So I noticed a pattern - within a pattern - in my process. When I see and identify a point within myself, to where it becomes clear, I embody the point. That is to say, not only do I recognize it, but the point becomes ‘active’. So when its a big point – such as the point I recently dealt with (Self-denial). Not only am I more ‘aware’ of it - despite the self-forgiveness I had done on the point - the construct is still playing out, as I am still denying myself in areas of my life.
This shows me I have some work to do in order to walk the solution for myself. I realize it is a very broad issue, so I will have to break it down into smaller pieces (using memories) before the whole construct is resolved.
For instance, I had committed myself to get out of bed as soon as I woke up. To start my day, however I hit the snooze button a few times and did not wake up for an hour and a half after my alarm went off – demonstrating to me my routine as allowing myself to drift back to sleep and not stand self-directed. Mornings I notice draining energetic emotions going on within me.
The emotions are based in resentment for the past - frustration within myself because I realize that I did not live to my fullest potential in my life, due to misaligned valuation of myself and consequently self-denial. As long as self-denial is the controlling system in me, I will have emotional reactions and fear that I will not live my fullest potential.
Perhaps one of the main points is that I fear ‘failure’, (not trusting myself) due to having programmed myself into self-denial through constant suppressions in my past, which lead to self-compromise, and consequently emotional turmoil and frustration - ‘thinking’ to myself that was the only solution. The spiral or catch 22 of that is that it leads to more self-denial, and resentment of myself and others.
How to get out of this?
The only way to establish self-trust within myself is to take responsibility to place myself into a position where I am using my abilities to their fullest potential. Not a desire to be more than myself, just to be honest and effective with myself.
My mind tells me there are no opportunities to live my fullest potential because I have tried in the past and things ‘didn’t work out’ for whatever reasons…, but I must realize that I must always work with what is here - with myself, to create opportunities and build self-trust, solely on the basis of living self-support, life support, within understanding myself as Equality, which is actually the only real value, as the value of life itself.
Because I do not see opportunities, does not mean they do not exist. Each moment is an opportunity. I only have to clear myself of my past belief patterns of blame and self-compromise and self-denial.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the mind within a routine where I continually deny myself through not disciplining myself and taking self-directive principle. I realize that this happens because of the energetically charged emotions which I have not seen the starting point of and cleared through self-forgiveness. (Will write more on the specifics of this)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the desire for an energetic experience of myself as the release of emotions through spiting myself within self-denial, despite realizing the nature of how the system works within my as self compromise and diminishment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't stop the energy addiction when it is triggered within myself. I realize that I am able to stop as it is a decision that I must make to honor myself as life as equal to the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor myself and not stick to my agreement with myself. I realize that I must work myself to a point where I no longer accept and allow any desire for energetic experience and within that, when I do not honor my commitment to myself – I am not happy with myself – yet when I do honor my commitment to myself, I feel good about myself as just being here taking responsibility for myself without any detrimental consequence. Specifically, this is a practical point of application where I must establish a reliable system of self-support.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to clear my starting point with myself to here and see the starting point to all active systems within me causing self-compromise.
I commit myself to realize that I must push my resistances and be prepared for them early – writing first thing in the morning.
I commit myself to push myself to take self-directive principle in my life so I may not be enslaved to and directed by the mind consciousness system, but change myself to move myself and support myself.