The feelings of frustration and regret hit me this evening as I reflected on how I managed to arrive where I am now. "Why didn't I do this... " "Why didn't I do that... " as I hopelessly wished for a time machine to take me back 25 years so I could correct myself. Then comes the guilt and blame "Why didn't anyone help me understand..." Why did people lie to me..." The demon wants to go back and Rage. Futile. I accepted a lie within myself... We all did.
So I am here with no other option but to face the consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, and that daily medicine is somewhat painful to swallow.
I had so much potential and opportunity. I could have done anything. But there was this 'thing' within me which I did not understand. So I allowed myself to play the fool, and the victim, and a host of other characters without ever realizing the critical piece I was missing.
Finally, I understand... yet much of my life has been spent in the searching.
I thought I understood myself. I understood in my own way, from 'my limited perspective'. All I could see was Lies, Lies, Lies, Lies everywhere, as my inner battle with the Balrog raged inside me as Self-denial, I feared losing myself as Anger and the Bitterness of Blame pulverized and consumed me from the inside.
Some thought I was a stupid and a fool, and I understood that, yet I did not understand how to solve that problem for myself. I just assumed that was "just the way it was", I figured I had to be that way, and I would figure myself out eventually. No way could I confide in anyone or share what I Really felt, the feelings were all too strange and awkward, suppressed deep within myself. And I didn't trust anyone anyway.
I could not grasp a purpose for myself, or a place. My father told me "I had no direction"... to which I had no answer. Which way do you choose when everything is fucked and you have no starting point? I felt like flotsam, moved only by the waves of the ocean.
Why do we not realize such things until it is too late to change? Why do we live our lives in reverse?
Why is life so unforgiving? Is Life stupid, and a fool? I often thought old people must know what the hell is going on. Why weren't they telling and sharing with everyone? Why are they hiding all their understanding and keeping it a secret?
I sit here and think how easy it could have been, if only I had understood Self-acceptance. If only there was some honesty and accountability in life. Some actual Life-support.
Thinking is Futile and will not change the past. I am here now, and being aware of all the deception I am determined to expose it, so others can see for themselves while they have an opportunity to change themselves and this world of Lies. We must accept ourselves as who we are, but that can only be real if we realize who we really are as Equal, and that the only way out of this huge mess is self-honesty and self-forgiveness, lots of self-forgiveness. Because Life is not just for taking, or hiding, or about denying oneself. Life is for Giving in self-honesty. If Life is given, but not in self-honesty, then it is not truly given. It's finally time to stop living the lie.