Day 156 - Monkey On My Back

For many years I have been my own monkey on my back, dragging myself down with the extra weight of guilt and self-judgments, catering to memories of the past in attempt to right the massive wrong I experienced within and as myself - That I could not deny, only hide inside myself.


I could clearly see the disappointment I was becoming to myself, yet I attributed it to Gods will, Gods divine plan...  Gods purpose..., Gods problem... the fault of everyone, and so Gods fault.  I acted out on the revenge I sought within myself by sabotaging myself, sacrificing myself at the alter of my belief in God to try and get a reaction from God.  See no evil, Speak no evil, Hear no evil.  Although I did learn some things along the way, the problem only got worse and worse, as I clung with desperate hope to the idea that someday, somehow it would all be accounted for, people would pay for this neglect, and so it would all be made right again.  Here is my shit thrown in my face... for not trusting myself, and for placing my trust in an idea that someone told me to believe.  Eventually I was able to forgive myself for this, but I was too messed up inside to fix myself or realize the extent of the problem.


I can understand that this may have been necessary for me to realize myself here, so it's all I can do now to walk this process of self-honesty.  Yet the question remains - Who the fuck am I now ? I don't even really know myself, I mean... I believe I know myself, as the idea in my head of who I should or could be, but that is not me, it is illusion.  My egotistical mind still wanting to play the hero character.  That is how I got into shit in the first place, trying to be the hero rather than realizing myself as an Equal in my reality.  I have never actually lived absolutely as myself, as Equal to myself, as Equal to the physical and all of existence.  


Thankfully I was able to realize the Desteni message, and I mean exceedingly thankful, as I would not trade this understanding of myself for anything in the world, literally.  To now have the opportunity to establish an honest relationship with myself is a rather humbling experience, yet the reward of self-honesty is beyond all compare... it is never fully realized, as it always continues to give, and continues to grow beyond the capacity of our limited minds to understand.  If we imagine heaven as blissful experience, well then certainly the greatest bliss to be found in this world full of suffering, is to stop the cause of suffering at the source, and so prevent the abuse of Life.


Join the Journey to Life as we Dump the Monkeys off our backs and walk the Process of extracting the Parasite that Leeches off our existence, and prevents us from Creating Heaven on Earth, as it should be for Everyone.


Artwork credited to - http://www.spraygraphic.com/ViewProject/2297/normal.html

Day 71 - Self-Responsibility to Life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create a character of responsibility of myself rather than stand as self-responsibility as myself here in every moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to deny my responsibilities through postponement, in not wanting to face points within myself that require direction.  In doing so, I realize that I am abdicating my responsibility to myself and denying myself self-responsibility as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my responsibility to life, but through my opinion of responsibility, I fooled myself into believing that I was responsible and so never pushed myself to the point of actually living responsibility as myself here in every moment of every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see responsibility as something separate from me here in each moment, wherein, I could easily deny self-responsibility because I could always fall back on my character as the idea that I was responsible, yet unless I live responsibility here in each moment, I am not yet fully responsible to life, but only taking part of my responsibility, and so accepting myself as 'less than' through my belief of me as a character of responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that me being here in every breath is the point of self-responsibility, where I am not acting within a predefined idea of what responsibility is, but rather deal with each situation that manifests in my reality so I can deal with it here as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to prepare myself for taking responsibility through thinking "what would I do if" and so then imagining how my character would portray himself in the movie of my mind which is not real.  I realize that me walking in breath moment to moment is the act of taking responsibility to stop my mind of thoughts and to stop being directed by feelings and emotions which only serve the illusion of me as a character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fake responsibility through thoughts of how I could be responsible in my mind, thus bolstering my mind characters ego and creating another layer of myself in my mind which has to be investigated, stopped, cleared through self-forgiveness, and walked out of in corrective application so that I can stop time-looping myself into oblivion.

I commit myself to push myself to take on more responsibilities for myself so that I can walk myself into changing and challenging myself rather than being charged with the consequences of not taking self-responsibility for myself as all as Equal.

I commit myself to create myself as the living word in the flesh

I commit myself re-define myself through words until no more definition is required, as all is Equal, and undefinable.

I commit myself to stop all definitions and characterizations of myself as being self-responsible.  I realize this is of no use whatsoever, and that self-responsibility is to become the living flesh without mind chatter.

I commit myself to beware of the responsibility character and all his facets, traits, attributes and false appearances within myself

I commit myself to devote myself to living self-responsibility as myself in each moment of breath, that way I walk responsibility here through practical living, in facing each and every point that must be dealt with and stopping all delusional fears which place me in time loops and limit me in my ability to take self-responsibility for real.

I commit myself face my responsibilities in each moment as they require direction from me, because I am the One that has created this mess on this planet and in this existence, therefore I am the One that can and must clean it up, and I am the One that will decide when and how life will be born for real in the physical, as I am the One, as life, as Equal, as all - who makes all the decisions to create Life as what is best for all.

For further reference please see:
http://creationsjourneytolife.blogspot.com/
and
http://heavensjourneytolife.blogspot.com/p/timeline.html

Williams 7yr Journey to Life - Day 56 - Time Traveling

Within my process I've become acutely aware of the ups and downs.  One day there is a feeling of up, the next its down, with even shorter intervals at times.  The most seemingly benign things can trigger ups and downs.  Something someone says, or I see a picture or something else will prompt a thought to come up, and I will reflect on it from a future perspective - as a projection, in comparing myself to someone or something - and I then create an idea of the 'best case scenario', or the 'worst case scenario'.

Thus jumping from one time dimension to another, in fear of 'what may or may not happen' in the future - all based on my past programmed thoughts and ideas.

What I really need to do is write things out immediately when they come up, that way I can trap my feelings in one dimension - here - so that I can see it and deconstruct it without the thought and feeling 'fleeing' away, only to come back at another time if it is not dealt with in the moment.

One trigger today was a picture of myself.  A thought came up that I am getting old, and so that triggered regret that I have not accomplished that which I would have liked to accomplish yet in this life - as transcending all points of self-dishonesty and standing Equal to all, here, in and as my physical body.

Another trigger further compounded the first, where I had a reaction to a perspective and judged myself as 'not being honest enough with myself yet.  This then triggered discouragement which triggered frustration, which triggered tiredness, which triggered neglect. 

Within these triggered points there also opened up other points.  I am still not living up to my expectations, and or the projected image of myself. I am desiring to be perfect in my process, yet this desire is a deception, because I am using it as a crutch, as a graven image which gives me a good feeling about myself, which I use to encourage myself - in polarity - in which case I inevitably fall into the opposite polarity of discouragement.

So it is time to drop the image so I can sort out what is here, step by step, breath by breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an image of myself in my mind into the future based on my past so that I may manipulate myself into giving myself a good feeling and in so attempt to encourage myself within the polarity game of encouragement/discouragement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value and compare myself to the image I have constructed of myself within my mind as an idea, where I actually deny what is here and use this future projection as a point and means to blame others as 'not being as good as me', and in so compromise my self-honesty and create further consequences for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the image of myself I have created in my mind in fear of what others will think of me.  This also in fear of consequences that will play out instead of me being here and facing myself within writing so that I can trap and see the points in written format without them fleeing away in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the best case/worst case scenario in my mind and so react to those mind scenarios which create further cycles and time-loops within my process of self-realization.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate to write out points for myself as soon as I am able, so that I may see how I am hiding from myself, and so creating more cycles within which I am not being honest with myself and dealing with what is here as me, in and as the physical, moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be liked or be seen as special where I have created ideas and images of myself in my mind so that I may have good feelings about myself without investigating and understanding what the outflow effect of these ideas and images will be. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be a hero in my mind where I am thinking I can, and trying to do everything by myself and so putting myself through unnecessary stress and anxiety. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to prepare myself for what points that I must face within my day and week in a structured and disciplined manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the first option that comes to mind - as opposed to having patience to explore what other opportunities are available - without unnecessarily aversion to making a decision.

I commit myself to structuring, organizing and prioritizing my days and weeks so that I may prepare myself for the points that I know I have to face within my daily participation, and so be ready to address them and deal with them appropriately in the moment.

I commit myself to physical walking of my process within breath, so that I am constantly dealing with what is here in and as my physical process.

I commit myself to face points that come up as soon as I am able so that I can deal with them before more points are triggered, and so i can stop the cycle before it starts.

I commit myself keeping my process simple through effective writing and establishing myself within and as self-trust. 



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Day 16 - Fear of Being Here

After reading Gian's blog, I realized the hidden conversations I have been having lately in my mind.  I was justifying them as 'working myself out' within my process.  The hidden fear within my justifications was that I am afraid of having to 'do the work' of actually directing every action that I do, and every word that I speak as equal to who I am here as a physical being.  I am afraid of facing the fact that I am currently not directing every single action that I am doing within my physical experience.

Inter-arrestingly, I fear not being able to 'rest'.  In so, I deny the rest of myself, and allow unrest to exist within me and my world through my personal desire for comfort and rest.  

I am not referring to issues where I have to common sensically figure things out such as 'how will I repair my truck' or 'how many such and such I will need for this job' etc.

I am referring to the conversations in my head where I try to justify my ego/personality thinking processes out of fear, instead of applying self-forgiveness when they arise, as investigating and stopping myself from being controlled by thoughts.  I am a physical being, and so apart from practical living responsibilities that require calculations, I do not need a judge in my head to tell me I am 'right' or 'wrong'. 

When I think I am 'right' - I am automatically 'wrong' by default, because I participated in the polarity design thought process, where one creates the other as cause and effect.

Why do I fear taking responsibility for each thought that arise and direct myself to do Self-Forgiveness and walk the physical correction? 

For myself, it is the fear of being honest with myself, fear of admitting to myself that I was 'wrong'.  Reluctance to go back and have to re-walk the point where I fucked up.  I seem to prefer to believe that I am right in my mind because it makes me feel better about myself, instead of sticking to my commitment of aligning myself with the physical as being here, constantly and consistently without thought judgements and justifications.

It seems so much easier to just forget about it.  But each time I miss the opportunity to transcend the 'desire to be right', the desire to be a 'hero in my mind' and so continue to exist as a 'mind robot' enslaved to a personality construct. 

I just had the thought now "gawd I hope this gets easier" lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my mind conversations as 'working myself out' in my mind, where I realize that those points that come up must be addressed and forgiven so I can walk the correction of just being here in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I don't think about things, I will not understand myself and perhaps miss a point about myself. Yet if I simply direct myself in everything I do as breath as the physical, that is how I will transcend all ego and self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not worthy of becoming life here as the physical in the polarity design of believing that I am less than the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear directing myself as purely physical here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become because I fear the consequences of what I have allowed.  I realize that I must face the consequences regardless, so there is no point in fearing what is already here.  The only way to stop further consequence is to stop my ego and become purely physical here in living what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear torture and pain and death, as that is fear of self and thus pointless.  I embrace myself here so I can change what I have allowed myself to become and support equality of life in all ways to actually stop torture pain and death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to rest in the desire for personal comfort while others suffer in my world.  I realize that comfort and rest can only be real if all are able to be comfortable and rest equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong and desiring to be right in my head.  I realize that this fear and desire is based on a polarity design that only exists within my self-created fantasy world of imagination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear 'doing the work' to perfect myself as standing absolutely within and as the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-correction as 'work' as enslavement when actually self-correction is the opposite as stopping the enslavement as work so I can free myself as all of existence from the enslavement to systems of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am right so I can have a good feeling about myself rather than actually face myself and walk the correction and change myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the commitment I have made to myself as standing for equality and what is best for all until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a hero in my mind where I am the winner that must be worshiped as a god in deluded self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the design of 'hope' where I only hope to transcend my ego rather than actually facing the points here as and when they come up as thoughts, judgements and justifications within me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'Gawd, I hope this gets easier', while in reality as the physical, there is only what is here as not existing within a definition of 'hard' or 'easy' but me as having the opportunity to face myself and correct myself here within and as breath in each new moment until I live what is best for all in every way.