Day 233

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get discouraged with myself in process due to an illness, and so within that allow myself to blame myself and get frustrated with myself for getting sick and not understanding the reason/diagnosis of why I got sick.  I realize that blame and frustration are not acceptable because they only further support the mind in suppression of myself and charging the mind with energy in polarity and so propagating more and more delusions within myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate and avoid my responsibility to myself through deciding to do the easiest thing to do in the moment.  This because I decide to believe that I have a choice to do 'what I want to do', and neglect what is necessary to be done.  I realize I do this because I fear the possibility of failure and/or facing negative consequence - so I allow my mind to direct and control me because there is the justification that if I just put things off long enough, the problem will go away on its own, and I will not  have to deal with the possibility that I did not do a good enough job, or that someone will say that I did not work hard enough, or that I am somehow not skilled enough.

I realize this fear of failure/fear of consequence comes from how the conscious mind was programmed as my personality as - GIVING UP with the excuse and justification that I don't have to do it if I don't want - because I am free to be SPITEFUL because I can, and everyone else is spiteful of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe compliance with Equality as living what is best for all is ass kissing, being a suck, and being a 'goodie-two-shoes'.  I realize that these definitions I have created in my mind are based on the past within the system as judgments of others so that I could feel better about myself and not have to take responsibility to do and be the best that I can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear who I would be were I to take responsibility for myself in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up in the morning and dread having to push resistances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that pushing resistances is actually the only way that I will feel best about myself as doing what is best for everyone.  Everything else will lead to misery for myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the negative energy I experience within myself when working will go on seemingly forever and there will be no break from the negative energy I experience within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would give up should anything happen to my physical body that would prevent me from functioning in a reasonable manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get revenge on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the positive energy experience of avoiding responsibility through going on auto pilot and doing nothing productive.


I commit myself to direct myself to push my resistances first thing in the morning and throughout the day - this in spite of how I feel.  I realize that emotions will come up, so I must write them out to expose them right away so that I can stop the source of the problem.

I commit myself to walk this process as breath in moving myself and shaking myself out of the mind possession so that I can contribute and create myself as what is best for all in all ways and at all times.

Day 188 - Dispelling the Delusions of Sex

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire within myself for a sexual experience with another person, as seeing sex as something separate from myself - which I must apparently 'attain to' in order to achieve value for myself as a positive/good energetic feeling - a false ego-boost - a positive/good energetically charged feeling of accomplishment - and/or a positive/good energetically charged feeling of excitement. I realize that the positive energy experience of myself is used by the mind in attempt to cover-up/pacify the negative energy experience, which only results in the perpetuation of separation of myself as (+ -) energy, and thus self-delusion and enslavement. I realize that the definition of sex which I have accepted and allowed to be programmed into my mind throughout my life experience is not real – as it was specifically designed to keep me distracted, and chasing after the desire for experiences, rather than realizing the truth of who I am and my responsibility to stand Equal to myself and Life as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to escape my responsibility to myself and my commitment to myself through chasing after the desire for a sexual experience - in the belief that I can release myself from the anxiety of life's problems through seeking/attaining a positively charged sexual relationship. I realize that this desire for a positively charged sexual experience - triggered by the mind - is a form of self-manipulation where I have defined the act of sex with another as simply 'enjoying myself', meanwhile not fully understanding 'who I really am' and thus not fully understanding 'what sex is' - I have neglected to see how the entire system is playing out within and as myself, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself, deny myself, and neglect seeing myself for 'who I really am' out of fear of facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the 'fear of loss' system, where I have submitted myself to the fear of losing an opportunity to experience myself within a limited, predefined thought of myself, believing it to be the totality of 'who I am' when it is absolutely not. So within this belief, I have accepted and allowed my mind system of beliefs to direct and control me in seeking to fulfill this 'thought/fantasy' with justifications such as 'I will feel better' or I will have 'achieved something special' – when in actual physical reality, the positive energy feeling/excitement soon dissipates, and I all I have 'achieved' is the maintenance of the mind system which keeps me blinded and enslaved to chasing after positive feelings and fleeing from negative emotions. I realize that this form of self-denial accumulates, prolongs, and compounds consequence for myself and all, as I am fully aware that inevitably, I must face myself in self-honesty, and stop the enslavement of myself to false assumptions, delusional desires, and energetically charged feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to chase after a moment of enjoyment, and so within seeking to accommodate a selfish desire, I am accepting and allowing myself to sacrifice of a vastly larger part of myself for a limited, and temporary experience of myself - as allowing myself to be the subject of pre-programmed mind desires, rather than taking responsibility to be self-directed and express myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see/realize/understand that Life in this physical existence is the priority, as without Life in the physical, sex cannot exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to form a relationship with the words sex and love, limiting and defining them within the beauty and value systems, and so limiting and defining myself in self-dishonesty. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place a high value on an experience of sex - defining it as the best possible experience I can have for myself, when in actuality, I realize that all moments must be Equalized as Equal to Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the belief that within the act of having sex I am doing something good by making another person feel good. I realize that this justification is another program designed to 'make me feel better about myself' in order to feed the mind with energy, and that each person must take responsibility for themselves to stop enslavement to Equalize and direct themselves as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge sex as 'good' or 'bad' from the starting point of a morality based belief system, rather than assessing myself in self-honesty and self-intimacy, in order to determine and create myself as what is in fact, best for all.

I commit myself to stop all enslavement to energetically charged systems of the mind and so face myself in self-honesty in every moment so that I may stand Equal to myself in the physical as Life, here. 

Day 187 - Forgiving Myself

   

     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the negative energy charge coming from the fear of not being able to compete with larger companies.  I realize this limitation I have imposed on myself through my mind is assisting me to change and realize what I am doing to myself through self-imposed limitations, therefore in examining this point I can see that once I drop the limited belief, I open up much more opportunity for myself to investigate other areas where I can expand myself and direct myself.

     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being overloaded with too much strenuous work.  I realize that this self imposed fear is leeching the enjoyment out of me!  As well, it is showing me that I have not trusted myself to be able to be here as breath, as when I am here as breath, I am acutely aware of my physical body's requirements and so am easily able to tell when my body is becoming over exhausted so that I can slow myself down – as opposed to racing against myself in submission to this fear system.

     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maintain a negative outlook based on past patterns.  I realize that this point is assisting me to change in that I must learn to forgive myself of the past and trust myself to stand here self-directed in each moment.

     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain a negative outlook based on 'hopeless/inescapable situation' mentality within a paranoid delusional mind-created character.  I realize that this point is assisting me to see that - allowing myself to be controlled by fear only creates self-torment, dis-functionality, stagnation and suppression of myself.  This as well as showing me that I am fully able to see the starting point and stand up to fully stop the cycle within myself, thus freeing myself from fearful mind projections.

     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself through the feeling of being trapped in my situation/consequence.  I realize that the starting point of this fear is a thought projection from my past experiences where I have not forgiven myself, and so I have accepted and allowed myself to go into feelings of guilt.  In attempt to alleviate the consequential guilt, I accepted and allowed myself to revert to 'the easy way' or 'the path that was already chosen/created' for me within my mind as pre-programmed methods of self-punishment.  I have realized a better/the best way for myself, where self-punishment is not necessary, but rather taking responsibility to be here within and as myself in self-honesty, identifying the pattern and it's play out/consequence, forgiving myself, trusting myself, and simply walking/creating the correction.

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     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself based on the belief that I am unable to move and expand myself due to financial constraints.  I realize that this point is showing me – firstly, a fear of loss, as the fear of losing money - secondly, I am not yet trusting myself and - thirdly, I am still being controlled by fear of making mistakes as well as me being in fear of 'being punished' by myself or others for making mistakes.

Backchat dimension
“I'm in trouble” - as the phrase was commonly used when I was a child, meaning that my parents would be upset with me and I would face some form of mental/physical abuse in the form of a punishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by fear of loss, specifically of money.  I realize that this point is showing me that I have placed my trust in money as opposed to trusting myself... wups.  OK so I no longer accept and allow myself to be controlled by fear of loss as the fear of losing money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of being punished – triggered by the phrase “I'm in trouble”.  I realize that I can direct myself without punishing myself.  I also realize that if I am to be punished by an outside source which I am unable to direct or control, then it is a consequence that I have created for myself in the past which I must face to see what I have created through my acceptances and allowances, this to show me that I must stop the cycles and patterns of abuse within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes.  I realize that mistakes are showing me that the physical reality is not subject to my beliefs and expectations and that forgiveness is an essential component of Life.

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     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself resulting in a lack of personal enjoyment/fulfillment, and consequentially resulting in lack of self-motivation.  I realize that this point is showing me that suppressing myself through chasing after selfish desires is not the answer, but rather a cycle of self-delusion.  In order to transcend/break this cycle I must create for myself a way where I can enjoy sharing myself in self-honesty and assisting and supporting others to realization of the amazing awesomeness of Equality.

     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create internal conflict within myself as the realization of my actual potential vs system misgivings, education requirements and inflexibility.  I realize these points are showing me how many limitations I have imposed on myself through subjecting myself to negative self-image as system beliefs.  Each of these self-imposed limitations is a road map, and an opportunity for me to realize and transcend each of these false limitations through directly facing and challenging each one in order to disprove their authenticity and take authority for myself as me standing for Life.

     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the belief in my mind that I can temporarily sustain myself on the baseline income enough to get by.  I realize that this belief is a cover-up, showing me that I am still being controlled by, and 'living' in fear of myself.  Being controlled by fear is not living at all, it is enslavement.  Therefore I commit myself to stop being controlled by fear in any way shape or form, so that I can stop the delusion within myself and create myself as Life, as Equality.

     I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain the belief that I see no opportunity for expansion, and therefore can postpone responsibilities until an opportunity presents itself.  I realize that this point is showing me that I must create the opportunity for myself and not wait, as waiting is hoping, and hoping is not taking action.  This point again relates to fear of taking responsibility, where I have not yet fully re-defined taking responsibility for myself, as in my mind it is still related to 'being blamed' and 'having a crappy job to do'.  Therefore here...

Within the context of doing what is necessary to be done to stand for Life as Equality...

Responsibility = CREATING HEAVEN ON EARTH

7yr Journey to Life - Day 34 - Pushing Resistances

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not give myself my best in every moment.  In this, I realize that at times I just want to give in to resistances if I feel tired or unmotivated - yet what I  realize is that I have been limiting myself extensively within the belief/thought that "I will not be able to push through this resistance".  Within this, I am 'keeping score' on myself within my mind as a success/fail 'valuation' where I project myself as 'having already lost' so that I may allow myself to instantly 'give in' and experience the comfort of the temporary stress release that - the mind game is temporarily over.

What I also realize in this is that, in moments where I feel resistance such as tiredness, drudgery, fear of loss, or anxiety etc. - I can stop the 'success/fail/0-1' scoring method, and instead PUSH myself within a resistance without anticipating the outcome beforehand.  If I push through completely, great - if eventually (for example with tiredness) I rest - so be it - but I do not instantly give in, but rather push myself within the resistance as best I can in each moment.  In this, I am able to transform myself and stop the 'mind game' of winning/losing within myself - and thus stop the judgement and guilt that is associated with it, because I am actively pushing my resistances to stop being enslaved to the mind system.

What often happens when I face a resistance is that, a thought/belief will emerge such as 'if I push this resistance now, it will not go away, and I will have to push it ALL DAY LONG '.  Thus the negative feeling comes up and I do not even want to push the resistance at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to resistances immediately because I accept and allow thoughts of 'I will not be able to push through this resistance' which limits me and tricks me into immediately give in to resistances without pushing myself at all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give in to resistances immediately without pushing myself because I have placed a score/value as a win/loss or success/fail within my mind of how the outcome will be of me pushing my resistances, thus allowing myself to fall victim to judgement and guilt of my mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to project the idea that I will have to face this resistance all day long, rather than bringing myself here as breath and taking the point step by step.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit my full potential by not pushing my resistances thus allowing myself to give in and diminish myself within limitations of the mind/ego/beliefs.

I commit myself to stand as self-awareness that I am able to push myself in my resistances in each moment without mind projections of success/fail/win/loss.

I commit myself to realize my full potential through pushing my resistances, as my resistances show me the way to realizing myself and aligning myself with the principle of what is best for all.

I commit myself to become a living example of what is best for all through pushing my resistances and transcending the limitation of beliefs and thought projections which only exist and function within the energy based system of my mind.

I commit myself to changing myself and in so changing my world as me step by step until all is Equal and life can be born for real.