Day 188 - Dispelling the Delusions of Sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire within myself for a sexual experience with another person, as seeing sex as something separate from myself - which I must apparently 'attain to' in order to achieve value for myself as a positive/good energetic feeling - a false ego-boost - a positive/good energetically charged feeling of accomplishment - and/or a positive/good energetically charged feeling of excitement. I realize that the positive energy experience of myself is used by the mind in attempt to cover-up/pacify the negative energy experience, which only results in the perpetuation of separation of myself as (+ -) energy, and thus self-delusion and enslavement. I realize that the definition of sex which I have accepted and allowed to be programmed into my mind throughout my life experience is not real – as it was specifically designed to keep me distracted, and chasing after the desire for experiences, rather than realizing the truth of who I am and my responsibility to stand Equal to myself and Life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to escape my responsibility to myself and my commitment to myself through chasing after the desire for a sexual experience - in the belief that I can release myself from the anxiety of life's problems through seeking/attaining a positively charged sexual relationship. I realize that this desire for a positively charged sexual experience - triggered by the mind - is a form of self-manipulation where I have defined the act of sex with another as simply 'enjoying myself', meanwhile not fully understanding 'who I really am' and thus not fully understanding 'what sex is' - I have neglected to see how the entire system is playing out within and as myself, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself, deny myself, and neglect seeing myself for 'who I really am' out of fear of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the 'fear of loss' system, where I have submitted myself to the fear of losing an opportunity to experience myself within a limited, predefined thought of myself, believing it to be the totality of 'who I am' when it is absolutely not. So within this belief, I have accepted and allowed my mind system of beliefs to direct and control me in seeking to fulfill this 'thought/fantasy' with justifications such as 'I will feel better' or I will have 'achieved something special' – when in actual physical reality, the positive energy feeling/excitement soon dissipates, and I all I have 'achieved' is the maintenance of the mind system which keeps me blinded and enslaved to chasing after positive feelings and fleeing from negative emotions. I realize that this form of self-denial accumulates, prolongs, and compounds consequence for myself and all, as I am fully aware that inevitably, I must face myself in self-honesty, and stop the enslavement of myself to false assumptions, delusional desires, and energetically charged feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after a moment of enjoyment, and so within seeking to accommodate a selfish desire, I am accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice of a vastly larger part of myself for a limited, and temporary experience of myself - as allowing myself to be the subject of pre-programmed mind desires, rather than taking responsibility to be self-directed and express myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that Life in this physical existence is the priority, as without Life in the physical, sex cannot exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with the words sex and love, limiting and defining them within the beauty and value systems, and so limiting and defining myself in self-dishonesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a high value on an experience of sex - defining it as the best possible experience I can have for myself, when in actuality, I realize that all moments must be Equalized as Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the belief that within the act of having sex I am doing something good by making another person feel good. I realize that this justification is another program designed to 'make me feel better about myself' in order to feed the mind with energy, and that each person must take responsibility for themselves to stop enslavement to Equalize and direct themselves as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sex as 'good' or 'bad' from the starting point of a morality based belief system, rather than assessing myself in self-honesty and self-intimacy, in order to determine and create myself as what is in fact, best for all.

I commit myself to stop all enslavement to energetically charged systems of the mind and so face myself in self-honesty in every moment so that I may stand Equal to myself in the physical as Life, here. 

163 - Miss Breath and Miss Opportunity

Today I had to do an estimate.  During negotiations, I realized that I would not be able to do the job due to an outlet being in the wrong place.  For some reason, perhaps I figured it would take too long with the electrical work that needed to be relocated.  I quickly assumed that I would not be able to do the job, explained this to the client and closed negotiations saying I could come back when he had that issue fixed himself.

While I was driving home, it occurred to me that I probably could have done the relocation myself and charged the customer a little more for the time involved.  Why had I not seen that opportunity?  My assumption was quick, as the customer and I had been bartering over price - which was already very low, and this was causing me some frustration as I had already taken the time to drive all the way out there, which has already cost me 1/5th of the total job price in gas.

I see that I had already begun to become negative about the job, and when I realized that the plug had to be moved, I entertained a good feeling of not having to do the work with the excuse that I could not do it now.  The happy feeling was compounded by the negative feeling that I was not going to make any money, and I had in fact lost money by doing the estimate.  Within all of these feelings, I did not stop myself to assess the situation here as breath, trusting myself and the physical.  I was going by the emotion of how events like this had played out in the past - so I was in fear that the worst would happen.

The other point I realized is that, had I seen the opportunity to relocate the electrical myself and negotiated with the client for it, I may well have been upset with myself for undertaking the job, especially if there were any surprises as there always are in this line of work.  So it is a situation where I would judge myself either way.  The only solution to this is to remain here in breath, and not go into self-judgement for any reason.  Stop living my past and to live every moment as me, as breath.  I was aware of my breath the whole way to the clients house, however when I got there and the stress of the job kicked in, I lost all awareness and went on autopilot.

Business is more competitive in the winter here, and I had not prepared enough advertising for myself in the fall.  I had a job lined up which did not work out, and then expected to be able to get a job somewhere but that has not panned out either.  I will be exploring my options over the next little while to see where I can place myself to be effective and to support myself.   Besides that, process wise, things seem to be going well.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - when I encounter a stressful situation where I am in the vicinity of people - go on autopilot and forget my breath awareness causing me to make rash decisions and choices based in fear and how things have played out in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by systems as the projection of fear that the worst would happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not realizing the opportunity to do the extra work and make some extra money from the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my newly learned skills of persuasion when dealing with clients - reciprocity, authority, scarcity, consistency, liking and consensus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to direct myself in the most effective manner so that I am able to support myself and change my world to a world worth living in with Equality of Life as the principle we all live by.

I commit myself to pushing myself to remain in breath awareness when involved in stressful situations where other people are around.

I commit myself to stop living in past definitions and begin to take responsibility for me in all situations through breathing and living from the starting point of here - as seeing every situation as a completely new experience of myself here, equal to the physical reality.

I commit myself to the realization that, to walk this process of awareness in each moment is... to bring myself back from the state of absolute self-devaluation, where my existence hangs by a single strand of knowledge of myself, in the understanding that the whole universe has in fact betrayed me, as the reflection of my own self-betrayal.... to align myself with the actual starting point of myself here, as breath, so that I may create myself as Equal to all things, as the final end of all enslavement and beginning of Life without limitation or judgement, where the value of All is Equally precious as Life.
     

Day 151 – Android

I Watched the movie Prometheus tonight.  I here reflect on the character that played the robot/android.  I see how this character conducted himself to a strict regimen, taking speaking lessons upon waking up, and efficiently, at the same time eating breakfast.  This character expressed no feelings or emotions, as it had no capacity to do so given its internal programming, feeling and emotion was irrelevant and not necessary.  The function of the robot was to support the mission, and support human beings.

It is interesting, because this process (journey to life) would be interpreted by my mind as me ‘becoming a robot’ to no longer be subject to feelings and emotional programming. At the same time living within the primary function/principle of supporting all life in Equality.  

This fear, where my mind creates the idea that if I were to give up my mind as the program, I would become a robot, is deception.  The opposite is actually true – I already am a robot - if I am controlled by programs (thoughts/beliefs/opinions etc.) which trigger feelings and emotions which control me and cause me to act in self-interest and irresponsibility to life. 

So my responsibility, is not to stop all my feelings and emotions, but to stop judging them and being controlled by them.  In doing so, I learn to direct myself (and my feelings and emotions) in what is best for everyone, and my feelings and emotions are re-aligned, to no longer be based in self-interest, but are expressed in self-honesty and consideration for others – thus extended outward to include everything and everyone in existence, so that life can be supported, as without life, there would be no expression in or of existence.

I realize I have the power and responsibility to change and re-program myself using self-forgiveness as the tool of self-realization and self-correction.  In that, I am able to make the decision to live what is best for all, as Equality… equalizing myself with what is here, as my physical body, so I myself can be supported as an Equal, and all abuse of life can stop. 

So the point is to stop being a robot slave.

Join the Journey to Life

Day 140 – Nature Lover

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a Nature Lover which I realize is only a character personality I made up in my mind which serves to re-enforce the belief in my mind that I am someone special – which conveniently hides the fear of facing and seeing myself for who I really am - as Equal as the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the character role of the Nature Lover when i am in a natural environment, acting differently than I would otherwise if I were in an urban setting, not realizing that I am not fooling anyone but myself, actually trying to hide myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine seeing myself in Nature in my mind, and so believe that I am at peace with myself when I am in Nature.  I realize this is only the minds idea of peace, and is not real peace, because I am aware that the systems we have created which cause so much harm and exploitation of Life, still continue to exist and create terrible consequence, while I am enjoying myself in the feeble bubble of my mind as consciousness. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that Nature seems peaceful because Nature does not judge me as humans do, all the while the source of the judgements is within myself in fear of who I am.  In so I have fooled myself within the belief that Nature is a place where I can escape to, when in fact there is no escape from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘more sensitive’ and thus ‘better than’ others because I can sense an awareness in Nature while others cannot, and justify myself as a good person, while the world system that I helped to create is busy destroying and exploiting the natural environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to formulate a love relationship with Nature, as believing Nature to be ‘special’ and in so denying the Equality of life which exists in all things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to portray nature as ‘beautiful’ in polarity to the ‘ugliness’ and ‘nastiness’ of the world system. I realize that thoughts such as this only serve to create further conflict within participation in the judgemental beauty system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am gaining any kind of value for myself while interacting with nature or doing charitable work such as ‘saving the rain forest’.  I realize that charitable work such as this only serves to fuel and support the system of fear through conflict and disagreement.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my experience in nature as the awe and inspiring feeling is actually derived from me not understanding the nature of my reality – as how I have come to be as separate from nature, and thus I am in awe because I am in fear of Nature, as the fear of the unknown, and the fear of who I am as Nature.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the ‘loneliness’ feeling that comes over me when I am in Nature is a reflection of my own diminishment through separation of myself from Nature, by means of supporting and participating in consciousness.



I commit myself to create an actual agreement with myself to stand Equal and One with Nature, as I equally stand to create an Equal and One agreement with all of the systems of the world we have created, so that all Life may be Equal and One, and we may together return to physical Life in agreement, and so stop all abuse of Life forever.

I commit myself to realize that Nature is assisting and supporting me to realize who I am here as a physical being.

I commit myself to understand why I have created myself as separate from nature and so work to change myself to reverse the cause of separation within myself.

I commit myself to embrace myself here as what I have created myself as, and in so dissolve all fears of myself so that I may stop my mind and re-integrate to an Equal and One relationship with the physical world and Nature.

Williams 7yr Journey to Life - Day 57

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of dullness.  I realize that dullness is of the mind/ego where my mind is attempting to dictate a mood and feeling as an experience of self-suppression.  When and as I see myself within the dullness frame of mind/limitation of mind, I stop, I breathe, and I direct myself in and as my physical body to do what is necessary to be done to take responsibility for myself and all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear directing myself as physical movement because my mind tells me that it will cost me energy.  At the same time my mind wants to consume energy for itself rather than me giving my energy to life as what is best for all, because when I do that, the mind cannot feed off of my physical body and so the mind will starve and cease to exist within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist directing myself for fear that I will be exhausted.  To exhaust myself in changing myself to become Equal to the physical is actually the great opportunity I am dedicated to giving myself so that I can honor all life with my existence rather than consume the physical through energy which depletes the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in each moment that to desire experiences such as happiness, comfort, peace, love, joy or any feeling or emotion good or bad - only for myself - is separation and deception.  I realize that all selfish desires are fleeting, and not real if they cannot be shared Equally among ALL that exist.  That is why we must start over, from nothingness, so that all may be shared Equally by all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the tremendous gift of opportunity as the portal-to-unity as a chance to change myself and to realize myself here within self-honesty and self-responsibility in this lifetime. I am grateful for this magnificent opportunity and in so commit myself to assist in birthing life as Equality and Oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be 'puffed up' with knowledge and information as 'hot air' floating into the mind as consciousness, spiteful and ignorant of what is right under, in, and as my nose. My nose knows the duality/polarity of consciousness, and at the same time it is the key, the primary point where breath physically enters my body, therefore my nose is aware if I am directing my breath or not... and if not, then what is? If not, where am I? Do I exist?  Where and how can I exist if I do not direct the breath?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to polarize myself through knowledge and information, rather than directing myself as Equal to all that is here as me.  I realize that if I use knowledge and information to make myself 'appear intelligent' or 'better than' others I am only boosting the false image of myself in my mind.  In this I realize I must slow myself down when interacting with others so I can assist myself to be aware of any fears that may arise, so I can clear myself without jumping on the first thought that comes to mind.  In this I discipline myself with patience, to take responsibility to direct my words as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear appearing foolish to others because I may stumble with my corrective application as I learn how to direct myself - as a baby learning to walk for the first time.  Within this I realize that the fear of appearing foolish is actually an opportunity to enjoy the inevitable comedy of the moment.


I commit myself to continue to write out points that I have not fully integrated into and as myself until I get it and I am stable in living the application of my words.

I commit myself to push myself to take responsibility for myself in fully executing self-correction.

I commit myself to be aware of the fear of appearing foolish, where this may allow me to discover points where I have previously hidden issues from myself.

I commit myself to use this opportunity to change myself and my world so that all life can be supported physically and practically in Equality, such as would happen if we all supported an Equal Money System.