Day 94 - Tarot Self Refelction Part 3

The topic I selected was - My Fear


The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. The Lovers, when reversed: Inner strife, frustration, suspicion, and disagreements in a relationship. Irresponsibility and indecision. Avoiding true intimacy in favor of lust. Unfaithfulness.

As the resulting consequence of what I accepted and allowed in the past, in fear of facing myself, I trusted god, and so denied myself completely, and ran from myself in the hope that God would take care of everything, I naively believed I just had to trust him and I could cast all my worries aside.  Heaven was there waiting for me.  I took on many heroic characters in my mind to avoid facing myself, relishing in fantastical imaginations that covered, pacified and justified the inner oppression of myself.  I was a complete fool, and I knew it.  I justified the fool character as the essential adversary to the world which I hated - but what I did not face, is that I was hating myself, and now I reap what I have sewn for myself. 

At least I had a chance to see and understand myself in the greater picture, to finally understand Equality... and so say my piece.

This is not a sob story, or a surrender.  I have done much self forgiveness on these points and will continue to do so.  This is facing the reality that self forgiveness does not change the situation unless all change, and still the consequences of the past must be faced, however harsh, there comes a point when consequences can become very demanding... as money still rules the big game, and if you don't have it, you are virtually worthless and helpless in the world.  






The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. The World, when reversed: Incompleteness and shoddy design. A great work betrayed. Insecurity, fear of change, and the failure to reach goals. Regret and disappointment.







My goal was to find the truth, what use was living life based on a lie?  Whatever cost I didn't care, even if the cost was myself. I deliberately avoided becoming successful, as I knew that being successful entailed accepting and serving a system based in abuse.  I thought it would be more fun being poor.  Seeing it from my characters perspective in self-interest of course, although I covered that up with the 'caring person' character.  And so I assumed the role of the good and faithful servant of god, partly to alleviate the tremendous guilt I had.  I was very naive, believing all the prophecies people would tell me about myself, believing myself to be 'special' and 'chosen' by god for a great purpose... lol.  It all sounded very cool... What a sucker I was.  I really had it coming.

As for other goals that I had, they were minor, and the choices I made simply did not turn out in my favor, and I did allow fears to get the best of me. Sure I regret many things and would have done things differently.  Regret however is useless, as is disappointment, and hope.


The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. Ten of Swords (Ruin): Crushing defeat brought about by idle intellectualism divorced from reality. Sadness and desolation in the aftermath of a catastrophic and total collapse. A decisive conclusion brought about through the swift and merciless application of overwhelming force.

When the money runs out, as it most assuredly will, this is the future we all face.  Just look around. Does the world care about homeless or starving people?  Clearly not.  Charity is a pathetic excuse. The only ones that are protected are the ones who are in positions of authority, given value by corporations and a corrupt system.  If people in the world actually cared, Desteni would have had a million followers by now, and we would be on our way to transforming the world.  Looks like the only way we will realize is the hard way. 




The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.

Oh yes the excuse that I'm taking on the weight of the world.  If everyone pitched in just a little bit we could actually do something.  The fears really have people in a stranglehold.  We face them all eventually, and the consequences, so I don't see the point in putting it off... comfort disappears very quickly.


The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Three of Wands (Virtue), when reversed: Pride and arrogance. Convincing oneself that the ends justify the means. A great act of betrayal set in motion. Sinking to the level of an opponent. The vain quest for glory and a personal spotlight. Charity or friendship offered with intent of material gain.


The Pride character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud in thinking that I am special in any way, in that I think I am better than anyone because I realize and understand Equality.  I realize that it is not just understanding, but actual application of myself in taking responsibility to become life and live what is best for all absolutely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could change the world, when actually fear is far more prevalent and ingrained in the minds of people than I had considered, so much that people cannot even take a stand on Equality one way or the other, in fear of stepping out of character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this character William, to think that I have achieved anything to be proud of, when there is absolutely nothing in this world or all of existence to be proud of.  All is a Shameful, Fear-filled Disgrace of Life and a Lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of arrogance, wherein I believed the lies that everything would be ok, god would solve everything, I could just deny myself and the physical existence did not matter in the end as long as I played by god's rules, he would take responsibility for me and send all the evil people to hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arrogantly believe that I could do everything on my own without the help of others.  I realize that I can do many things on my own, but eventually, the system of gangs as cults of corporations, governments, businesses and families overpower through money, contracts and relationships as the spite of Life. 

Day 83 - Limitation

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that limitation only exists because we have all individually and collectively allowed it to exist, as the system of the mind of judgments, ideas, perceptions, beliefs, control and power.  All because we fear ourselves, and feed an illusion of limitation by way of self-denial and self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within the limitations of my mind, where I only consider myself in self-interest and fear, as the boundaries of what I have been taught, programmed and punished to believe.  I realize that I am responsible for accepting and allowing myself to believe the limitations of the system, despite the programming that took place, because I have contributed in creating the current abusive system in past lives that I do not remember.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to such an extent that I have diminished myself to a point where I do not even realize how much I have diminished myself and what I have actually sacrificed - as myself as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fight for my limitations within arguing and defending my limited point of view as my opinion, in ignorance and denial of myself as who I actually am as Equal to all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to such an extent that I actually believe that bullying, punishment, suppression, oppression and existing within the starting point of fear is OK with me - in my personal opinion.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the only reason limitation exists is because I have created it through my irresponsibility to myself as Life. I realize that this occurs through me accepting and allowing a system of inequality to rule over me, and dictate how I should act, how I should express myself, what I should say, how I should say it, what I should wear, where I can or cannot go, and what I should be like - all promoted as freedom, when in fact it is absolute enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize how I am contributing to my own limitations through thinking that I am happy enough, and everything is going to be alright in the end.  I realize that this is the deception, and that me accepting and allowing myself to follow the deception as a sheep - I have become the deceiver of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the fact that my existence as all is far worse than I can comprehend through my limited senses of sight, smell, taste, touch and hearing.  In that I realize that it is my responsibility to understand the deception that is going on beyond the borders of my senses, because if I do nothing, and just let it slide, inevitable destructive and horrific consequences will be faced by all, including myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that denying responsibility creates serious consequences of abuse of Life and self-diminishment, and if I continue to deny responsibility to Life as all as myself, I will suddenly be subject to consequences and instantly become powerless to change or correct myself for the life I lived in ignorance and spite.

I commit myself to consider that which is beyond the limited ideas of what I have been taught to believe.  In so I commit myself to realize that if I stand with the group that supports Life as Equality, limitation of the mind will diminish in time, and what will be left is unconditional self-expression, as me expressing, giving and sharing myself with all in self-honesty - rather than living a lie.

I commit myself to face my fears so that I do not accept and allow fear to rule my existence.

I commit myself to stop blaming others and relying on others to take responsibility for me

I commit myself to rather than fight for my limited and borrowed opinions and perspectives, trust myself to understand how I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself through following the opinions of others.

I commit myself to - within common sense - push myself beyond the limitations of what I have been taught to believe I am, and so face my fear of myself so that I can get to know who I really am for real as a physical being Equal to all.

I commit myself to take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist in my world and reality, and in so, look into myself in self-honesty so I can change myself and align myself with the Life honoring principle of that which is Best for All.

I commit myself to supporting the only solution to the current abusive money system - which is Equal Money for All.

I commit myself to undertake the Journey to Life in blogging and sharing myself and my self-realizations so that all will be supported in giving ourselves to life through self-forgiveness.


Artwork by :

Sebastian Eriksson

Day 74 - You're Special

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize, that in thinking I am special, I have actually allowed myself to become just a spec of the I of all, in separation and denial of all as me, thus when my body dies, it breaks down to specs of dust of the earth that will no longer animate my special characters. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be special, in so much that I create hypothetical situations in my mind, in trying to imagine what I would be like if everyone saw this care-actor and were so astounded by my words that they all talked about me and my great character amongst themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of myself as a special character and so create imaginary dimensions in my mind as thoughts and judgements against others, so as to promote myself in seeking the attention and worship of others, because in the beLIEf that I am special, my point of view is more valuable, more profound, and strangely unique.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my personal feelings about someone are more valid than another beings feelings, because I believe I am special, I am an env(o)y of the universe sent to bring love and joy to everyone - even though most people do not appear to see my special character that I create in the magical world of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust that my magical character in my mind will save me from harm when danger threatens me.  I realize that I do this to bring a false sense of comfort to my special characters.  I realize that my magical mind character, my spirit guide that keeps me safe, is actually a reflection of my self-dishonesty - because I am too afraid to face the real consequences of what I have created, accepted, and allowed in the physical world - as absolute self-denial of who I really am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create both an angel character to compliment me and validate my goodness, and also a demonic character whom I can blame everything on when I am faced with the actual physical consequences of what I have accepted and allowed myself to become - as a bi-polar mind slave that denies myself in the desire for excitement, as fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in my lust for attention and energy, and in my decision to submit to fear, I have accepted myself as a compromise, a partial truth, of who I really am, and thus the partial truth of me is therefore the acceptance of me as the complete lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create thoughts in my mind as gods, demons, angels, masters, serving peasants, perverted liars and cheaters of life.  I realize that I have justified these characters as 'normal' and 'acceptable' in the I belief that 'I need them to survive', and 'I am strong and in control of my mind',  and 'I am good and would never let them get out of hand'.  In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these characters in full understanding that these thoughts create severe consequences in my physical world, and thus all the torture, suffering and enslavement of the world is because of my thoughts, as I have loved my secret and selfish desires - at the extreme cost of making others pay the real price for my dishonesty, proving that I have feared death, suffering and have neglected my true self as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the simple, humble, caring and loving characters as a cover-up to hide the real me.  I realize that these cover ups are all very thin veils, and that anyone, even children and others who use fake characters, can easily see through my disguises, even though they be unwilling to drop the charade for themselves.

I commit myself to drop the charade and face myself and reality for real.

I commit myself to realize that fear is the con of consciousness which causes unnecessary and extreme suffering.

I commit myself to research and understand how I created this false mind-reality

I commit myself to stand for what is best for all.

I commit myself to changing myself from being a slave to my secret mind, to one who exposes the truth of myself to myself.

I commit myself to investing in the one and only solution to life as Equality for all

I commit myself to the journey to life, to nothingness so life can be born in the physical as best for all

I commit myself to distinguish with common sense - what is necessary for life, and what is not

I commit myself to give all of myself to life through self-forgiveness, as I would like to receive of life.

Day 40 - Context and Definitions of Love

Love is destructive because it is deliberately taken out of context so people can use and abuse life in the name of Love.

Contexts of Love

1. Epithumia
- a strong desire of many sorts.
- Many times it is associated with lust or to covet
- desire to have or to own.
- controlling


This form of love is self-sabotage because;
- It exists as selfishness within fear of loss
- It is based in jealousy - as the fear of seeing oneself as 'less than'
- has the expression of "I dont care about what others want, I want this for myself, even at the expense of others"


2. Eros
- associated with romance,
- head-over-heals feeling
- feeling you've found your Soul mate
- Your world and mind circles about your loved one and they are always on your mind.


This form of love is self-sabotage because;
- Belief based on programmed idea of "love"
- It is the fear of being alone which energizes the feeling of Eros


3. Agape
- expect nothing in return
- self sacrifice but is not unconditional
- by choice
- You can elect to love your spouse this way because it is what is best for your family and marriage.

This form of love is self-sabotage because;
- Self suppression, often based on fear of survival, fear of loneliness, or fear of facing yourself
- Rather than standing Equal to our world and reality,


4. Phileo:
- This love cherishes and has tender affection for the beloved but it expects a response.
- a love of relationship, comradeship, sharing, communication and friendship.
- a close companionship that is all trusting

- Relationship love - Based in Self-interest within the starting point of selfishness because it is not based in the starting point of standing for life as what is best for all.
- Often abused through creating personalities and imposing them on children.


5. Storge:
- Storge love is often described as a comfortable old shoe relationship comprised of natural affection and a sense of belonging to each other.
-  represents a safe haven for couples as it is a place of acceptance, mutual respect and shelter.

 This form of love is self-sabotage because;
- Fear of not belonging, not being accepted
- often comes from childhood experiences where we feared being left out
- Desire for safety - as the desire for validation and justification as to why we are not being honest with ourselves. 
- Self-compromise


All of these forms of love exist within fear and limitation by not understanding ourselves, believing ourselves to be separate from our world and reality.   Any love that is based on fear is self-deception and therefore not standing equal to life.


The only love that is real in fact, is that which is absolutely unconditional, and not limited to personal ideas or beliefs.  Living or having an agreement within the starting point of supporting all life Equally, as the principle of what is best for all is the only real, self-honest starting point for having an agreement or relationship.  Love has not helped our world in any way, in fact, our world is is a virtual hell for many, because of dishonesty and the belief in Love.


If we stop love and decided to live as Equals and support life, we could have heaven on Earth.


Help us by supporting and Equal Money system.


See my video on Love here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAVFvuZmkEE&feature=youtu.be

Day 37 - Childhood Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow in the footsteps, actions, manners and behaviors of my father, in thinking that my father was god and could do no wrong. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to follow my father around seeking his attention, validation and protection in fear of my survival, thinking that my father actually loved and cared for me, when in fact his caring for me and my caring for him were both in self-interest because neither of us considered caring from the starting point of all as Equal, thus our caring limited to selfish desires based in fear of facing the truth of who we are, therefore all caring was in vain and only made matters worse for ourselves and the rest of the world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and please my father in an effort to get recognition and be seen as special and important in the eyes of my father so that I could participate in the belief that I was special or important in some way and so differentiate myself from others as a self-created hero in my mind, in the belief that I was somehow better, and in so create a good feeling within myself.  In seeing this, I realize that I was merely abusing myself in fear of facing who I am as Equal and so passing off my responsibility to express myself unconditionally as Equal.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to always want to smile and be happy around my father trying to hide the fears I had of expressing myself with a sm-LIE.  I realize how much I compromised myself in developing a patter/habit of suppressing my fears and hiding myself from myself so as not to have to deal with the real issue - which was obvious fear and spitefulness of myself and existence as a whole.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to copy the patterns of my father in fear of expressing myself for myself and as myself, in the interest of all rather than self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I was separate from my world and my reality, not realizing that I am actually a part of existence and my reality, and therefore responsible to speak, act and support myself as all life as opposed to my own self-interest. In realizing this, I realize that I must face all my fears when I am confronted with them within myself or within others so that I may expose and deconstruct all fears within self-honesty and self-forgiveness in order to change myself, my world and my reality into that which is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my fathers reactions to me expressing myself unconditionally as a child.  In so, I refrained from expressing myself and what was truly going on within myself, allowing fear to dominate me and subdue and suppress me into a personality construct of trying to please others and make other people happy so that I could apparently escape my fears.  I realize there is no escaping myself and I have to undo what I have done as submission to and being dominated by fear of who I really am.


I commit myself to change myself completely no matter what it takes so that I can undo all the fears, spite and suppression that I allowed within my life experience and in so free myself and free others in my world and reality from the domination of fear and spite.

I commit myself to confront my fears immediately when I encounter them so that I do not allow fear to direct and control me in any way.  In so doing, I direct myself in what is best for me, my world and existence as a whole without making any excuses, as there is no excuse for why I can not stand for life in any and all situations.

I commit myself to pushing my limitations and transcending my past programming which is of the mind as that of seeking attention as a diversion from myself here, as who I am as Equal to my world and my reality.

I commit myself to persevere in pushing my resistances which will show me where I am still allowing separation and fear to dominate, control and enslave me and my world and reality.

I commit myself to expose the cruelty and superficiality of what is considered caring in this world through fam-I-LIES.  This family caring and so called 'love' is not caring or love at all, but spiteful, existing within the polarity of love and hate in fear of facing ourselves for real as who we really are.

7yr Journey to Life - Day 27 - Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could experience love for myself while the rest of the world suffers.  And in so, I justified my personal and selfish desire for love through the excuse -  'It's to big for me to understand' - 'there's nothing I can do about it' and 'it's too scary for me to consider'.  Never allowing myself to realize and understand that all the fictitious bandage excuses I used were only a cover up, and never able to stop my addiction to the desire to experience love - in spite of the big picture - I always knew my love wasn't real, the evidence was all around me, every moment of my existence, I was just too afraid to face who I am for real, and in so, I denied who I am, and traded my eternal self for a morphine high, subject to the ultimate low of death, as complete self-denial.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a spiritual 'heart of love' out there somewhere, in the great beyond, that has accounted for - numbered, and made a record of, all my feelings of love that I had in my life, so that I in my selfish mind, could use these thoughts of love to comfort myself in thinking that I lived a good life - because I felt feelings of love.  Yet I never allowed myself to realize that these feelings of love can only exist within a physical body - therefore when my body dies, all my love DIES with it - completely proving that my love was never real, but only fleeting feelings of selfishness to cover my guilt and shame of who I had accepted and allowed myself to become - as a self-deceiver that did not give my whole life to expose spite, and honor all life Equally.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the lie that love is forever, when in fact love is subject to time and death, and cannot exist without me or the earth - as a physical expression of me, as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my love is sweet and caring, when in fact, my love has only the appearance of sweetness, but it is a deadly poisoned apple, seducing and killing all who eat it through a slow and painful death by corruption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my love as bait to lure others into my traps of guilt, shame and desire for revenge I experienced within myself, so that I could have company in my judgement against life, sighting legalities and false justifications, in my self-denial, misery and deceitfulness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself through thinking that I wanted love when what I really wanted was sex, as an energy high to pacify my irresponsibility to life.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entranced and enchanted with thoughts of love and delight, seeking nothing but fulfillment of selfish desire, in full awareness of how I was injecting hatred and enmity into all of existence as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to celebrate the lie of love, and in so manifest the extreme polarity as murder, rape and killing in my world because I laughingly accepted my own lie, thinking I could somehow escape myself, and would not have to face the consequences of what I had allowed myself to become.     

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am brave because I accepted the lie of love, I am brave because I can deny myself,  I am brave because I see fear in the reactions of others, I am brave because I can cheat death,  'I must be a supreme God' because I can abuse love - when the reality is no one is able to cheat death, as the manifested consequence of what we have allowed through the belief in love - which is spite - as fear of self.

I commit myself to expose the lie of love and its deception which is used by Hollywood, media, and corporations to sell more products to fuel consumerism for profit resulting in the corruption of life and the destruction of our planet.

I commit myself to live myself here as breath in every moment facing myself for who I am as a physical being that does not require love from an outside source.  I embrace, support and care for myself as I embrace, support and care for all life as changing myself and our world into a place where life is honored in Equality

I commit myself to stand for and support the only solution that will bring us out of the massive problems and consequences we face in our world.  Equal Money for All.

I commit myself to bring awareness of Equality to those who do not fully understand the deception propagated by corporations, Hollywood, media and politicians in our world through blogging and sharing and becoming a living example of what is best for all

I commit myself to give all of myself to Life as Equality as breath as aligning myself with the physical in all ways so that I may become the living expression of life, Equal and One, until it is done.