Day 129 – Where is Self-Will?

There must be some ‘Will’ within myself… as I continue to live on…? Sadly, I’m beginning to realize, that Self-Will has through time, been beaten into submission, through many years of Self-Compromise… many years of exchanging Self-Will, for hopes… dreams… and illusions.

Strange that I should even be asking myself this question.  WTH? Should it not have been apparent from the very start of my life – and never questioned?  How is it even possible… that I have lost track of, or was ‘unaware’ of Self-Will? 

It’s all quite clear to me now…   As I kicked, and screamed, and fought for what I thought was right...  desperately running after the mirages, trying to free myself, trying to escape from this whole indescribably miserable experience of myself.

The only answer I could see was to try and be happy, but I knew very well I was not, no matter how hard I tried to fool myself, the nightmare was always there… haunting me, in the back of my mind. My disguises were so clever I could even have made the devil himself jealous. I didn’t even recognize myself for the outward joyful appearance, trying to hide that awful thing inside, so as not to concern or upset anyone of course.

So Self-Will was left bruised and battered, lost in the confusion, trampled on, and left for dead.  Then, when I figured all hope was lost, I tried to recover Self-Will.  Surely god would have the answer… yes, I’ll go to church! 

I felt happy for a while, furnishing my mind with beautiful thoughts of heaven, and love in the hope they would someday come true for me, and I would pass the test, and be free.  But again, Self-Will I found, was compromised even further.  This wasn’t me at all, I was trying to be so ‘good’, trying so hard to be accepted by god and everyone else…

Then came Enlightenment, that made me happy, for a while. But that euphoria too wore off, and I was left feeling frustrated, useless and empty.  It felt like there was nothing left but the fantasies and fairy tales I held onto in my mind.  World of Warcraft and the Lord of the Rings seemed to be my last remaining flicker of hope, and they seemed to pacify all the inexplicable thoughts and suppressed emotions. 

Eventually I was introduced to a new perspective, which caused me to question my deepest beliefs, and my fears, about who I was.  It was at that point that I actually began to question myself, and face myself.  It was Equality – “of course!” I said to myself as I wiped my face with my hands in an attempt to wash away all the deceptions I had allowed myself to fall for. 

The realizations I began having were astoundingly undeniable. They were ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in a way.  Good because this was something that I desperately wanted to experience and live for myself.  So I decided to follow it, despite what god or anyone else thought about the idea.  It was finally time I made a decision for myself, for the first time in my life it seemed.

The ‘bad’ part of the realization was where I began to understand who I was, and my place in the universe… and what I had done to myself… how I had been my own Judas, selling myself out for a few pieces of silver-lined dreams that I hoped would make it all better, or at least help me forget this ever present, living-nightmare.

I have ultimately come to realize, here with Self-Will now withered and on life support, dying of exhaustion and neglect.  Fuck it.  There is no use… just pull the plug and let this thing die…

It was never real.
I was never real with myself. 
All I have ever known was how to compromise myself, being stimulated by thoughts… lust, anger, self-righteous judgements, and fear. 
I was never honest with Self-Will.
I was a fake Will.
I abused Self-Will
So its time to say goodbye,
To Self Will…
That old Self-Will must die,
….----………----…………----………….----…..----…..---….----……………………..……………………………….----…………………………….……………………………………………………………………………………………               ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

So that a new Self-Will can be Born
Free from Self-Compromise
And in Absolute Equality and Oneness

Becoming Life for the first time in the History of the Universe.  Hmmm…  Is it just me?  Or is anyone else extremely curious to find out what it would be like to actually LIVE for real???