176 - Self-Punishment

A point has come up with me recently, I wake up in the morning already in a heavy, negative emotion of agitation or frustration.  Yesterday I did not realize exactly what the point was, there were a number of points which were triggered and I assume it is a culmination of multiple factors that I am facing from stress of my current situation to still hanging on to points of the past, and still some regrets.  Regrets because I realize I missed many points through not understanding myself.  There is also the point of me 'second guessing' myself as I feel constricted by my current situation.  I realize that I have to stop and breathe during these episodes, yet the other day the emotional reaction seemed to be so strong I did not push the resistance, but fell into resentment and neglect as the pattern of self-punishment in anger towards myself.

It took me a while before I allowed myself to see all the points connected, and from this I realize there is still a significant amount of self-forgiveness I have to do to stop myself from going into this pattern.  The point is also connected to my work/money situation which plays a significant role in this, as work has been a struggle recently, as winter is typically slower for me.  Additionally from this pattern comes all kinds of future projections, even though I do not know what the future holds, some play-outs appear to be inevitable as the consequences I have created for myself are significant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the emotions of agitation and frustration when I wake up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself when I feel the emotions of agitation and frustration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself through neglect when I make future projections in my mind regarding how I think things will play out based on what I assume will happen based on my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self-created future projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled the feelings of guilt, resentment and regret.  I realize I cannot change the past and all I can do is learn from it.  I also realize that punishing myself does not help the situation any and only makes it worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into temper tantrum mode where I believe that spiting myself and others through neglect will cause the situation to be over with sooner or somehow create a better consequence for me, when clearly it will not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the ideas of myself I created in the past.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to understand myself and how I can use the best of my abilities to contribute to this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't know or understand where I can fit it or participate in something that is effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the belief that I have no motivation, when I realize I do not need a motivating factor to move myself besides the goal of Equality of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that someone would help me solve myself and/or desire to be special and get special attention.  I realize I am walking my process alone and no-one is able to assist me besides practical communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape myself and my consequences through neglect.  I realize I must face the consequences I have allowed so that I understand what I do creates consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be someone more than who I am as my physical body here.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an external form of stimuli in order for me to experience happiness within myself.  I realize I am the starting point of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and so go into resentment through defining myself as a complete failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within thinking of all of the things I could have had/done for/with myself - go into a pattern of resentment, self-punishment and neglect, and so compromise myself even further in the pattern that has existed within me ever since I can remember.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow along within the pattern that I learned from my parents and teachers - that I have to punish myself - without realizing that there is a far better way to learn to discipline myself through gentle encouragement and breaking the problem down in order to see how it plays out and then gradually work it out step by step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for all the mistakes I made in the past - when if I simply had realized and understood from the start I would not have allowed myself to get into this whole mess to begin with. I realize this is an opportunity for me to face what I have accepted and allowed, and so change myself.



I commit myself to channel my resentment, guilt, frustration, agitation, anger and all other emotional reactions - into moving myself to become life as Equal to the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself having a negative energy experience, to embrace myself within the realization that I have done a lot of work on myself through study and self-forgiveness, and so write myself out so I can see the starting point and pattern of what specifically triggered the emotional reaction - so that I can gently push the resistance and free myself from self-harm and punishment.

I commit myself to rather than punishing myself - to realize that punishing myself is not effective - but rather commit myself to achieving small goals for myself in reward to myself for all my hard work.

I commit myself to realize that there is no point fearing what is not here.

161 - Parental Cloning Part 2

Continuing from yesterdays post - http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2013/01/160-parental-cloning-part-1.html


As children, we are dragged in all directions, attempting to keep a balance between our personal drive for fun and exploring our expression, while trying to understand and keep out of trouble with our parents and various other relationships.  I recall my parents constantly saying to me "Why don't you listen!?".  I never really understood or tried to answer that question actually, until they had repeated it about 15 times or so, then one day I decided to ask myself,... the only answer I could come up with was 'because I don't want to'.

I found it very odd that they actually expected me to enthusiastically obey and carry out their every wish - so I could be just like them?  All clean and proper all the time so I could appear presentable and in-style to others?  Looking back now, it is apparent that they thought of me as a lesser object, of which I owed them my worship and devotion. I recall being instructed to tell them 'I loved them' - how disgusting.  Whats just as disgusting is that I was too afraid to tell them what I actually thought.  Yet I had already been punished for stating how I truly felt in the past, and I deemed myself too young to fend for myself on the streets.

There were the frequent guilt trips which were mostly spoken out of frustration about total insignificant issues like shoes lying in the wrong place... Parent A "I bust my ass all day so I can put food on the table, the least you can do is..." - as if to make a person feel guilty just for being alive!  Eventually I did get a paper route of my own when I was 11 yrs old, at which time the constant nagging began to wear off for the most part.

What my parents never understood is that they were trying to impose a form of 'love' which, in their imagination was real to them, yet to the recipient of this 'love' - it is quite repulsive.  It was clear that they expected me to repay this same 'love' by having children of my own some day "Just wait till you have kids of your own... you'll see" they said, expecting I would play the same 'guilt and frustration' song and dance.  No, but thanks for all the training.  I had already taken in enough programming from them, school, church and friends to lay significant guilt trips on myself, punishing myself for reasons I didn't even understand.  This lead to many problems within self-suppression and not understanding myself, and so extensively compromising myself out of low self-esteem and a rebellious personality construct.  

I was very happy to finally move out on my own at 17, although I was facing a world which I did not understand.  I was full of dissonance within myself and without, casting myself to the mercy of the system to see if I could survive.

There is much I could rant about how much I despised my parents, however I see that they were just participants in the system I was also participating in, and had also created through my acceptances and allowances.  There is no point in blaming them, as I see how the whole system works now - one big guilt trip, disguised as 'love' so people punish themselves and others within the belief and excuse that they are 'doing it for love' and so the lucky ones remains in the semi-comfortable arms of a programmed system of  love/hate.

The real problem is that it's all fear - Fear of Self - Fear of Self-honesty - Fear of the Truth of who we are.  Its funny really... how we fear ourselves.  It would seem like that would be such an easy thing to see and transcend?  Its just me... you... here... how long will we endure this cruel game of hide and seek?

Everyone has fallen for the big delusion, so its not like anyone has to continue to feel guilty for it, especially now that we understand the solution - Self forgiveness and 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'... seeing ourselves as Equals in a shared physical reality - now there is no excuse, because once one is faced with the absolute truth of themselves, it is apparent, and inescapable, the big lie of who we are is completely exposed.  Interestingly we can deny it through a belief system, however, no belief holds water -  it is composed of an imaginary, second-hand opinion, grasped in hope that someone will verify its authenticity and make us feel better so we don't have to face our self-dishonesty and take responsibility to change ourselves.  This trap will take considerable work to get out of.

Join the Journey to Life 

Self Support at Eqafe.com

Day 156 - Monkey On My Back

For many years I have been my own monkey on my back, dragging myself down with the extra weight of guilt and self-judgments, catering to memories of the past in attempt to right the massive wrong I experienced within and as myself - That I could not deny, only hide inside myself.


I could clearly see the disappointment I was becoming to myself, yet I attributed it to Gods will, Gods divine plan...  Gods purpose..., Gods problem... the fault of everyone, and so Gods fault.  I acted out on the revenge I sought within myself by sabotaging myself, sacrificing myself at the alter of my belief in God to try and get a reaction from God.  See no evil, Speak no evil, Hear no evil.  Although I did learn some things along the way, the problem only got worse and worse, as I clung with desperate hope to the idea that someday, somehow it would all be accounted for, people would pay for this neglect, and so it would all be made right again.  Here is my shit thrown in my face... for not trusting myself, and for placing my trust in an idea that someone told me to believe.  Eventually I was able to forgive myself for this, but I was too messed up inside to fix myself or realize the extent of the problem.


I can understand that this may have been necessary for me to realize myself here, so it's all I can do now to walk this process of self-honesty.  Yet the question remains - Who the fuck am I now ? I don't even really know myself, I mean... I believe I know myself, as the idea in my head of who I should or could be, but that is not me, it is illusion.  My egotistical mind still wanting to play the hero character.  That is how I got into shit in the first place, trying to be the hero rather than realizing myself as an Equal in my reality.  I have never actually lived absolutely as myself, as Equal to myself, as Equal to the physical and all of existence.  


Thankfully I was able to realize the Desteni message, and I mean exceedingly thankful, as I would not trade this understanding of myself for anything in the world, literally.  To now have the opportunity to establish an honest relationship with myself is a rather humbling experience, yet the reward of self-honesty is beyond all compare... it is never fully realized, as it always continues to give, and continues to grow beyond the capacity of our limited minds to understand.  If we imagine heaven as blissful experience, well then certainly the greatest bliss to be found in this world full of suffering, is to stop the cause of suffering at the source, and so prevent the abuse of Life.


Join the Journey to Life as we Dump the Monkeys off our backs and walk the Process of extracting the Parasite that Leeches off our existence, and prevents us from Creating Heaven on Earth, as it should be for Everyone.


Artwork credited to - http://www.spraygraphic.com/ViewProject/2297/normal.html

Day 64 - Relaxing, Moments, Boredom and Excitement

Relaxing
Fear of slowing down/desire to go fast. Desire to live in self interest, as doing what I want for myself.  Defining responsibility as 'work'/slavery/drudgery within my mind and not being free to relax.  While relaxation exists within current consequence, as our physical bodies eventually require rest at some point in the day, relaxation can be an acceptance of neglect and ignorance. Through perceiving my life experience as 'long and arduous', relaxation can be a stimulus of the mind through the energetic charge in the positive polarity, where work is the negative.  Working has become slavery, rather than the act of giving myself, through and as self-responsibility and supporting all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed off the positive energy charge within and as the word 'relaxation' as seeing and defining relaxation as a stimulus point where I think of relaxation as a means of acquiring energy of the mind, as an escape from taking responsibility for myself as all in directing every breath.

I no longer accept and allow myself to participate in the energetic charge of the word relaxation, as seeing it as a positive stimulus to charge the energy systems of the mind, but rather change myself to see that relaxation - when rest is not actually necessary for the physical body - is an acceptance of ignorance in the desire to live in self interest, as passing off my responsibility to the mind to direct me, instead of me directing myself here in each breath, moment by moment.

Moments
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created moments as separations in time, where I/we have created mo-ments - as the desire for 'more mental energy', I perceive that each moment appears to be a monumental task - the created monument in the mind - the graven image of myself in separation.  Perceiving life as a long arduous struggle, everything is fucked up, dangerous, fearful, abusive and a big lie - based on the perspective of me, seeing myself through the eyes of my mind/ego.

Yet the actuality of life as source is so incredibly simple - being here in taking responsibility for directing myself within breath - I can enjoy myself in slowing myself down - within the realization that in taking responsibility for myself as breath, I am taking responsibility for ALL LIFE as me - thus removing the guilt and blame associated through relationship, as each is now self-responsible.

Through that realization and application - each moment is equal and one, and the moment is no longer monotonous or monumental, as 'mon-u-mental' being the mental projection of me, as I have moaned about not getting my selfish desires, and so created hierarchy/inequality/slavery. Monotony, or mono-tone, a sound without variety or variation - boring and dull.

Boredom
We are bored-dumb.  The fear of being 'bored' creates the experience of boredom within the mind.  Life is not boring, because life is not defined by boredom - if I am bored, it is because I have created the idea of boredom and subject myself to the con-fines of that belief, thus having to serve the sentence and the fine, where I have 'sent' myself into broken moments of 'tense', clinging to the past 'tense' and creating a future 'tense' based on the past 'tense', where I am always 'tense' in fear of facing the inevitable consequence for what I have accepted and allowed as me.

Boredom is false perception as desiring to be 'someone else' or be with 'someone more exciting' - seeing oneself as boring - to bore, or drill a hole through - thus the definition is given a negative energy charge - seeing boredom as 'monotonous', 'painful' and 'slow'.  Yet boredom is created  through participation in the idea of limitation, due to false perception and irresponsibility, not seeing or realizing the opportunities and potential to share myself.  In fear of the idea of boredom, we often find 'work' to preoccupy ourselves to make ourselves busy with work.  Trying to fake ourselves out, pretend responsibility we have created more and more work to do, rather than simply living and expressing ourselves as life.   Thus wurk has become urk, as we urk ourselves through enforced movement from the starting point of servitude, as one is forced into serving the hierarchy of the mind, as the self-created system.

The phrase "I am boring" is opposed to a real expression of life - as giving myself unconditionally through my expression as an Equal. To enjoy the act of giving rather than desiring to feed on the energy of others - which is seeking for self in others, thus attempting to blame life because I did not have the courage to take responsibility to express and share myself, and therefore created the consequence of me existing within and as jealousy.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am boring, or my life is boring, or that someone else is boring within definition as self-judgement.  I realize that I have not ever really considered what was the starting point of boredom which is actually do to the desire to escape responsibility, and the desire for an energy high that would stimulate my senses to make me feel alive, yet I am not alive because all of existence is enslaved to consciousness.



I commit myself to, when and as I see myself participating within the mind as 'feeling bored', to move myself in the physical to do something practical that would assist myself and others.  There are an infinite number of things that I can do in each moment to push my resistances and support life.

Excitement
The opposite polarity charge 'exciting' - as the stimulating and positive energy experience we constantly seek to escape the negative.  Constantly seeking to have an experience of ourselves.  Ex-sight-ment is the externalization of sight - as opposed to having In-sight, where we look into ourselves in self-honesty.  Ex-sight-ment is the false perception as the mental creation in denial of the negative association, thus the fuel of consciousness which produces the system as cycles in continuous polarity and enslavement.

Sex-citing.  Sex is often the most sought after experience.  Not to take away from the physical experience of sex, but when sex is used within the fantasies of the mind, it creates abuse through fueling and energizing the polarity mind systems where one is seeking power and control over another so that one can achieve personal satisfaction and good feelings for oneself in separation.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the need for an energy high as excitement.  I realize that excitement is driven through desire to have a special experience of myself within my reality, however this desire for personal excitement carries with it the polar opposite as boredom.  Also, excitement as searching for myself outside of myself within an experience is separation.  I am not saying that I cannot do things that are 'fun', only that the addiction to excitement as energy addiction in wanting to escape responsibility to myself and all is abuse.

I commit myself to direct myself to enjoy myself in all moments equally, to stop searching for excitement outside of myself, but to work with what is here as myself so I can become life and assist all as I would like to be assisted. 

Day 47 - Confidence, potential and opportunity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for no reason when I find myself around others whom - within the system - would be defined as 'of a higher class' or 'of higher intellect/status'.  I realize that this guilty feeling is based on my past identity of myself where I had for so long thought of myself as less then others, not standing equal to other physical beings in my life because I thought and believed that I was somehow 'less than' because I was aware of the abusive nature of our reality.  I realize that in me not wanting/understanding how to change myself to align myself with what is best for all, I abdicated myself through a belief system of 'making myself less than others' within the belief that I would not have to take responsibility for myself and my world as standing as an Equal in every way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in playing the role of a humble person in that I do not stand up to direct a situation because I am still clinging to a personality role as opposed to moving and directing myself in ways that would support all as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within limiting my awareness as being fully present in the moment, and so not realizing and so passing up amazing opportunities to share insight and understanding of Equality and how others can support themselves in stopping the mind of enslavement to thoughts/feelings and emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reactions and judgements of others if I should express a point in directing myself to carefully share a realization that would assist others to see how they can transcend a mind pattern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit potential through placing others inside a defined box of how I believe they will react in a given situation.  I realize that those who directly or indirectly act or speak within mocking, spiteful, or abusive words or behavior, have no chance of self-realization.  Therefore I do not participate with such people unless I have no other choice in the matter. If that be the case, then I direct myself firmly and bluntly, without allowing myself to participate in any form of abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat where I allowed myself to perceive and think of a woman as 'beautiful' - when I know full well that there is no such thing as beauty, and it is nowhere to be found in the entire universe. Beauty is deception because it exists within the polarity of Beauty/Ugliness and all polarity is based on personal opinion which is personality/ego based and is of the mind of thoughts and energy.

I commit myself to establish confidence within myself in every situation, allways prepared to stand accountable for every moment and every situation that arises so that I can direct it in full awareness of myself as Equal to all.

I commit myself to act within the certainty of what is necessary to be done, and therefore I can direct myself appropriately in being specific and focused on supporting life.

I commit myself to test myself and face resistances as a challenge to myself as challenging my beliefs and perceptions so that I may transcend all limitation and belief systems, and walk myself to nothingness with discipline and absolute self-will

I commit myself to face all fears directly and immediately upon realization so that I may no longer be subject to and enslaved within fears, as fear has no part in life.