The topic I selected was - My Fear
The card in the center represents the attitude you assume. The Lovers, when reversed: Inner strife, frustration, suspicion, and disagreements in a relationship. Irresponsibility and indecision. Avoiding true intimacy in favor of lust. Unfaithfulness.
As the resulting consequence of what I accepted and allowed in the past, in fear of facing myself, I trusted god, and so denied myself completely, and ran from myself in the hope that God would take care of everything, I naively believed I just had to trust him and I could cast all my worries aside. Heaven was there waiting for me. I took on many heroic characters in my mind to avoid facing myself, relishing in fantastical imaginations that covered, pacified and justified the inner oppression of myself. I was a complete fool, and I knew it. I justified the fool character as the essential adversary to the world which I hated - but what I did not face, is that I was hating myself, and now I reap what I have sewn for myself.
At least I had a chance to see and understand myself in the greater picture, to finally understand Equality... and so say my piece.
This is not a sob story, or a surrender. I have done much self forgiveness on these points and will continue to do so. This is facing the reality that self forgiveness does not change the situation unless all change, and still the consequences of the past must be faced, however harsh, there comes a point when consequences can become very demanding... as money still rules the big game, and if you don't have it, you are virtually worthless and helpless in the world.
The card to the right represents the thoughts and feelings that underly your attitudes. The World, when reversed: Incompleteness and shoddy design. A great work betrayed. Insecurity, fear of change, and the failure to reach goals. Regret and disappointment.
My goal was to find the truth, what use was living life based on a lie? Whatever cost I didn't care, even if the cost was myself. I deliberately avoided becoming successful, as I knew that being successful entailed accepting and serving a system based in abuse. I thought it would be more fun being poor. Seeing it from my characters perspective in self-interest of course, although I covered that up with the 'caring person' character. And so I assumed the role of the good and faithful servant of god, partly to alleviate the tremendous guilt I had. I was very naive, believing all the prophecies people would tell me about myself, believing myself to be 'special' and 'chosen' by god for a great purpose... lol. It all sounded very cool... What a sucker I was. I really had it coming.
As for other goals that I had, they were minor, and the choices I made simply did not turn out in my favor, and I did allow fears to get the best of me. Sure I regret many things and would have done things differently. Regret however is useless, as is disappointment, and hope.
The card at the top represents how your attitude is evolving and will evolve in the future. Ten of Swords (Ruin): Crushing defeat brought about by idle intellectualism divorced from reality. Sadness and desolation in the aftermath of a catastrophic and total collapse. A decisive conclusion brought about through the swift and merciless application of overwhelming force.
When the money runs out, as it most assuredly will, this is the future we all face. Just look around. Does the world care about homeless or starving people? Clearly not. Charity is a pathetic excuse. The only ones that are protected are the ones who are in positions of authority, given value by corporations and a corrupt system. If people in the world actually cared, Desteni would have had a million followers by now, and we would be on our way to transforming the world. Looks like the only way we will realize is the hard way.
The card to the left represents how others perceive your attitude. Ten of Wands (Oppression), when reversed: Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry. Noble leadership restrained from transforming into tyranny. Bearing the weight of ultimate responsibility without being crushed. Through careful conservation of their fuel, the engines of creation continue onward.
Oh yes the excuse that I'm taking on the weight of the world. If everyone pitched in just a little bit we could actually do something. The fears really have people in a stranglehold. We face them all eventually, and the consequences, so I don't see the point in putting it off... comfort disappears very quickly.
The card at the bottom represents what you cannot confront or are hiding from yourself. Three of Wands (Virtue), when reversed: Pride and arrogance. Convincing oneself that the ends justify the means. A great act of betrayal set in motion. Sinking to the level of an opponent. The vain quest for glory and a personal spotlight. Charity or friendship offered with intent of material gain.
The Pride character.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be proud in thinking that I am special in any way, in that I think I am better than anyone because I realize and understand Equality. I realize that it is not just understanding, but actual application of myself in taking responsibility to become life and live what is best for all absolutely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I could change the world, when actually fear is far more prevalent and ingrained in the minds of people than I had considered, so much that people cannot even take a stand on Equality one way or the other, in fear of stepping out of character.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as this character William, to think that I have achieved anything to be proud of, when there is absolutely nothing in this world or all of existence to be proud of. All is a Shameful, Fear-filled Disgrace of Life and a Lie.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of arrogance, wherein I believed the lies that everything would be ok, god would solve everything, I could just deny myself and the physical existence did not matter in the end as long as I played by god's rules, he would take responsibility for me and send all the evil people to hell.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arrogantly believe that I could do everything on my own without the help of others. I realize that I can do many things on my own, but eventually, the system of gangs as cults of corporations, governments, businesses and families overpower through money, contracts and relationships as the spite of Life.
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