Sunday, 20 January 2013

161 - Parental Cloning Part 2

Continuing from yesterdays post -

As children, we are dragged in all directions, attempting to keep a balance between our personal drive for fun and exploring our expression, while trying to understand and keep out of trouble with our parents and various other relationships.  I recall my parents constantly saying to me "Why don't you listen!?".  I never really understood or tried to answer that question actually, until they had repeated it about 15 times or so, then one day I decided to ask myself,... the only answer I could come up with was 'because I don't want to'.

I found it very odd that they actually expected me to enthusiastically obey and carry out their every wish - so I could be just like them?  All clean and proper all the time so I could appear presentable and in-style to others?  Looking back now, it is apparent that they thought of me as a lesser object, of which I owed them my worship and devotion. I recall being instructed to tell them 'I loved them' - how disgusting.  Whats just as disgusting is that I was too afraid to tell them what I actually thought.  Yet I had already been punished for stating how I truly felt in the past, and I deemed myself too young to fend for myself on the streets.

There were the frequent guilt trips which were mostly spoken out of frustration about total insignificant issues like shoes lying in the wrong place... Parent A "I bust my ass all day so I can put food on the table, the least you can do is..." - as if to make a person feel guilty just for being alive!  Eventually I did get a paper route of my own when I was 11 yrs old, at which time the constant nagging began to wear off for the most part.

What my parents never understood is that they were trying to impose a form of 'love' which, in their imagination was real to them, yet to the recipient of this 'love' - it is quite repulsive.  It was clear that they expected me to repay this same 'love' by having children of my own some day "Just wait till you have kids of your own... you'll see" they said, expecting I would play the same 'guilt and frustration' song and dance.  No, but thanks for all the training.  I had already taken in enough programming from them, school, church and friends to lay significant guilt trips on myself, punishing myself for reasons I didn't even understand.  This lead to many problems within self-suppression and not understanding myself, and so extensively compromising myself out of low self-esteem and a rebellious personality construct.  

I was very happy to finally move out on my own at 17, although I was facing a world which I did not understand.  I was full of dissonance within myself and without, casting myself to the mercy of the system to see if I could survive.

There is much I could rant about how much I despised my parents, however I see that they were just participants in the system I was also participating in, and had also created through my acceptances and allowances.  There is no point in blaming them, as I see how the whole system works now - one big guilt trip, disguised as 'love' so people punish themselves and others within the belief and excuse that they are 'doing it for love' and so the lucky ones remains in the semi-comfortable arms of a programmed system of  love/hate.

The real problem is that it's all fear - Fear of Self - Fear of Self-honesty - Fear of the Truth of who we are.  Its funny really... how we fear ourselves.  It would seem like that would be such an easy thing to see and transcend?  Its just me... you... here... how long will we endure this cruel game of hide and seek?

Everyone has fallen for the big delusion, so its not like anyone has to continue to feel guilty for it, especially now that we understand the solution - Self forgiveness and 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you'... seeing ourselves as Equals in a shared physical reality - now there is no excuse, because once one is faced with the absolute truth of themselves, it is apparent, and inescapable, the big lie of who we are is completely exposed.  Interestingly we can deny it through a belief system, however, no belief holds water -  it is composed of an imaginary, second-hand opinion, grasped in hope that someone will verify its authenticity and make us feel better so we don't have to face our self-dishonesty and take responsibility to change ourselves.  This trap will take considerable work to get out of.

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