Day 130 – Self Denial

 

 

Reaction/Feeling Dimension

Resentment. Like I haven't been myself, and I feel as if I am stuck within consequence of my own dishonesty with myself.  I am not stuck I realize, I am here, yet there is much consequence associated with this point. The emotional reaction I have has to be cleared. So I feel like I want to be angry with myself, but I realize I cannot, there is no escaping it when it is here as me.  So I want to go into resentment and feeling down as I feel I have no alternative, and I feel I need to express to myself my own disappointment with myself. What can I do with this feeling, if I get rid of it by grounding it, it will come up again. So what is the source of the issue, and how do I move from here. If I must express it, I do so through writing so I can see the point. So I am upset with myself, and others as blame for not helping me to see this issue.

Physical dimension

Looking at this point within myself this evening, I was so upset with myself, so distraught, so resentful, so angry, so hateful towards everyone and everything... I just had to lye down in my lazy chair so I could slowly dissect it to see the starting point. As I approached the point I felt heavy and tired, overwhelmed, almost sick.  Just wanting to take a walk and escape myself.  I thought I had cleared it but obviously not, because I had a reaction and the point still exists. Such a massive point, so many points attached to it... it drains me of energy. Much to write out here. I have literally embodied this point as myself for my whole life and I had hidden it within so many layers so as not to have to face it. Yikes. Its like finding this massive wound on my body that I had ignored for so long, allowing it to become infected, and eating away at me.  Everyone has done it to themselves to a certain extent.  I will continue writing about this in the posts to come, along with self-forgiveness and self-correction in great detail.