Day 156 - Monkey On My Back

For many years I have been my own monkey on my back, dragging myself down with the extra weight of guilt and self-judgments, catering to memories of the past in attempt to right the massive wrong I experienced within and as myself - That I could not deny, only hide inside myself.


I could clearly see the disappointment I was becoming to myself, yet I attributed it to Gods will, Gods divine plan...  Gods purpose..., Gods problem... the fault of everyone, and so Gods fault.  I acted out on the revenge I sought within myself by sabotaging myself, sacrificing myself at the alter of my belief in God to try and get a reaction from God.  See no evil, Speak no evil, Hear no evil.  Although I did learn some things along the way, the problem only got worse and worse, as I clung with desperate hope to the idea that someday, somehow it would all be accounted for, people would pay for this neglect, and so it would all be made right again.  Here is my shit thrown in my face... for not trusting myself, and for placing my trust in an idea that someone told me to believe.  Eventually I was able to forgive myself for this, but I was too messed up inside to fix myself or realize the extent of the problem.


I can understand that this may have been necessary for me to realize myself here, so it's all I can do now to walk this process of self-honesty.  Yet the question remains - Who the fuck am I now ? I don't even really know myself, I mean... I believe I know myself, as the idea in my head of who I should or could be, but that is not me, it is illusion.  My egotistical mind still wanting to play the hero character.  That is how I got into shit in the first place, trying to be the hero rather than realizing myself as an Equal in my reality.  I have never actually lived absolutely as myself, as Equal to myself, as Equal to the physical and all of existence.  


Thankfully I was able to realize the Desteni message, and I mean exceedingly thankful, as I would not trade this understanding of myself for anything in the world, literally.  To now have the opportunity to establish an honest relationship with myself is a rather humbling experience, yet the reward of self-honesty is beyond all compare... it is never fully realized, as it always continues to give, and continues to grow beyond the capacity of our limited minds to understand.  If we imagine heaven as blissful experience, well then certainly the greatest bliss to be found in this world full of suffering, is to stop the cause of suffering at the source, and so prevent the abuse of Life.


Join the Journey to Life as we Dump the Monkeys off our backs and walk the Process of extracting the Parasite that Leeches off our existence, and prevents us from Creating Heaven on Earth, as it should be for Everyone.


Artwork credited to - http://www.spraygraphic.com/ViewProject/2297/normal.html

Day 70 - Re-writing the sugar point

Directing myself here in the moment as breath as me.  No preparation.  I am here.  This is the point to walk as myself.  All points that do not align with me standing as Equality reveal themselves, and if I am here, the point to direct will be here, to be directed and aligned with Equality in the moment, breath by breath I walk me out of consequence and into life.  Here I write the words to be lived and put into action.  Here is where I honor my commitment to myself to stand and become life.  All or nothing.  Words are easy to say, but to live all my words requires self-discipline.  There is still some resistances I have to push within my application.  I just yawned 3 times and put both hands on my face.  Just yawned again.  Facing myself as the mind wanting me to stop and rest and my mind not wanting me to write, as then my secrets are exposed.  I direct myself here to write myself, I will not accept and allow myself to be directed and controlled by tiredness.

The sugar point came up today, I am still allowing myself to eat too much sugar.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the desire for sugar and so fall prey to the addiction which is harmful to my physical body.  When and as I see myself desiring sugar, I stop and clear my starting point.  I direct myself to support my body and stop harming myself through consumption of harmful products that taste good yet do not support my physical body.  I realize that this sugar point is self-abuse as I am aware of the consequences of too much sugar.  Therefore I stop myself here. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify to myself why I need sugar/chocolate.  I realize that justifications are not me directing myself here as breath, but thoughts that my mind uses to control me and divert my attention away from myself so I do not stand and be self-honest within the point of considering my whole body and what it requires to eat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel down on myself if I do not eat something sweet after a meal.  I realize that this is a point which comes from a memory of when I was at a friends house, in the kitchen when I overheard his mother saying 'I am going to die if I do not have something sweet to eat' which was after dinner.  Thus I associated the point of 'desiring to have something sweet after dinner' as the idea that 'this will give me pleasure'.  This is not the case whatsoever, because my body goes into reaction when I eat sugar, thus my body does not need or require sweet things to eat after dinner, rather this is harmful for my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping sugar.  I realize that this fear is not who I am, as it is within the idea that I cannot stop myself based on past experiences where I found stopping sugar to be 'difficult'.  I realize that it is not difficult, I create the idea that it is difficult through my fear that I cannot stop.  Sugar is not best for all of my body, therefore I do not support this relationship I have formed with sugar.

I commit myself to face the sugar point within myself.  When and as I see the desire for sugar, I stop and clear my starting point within breath, I state myself as 'here'.  I take authority to direct myself within my decision to honor my agreement with myself as my physical body to stop the addiction to sugar.  Sugar is a fleeting experience as taste that I must face and deal with before the consequence forces me to the point where I have no other choice but to stop.

I commit myself to when and as I see my mind try and justify itself in directing me to have sweets, I stop and clear my starting point to here.  I direct myself in the moment of breath to consider and do what is best for all of my physical body.

I commit myself to realize that I must take responsibility for my self-created addictions, and in so, eat responsibly what my body needs and to not eat as a form of escaping myself, but eat what supports my body when actually required.

I commit myself to walk the process of directing myself and facing myself in each moment within the realization of what is necessary for my body and to not compromise myself within the justification of good taste, which is in polarity to bad taste yet has no relevance to what is actually supporting me and what is harmful for me. 

I commit myself to walk this point I have realized for myself into living application of myself, proving to myself that I am able to change, to realize myself within self-honesty.  To realize what I have missed of myself through succumbing to the addiction to sugar.

Any point can be walked with self-commitment as self-support in the starting point of Equalizing myself in self-honesty

7yr Journey to Life - Day 38 - Sugar Point

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to eat foods that I know will damage and have repercussions for my body.  I realize that syrup/sugar laden foods are poisonous to me, with the evidence being my body reacting and showing me my irresponsibility through headaches after I eat too much syrup/sugar laden foods.  I also realize that syrop/sugar laden foods are an addiction in that I am attempting to 'feel good' through eating what 'tastes good' - yet what 'tastes good' is not necessarily good nutritionally for my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - when I go to the grocery store, buy items in fear that if I do not buy them, I will not have them when I get cravings. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not having sugar in my house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will have to pay more money if I do not buy sweets at the grocery store, and therefore have to buy them at a convenience store which costs more money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stopping my addiction to sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I can not stop myself in my addiction to sugar

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make excuses to myself about why I NEED sugar, when I DO NOT NEED SUGAR to support my body.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that the effects of sugar within me are tiredness, headaches, energy fluctuations and increased body weight.  Not to mention all the other negative effects sugar has in my internal organs to which I am unaware.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to neglect my body through addiction to sugar.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to treat my stomach like a garbage dump, in eating foods that are too greasy causing acid reflux and not chewing my food enough.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that by stopping my addiction to sugar, I may enjoy eating nutritional food that supports my body without harmful side effects such as what happens when I eat syrop/sugar laden foods.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire eating as something to do to escape myself when there are many ways in which I could be applying myself.  I realize that in trying to escape myself, I am not taking full responsibility for myself in each moment, but seeking comfort in self interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pushing myself to work at the computer in the fear that I can not produce anything of value.  I realize that this fear is not real because there is much that I can do to support myself and my world effectively through blogging, vlogging, commenting, creating and sharing myself and my realizations.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear getting tired in front of the computer, therefore not pushing my resistance to stick with it, in getting things done that need to be done.

I commit myself to push my resistance of the sugar habit in every moment until I no longer have an addiction to sweets/syrup/sugar.

I commit myself take responsibility for what foods I put into my body so that I no longer eat within self-interest, but eat that which supports my body, not as an addiction, but as self-support.

I commit myself to self-honesty in pushing my resistances with regards to fearing 'what I will require' while shopping at the grocery store.

I commit myself to understanding that when I have fully stopped my addiction to sugar, I will enjoy eating more because I will not be eating within addiction, but eating foods that support my body rather than harm myself as an act of self-sabotage and abuse through eating sugars.

I commit myself to self-awareness of what I am putting into my body and why, wherein each moment I am aware of whether I am acting within addiction or acting within self-direction as myself as what is best for all.

7yr Journey to Life - Day 27 - Love

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I could experience love for myself while the rest of the world suffers.  And in so, I justified my personal and selfish desire for love through the excuse -  'It's to big for me to understand' - 'there's nothing I can do about it' and 'it's too scary for me to consider'.  Never allowing myself to realize and understand that all the fictitious bandage excuses I used were only a cover up, and never able to stop my addiction to the desire to experience love - in spite of the big picture - I always knew my love wasn't real, the evidence was all around me, every moment of my existence, I was just too afraid to face who I am for real, and in so, I denied who I am, and traded my eternal self for a morphine high, subject to the ultimate low of death, as complete self-denial.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that there is a spiritual 'heart of love' out there somewhere, in the great beyond, that has accounted for - numbered, and made a record of, all my feelings of love that I had in my life, so that I in my selfish mind, could use these thoughts of love to comfort myself in thinking that I lived a good life - because I felt feelings of love.  Yet I never allowed myself to realize that these feelings of love can only exist within a physical body - therefore when my body dies, all my love DIES with it - completely proving that my love was never real, but only fleeting feelings of selfishness to cover my guilt and shame of who I had accepted and allowed myself to become - as a self-deceiver that did not give my whole life to expose spite, and honor all life Equally.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe the lie that love is forever, when in fact love is subject to time and death, and cannot exist without me or the earth - as a physical expression of me, as life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that my love is sweet and caring, when in fact, my love has only the appearance of sweetness, but it is a deadly poisoned apple, seducing and killing all who eat it through a slow and painful death by corruption.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my love as bait to lure others into my traps of guilt, shame and desire for revenge I experienced within myself, so that I could have company in my judgement against life, sighting legalities and false justifications, in my self-denial, misery and deceitfulness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deceive myself through thinking that I wanted love when what I really wanted was sex, as an energy high to pacify my irresponsibility to life.



I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become entranced and enchanted with thoughts of love and delight, seeking nothing but fulfillment of selfish desire, in full awareness of how I was injecting hatred and enmity into all of existence as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to celebrate the lie of love, and in so manifest the extreme polarity as murder, rape and killing in my world because I laughingly accepted my own lie, thinking I could somehow escape myself, and would not have to face the consequences of what I had allowed myself to become.     

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that I am brave because I accepted the lie of love, I am brave because I can deny myself,  I am brave because I see fear in the reactions of others, I am brave because I can cheat death,  'I must be a supreme God' because I can abuse love - when the reality is no one is able to cheat death, as the manifested consequence of what we have allowed through the belief in love - which is spite - as fear of self.

I commit myself to expose the lie of love and its deception which is used by Hollywood, media, and corporations to sell more products to fuel consumerism for profit resulting in the corruption of life and the destruction of our planet.

I commit myself to live myself here as breath in every moment facing myself for who I am as a physical being that does not require love from an outside source.  I embrace, support and care for myself as I embrace, support and care for all life as changing myself and our world into a place where life is honored in Equality

I commit myself to stand for and support the only solution that will bring us out of the massive problems and consequences we face in our world.  Equal Money for All.

I commit myself to bring awareness of Equality to those who do not fully understand the deception propagated by corporations, Hollywood, media and politicians in our world through blogging and sharing and becoming a living example of what is best for all

I commit myself to give all of myself to Life as Equality as breath as aligning myself with the physical in all ways so that I may become the living expression of life, Equal and One, until it is done.