffectiveness
Unrealized/Wasted Potential
Self pity
Self hate
Resentment
Regret
Diminishment and Death

Conclusion
It is no wonder I had so much anger, severe anxiety problems, and Self-Denial within me through the years.  You would think in our society there would have been someone who noticed or actually cared enough to assist me to see the starting point of these issues and resolve them, so I could understand myself.  This simple understanding could have resolved a world of problems for myself and others.  Yet that is the nature of our systems, false caring and self-centered disassociation.  Only now at the age of 41 do I understand how these things have affected my life in such a profound way.  Not to blame, as we all have participated in creating and allowing this.

This is the reason we face so much severe consequences in our world.  We pretend to be responsible, yet we are absolutely irresponsible to life.  We are not life.  We are merely selfish and inconsiderate robots pretending to be life with pathetic excuses as to why we can’t take responsibility to be real and honest. 
Self-Denial is the worst thing we can possibly do to ourselves.

Self-forgiveness to follow…

Day 88 - Self Reflection

The feelings of frustration and regret hit me this evening as I reflected on how I managed to arrive where I am now.  "Why didn't I do this... "   "Why didn't I do that... " as I hopelessly wished for a time machine to take me back 25 years so I could correct myself.   Then comes the guilt and blame "Why didn't anyone help me understand..."  Why did people lie to me..."   The demon wants to go back and Rage.  Futile.  I accepted a lie within myself... We all did.

So I am here with no other option but to face the consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and that daily medicine is somewhat painful to swallow.

I had so much potential and opportunity.  I could have done anything.  But there was this 'thing' within me which I did not understand.  So I allowed myself to play the fool, and the victim, and a host of other characters without ever realizing the critical piece I was missing. 

Self-acceptance. 

Finally, I understand... yet much of my life has been spent in the searching. 

I thought I understood myself.  I understood in my own way, from 'my limited perspective'.  All I could see was Lies, Lies, Lies, Lies everywhere, as my inner battle with the Balrog raged inside me as Self-denial, I feared losing myself as Anger and the Bitterness of Blame pulverized and consumed me from the inside.   

Some thought I was a stupid and a fool, and I understood that, yet I did not understand how to solve that problem for myself.  I just assumed that was "just the way it was", I figured I had to be that way, and I would figure myself out eventually. No way could I confide in anyone or share what I Really felt, the feelings were all too strange and awkward, suppressed deep within myself.  And I didn't trust anyone anyway.  

I could not grasp a purpose for myself, or a place.  My father told me "I had no direction"... to which I had no answer.  Which way do you choose when everything is fucked and you have no starting point?  I felt like flotsam, moved only by the waves of the ocean.

Why do we not realize such things until it is too late to change?  Why do we live our lives in reverse?
Why is life so unforgiving?  Is Life stupid, and a fool?  I often thought old people must know what the hell is going on.  Why weren't they telling and sharing with everyone?  Why are they hiding all their understanding and keeping it a secret?

I sit here and think how easy it could have been, if only I had understood Self-acceptance. If only there was some honesty and accountability in life.  Some actual Life-support. 

Thinking is Futile and will not change the past. I am here now, and being aware of all the deception I am determined to expose it, so others can see for themselves while they have an opportunity to change themselves and this world of Lies.   We must accept ourselves as who we are, but that can only be real if we realize who we really are as Equal, and that the only way out of this huge mess is self-honesty and self-forgiveness, lots of self-forgiveness.  Because Life is not just for taking, or hiding, or about denying oneself.  Life is for Giving in self-honesty.  If Life is given, but not in self-honesty, then it is not truly given.  It's finally time to stop living the lie.