Day 184 - Self-Created Desperation

This morning I woke up and there was strong energies running through my body, it felt like a form of positively charged excitement.  I had worked strenuously the previous day and there was some slightly 'positive' potential opportunities that opened up. I could not sit and focus myself, so I lay down in bed to ground them and ended up falling asleep.    

I am often inundated with strong, energetically charged feelings early in the morning, either positive or negative.  I attribute this to the fact that I see so many possibilities as ideas in my mind, and through this I create within myself desires to experience and express myself, or alternatively, if I feel that my situation is preventing me from expanding myself, I experience strong negative energetic resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to write out the issue for myself and so allow a cycle to pass without pushing the resistance, and so have to face it again in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by positive/negative/neutral energies which have been programmed into myself through the mind as desires and fears of facing and directing myself.

I commit myself to, when and as I see energetic feelings within myself controlling me, to stop and breathe and write out exactly what it is I am experiencing within myself so that I can sort out what is the starting point and apply self-forgiveness on the problem so that I may stop it at its source and no longer allow myself to be controlled by the thoughts/feelings/emotions.

When I went to see a tarot card reader a number of years ago, she confirmed that I was heavily influenced by emotions, which I admit I have been throughout my life.  Through my extensive self-suppression and denial (as well as fear of losing moments in time), I created a strong desire within myself to experience every moment to its utmost capacity.  Each time I was rejected or put down, I took it personally and hard, suppressing the feeling deep within myself until eventually, at some point I would explode in anger.  Never realizing and being reluctant to face myself and what I was creating myself as - which was a form of desperation - Justified by the 'good' character I created in my mind.

Desperately grasping at fleeting moments and memories, trying to squeeze out as much joy as possible
Desperately believing in a magical place I could one day escape to, and everything would be real, fun, and full of joy.
Desperately clinging to hopes of a happy ending.
Desperately hiding and avoiding who I was in my own fear of myself.
Desperately wishing people would like me.
Desperately blaming and hating the world in attempt to justify my own self-denial.
Desperately wanting someone to understand me.
Desperately angry with myself and punishing myself to justify my good, humble character  


So the starting point of all this desperation is fear of myself and not taking responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live out of desperation in fear of myself, neglecting to face the starting point of why I was so desperately angry with myself, which was because I accepted and allowed many self-judgments, believing them to be 'who I was' as less than and not 'wise' or 'intelligent' enough to understand how reality functions.   In that I also never considered specifically forgiving myself and correcting myself to that I could let go of all the anger and desperation and express myself without fear.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grasp at fleeting moments and memories in attempt to squeeze out as much joy as possible without realizing that grasping at the illusion in ignorance and fear is not the answer to myself, I must realize, accept, forgive the past, and face of who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in a magical place somewhere which I can one day escape to, where everything will be real, fun, and full of joy.  I realize here is the only place I can exist, and there is no-where else, but here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for a happy ending.  I realize that hope is a useless idea without practical application in doing what is necessary to be done.  Therefore here is where I must create myself and my world as the best it can be for everyone, not just myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid who I am as a physical being, Equal to all that exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish people would like me in a mind-diversion and attempt to escape the responsibility of accepting and embracing myself through self-realization, self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame and hate the world as a diversion of my own self-denial.  I realize my responsibility is to first correct myself so that I may be effective in changing myself and my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for someone to understand me when it is my responsibility to make the effort to understand myself, as no one will do it for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself and punish myself.  I realize that these are not solutions to my problems, and only further suppress the problem and make things worse.  Self-forgiveness and self-correction are the only way to solve myself and assist myself to stand Equal to what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and therefore change myself to become self-honest and live what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have people on 'my side' as if to make an excuse within myself as to why I cannot move myself by myself.  Within this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be seen as 'better than' others, as someone who is knowledgeable, wise, intelligent, honest, true, smart, funny or someone who knows the answers to everything.  I realize that thoughts such as these create a polarized reaction through thoughts/feelings and emotions and only serve to subvert the process of realization that we are all realizing and becoming Equal and so each of us have a responsibility and an Equally valid part to contribute.

Self help and support available at Eqafe.com

Day 142–Self Forgiveness on Self Denial–Dimensions

This post is a continuation from the previous day …
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-141-self-denial-dimensions.html

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to controlled by fear of others whom are threatening me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to avoid uncomfortable and/or stressful situations.  I realize that these situations must be faced and sorted out through doing what is practical common sense as what is necessary to be done, not out of anger or emotion, but from the starting point of here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to cause a conflict here” – I realize this as well as all the backchat below is/are a false justifications designed by myself so that I have an excuse as to not be direct with myself and others in doing what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “don't want to hurt anyone”. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I will talk about/deal with that later”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I would rather not deal with that right now”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to deal with that right now”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to waste my energy on describing this whole thing”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to impose my beliefs on x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to offend x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I deserve what I'm getting, and so I have to deal with the consequences.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “They will not understand/They don't/won't get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “Situation x will fail”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “What if situation x happens” – playing out worst case scenarios

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “What if desire x does not happen”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to expose myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want person x to hate me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want person x to think I'm using them”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want person x to be upset”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to be a bully”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I want to give others the opportunity to be responsible for themselves”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't know the answer”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to go there”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “What if I realize that I am at fault/guilty of x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “Its easier if I just play along”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I can't wait to be alone/free of person x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I'm not self-righteous"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push through the resistance to be direct with myself and others within having integrity to say what is necessary to be said in the moment, without fear of repercussions or what others might think, or how they may or may not react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with myself because I did not say what was necessary to be said in the moment, choosing rather to submit myself to fear of loss,  or fear of reactions from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when confronted with others due to me fearing the awkward moment as fear of myself, fear that I am not going to be able to say what must be said, and fear of being uncomfortable in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself because of the negative energy connotation I have given to the experience of myself, and in so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the positive energy experience of myself through fantasizing within my mind about things that would make me happy rather than take responsibility to express myself and be here in the physical rather than imaginary realms of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what has transpired in my life, and so desire to see them suffer in my mind.  I realize that this is self dishonesty as me not taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get an energetic high within conversing with others.  I realize that this desire is based on a personality system I have created where I have sought to avoid myself as who I am here in as a physical being, as an Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to appease others in order to avoid facing myself directly with integrity to say what is necessary to be said regardless of what the other will think of me afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by my mind within the reaction of tiredness, as this is the mind telling me that I am tired in order to try and avoid myself here, when I am not actually tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to slouch back or scratch my head when I am speaking with someone as a form of resistance to being here as breath in self-honesty and directly saying what is necessary to be said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot change the situation, when that is not the actuality whatsoever as I am here constantly changing and able to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am stuck in a situation, when that is not the case and only exists as my minds idea to keep me enslaved to self-pity and feeling down on myself .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have done everything I can do, when as long as there is inequality, there is work to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are no consequences for my actions because I do not see them immediately.  I realize that there is always consequence despite my ability to actually see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing personal experiences of myself in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fantasize to myself in my mind what it would be like if situation x happened in the physical.   I realize that this is an energetic experience of myself and therefore not real, but spiting myself from the physical and diminishing myself through dishonestly trying to exist in two worlds at once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will be disappointed with me or put out if I express myself in self-honesty, in so valuing others as being of ‘more value’ than myself, not seeing myself as an equal participant in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the inferior/superior polarity as well as the dominant/submissive characters based on the perception that to stand inferior is to be humble, as well as the perception that to be dominant is to be successful.  I realize this is abusive to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will criticize me and consequently going into anger and self-punishment and self-denial.   I realize that these fears are self created self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will use my expression as leverage to gain advantage over me.  I realize that I am responsible for myself and that if I project fears, then they will materialize as a reflection of what I accept and allow in my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself here as who I am as a physical being.  In so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others or of less value or of more value in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure as within the belief that I will have to put great effort into working with myself and others within the fear of wasting my time within the fear of failure.  I realize that failure is necessary for me to understand that things will only work when everyone works together for the common good of all – and that is the only solution.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself and direct myself and trust myself within the understanding of living what is best for all is the only way to live.

Self Support available at Eqafe.com

Day 141 - Self Denial Dimensions

 
Continuation from previous posts…
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-130-self-denial.html
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-131-self-denial-part-2.html
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-132-self-denial-part-3.html
 
Triggers/Memories
Typically prominent when I am confronted and/or speaking with another person, yet also occurring when I am alone. Example memory - I recall when I was young, a situation where person x getting very aggressive with me.
 
Being in daycare at the time, it was winter and I had a full face mask to protect from the cold. Perhaps out of nervousness of attending daycare (I cannot recall), I chewed on the mouthpiece of the mask. Person z was asked to wear the mask by Person x, and did not want to wear it because he thought it was gross (it was all mangled up). Person x asked me why I chewed on the mouthpiece, and I replied “because it was juicy…” (lol). Person x immediately went into a rage, grabbed me by my jacket and threw me into the front seat of the car from the back. Person x began cursing and yelling at me “Why the @#$% did you do that!?”. Being in fear, I did not know what else to reply or what Person x wanted me to reply, so I kept repeating I don't know.
 
There were many similar occurrences in which I allowed myself to go into self-denial/suppression. In so I developed the personality character of Self-denial, preferring not to speak or express myself due to fear of others being disappointed with me or reacting in rage/anger that would potentially cause an uncomfortable or stressful situation which I sought to avoid.
 
 
Thoughts - Justifications and excuses
“I don't want to cause a conflict here”
“I don't want to hurt anyone”
“I will talk about/deal with that later”.
“I would rather not deal with that right now”
“I don't want to deal with that right now”
“I don't want to waste my energy on describing this whole thing”
“I don't want to impose my beliefs on x”
“I don't want to offend x”
“I deserve what I'm getting, and so I have to deal with the consequences”
“They will not understand”
“They don't/won't get it”
“Situation x will fail”
“What if situation x happens” – playing out worst case scenarios
“What if desire x does not happen”
“I don't want to expose myself”
“I don't want person x to hate me”
“I don't want person x to think I'm using them”
“I don't want person x to be upset”
“I don't want to be a bully”
“I want to give others the opportunity to be responsible for themselves”
“I don't know the answer”
“I don't want to go there”
“What if I realize that I am at fault/guilty of x”
“Its easier if I just play along”
“I can't wait to be alone/free of person x”
"I'm not self-righteous"
 
 
Feelings/Emotions
Resistance/Reluctance to direct myself. Frustration. Awkwardness. Sadness as self-pity where I create a positive energy experience of myself – to compensate for the negative experience I had of self-denial) within the point that I can blame someone else, and then enjoy going into my 'happy place' in my mind, where I can create all kinds of fantasies of imagining the other person suffering, and myself playing out and enjoying all of the things (expressions and dreams) that I feel I have been denied in my life by others - through blame.
 
 
Physical
Through taking directive principle in a conversation this evening, I realize that it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part, whereas before I could just relax and let my mind do all the work for me, only speaking to appease the other, or facilitate the conversation when I wanted to get an energetic high. Also noticing physical resistance as tiredness, and wanting to slouch back in my chair. Scratching/Rubbing my head (for luck hhh).
 
 
Beliefs/Perceptions
Belief that I cannot change the situation. Belief that I am stuck in this situation. Belief that I've done everything I can do. Belief that there are no consequences because I do not see them here now.
 
 
Desires
Desire for personal experience in self-interest, and so fear losing personal experience. Desire to fantasize what it would be like if situation x happened in real life, how I would express myself – yet only creating it in imagination dimension.
 
 
Fears
Fear someone will be disappointed or 'put out' if I express myself. Valuing others as being of more value than myself, as playing out the inferior/submissive personality character based on the perception that to be inferior is to be humble. Based in the starting point of me allowing others to take responsibility for themselves, not realizing that I was avoiding taking responsibility for myself, not understanding myself as an Equal participant or how I had been suppressing myself.
 
Fear someone will criticize me, and cause me to go into a reaction of anger and consequently self-punishment, which I also feared, as I have seen the destructive consequences of my anger. Fear others will use my expression as leverage to gain advantage over me and/or make fun of me within the context of fear of not being liked and/or accepted by others. Not accepting myself for who I am. Fear of having to put out all kinds of effort, but believing that nothing will come of it as everything has failed in the past.
 
 
Consequences
Finding myself in situations I despise and desperately do not wish to be in. Being in situations where I am forced to do something regardless of whether or not I wish to do it or not. This has the resulting consequence of me going into stress, frustration, and anger with more spin-off consequences of those patterns/systems of enslavement.
 
 
Correction
Move and direct myself to take directive principle
 
Self Forgiveness and Correction to follow in next post…