Today I had to do an estimate. During negotiations, I realized that I would not be able to do the job due to an outlet being in the wrong place. For some reason, perhaps I figured it would take too long with the electrical work that needed to be relocated. I quickly assumed that I would not be able to do the job, explained this to the client and closed negotiations saying I could come back when he had that issue fixed himself.
While I was driving home, it occurred to me that I probably could have done the relocation myself and charged the customer a little more for the time involved. Why had I not seen that opportunity? My assumption was quick, as the customer and I had been bartering over price - which was already very low, and this was causing me some frustration as I had already taken the time to drive all the way out there, which has already cost me 1/5th of the total job price in gas.
I see that I had already begun to become negative about the job, and when I realized that the plug had to be moved, I entertained a good feeling of not having to do the work with the excuse that I could not do it now. The happy feeling was compounded by the negative feeling that I was not going to make any money, and I had in fact lost money by doing the estimate. Within all of these feelings, I did not stop myself to assess the situation here as breath, trusting myself and the physical. I was going by the emotion of how events like this had played out in the past - so I was in fear that the worst would happen.
The other point I realized is that, had I seen the opportunity to relocate the electrical myself and negotiated with the client for it, I may well have been upset with myself for undertaking the job, especially if there were any surprises as there always are in this line of work. So it is a situation where I would judge myself either way. The only solution to this is to remain here in breath, and not go into self-judgement for any reason. Stop living my past and to live every moment as me, as breath. I was aware of my breath the whole way to the clients house, however when I got there and the stress of the job kicked in, I lost all awareness and went on autopilot.
Business is more competitive in the winter here, and I had not prepared enough advertising for myself in the fall. I had a job lined up which did not work out, and then expected to be able to get a job somewhere but that has not panned out either. I will be exploring my options over the next little while to see where I can place myself to be effective and to support myself. Besides that, process wise, things seem to be going well.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - when I encounter a stressful situation where I am in the vicinity of people - go on autopilot and forget my breath awareness causing me to make rash decisions and choices based in fear and how things have played out in the past.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by systems as the projection of fear that the worst would happen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not realizing the opportunity to do the extra work and make some extra money from the situation.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my newly learned skills of persuasion when dealing with clients - reciprocity, authority, scarcity, consistency, liking and consensus.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to direct myself in the most effective manner so that I am able to support myself and change my world to a world worth living in with Equality of Life as the principle we all live by.
I commit myself to pushing myself to remain in breath awareness when involved in stressful situations where other people are around.
I commit myself to stop living in past definitions and begin to take responsibility for me in all situations through breathing and living from the starting point of here - as seeing every situation as a completely new experience of myself here, equal to the physical reality.
I commit myself to the realization that, to walk this process of awareness in each moment is... to bring myself back from the state of absolute self-devaluation, where my existence hangs by a single strand of knowledge of myself, in the understanding that the whole universe has in fact betrayed me, as the reflection of my own self-betrayal.... to align myself with the actual starting point of myself here, as breath, so that I may create myself as Equal to all things, as the final end of all enslavement and beginning of Life without limitation or judgement, where the value of All is Equally precious as Life.
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