Day 65 - Embarrassment

Embarrassment is a subtle, and seemingly harmless construct, yet it is a crucial starting point to be aware of, as an acceptance and allowance of fear. In my fear of embarrassment, I hid from myself and denied myself physical expression. The more I can embrace situations that would typically be embarrassing, the more I am able to express myself in the physical, and free myself from the fear of myself.

How could I have been such a fool?  How could I have allowed myself to cower in fear of myself?  I cannot remember how it happened exactly from the start, however an example has come to mind...

When I was young, there was one evening where me and my 2 brothers were outside. Strangely, 3 girls came along. It was really weird, they were the same age as us, and the same height as the three of us - 1 tall, 1 medium height, and 1 short and younger.  I recall this experience, because we talked for a while, and I desperately wanted to get closer, and be more intimate with the tall girl (not sexually as I was too young for that at the time, around 12) .  I became quite uncomfortable in myself, as the blatantly obvious fact that I could not overcome my fears to express myself in front of everyone.  I was afraid of what would happen if I said something, what would my brothers think of me?  What if I embarrassed myself?  I didn't know what would happen. All of the justifications came up.  It was like I froze in submission - I refused to say what I felt, preferring to use anger as revenge for my own self-created frustration.  I recall the sinking feeling I had afterwords, the realization that I could not get past my own fears... eek.  Yet while I did not understand the full implications of what was at work, the self-dishonesty right in my face.

So suffice to say, no matter how subtle our fears manifested long ago, it is still no excuse to allow fears to rule over us - Fear is Fear, ego is ego, and dishonesty is dishonesty.  It is very clear cut when one truly looks into oneself.   At least I am able to understand now the implications and terrible consequences of not standing in absolute equality with myself as all.  Yet that is not enough, I must transcend all fear, and stop all dishonesty within myself, and change myself so that I can become equal in every way.  No exceptions and no excuses.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cower in fear, in the fear of myself, fearing the reactions of others - which is me being dishonest with myself in denying and trying to hide what is really going on inside me.  When what is going on within me is not equal to what is going on outside of myself, I stop and breathe, so that I can allow myself to see the consequences of what I am doing in self-honesty.  Is there a fear that I am not facing?  Is what I am participating in aligned with what is best for all?  Am I including or hiding my physical expression equal and one? Understanding that whatever consequences I create, I will have to face myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being embarrassed in front of others, not realizing that in allowing myself to fear embarrassment, I manifest more consequences that result in shame, humiliation, self-deception and abuse. I realize that embarrassment is submission to the mind as ego and false personality.  I am in a mind tantrum because I have not found the courage to face my fears, and so project that frustration onto an imaginary idea of myself where I can blame someone or something for my own failure to be self-honest with myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to fear and be dishonest with myself, where I used justifications to try and escape myself in fear of what others would think - in so making myself a character in my mind, as less than the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as characters as a false image and idea of myself where I could play a game of hide and seek in my mind, enjoying the energetic rush to see who wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply and form relationships with the imaginary characters I created because they gave me a rush of energy that made me feel better - temporarily.  In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize and consider the fact that the temporary good feelings NOT ONLY manifested bad feelings, but manifested my worst nightmare as the shameful and humiliating slow death and destruction of myself and that which gave me life - as the earth as the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to partake in the delusion of the living lie, creating myself as a lie and rejoicing in my own false creation - as opposed to living myself as the living word.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame onto an imaginary entity because I did not express myself. In that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into anger and guilt and shame and more fear, in the realization that I was not able to overcome my fears and express myself in self honesty to myself and others.  

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to realize that the extent of the delusion I was creating would cause tremendous harm and abuse of myself through accepting and allowing fear to be the controlling force that directed me - further and further into self-deception and away from the source of myself - until I became so completely lost to the extent that I did not even recognize myself or what I was doing to myself anymore. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize or consider that the source of all existence IS me, and if I do not align myself with source as what is best for all as me, then I am completely fucked, utterly.

I commit myself to reversing the manifested consequences of what I have accepted and allowed in the past through self-forgiveness and walking the self-correction.

I commit myself to face my fears through writing and applying what I have written in my daily participation in my life.

I commit myself to free myself from enslavement to fear - where I walk myself through the process of self-honesty in to being equal on the inside and the outside, where I do not accept and allow myself to fear shame and humiliation.

I commit myself to do whatever is necessary to assist myself and others in the process of self-realization, so that we can walk together as a group that supports life as Equality, as the best that it can possibly be for everyone... everyone that has the courage to be self-honest inside and out, equal and one, to become life in the face of fear.

Day 60 - Times and Seasons

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subject to energy fluctuations based on the time of day.  I realize that consciousness attempts to dictate my moods and feelings based on the programmed idea of how I should feel like at certain times of the day. My physical body has no preference for time of day, therefore any preference such as 'morning person' or 'night owl' is of the mind.  I realize that any time of day is equal in nature and there are no moods connected and determined by time of day by my physical body.

 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subject to energy fluctuations based on the day of the week.  My physical body does not function by the day of the week, but supports me unconditionally as it supports itself to be here in the present moment as the physical expression of me.  Therefore I am not limited to feeling the ups and downs based on the day of the week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be subject to energy fluctuations based on the seasons or the time of the year.  I realize that while my physical body may feel more comfortable in warm temperatures as opposed to cold, I am equally able to express myself within cold temperatures as well as warm. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced and controlled by feelings based on traditional holidays and celebrations.  I realize that my physical body has no preference for any mind created idea of separation wherein a 'holiday' is created.  All days are equally here as I am here as my physical body.  I direct myself to express myself without having or allowing myself to be directed and controlled by a system of beliefs which seek to determine my moods (as doom) and expression - that would be self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that any day that I am here, I am able to express myself in supporting all life equally.  Through supporting all life as what is best for all, I am supporting myself and bringing myself back to the starting point of myself so that life can be born from the physical as actual real expression of self - not controlled by a system of beliefs and deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in celebrations.  I realize that while my world as me is in tremendous agony - celebration is inconsideration and spiteful towards myself as my world.  How can I celebrate the suffering of billions of people, animals, plants and the entirety of existence?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create times and seasons in separation of myself as the physical.  In doing so I have attempted to understand myself within a definition of myself in separation, when I am here and I have been here all along.  I do not need a definition of myself to exist, as that only diminishes me.  All I need is for me to be honest with myself and to live as Equal to all as what is best for all in all ways always, and I will realize myself and birth myself as life here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on times and seasons and holy-days out of fear of facing and expressing myself.  I realize that all I have to do to realize myself is to take responsibility to face my fears in self-honesty, and if I find I am not being honest with myself, I simply forgive myself, and change myself to live as an Equal in every way.  Living in self-interest is HELL, and I hate it through and through.

I commit myself to direct myself in every moment, as each moment being equal - no time separation.

I commit myself to mess with the system through getting up in the middle of the night and waking someone up... just for the fuck of it.

I commit myself to being equal to my physical body in every way, directing myself in what is here, and changing whatever needs to be changed to align with what is best for all in all ways.

I commit myself to realize that I am the directive principle of myself here, and in so I direct all life as me in what is best for all

I commit myself to expose the deception of the system which has enslaved

I commit myself to take responsibility to express myself as here, as birthing myself in the physical.

I commit myself to assisting everyone I meet, because naturally, if my only reason for living is equality, as what is best for all, every thing I do and say will be directed to support life as Equality until it is done, and no more ignorance, fear or senseless suffering exists within me as my world.

Artwork by hibbary
http://hibbary.deviantart.com/art/Four-Seasons-82254728

Day 20 - What would you do with a Million Dollars?

What images flashed in your head?

Would you explore the world, entertain and be entertained, buy expensive gifts for yourself and others? Would you use all your free time doing things that you enjoy, and so leverage your time to gain fame, recognition, or even more wealth!?  

Most people desire money, because in this current world system, money can buy virtually any desire we have... even love!  Look at the point - If you have money, not only can you survive, but you will have access to all the necessities and luxuries to support your life.  Additionally, you can live a clean, rich and healthy lifestyle, with lots of free time, free from life threatening stresses many without money face in our world daily.  Many people will want to be around you (especially members of the opposite sex) because you have lots of money, even if you are an ass, its really not that hard to put on a fake face and act out a likeable personality - just look around you, everyone is doing it, everyone is a faker for money.  Rather disgusting isn't it.

Oh but you're not a faker you say?   Really?  Take a moment to ask yourself if you have any personal desires such as money, happiness, friends, career, home, travel.

Do you realize that every one of your desires is actually a FEAR in disguise?

Yes, interestingly your desires are not real in fact, because you are living in denial of yourself and supporting your fears, and fear is not real - it is self-deception. 

Money not only changes who you are, but actually DICTATES who you are.  In fact, you are not true to who you really are because of money.  Money - as the manifestation of greed and self-interest - rules this world. It is utterly corrupt and abused, and since we are all subject to money, we too are greedy and corrupted, and so it ruins our lives.  Only we do not see to what extent it does so, because we have been programmed to accept the system as 'just the way it is' and 'unchangeable'.  The truth is, we only accept it as unchangeable because we do not desire to change ourselves - because we see no money in it for us!!

And so the program runs in a loop.  We program our children to be better than others so they can win and get money.  Our children then succumb to personal desires and abuse money in self-interest and fear for their survival.  Through those desires they then accept the system as unchangeable and so fear changing themselves... and so the cycle of abuse continues.  

There is only ONE desire that is not fear based, and that is EQUALITY.  Within Equality and an Equal Money System where everyone's needs are met, we can stop fear and self-interest entirely. We can change ourselves to stop abuse and corruption, and live in the best interest of all.

There is no excuse to live in fear and denial of ourselves.  No excuse for being a faker.  We all reap the consequences if we allow greed and selfish desires to persist.  This leaves only one question: 

Will you stand for all Life within Equality, and support an Equal Money System, or will you try to hide in your selfishness.   My challenge to you is to see past your ego and fears, to stop being a faker and investigate Desteni and Equal Money. 
 

Day 16 - Fear of Being Here

After reading Gian's blog, I realized the hidden conversations I have been having lately in my mind.  I was justifying them as 'working myself out' within my process.  The hidden fear within my justifications was that I am afraid of having to 'do the work' of actually directing every action that I do, and every word that I speak as equal to who I am here as a physical being.  I am afraid of facing the fact that I am currently not directing every single action that I am doing within my physical experience.

Inter-arrestingly, I fear not being able to 'rest'.  In so, I deny the rest of myself, and allow unrest to exist within me and my world through my personal desire for comfort and rest.  

I am not referring to issues where I have to common sensically figure things out such as 'how will I repair my truck' or 'how many such and such I will need for this job' etc.

I am referring to the conversations in my head where I try to justify my ego/personality thinking processes out of fear, instead of applying self-forgiveness when they arise, as investigating and stopping myself from being controlled by thoughts.  I am a physical being, and so apart from practical living responsibilities that require calculations, I do not need a judge in my head to tell me I am 'right' or 'wrong'. 

When I think I am 'right' - I am automatically 'wrong' by default, because I participated in the polarity design thought process, where one creates the other as cause and effect.

Why do I fear taking responsibility for each thought that arise and direct myself to do Self-Forgiveness and walk the physical correction? 

For myself, it is the fear of being honest with myself, fear of admitting to myself that I was 'wrong'.  Reluctance to go back and have to re-walk the point where I fucked up.  I seem to prefer to believe that I am right in my mind because it makes me feel better about myself, instead of sticking to my commitment of aligning myself with the physical as being here, constantly and consistently without thought judgements and justifications.

It seems so much easier to just forget about it.  But each time I miss the opportunity to transcend the 'desire to be right', the desire to be a 'hero in my mind' and so continue to exist as a 'mind robot' enslaved to a personality construct. 

I just had the thought now "gawd I hope this gets easier" lol.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify my mind conversations as 'working myself out' in my mind, where I realize that those points that come up must be addressed and forgiven so I can walk the correction of just being here in the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I don't think about things, I will not understand myself and perhaps miss a point about myself. Yet if I simply direct myself in everything I do as breath as the physical, that is how I will transcend all ego and self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not worthy of becoming life here as the physical in the polarity design of believing that I am less than the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear directing myself as purely physical here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear facing myself as who I have accepted and allowed myself to become because I fear the consequences of what I have allowed.  I realize that I must face the consequences regardless, so there is no point in fearing what is already here.  The only way to stop further consequence is to stop my ego and become purely physical here in living what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear torture and pain and death, as that is fear of self and thus pointless.  I embrace myself here so I can change what I have allowed myself to become and support equality of life in all ways to actually stop torture pain and death.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to rest in the desire for personal comfort while others suffer in my world.  I realize that comfort and rest can only be real if all are able to be comfortable and rest equally.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong and desiring to be right in my head.  I realize that this fear and desire is based on a polarity design that only exists within my self-created fantasy world of imagination.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear 'doing the work' to perfect myself as standing absolutely within and as the principle of what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-correction as 'work' as enslavement when actually self-correction is the opposite as stopping the enslavement as work so I can free myself as all of existence from the enslavement to systems of the mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I am right so I can have a good feeling about myself rather than actually face myself and walk the correction and change myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget the commitment I have made to myself as standing for equality and what is best for all until it is done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to be a hero in my mind where I am the winner that must be worshiped as a god in deluded self-interest.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to exist within the design of 'hope' where I only hope to transcend my ego rather than actually facing the points here as and when they come up as thoughts, judgements and justifications within me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'Gawd, I hope this gets easier', while in reality as the physical, there is only what is here as not existing within a definition of 'hard' or 'easy' but me as having the opportunity to face myself and correct myself here within and as breath in each new moment until I live what is best for all in every way.