Thursday, 13 December 2012

Day 131 – Self Denial - Part 2

Self Denial
Continuation from

Self-Denial.  An extensive, all encompassing point to say the least, with so many contributing factors and points of dishonesty and self-deception making itself appear somewhat daunting.  I have seen this point before, to a certain extent, however thanks to time and the Fibonacci spiral, it has once again come to revisit me.   It appears intimidating at first, because I only see the ‘path of destruction’ and consequence.  So to start I will ask myself some questions, as an interview with myself.

Why do I Not Want to Face this Point of Self-Denial?
-Angry with myself and others for allowing Self-Denial to happen.
-Angry that I cannot correct the past. 
-Angry and disillusioned because I now fear that I don’t even know or trust myself. 
-Fear and uncertainty of not being able to find all the source points of Self-Denial and correct them  effectively. 
-Subconsciously, Fear that in being honest with myself as my honest expression, I will not have any value, despite my understanding of Equality.
-Fear of artificially, accidentally, and/or overbearingly imposing myself on others. 
-Fear that because of what I have allowed in the past, I will only make mistakes and mess things up. 
-Fear that I have nothing to contribute. 
-Fear that my contribution will be judged as inadequate.
-Fear within taking responsibility of a physically debilitating condition and having to be a burden on someone.

What are the Initial Points (First occurrences) of Self-Denial Within Myself?
My parents were separated when I was young, around 5 or 6 and I was placed in my fathers custody.  I didn’t see my mother for many years after that.  My father re-married (my stepmother) and to me she was the most shallow, evil person I could have imagined in my worst nightmare. 

Initially, I had an idea of what life would be like, so I had a very ‘excited’ and ‘joyful’ (sometimes cocky lol) expression, which quickly faded and turned to inner dismay and extreme anger.
My parents were constantly discontent, very angry, and judgmental.  Looking back now, I would definitely classify this as abusive. I tried to make myself feel better through images of killing them in my mind.  I developed a deep hatred for both of them.

There were many others whom I hated in my childhood, partly out of blame, yet the experiences I had were far from the ideas I had of what life would or should have been like.  Things just weren’t right at all.     
Through this hatred of my parents and others, I felt I could not trust anyone, and I saw that I had no support for the ‘real me’.  My father said to me one day ‘I had no direction’.  For direction, one must have a destination and a purpose, neither of which I could fathom. 

I had secretly chosen abstinence and rebellion as my direction, partly in the attempt to get revenge on the system, and all those whom I so desperately hated in my life, and partly due to religious programming given to me at an early age.  It was like a form of mental suicide, not considering the consequences or how things would play out.   So I began to just ‘go with the flow’, hoping for a better future.

There was another person in particular through which I developed an extreme dislike.  The father of a friend of mine I perceived as very egotistical, macho, bullying, and belittling type of person.  He attributed great value to rich people in the world, and could care less about the poor or less fortunate. He had all of the ‘how to get rich books’ on a shelf, I recall.  I resented that personality so much that I made it my life’s purpose ‘not to be rich’ or ‘successful’ in spite of him, and unwittingly, spiting myself.  

In high school, i clearly saw the falseness of the system, through which I developed the idea that I would rebel against it.  I hated the monotony and the idea of pigeon-holing myself into a career.  I romanticized the idea of ‘living for today’, and settling for whatever happened in my life… I would find a way to ‘just get by’. 

I was not motivated by fear, choosing rather to value friendships and relationships, not realizing how insincere they were.  I genuinely cared about ‘genuine’ people, yet little did I understand that without money, your options become extremely limited, and your perceived value and capacity to do anything is greatly diminished.

What are the Main Points/Reasons of Self-Denial?
Interestingly, I did not trust myself because of disturbing images that came into my head when I was young.  I did not understand or know the source of these images, and thought that they were ‘part of me’, so I became fearful of myself, that I would harm someone, thinking myself to have some kind of evil within me.  Little did I know of how the program works, and the actual truth that I am not these thoughts, but they are preprogramed, impulsed mind projections. 

Self-judgement - leading to Self-Blame - leading to Self-pity.  From that develops the positive energy experience in the mind as the hope in the form of an external belief as a future escape/redemption from self here.

What are the Patterns and Consequences of Self-Denial?
Uncertainty and lack of Self-Trust
Hiding self
False Personality, Identity, Characterization
Escapism and Externalized Beliefs
Going into a ‘Shell’
Fearing of Self Expression/Introversion
Giving Up Easily
Aversion and Procrastination
Poor Decision Making
Irresponsibility to Self and Others
Limitation and Pessimism
Unrealized/Wasted Potential
Self pity
Self hate
Diminishment and Death

It is no wonder I had so much anger, severe anxiety problems, and Self-Denial within me through the years.  You would think in our society there would have been someone who noticed or actually cared enough to assist me to see the starting point of these issues and resolve them, so I could understand myself.  This simple understanding could have resolved a world of problems for myself and others.  Yet that is the nature of our systems, false caring and self-centered disassociation.  Only now at the age of 41 do I understand how these things have affected my life in such a profound way.  Not to blame, as we all have participated in creating and allowing this.

This is the reason we face so much severe consequences in our world.  We pretend to be responsible, yet we are absolutely irresponsible to life.  We are not life.  We are merely selfish and inconsiderate robots pretending to be life with pathetic excuses as to why we can’t take responsibility to be real and honest. 
Self-Denial is the worst thing we can possibly do to ourselves.

Self-forgiveness to follow…

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