Day 94 - Tarot Self Refelction Part 3

The topic I selected was - My Fear


The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. The Lovers, when reversed: Inner strife, frustration, suspicion, and disagreements in a relationship. Irresponsibility and indecision. Avoiding true intimacy in favor of lust. Unfaithfulness.

As the resulting consequence of what I accepted and allowed in the past, in fear of facing myself, I trusted god, and so denied myself completely, and ran from myself in the hope that God would take care of everything, I naively believed I just had to trust him and I could cast all my worries aside.  Heaven was there waiting for me.  I took on many heroic characters in my mind to avoid facing myself, relishing in fantastical imaginations that covered, pacified and justified the inner oppression of myself.  I was a complete fool, and I knew it.  I justified the fool character as the essential adversary to the world which I hated - but what I did not face, is that I was hating myself, and now I reap what I have sewn for myself. 

At least I had a chance to see and understand myself in the greater picture, to finally understand Equality... and so say my piece.

This is not a sob story, or a surrender.  I have done much self forgiveness on these points and will continue to do so.  This is facing the reality that self forgiveness does not change the situation unless all change, and still the consequences of the past must be faced, however harsh, there comes a point when consequences can become very demanding... as money still rules the big game, and if you don't have it, you are virtually worthless and helpless in the world.  






The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. The World, when reversed: Incompleteness and shoddy design. A great work betrayed. Insecurity, fear of change, and the failure to reach goals. Regret and disappointment.







My goal was to find the truth, what use was living life based on a lie?  Whatever cost I didn't care, even if the cost was myself. I deliberately avoided becoming successful, as I knew that being successful entailed accepting and serving a system based in abuse.  I thought it would be more fun being poor.  Seeing it from my characters perspective in self-interest of course, although I covered that up with the 'caring person' character.  And so I assumed the role of the good and faithful servant of god, partly to alleviate the tremendous guilt I had.  I was very naive, believing all the prophecies people would tell me about myself, believing myself to be 'special' and 'chosen' by god for a great purpose... lol.  It all sounded very cool... What a sucker I was.  I really had it coming.

As for other goals that I had, they were minor, and the choices I made simply did not turn out in my favor, and I did allow fears to get the best of me. Sure I regret many things and would have done things differently.  Regret however is useless, as is disappointment, and hope.


The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. Ten of Swords (Ruin): Crushing defeat brought about by idle intellectualism divorced from reality. Sadness and desolation in the aftermath of a catastrophic and total collapse. A decisive conclusion brought about through the swift and merciless application of overwhelming force.

When the money runs out, as it most assuredly will, this is the future we all face.  Just look around. Does the world care about homeless or starving people?  Clearly not.  Charity is a pathetic excuse. The only ones that are protected are the ones who are in positions of authority, given value by corporations and a corrupt system.  If people in the world actually cared, Desteni would have had a million followers by now, and we would be on our way to transforming the world.  Looks like the only way we will realize is the hard way. 




The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.

Oh yes the excuse that I'm taking on the weight of the world.  If everyone pitched in just a little bit we could actually do something.  The fears really have people in a stranglehold.  We face them all eventually, and the consequences, so I don't see the point in putting it off... comfort disappears very quickly.


The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Three of Wands (Virtue), when reversed: Pride and arrogance. Convincing oneself that the ends justify the means. A great act of betrayal set in motion. Sinking to the level of an opponent. The vain quest for glory and a personal spotlight. Charity or friendship offered with intent of material gain.


The Pride character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud in thinking that I am special in any way, in that I think I am better than anyone because I realize and understand Equality.  I realize that it is not just understanding, but actual application of myself in taking responsibility to become life and live what is best for all absolutely.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could change the world, when actually fear is far more prevalent and ingrained in the minds of people than I had considered, so much that people cannot even take a stand on Equality one way or the other, in fear of stepping out of character. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this character William, to think that I have achieved anything to be proud of, when there is absolutely nothing in this world or all of existence to be proud of.  All is a Shameful, Fear-filled Disgrace of Life and a Lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of arrogance, wherein I believed the lies that everything would be ok, god would solve everything, I could just deny myself and the physical existence did not matter in the end as long as I played by god's rules, he would take responsibility for me and send all the evil people to hell.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arrogantly believe that I could do everything on my own without the help of others.  I realize that I can do many things on my own, but eventually, the system of gangs as cults of corporations, governments, businesses and families overpower through money, contracts and relationships as the spite of Life. 

Day 91 - Williams 7yr Journey to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to complete my process because I have not yet been able to direct every breath, as me fearing the future outcome based on the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to condemn myself through self-judgement and the belief that I cannot change myself or my situation no matter how hard I try to apply myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire that this process be over and I could just wake up and everyone would be standing as Equals as heaven on earth. In this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to 'skip steps' as if I am searching for a shortcut to some place I have defined in separation from what is here. I realize there is no shortcut to life, as all that is here as me must be considered, deconstructed, redefined, and walked into Equality and Oneness.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to the idea that I am stuck.  I realize that the mind is stuck in self-interest as self-limitation, therefore I am stuck is but a false perception of who I am here.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of powerlessness.  I realize that the idea that I am powerless is of the mind and actually a reflection of how I am giving my power away through the belief that I am stuck or trapped.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire everything to be easy for myself when easy is not what is here.  Life would be easy if we all stood as Equals, yet we have made our situation appear difficult due to separation and perceptions, simply due to our collective denial of responsibility to Life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by fear when things appear difficult.  I realize difficulty is of the mind as fearing the future and fearing for my survival as this character and thus not who I am, but a limited perceptional point of view of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to wonder about things in the desire to 'know' things as knowledge and information thinking that that will help me understand myself and be myself, when in fact knowledge of myself is only the tool with which I use to deconstruct myself so that I may stand Equal to my physical body as the physical existence in Equality here.

I commit myself to push myself in supporting and directing myself to align myself with living what is best for all in each moment.

I commit myself to constant change as self-movement, as me in the realization that I am able to change myself, integrating into and as my physical body and out of my mind of ego and abuse.

I commit myself to expose the falsehood of preprogrammed expectations of myself within 'what I think will happen' is never actually what happens, as happening is always happening here, as me birthing and changing myself so no enslavement exists within me or my world.

I commit myself to embracing what is here as me so that I can use this opportunity to Equalize myself with all of existence. 

I commit myself to change myself when times appear difficult and use those experiences as opportunities to transcend my fear of the future/fear of survival as thought projections, expectations and ideas based on my past.

I commit myself to, when and as I perceive myself to be stuck, use the opportunity to change and direct myself so that I can move myself and prove to myself that being stuck is merely a limited idea of the mind and an illusion.

I commit myself to Equalize myself in all ways so that each moment is Equally here as me and I stand in Equality as myself no matter what.

I commit myself to realize that limitation is of the mind as it attempts to fool me into the belief that I am limited and therefore cannot change or move myself.

I commit myself to stop judgements of time as I realize that time is a mechanism through which I am able to see myself and use to expose the deception that exists within my world and reality.

The Informer

 Day 77

To say that I 'gossip' is informal, derogatory, and inappropriate.  As the Informer, it is my job to inform you, so that you are aware of my secret information I prudently pass to you, so that you may be informed of the knowledge and power I possess.  I offer it as my gift to you, so that you too may possess yourself with my power.

As Master Informer, I hereby grant you, the informant, the powers of spite and corruption, so that we, in con-tract agreement together, may manipulate knowledge and information for our combined benefit, in spite of the truth.  Herein we, by our own declaration of authority and authenticity, as the owners and rulers of this power of knowledge and information, may pass judgement over others, as we have stated our authority as Masters of knowledge and information here in writing.

As the Informer, I command that you, the Informant wield this power at will - which is my will... and please do not question my authority. If you do, I will inform others about you, and you will be punished, ostracized, and labeled shameful - as all fear my authority and power, and so they will hasten to do my bidding.  Without my knowledge and power, yours will become corrupt and void, because I will reiterate my authority over you in writing, and use it to control and harm you by force. 

As the Informer, I expect you to inform others so that they too may form ideas, and opinions, on the knowledge and information I provide to you. 

As the Informer, I promise to grant you more and more power, if you obey me, and seek more of me, and lead others to me, so that I, we, may subdue them also.  That is your reward.

As the Informer, I have the power to withhold information and knowledge from you when I feel it necessary, so that I may keep you in fear of not knowing, fearing the unknown, in fear of being UN-informed.  Without my knowledge and information, you will become powerless.

As the Informer, I promise to tell you of all that you need to know, so that you may become an in-tell-agent as me, and feel as powerful as a God... with the power to destroy life.

As the Informer, I command you to bow your ear to me and pay attention, I will be your Source of information.  If you obey my commands, I will speak sweetly about you, kind words to compliment you, so that you may know my knowledge, and Worship my information.  If you do not obey my knowledge, I will make you beg for more of my information, as my information is power, energy, and your Salvation.  If your begging pleases me, then perhaps I will grant you access to more and more of my secret information, as your personal ticket to information heaven.

As the Informer, I will tell you the informant, more of my secrets, even my top-secret, classified information, so that you may become an Informer as myself.  Know that you are very important to me, as I require something of you in exchange for me imparting billions of ones and zero's of my information into your being.

As the Informer, I will entertain and seduce you with all my emotional programs of Love and Hate, I will fill you with emotional memories of the past, yours free, to access at any time you wish.  I will be your dealer, and you my insatiable, slave-addict.

As the Informer, I hereby grant you new Titles, Designations, Definitions, Personalities, Value systems, Characters, and every Imaginable Justification you can conceive.  You will become like myself - free of all responsibility, untouchable, and eventually you will attain the power of invisibility.

As the Master Informer, I command that you must always be subject to me.  In agreeing to this, I will pro-miss to protect you, I pro-miss to free you from judgment, shame, and consequence.  Remember that it pleases me that you wallow in all my endless feelings and emotions.  Is it not your primary desire to be happy?  Surely it would please you to know that I hold the key to all your personal dreams and happiness. It is my desire that you be filled with my happiness and joy programs.  Care for me, and I will happily take all worry and caring from you, and I will make you wealthy.

Sign Here: ___________________


Please see my next post: Self Forgiveness on The Informer

Day 67 - The Non-Religious Character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to observe religious behavior in others, and judge them as 'false' and 'religious', while not facing or realizing the point within myself that ANY belief is a religion, thus whenever I lay claim to a definition of myself as 'anti-religious' or 'atheist' or 'agnostic' or 'an authentic believer/person' in order to validate my character, I realize that I myself am playing a character in my self-created unique religion of self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to study and memorize the beliefs of others so that I can repeat those beliefs as if I found or created them for myself, when all they were was a copy of a script for the play of my character in my mind, used to deceive myself and others in the overarching grand belief that life is to be lived as a spiteful character who supports lies and false appearances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to study how people of authority are valued by others, and so pretend to be wise myself, as a copy of those I have seen as having significant influence on others - in an attempt to increase the value and validity of my own character so I can continue to hide from myself and promote opinionated, one-dimensional beliefs based on fear and greed - in spite of myself and what is best for all. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Identify myself with those in authority and devise ways to get their attention in unique ways, so that I can be seen by others interacting with that person in order to gain credibility, status and power over programmable sheep who will in turn propagate my beliefs in an infinite cycle of abuse, to the detriment of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to kiss ass when around those of authority, perceived influence or 'power', so that I may be perceived as a figure of wisdom, intelligence and authority myself, in an attempt to inflate and validate my false character, in self-hate and self-delusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid, and spitefully talk down to, those who do not appear to hold value - in the eyes of those I wish to deceive with my character, and in so relish in the energetic rush I get from thinking and believing I am better than another, in my false identity and perceived ability to pass a knowledge or opinion based judgement on another.
   
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make subtle, and insulting jokes towards those who do not hold the same values as my character holds.  I realize that my jokes are an attempt to demean and devalue one who does not appreciate the value and all the hard work I put into creating my false character.  I realize that these jokes are tactful and often used in front of those whom have no integrity and will laugh because I laughed, thus validating the humorous side of my character, which gives my character the appearance of depth and of being well rounded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use name dropping of people who are influential, and perceived by others as powerful or strong in character, in order that I may be attributed by others as having influence myself, in my own false character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote charitable and/or activist causes, so that I can appears to be a person who is concerned with the well being of others, or humanity as a whole, yet I am secretly only concerned about my own character, and how that false entity is perceived by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to promote my vast knowledge on subjects that will grant my character more credibility with others, by memorizing and regurgitating information, and trendy catch phrases that guarantee a positive or humorous reaction amongst those who cannot distinguish the false character from the physical being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to keep up to date with the latest trends, so as to appear to be on the crest of evolutionary understanding by way of promoting the most recent information, which my character believes, will give me honor with those I hold in high regard, yet I have spitefully used that information to leverage myself against those I perceived to be weak, and of less value than my character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wear clothing that will make me appear to be in line with the authority figure of my preference, whom I have idolized as being powerful and righteous in my mind as my puffed up ego of illusionary fantasy, while in actuality, my character cares nothing, as to him, life is just a game to be played, and winning is all that matters.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to surround myself with 'lost puppies' whom have little integrity in order to appear to have a following, yet when an opportunity arises to mingle with those of higher authority occurs, I will ditch the lost puppies and act as if I barely knew them at all because I, as my character, only value the appearance of authenticity.

7yr Journey to Life - Day 39 - Savior Syndrome

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the Savior in my life where I have attempted to save people, plants, animals and physical objects from the starting point of trying to be a good person.  I realize that this is not being honest with myself because I am attempting to play a hero in my mind when the real issue of what is necessary to be done is neglected, rendering me in-effective in the grand scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and save things in my life from the starting point of 'fear of death/fear of loss.  I realize that in this I am attempting to escape the consequences I have created for myself by playing the 'good person' role, in the hopes that someone will notice and promote me to a position of power.  I realize this is self-sabotage and irresponsibility to myself because I am not directing myself in the best and most effective way that I am able, and so I end up placing my trust outside of myself which is self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and save myself through saving up money as my savings account.  I realize what I am doing is hoarding and robbing myself in fear of the inevitability of facing the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as my world and reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to save myself from facing conflict within my world and reality, attempting to avoid responsibility in fear of creating negative consequences for myself.  .  In this I realize that I am creating further consequence through allowing myself to be directed and controlled by fear instead of me directing myself here in what is necessary to be done from the starting point of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am doing good by giving to charities and organizations that promote good, when in fact those organizations only perpetuate and  prolong cycles of enslavement through the polarizing of good and bad people, ideas and beliefs which do not serve life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself to the brink of annihilation through trying to save myself through deliberate self-deception of what I was doing all along - as promoting my own good feelings and self-interest above what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of myself - thereby sabotaging myself - through doing good deeds from the starting point of leveraging my reputation for fame, personal glorification and monetary rewards.

I commit myself to expose all Savior syndrome constructs within myself and others so that all may be aligned in the best interest of all and not individuals.

I commit myself to change myself to be the directive principle of my life as opposed to allowing myself to be directed and controlled by fears

I commit myself to use myself and what is here in the best and most effective way possible that would serve the interest of stopping abuse in my world and so change my world to align with the principle of that which is best for all.

I commit myself to expose all 'good deeds' such as charitable organizations for what they really are - as irresponsible and greed driven in that they only perpetuate abuse through dishonest practices and derailing self-responsibility and self-accountability.

Day 18 - Understanding Equality for Christians

Being a former 'born again' Christian of 15 years myself, I would like to take this opportunity to relate some of the points as to how a 'Christian' can understand Equality and what questions to ask oneself to realize the nature of ones belief system.  Firstly, I would like to make a point of saying that I have no pity for those who do not have the courage to question their god and their belief system.  After all, it is your own belief that says hell is for the fearful.


Question #1 - Regarding the Foundational Belief in Hell.

Ask yourself, do I really want some people to go to hell and suffer for eternity?  Because by accepting that belief as 'gods law' you are accepting it yourself as a just punishment for non-believers.  Add to the fact that you don't really know who will go to 'hell', it could be your closest loved one for all you know.  Is this world not already a living hell for many that come into this world just to starve to death or suffer continual abuse?  If God really did love humans, why would he require the fear of hell to persuade people to love him back?


Question #2 - Regarding Knowing God or Jesus

Many Christians will claim they 'know' God or Jesus as a self-confirmation that they are different from 'religious' people who claim to be Christians but do not follow the lifestyle of being a strong believer.  There are 2 definitions of the word 'know' in the bible. One is to have acquaintance as a friend, and the other is to have an intimate sexual relationship.  Many Christians will claim they have an intimate relationship through the 'holy spirit'.  From my observations in the church, I could see many who were having strong 'energetic' experiences claiming it was the spirit of God.  So is God then energy? The word 'know' actually represents knowledge - as in the tree of knowledge as opposed to the tree of Life. So Christians with knowledge of God are merely projecting an image of how they would imagine God to be based on their preprogrammed knowledge.


Question #3 - Regarding Predestination

It is mentioned twice in the new testament that we are in fact predestined.  So what is predestination?  Is it not simply a program?  So therefore you are in fact a living program locked into a future that you cannot change.  What would be the purpose of faith then if it is already predestined?  Most would say it is to learn about God, however, this would be nonsense because you only experience God as energy as the holy spirit.  So are you not in fact a slave to God's destiny as the energy based program?  How do you know God will not run another program for you when you die and go to 'heaven'?

Question #4 - Regarding Heaven

There is very little written in the bible about heaven.  It says that the streets are paved with gold.  Personally, I always thought that was ridiculous and I wouldn't even have an interest in going to a place like that.  I would much rather have rocks and trees and rivers and oceans and mountains... like here on earth in the physical.  What are you going to do in heaven?  Bowing and Singing praise to God all the time?  Would that not get boring after a while?  Why can we not agree to create heaven on earth through living the principle of what is best for all?  Would a real God not want what is best for all as living as Equals instead of a master/slave relationship?  After all, was it not God who confused our languages when building the tower of babel because he said 'nothing would be impossible to them'?  Is that not biblical proof that we could create heaven on earth?

Question #5 - Regarding Gods Forgiveness of Sin

You realize that you are sinning all the time either openly or in your secret mind.  That being the case, being a Christian, you are subject to the 'mercy' of God all the time, and you cannot change yourself because you are predestined and he has to forgive you - you cannot forgive yourself.  You are thus his complete slave and he your master.  Was it not God who hardened the heart of Pharaoh to cause him to sin against God?  Why do you believe he will not do the same to you?  Why do you give your trust and life to a God that you don't actually know as a physical being?



Equality is the ultimate self-realization where we do not have to fear hell or believe in a god or heaven as separate from ourselves, but we realize that we are co-creators in this world and as such, we must stand to take responsibility for what we have accepted and allowed to exist as us here.  It is easy to just give up on yourself and place your trust and life in god, but to trust yourself and to stand for life, that is a real challenge to yourself that has an actual, physical outcome that can be measured by our very breath.  Instead of repeating phrases from a 2000 yr old book, I speak words as me here in self-honesty in standing - not in self interest - but for that which is best for All.

Ask yourself these questions and feel free to respond if you have further questions or comments.

Thanks for reading!