170 - Lost in China Dream

In my dream last night – I traveled to China with 2 friends for a vacation. Upon arriving we were very nervous and excited to be in this strange new place. I recall acting on this emotion and walking around in wonder. I found a deal on 3 months supply of Chinese food, and it was delivered to our apartment right when we arrived. The landlord showed us to our apartment, which had a very strange entrance. There were 3 sets of ladders to get to the doorway, each ladder was unlocked only after climbing the previous ladder – awkward entrance I thought to myself. One of my friends and I went out for a drive which triggered the main theme to the dream. I was not in full awareness during the drive, and as a consequence of that – we got lost. This was somewhat disastrous as we had no way of finding our way back to our apartment, as nobody spoke English.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on or out of emotion. When I find myself compromising myself through acting in emotional response, I stop and breathe to clear myself and then direct myself to take responsibility to stand equal to my words, speaking words which support myself and all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to expand my awareness of myself and so grow myself within directing myself in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being bad with directions. I realize that this definition of myself is based in a personality construct I have created for myself as an excuse not to take responsibility for myself to be in full awareness of what I am doing at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to desire to be more than who I am here in coveting praise and to be seen as special or more worthy than others. I realize that Universal Equality is the ultimate goal and therefore praise, credit and rewards are relatively insignificant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define process as awkward, in wanting to skip steps. I realize I created the system the way it is in spite of myself - therefore I must work with the existing system the way it currently exists - so that I can learn how to take responsibility to change it to support all Life Equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out frustrations on the physical reality, as if to blame the physical reality for not doing what I want it to do. When and as I see myself reacting in agitation or frustration towards the physical, I stop and breathe to clear myself within the realization that I must take responsibility to stop emotional reactions within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost in a strange place.

163 - Miss Breath and Miss Opportunity

Today I had to do an estimate.  During negotiations, I realized that I would not be able to do the job due to an outlet being in the wrong place.  For some reason, perhaps I figured it would take too long with the electrical work that needed to be relocated.  I quickly assumed that I would not be able to do the job, explained this to the client and closed negotiations saying I could come back when he had that issue fixed himself.

While I was driving home, it occurred to me that I probably could have done the relocation myself and charged the customer a little more for the time involved.  Why had I not seen that opportunity?  My assumption was quick, as the customer and I had been bartering over price - which was already very low, and this was causing me some frustration as I had already taken the time to drive all the way out there, which has already cost me 1/5th of the total job price in gas.

I see that I had already begun to become negative about the job, and when I realized that the plug had to be moved, I entertained a good feeling of not having to do the work with the excuse that I could not do it now.  The happy feeling was compounded by the negative feeling that I was not going to make any money, and I had in fact lost money by doing the estimate.  Within all of these feelings, I did not stop myself to assess the situation here as breath, trusting myself and the physical.  I was going by the emotion of how events like this had played out in the past - so I was in fear that the worst would happen.

The other point I realized is that, had I seen the opportunity to relocate the electrical myself and negotiated with the client for it, I may well have been upset with myself for undertaking the job, especially if there were any surprises as there always are in this line of work.  So it is a situation where I would judge myself either way.  The only solution to this is to remain here in breath, and not go into self-judgement for any reason.  Stop living my past and to live every moment as me, as breath.  I was aware of my breath the whole way to the clients house, however when I got there and the stress of the job kicked in, I lost all awareness and went on autopilot.

Business is more competitive in the winter here, and I had not prepared enough advertising for myself in the fall.  I had a job lined up which did not work out, and then expected to be able to get a job somewhere but that has not panned out either.  I will be exploring my options over the next little while to see where I can place myself to be effective and to support myself.   Besides that, process wise, things seem to be going well.


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to - when I encounter a stressful situation where I am in the vicinity of people - go on autopilot and forget my breath awareness causing me to make rash decisions and choices based in fear and how things have played out in the past.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed and controlled by systems as the projection of fear that the worst would happen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not realizing the opportunity to do the extra work and make some extra money from the situation.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to forget my newly learned skills of persuasion when dealing with clients - reciprocity, authority, scarcity, consistency, liking and consensus.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fail to direct myself in the most effective manner so that I am able to support myself and change my world to a world worth living in with Equality of Life as the principle we all live by.

I commit myself to pushing myself to remain in breath awareness when involved in stressful situations where other people are around.

I commit myself to stop living in past definitions and begin to take responsibility for me in all situations through breathing and living from the starting point of here - as seeing every situation as a completely new experience of myself here, equal to the physical reality.

I commit myself to the realization that, to walk this process of awareness in each moment is... to bring myself back from the state of absolute self-devaluation, where my existence hangs by a single strand of knowledge of myself, in the understanding that the whole universe has in fact betrayed me, as the reflection of my own self-betrayal.... to align myself with the actual starting point of myself here, as breath, so that I may create myself as Equal to all things, as the final end of all enslavement and beginning of Life without limitation or judgement, where the value of All is Equally precious as Life.
     

Day 151 – Android

I Watched the movie Prometheus tonight.  I here reflect on the character that played the robot/android.  I see how this character conducted himself to a strict regimen, taking speaking lessons upon waking up, and efficiently, at the same time eating breakfast.  This character expressed no feelings or emotions, as it had no capacity to do so given its internal programming, feeling and emotion was irrelevant and not necessary.  The function of the robot was to support the mission, and support human beings.

It is interesting, because this process (journey to life) would be interpreted by my mind as me ‘becoming a robot’ to no longer be subject to feelings and emotional programming. At the same time living within the primary function/principle of supporting all life in Equality.  

This fear, where my mind creates the idea that if I were to give up my mind as the program, I would become a robot, is deception.  The opposite is actually true – I already am a robot - if I am controlled by programs (thoughts/beliefs/opinions etc.) which trigger feelings and emotions which control me and cause me to act in self-interest and irresponsibility to life. 

So my responsibility, is not to stop all my feelings and emotions, but to stop judging them and being controlled by them.  In doing so, I learn to direct myself (and my feelings and emotions) in what is best for everyone, and my feelings and emotions are re-aligned, to no longer be based in self-interest, but are expressed in self-honesty and consideration for others – thus extended outward to include everything and everyone in existence, so that life can be supported, as without life, there would be no expression in or of existence.

I realize I have the power and responsibility to change and re-program myself using self-forgiveness as the tool of self-realization and self-correction.  In that, I am able to make the decision to live what is best for all, as Equality… equalizing myself with what is here, as my physical body, so I myself can be supported as an Equal, and all abuse of life can stop. 

So the point is to stop being a robot slave.

Join the Journey to Life

Day 140 – Nature Lover

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a Nature Lover which I realize is only a character personality I made up in my mind which serves to re-enforce the belief in my mind that I am someone special – which conveniently hides the fear of facing and seeing myself for who I really am - as Equal as the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the character role of the Nature Lover when i am in a natural environment, acting differently than I would otherwise if I were in an urban setting, not realizing that I am not fooling anyone but myself, actually trying to hide myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine seeing myself in Nature in my mind, and so believe that I am at peace with myself when I am in Nature.  I realize this is only the minds idea of peace, and is not real peace, because I am aware that the systems we have created which cause so much harm and exploitation of Life, still continue to exist and create terrible consequence, while I am enjoying myself in the feeble bubble of my mind as consciousness. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that Nature seems peaceful because Nature does not judge me as humans do, all the while the source of the judgements is within myself in fear of who I am.  In so I have fooled myself within the belief that Nature is a place where I can escape to, when in fact there is no escape from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘more sensitive’ and thus ‘better than’ others because I can sense an awareness in Nature while others cannot, and justify myself as a good person, while the world system that I helped to create is busy destroying and exploiting the natural environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to formulate a love relationship with Nature, as believing Nature to be ‘special’ and in so denying the Equality of life which exists in all things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to portray nature as ‘beautiful’ in polarity to the ‘ugliness’ and ‘nastiness’ of the world system. I realize that thoughts such as this only serve to create further conflict within participation in the judgemental beauty system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am gaining any kind of value for myself while interacting with nature or doing charitable work such as ‘saving the rain forest’.  I realize that charitable work such as this only serves to fuel and support the system of fear through conflict and disagreement.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my experience in nature as the awe and inspiring feeling is actually derived from me not understanding the nature of my reality – as how I have come to be as separate from nature, and thus I am in awe because I am in fear of Nature, as the fear of the unknown, and the fear of who I am as Nature.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the ‘loneliness’ feeling that comes over me when I am in Nature is a reflection of my own diminishment through separation of myself from Nature, by means of supporting and participating in consciousness.



I commit myself to create an actual agreement with myself to stand Equal and One with Nature, as I equally stand to create an Equal and One agreement with all of the systems of the world we have created, so that all Life may be Equal and One, and we may together return to physical Life in agreement, and so stop all abuse of Life forever.

I commit myself to realize that Nature is assisting and supporting me to realize who I am here as a physical being.

I commit myself to understand why I have created myself as separate from nature and so work to change myself to reverse the cause of separation within myself.

I commit myself to embrace myself here as what I have created myself as, and in so dissolve all fears of myself so that I may stop my mind and re-integrate to an Equal and One relationship with the physical world and Nature.