Wednesday, 6 June 2012

Day 37 - Childhood Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow in the footsteps, actions, manners and behaviors of my father, in thinking that my father was god and could do no wrong. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my father around seeking his attention, validation and protection in fear of my survival, thinking that my father actually loved and cared for me, when in fact his caring for me and my caring for him were both in self-interest because neither of us considered caring from the starting point of all as Equal, thus our caring limited to selfish desires based in fear of facing the truth of who we are, therefore all caring was in vain and only made matters worse for ourselves and the rest of the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and please my father in an effort to get recognition and be seen as special and important in the eyes of my father so that I could participate in the belief that I was special or important in some way and so differentiate myself from others as a self-created hero in my mind, in the belief that I was somehow better, and in so create a good feeling within myself.  In seeing this, I realize that I was merely abusing myself in fear of facing who I am as Equal and so passing off my responsibility to express myself unconditionally as Equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to smile and be happy around my father trying to hide the fears I had of expressing myself with a sm-LIE.  I realize how much I compromised myself in developing a patter/habit of suppressing my fears and hiding myself from myself so as not to have to deal with the real issue - which was obvious fear and spitefulness of myself and existence as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy the patterns of my father in fear of expressing myself for myself and as myself, in the interest of all rather than self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was separate from my world and my reality, not realizing that I am actually a part of existence and my reality, and therefore responsible to speak, act and support myself as all life as opposed to my own self-interest. In realizing this, I realize that I must face all my fears when I am confronted with them within myself or within others so that I may expose and deconstruct all fears within self-honesty and self-forgiveness in order to change myself, my world and my reality into that which is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fathers reactions to me expressing myself unconditionally as a child.  In so, I refrained from expressing myself and what was truly going on within myself, allowing fear to dominate me and subdue and suppress me into a personality construct of trying to please others and make other people happy so that I could apparently escape my fears.  I realize there is no escaping myself and I have to undo what I have done as submission to and being dominated by fear of who I really am.

I commit myself to change myself completely no matter what it takes so that I can undo all the fears, spite and suppression that I allowed within my life experience and in so free myself and free others in my world and reality from the domination of fear and spite.

I commit myself to confront my fears immediately when I encounter them so that I do not allow fear to direct and control me in any way.  In so doing, I direct myself in what is best for me, my world and existence as a whole without making any excuses, as there is no excuse for why I can not stand for life in any and all situations.

I commit myself to pushing my limitations and transcending my past programming which is of the mind as that of seeking attention as a diversion from myself here, as who I am as Equal to my world and my reality.

I commit myself to persevere in pushing my resistances which will show me where I am still allowing separation and fear to dominate, control and enslave me and my world and reality.

I commit myself to expose the cruelty and superficiality of what is considered caring in this world through fam-I-LIES.  This family caring and so called 'love' is not caring or love at all, but spiteful, existing within the polarity of love and hate in fear of facing ourselves for real as who we really are.

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