Day 124–The Conversationalist

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself – within slowing myself down – to maintain the pace of myself within breathing constantly and consistently being here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put myself in situations where I believe that I can relax from being directive principle of my breath.  I realize that within these situations, I must still apply myself within awareness so that I continue to push myself in practicing taking directive principle in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my directive principle when a moment changes, as I find myself speaking with someone, and words just come out of my mouth, showing me that I am not equal and one with my words yet.  I realize that there is subtle fear there, as the fear of how others perceive me, fear of others thinking that I am weird or foolish if I were to slow myself down within conversation and direct my words as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other perceive me, and allow myself to be directed and controlled by that fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the fear that others will believe me to be foolish or weird.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am getting value from saying things that are funny, as the desire for a personality character experience of myself in the belief that my personality character is better than others because I want to prove to others that I have no fear.  In so I am attempting to validate my own character as ‘funny’ or ‘unique’ rather than applying myself, and so placing value on my personality character above standing equal to my words as directive principle of myself. 
Within this believe that I am getting value from being humorous, there is fear of changing myself and fear of uncomfortable moments where nothing is being said – fear that I am wasting opportunity to express.  So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am wasting opportunities to express, when what this leads me to do is to act or speak without standing equal to my words as directive principle because I am allowing myself to go on autopilot in fear of wasting a moment to express myself.  I realize that I must first slow myself down to here as breath awareness to acquire the starting point of myself, and then speak words equal to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear uncomfortable or awkward moments, as projecting the belief that others will become uncomfortable if I do not speak and potentially believe that I am afraid to speak.  In this, I realize that I am trying to be the conversationalist hero that saves others from awkward feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe myself to be the conversationalist hero, as placing my personality above being directive principle of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be patient with myself when speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my funny personality character.

I commit myself to practicing maintaining directive principle of breath awareness when I am speaking with others.

I commit myself to realize that I must first establish my starting point of here as breath when speaking with others.

I commit myself to stop fearing what I think that others will believe and take responsibility for myself first before trying to assist others.

I commit myself to realize that I cannot help anyone if I am not clear within myself first.

I commit myself to realize that I must not place any value in funny or wise personality characters, as this only serves as a distraction and a false appearance of myself.

I commit myself to stop projecting the fear of what others will think of me if I slow myself down and take directive principle of myself when speaking.

I commit myself to equalize all times with myself where I am not in fear of others when speaking or interacting.

I commit myself to realize that I cannot afford to take breaks from applying myself within breathing.