Sunday, 30 December 2012

Day 141 - Self Denial Dimensions

Self Denial
Continuation from previous posts…
Typically prominent when I am confronted and/or speaking with another person, yet also occurring when I am alone. Example memory - I recall when I was young, a situation where person x getting very aggressive with me.
Being in daycare at the time, it was winter and I had a full face mask to protect from the cold. Perhaps out of nervousness of attending daycare (I cannot recall), I chewed on the mouthpiece of the mask. Person z was asked to wear the mask by Person x, and did not want to wear it because he thought it was gross (it was all mangled up). Person x asked me why I chewed on the mouthpiece, and I replied “because it was juicy…” (lol). Person x immediately went into a rage, grabbed me by my jacket and threw me into the front seat of the car from the back. Person x began cursing and yelling at me “Why the @#$% did you do that!?”. Being in fear, I did not know what else to reply or what Person x wanted me to reply, so I kept repeating I don't know.
There were many similar occurrences in which I allowed myself to go into self-denial/suppression. In so I developed the personality character of Self-denial, preferring not to speak or express myself due to fear of others being disappointed with me or reacting in rage/anger that would potentially cause an uncomfortable or stressful situation which I sought to avoid.
Thoughts - Justifications and excuses
“I don't want to cause a conflict here”
“I don't want to hurt anyone”
“I will talk about/deal with that later”.
“I would rather not deal with that right now”
“I don't want to deal with that right now”
“I don't want to waste my energy on describing this whole thing”
“I don't want to impose my beliefs on x”
“I don't want to offend x”
“I deserve what I'm getting, and so I have to deal with the consequences”
“They will not understand”
“They don't/won't get it”
“Situation x will fail”
“What if situation x happens” – playing out worst case scenarios
“What if desire x does not happen”
“I don't want to expose myself”
“I don't want person x to hate me”
“I don't want person x to think I'm using them”
“I don't want person x to be upset”
“I don't want to be a bully”
“I want to give others the opportunity to be responsible for themselves”
“I don't know the answer”
“I don't want to go there”
“What if I realize that I am at fault/guilty of x”
“Its easier if I just play along”
“I can't wait to be alone/free of person x”
"I'm not self-righteous"
Resistance/Reluctance to direct myself. Frustration. Awkwardness. Sadness as self-pity where I create a positive energy experience of myself – to compensate for the negative experience I had of self-denial) within the point that I can blame someone else, and then enjoy going into my 'happy place' in my mind, where I can create all kinds of fantasies of imagining the other person suffering, and myself playing out and enjoying all of the things (expressions and dreams) that I feel I have been denied in my life by others - through blame.
Through taking directive principle in a conversation this evening, I realize that it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part, whereas before I could just relax and let my mind do all the work for me, only speaking to appease the other, or facilitate the conversation when I wanted to get an energetic high. Also noticing physical resistance as tiredness, and wanting to slouch back in my chair. Scratching/Rubbing my head (for luck hhh).
Belief that I cannot change the situation. Belief that I am stuck in this situation. Belief that I've done everything I can do. Belief that there are no consequences because I do not see them here now.
Desire for personal experience in self-interest, and so fear losing personal experience. Desire to fantasize what it would be like if situation x happened in real life, how I would express myself – yet only creating it in imagination dimension.
Fear someone will be disappointed or 'put out' if I express myself. Valuing others as being of more value than myself, as playing out the inferior/submissive personality character based on the perception that to be inferior is to be humble. Based in the starting point of me allowing others to take responsibility for themselves, not realizing that I was avoiding taking responsibility for myself, not understanding myself as an Equal participant or how I had been suppressing myself.
Fear someone will criticize me, and cause me to go into a reaction of anger and consequently self-punishment, which I also feared, as I have seen the destructive consequences of my anger. Fear others will use my expression as leverage to gain advantage over me and/or make fun of me within the context of fear of not being liked and/or accepted by others. Not accepting myself for who I am. Fear of having to put out all kinds of effort, but believing that nothing will come of it as everything has failed in the past.
Finding myself in situations I despise and desperately do not wish to be in. Being in situations where I am forced to do something regardless of whether or not I wish to do it or not. This has the resulting consequence of me going into stress, frustration, and anger with more spin-off consequences of those patterns/systems of enslavement.
Move and direct myself to take directive principle
Self Forgiveness and Correction to follow in next post…

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