Day 180 - Redefining Discipline

Dicitionary Definition

dis·ci·pline

n.

1. Training expected to produce a specific character or pattern of behavior, especially training that produces moral or mental improvement.

2. Controlled behavior resulting from disciplinary training; self-control.

3.

a. Control obtained by enforcing compliance or order.

b. A systematic method to obtain obedience: a military discipline.

c. A state of order based on submission to rules and authority: a teacher who demanded discipline in the classroom.

4. Punishment intended to correct or train.

5. A set of rules or methods, as those regulating the practice of a church or monastic order.

6. A branch of knowledge or teaching.

Redefinition

I have defined the word discipline as within the context of 'being disciplined' or 'punished' by a parent or teacher, and so attaching a negative energetic response within myself – relating the word to past belittling and humiliating experiences of 'being disciplined' by parents and teachers – as well as the extreme definition of the word in the context of the militaristic system of subservience and/or submission. Other interpretations/definitions/relations to the word are;

• Loss of self-control
• loss of personal freedom
• submitting myself to a hierarchy or system of control

Another context of the word I have defined is 'disciple' or 'follower', where I have a negative energetic reaction/response triggering the rebellious system within myself. I realize that rebellion actually an act of self-sabotage.

Therefore it is necessary to redefine Self-discipline within myself, so that no energetic response occurs, but rather 'making the connection' within myself in the realization that Self-discipline is a matter of moving and directing myself so that I can manage and prevent undesirable/unpleasant consequences from occurring now and in the future, and so inevitably resulting in sequences of events that are best for myself as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect moving and directing myself due to the interpretation of my mind as defining discipline within the context of a negative energetic memory/past experience of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-discipline within the context of memories of being bullied, humiliated, belittled and punished by parents, coaches, law-enforcement, judges, bosses, friends, enemies, and teachers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define self-discipline within the context of being a follower, and therefore believing that I am subjecting myself to a process of enslavement and loss of control, when in actuality learning to direct myself is the means by which I regain authority of and for myself so that I may direct myself in changing myself and living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and associate discipline within the negative energetic polarity as torture, slavery, submission, boring, humiliating, belittling or unpleasant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny self-discipline in the belief that I can allow consequences to play out so that I can gain momentum from the accumulated anger/pain/frustration/resentment as me desiring to be moved by energetic reactions as opposed to me moving myself in realization of how the system functions within myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see the rewards of self-discipline and self-control as being giving myself back to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-discipline as subjecting myself to a set of mindless rules and/or self-righteous moral and/or cultural beliefs.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that self-discipline was only a means of achieving an elevated egotistical belief of seeing oneself as 'better than others', and so neglecting to discipline or 'assist' myself in fear and distrust of myself and ultimately rebellion to this self created belief.  I realize self-discipline is a tool to assist and support myself to pro-actively face my problems and so prevent consequences, and create myself as self-responsible, as Life, as Equality.  

176 - Self-Punishment

A point has come up with me recently, I wake up in the morning already in a heavy, negative emotion of agitation or frustration.  Yesterday I did not realize exactly what the point was, there were a number of points which were triggered and I assume it is a culmination of multiple factors that I am facing from stress of my current situation to still hanging on to points of the past, and still some regrets.  Regrets because I realize I missed many points through not understanding myself.  There is also the point of me 'second guessing' myself as I feel constricted by my current situation.  I realize that I have to stop and breathe during these episodes, yet the other day the emotional reaction seemed to be so strong I did not push the resistance, but fell into resentment and neglect as the pattern of self-punishment in anger towards myself.

It took me a while before I allowed myself to see all the points connected, and from this I realize there is still a significant amount of self-forgiveness I have to do to stop myself from going into this pattern.  The point is also connected to my work/money situation which plays a significant role in this, as work has been a struggle recently, as winter is typically slower for me.  Additionally from this pattern comes all kinds of future projections, even though I do not know what the future holds, some play-outs appear to be inevitable as the consequences I have created for myself are significant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the emotions of agitation and frustration when I wake up in the morning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself when I feel the emotions of agitation and frustration

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to punish myself through neglect when I make future projections in my mind regarding how I think things will play out based on what I assume will happen based on my past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my self-created future projections.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled the feelings of guilt, resentment and regret.  I realize I cannot change the past and all I can do is learn from it.  I also realize that punishing myself does not help the situation any and only makes it worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into temper tantrum mode where I believe that spiting myself and others through neglect will cause the situation to be over with sooner or somehow create a better consequence for me, when clearly it will not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to the ideas of myself I created in the past.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to understand myself and how I can use the best of my abilities to contribute to this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I don't know or understand where I can fit it or participate in something that is effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the belief that I have no motivation, when I realize I do not need a motivating factor to move myself besides the goal of Equality of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish that someone would help me solve myself and/or desire to be special and get special attention.  I realize I am walking my process alone and no-one is able to assist me besides practical communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape myself and my consequences through neglect.  I realize I must face the consequences I have allowed so that I understand what I do creates consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be someone more than who I am as my physical body here.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire an external form of stimuli in order for me to experience happiness within myself.  I realize I am the starting point of happiness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others and so go into resentment through defining myself as a complete failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within thinking of all of the things I could have had/done for/with myself - go into a pattern of resentment, self-punishment and neglect, and so compromise myself even further in the pattern that has existed within me ever since I can remember.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow along within the pattern that I learned from my parents and teachers - that I have to punish myself - without realizing that there is a far better way to learn to discipline myself through gentle encouragement and breaking the problem down in order to see how it plays out and then gradually work it out step by step.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for all the mistakes I made in the past - when if I simply had realized and understood from the start I would not have allowed myself to get into this whole mess to begin with. I realize this is an opportunity for me to face what I have accepted and allowed, and so change myself.



I commit myself to channel my resentment, guilt, frustration, agitation, anger and all other emotional reactions - into moving myself to become life as Equal to the physical.

I commit myself to when and as I see myself having a negative energy experience, to embrace myself within the realization that I have done a lot of work on myself through study and self-forgiveness, and so write myself out so I can see the starting point and pattern of what specifically triggered the emotional reaction - so that I can gently push the resistance and free myself from self-harm and punishment.

I commit myself to rather than punishing myself - to realize that punishing myself is not effective - but rather commit myself to achieving small goals for myself in reward to myself for all my hard work.

I commit myself to realize that there is no point fearing what is not here.

161 - Parental Cloning Part 2

Continuing from yesterdays post - http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2013/01/160-parental-cloning-part-1.html


As children, we are dragged in all directions, attempting to keep a balance between our personal drive for fun and exploring our expression, while trying to understand and keep out of trouble with our parents and various other relationships.  I recall my parents constantly saying to me "Why don't you listen!?".  I never really understood or tried to answer that question actually, until they had repeated it about 15 times or so, then one day I decided to ask myself,... the only answer I could come up with was 'because I don't want to'.

I found it very odd that they actually expected me to enthusiastically obey and carry out their every wish - so I could be just like them?  All clean and proper all the time so I could appear presentable and in-style to others?  Looking back now, it is apparent that they thought of me as a lesser object, of which I owed them my worship and devotion. I recall being instructed to tell them 'I loved them' - how disgusting.  Whats just as disgusting is that I was too afraid to tell them what I actually thought.  Yet I had already been punished for stating how I truly felt in the past, and I deemed myself too young to fend for myself on the streets.

There were the frequent guilt trips which were mostly spoken out of frustration about total insignificant issues like shoes lying in the wrong place... Parent A "I bust my ass all day so I can put food on the table, the least you can do is..." - as if to make a person feel guilty just for being alive!  Eventually I did get a paper route of my own when I was 11 yrs old, at which time the constant nagging began to wear off for the most part.

What my parents never understood is that they were trying to impose a form of 'love' which, in their imagination was real to them, yet to the recipient of this 'love' - it is quite repulsive.  It was clear that they expected me to repay this same 'love' by having children of my own some day "Just wait till you have kids of your own... you'll see" they said, expecting I would play the same 'guilt and frustration' song and dance.  No, but thanks for all the training.  I had already taken in enough programming from them, school, church and friends to lay significant guilt trips on myself, punishing myself for reasons I didn't even understand.  This lead to many problems within self-suppression and not understanding myself, and so extensively compromising myself out of low self-esteem and a rebellious personality construct.  

I was very happy to finally move out on my own at 17, although I was facing a world which I did not understand.  I was full of dissonance within myself and without, casting myself to the mercy of the system to see if I could survive.

There is much I could rant about how much I despised my parents, however I see that they were just participants in the system I was also participating in, and had also created through my acceptances and allowances.  There is no point in blaming them, as I see how the whole system works now - one big guilt trip, disguised as 'love' so people punish themselves and others within the belief and excuse that they are 'doing it for love' and so the lucky ones remains in the semi-comfortable arms of a programmed system of  love/hate.

The real problem is that it's all fear - Fear of Self - Fear of Self-honesty - Fear of the Truth of who we are.  Its funny really... how we fear ourselves.  It would seem like that would be such an easy thing to see and transcend?  Its just me... you... here... how long will we endure this cruel game of hide and seek?

Everyone has fallen for the big delusion, so its not like anyone has to continue to feel guilty for it, especially now that we understand the solution - Self forgiveness and 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'... seeing ourselves as Equals in a shared physical reality - now there is no excuse, because once one is faced with the absolute truth of themselves, it is apparent, and inescapable, the big lie of who we are is completely exposed.  Interestingly we can deny it through a belief system, however, no belief holds water -  it is composed of an imaginary, second-hand opinion, grasped in hope that someone will verify its authenticity and make us feel better so we don't have to face our self-dishonesty and take responsibility to change ourselves.  This trap will take considerable work to get out of.

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