Saturday, 23 June 2012
Williams 7yr Journey to Life - Day 56 - Time Traveling
Within my process I've become acutely aware of the ups and downs. One day there is a feeling of up, the next its down, with even shorter intervals at times. The most seemingly benign things can trigger ups and downs. Something someone says, or I see a picture or something else will prompt a thought to come up, and I will reflect on it from a future perspective - as a projection, in comparing myself to someone or something - and I then create an idea of the 'best case scenario', or the 'worst case scenario'.
Thus jumping from one time dimension to another, in fear of 'what may or may not happen' in the future - all based on my past programmed thoughts and ideas.
What I really need to do is write things out immediately when they come up, that way I can trap my feelings in one dimension - here - so that I can see it and deconstruct it without the thought and feeling 'fleeing' away, only to come back at another time if it is not dealt with in the moment.
One trigger today was a picture of myself. A thought came up that I am getting old, and so that triggered regret that I have not accomplished that which I would have liked to accomplish yet in this life - as transcending all points of self-dishonesty and standing Equal to all, here, in and as my physical body.
Another trigger further compounded the first, where I had a reaction to a perspective and judged myself as 'not being honest enough with myself yet. This then triggered discouragement which triggered frustration, which triggered tiredness, which triggered neglect.
Within these triggered points there also opened up other points. I am still not living up to my expectations, and or the projected image of myself. I am desiring to be perfect in my process, yet this desire is a deception, because I am using it as a crutch, as a graven image which gives me a good feeling about myself, which I use to encourage myself - in polarity - in which case I inevitably fall into the opposite polarity of discouragement.
So it is time to drop the image so I can sort out what is here, step by step, breath by breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an image of myself in my mind into the future based on my past so that I may manipulate myself into giving myself a good feeling and in so attempt to encourage myself within the polarity game of encouragement/discouragement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and compare myself to the image I have constructed of myself within my mind as an idea, where I actually deny what is here and use this future projection as a point and means to blame others as 'not being as good as me', and in so compromise my self-honesty and create further consequences for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the image of myself I have created in my mind in fear of what others will think of me. This also in fear of consequences that will play out instead of me being here and facing myself within writing so that I can trap and see the points in written format without them fleeing away in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the best case/worst case scenario in my mind and so react to those mind scenarios which create further cycles and time-loops within my process of self-realization.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to write out points for myself as soon as I am able, so that I may see how I am hiding from myself, and so creating more cycles within which I am not being honest with myself and dealing with what is here as me, in and as the physical, moment by moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be liked or be seen as special where I have created ideas and images of myself in my mind so that I may have good feelings about myself without investigating and understanding what the outflow effect of these ideas and images will be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be a hero in my mind where I am thinking I can, and trying to do everything by myself and so putting myself through unnecessary stress and anxiety.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself for what points that I must face within my day and week in a structured and disciplined manner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the first option that comes to mind - as opposed to having patience to explore what other opportunities are available - without unnecessarily aversion to making a decision.
I commit myself to structuring, organizing and prioritizing my days and weeks so that I may prepare myself for the points that I know I have to face within my daily participation, and so be ready to address them and deal with them appropriately in the moment.
I commit myself to physical walking of my process within breath, so that I am constantly dealing with what is here in and as my physical process.
I commit myself to face points that come up as soon as I am able so that I can deal with them before more points are triggered, and so i can stop the cycle before it starts.
I commit myself keeping my process simple through effective writing and establishing myself within and as self-trust.