Day 209

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be specific enough with myself - as I acted on an idea I had, yet it did not materialize because I did not fully consider how to apply it, laying out each step in specificity before I went ahead with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the mind as the feeling of tiredness when I begin to write self forgiveness statements.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the positively charged energetic feeling of relief as having completed a long and arduous task, and so within that allow my mind to seek another positive experience of myself as a reward.  In that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - when I catch my mind wandering in search of the comfort of positive energy - attempt to blame myself rather than immediately apply self forgiveness and corrective application on the spot/point.  Within that,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that me - seeing the starting point/corresponding consequence - and thus stopping the thought is sufficient - when in fact I must fully address each point through self forgiveness and self-correction, so that I am fully here within complete awareness and responsibility to myself and my commitment to stand in each breath as Life as what is best for all.  Me desiring/wanting a reward of comfort or relief does not relieve or solve the deception and suffering that exists in this world.

Feeling of tiredness persisted - took a walk outside and it has passed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and do too much and over step my practical responsibilities/alignment points in the belief that I can do everything by myself.  In that,  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of guilt for not having been as effective as possible in the past.

I commit myself to continue to push my resistances of consistently establishing and directing my breath - as the trap I have set to catch my mind before consequence is created.

I commit myself to be specific with planning my days so that I do not allow any points of justification to hide beneath good ideas or good intentions.

I commit myself  to fully realize that while my body must rest - to 'rest' as who I am is to abdicate myself to the control of the mind - is unacceptable.   I must breathe every breath as me, and stand Equal to the physical as all that is here.

Within that I realize that the times which seem more difficult to direct my breathing (typically between noon and 4pm) it is essential that I push myself specifically during these times so as to maintain consistency and continuity of my application.

170 - Lost in China Dream

In my dream last night – I traveled to China with 2 friends for a vacation. Upon arriving we were very nervous and excited to be in this strange new place. I recall acting on this emotion and walking around in wonder. I found a deal on 3 months supply of Chinese food, and it was delivered to our apartment right when we arrived. The landlord showed us to our apartment, which had a very strange entrance. There were 3 sets of ladders to get to the doorway, each ladder was unlocked only after climbing the previous ladder – awkward entrance I thought to myself. One of my friends and I went out for a drive which triggered the main theme to the dream. I was not in full awareness during the drive, and as a consequence of that – we got lost. This was somewhat disastrous as we had no way of finding our way back to our apartment, as nobody spoke English.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on or out of emotion. When I find myself compromising myself through acting in emotional response, I stop and breathe to clear myself and then direct myself to take responsibility to stand equal to my words, speaking words which support myself and all.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to expand my awareness of myself and so grow myself within directing myself in the best interest of all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being bad with directions. I realize that this definition of myself is based in a personality construct I have created for myself as an excuse not to take responsibility for myself to be in full awareness of what I am doing at all times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to desire to be more than who I am here in coveting praise and to be seen as special or more worthy than others. I realize that Universal Equality is the ultimate goal and therefore praise, credit and rewards are relatively insignificant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define process as awkward, in wanting to skip steps. I realize I created the system the way it is in spite of myself - therefore I must work with the existing system the way it currently exists - so that I can learn how to take responsibility to change it to support all Life Equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take out frustrations on the physical reality, as if to blame the physical reality for not doing what I want it to do. When and as I see myself reacting in agitation or frustration towards the physical, I stop and breathe to clear myself within the realization that I must take responsibility to stop emotional reactions within myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting lost in a strange place.

Day 47 - Confidence, potential and opportunity

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel guilty for no reason when I find myself around others whom - within the system - would be defined as 'of a higher class' or 'of higher intellect/status'.  I realize that this guilty feeling is based on my past identity of myself where I had for so long thought of myself as less then others, not standing equal to other physical beings in my life because I thought and believed that I was somehow 'less than' because I was aware of the abusive nature of our reality.  I realize that in me not wanting/understanding how to change myself to align myself with what is best for all, I abdicated myself through a belief system of 'making myself less than others' within the belief that I would not have to take responsibility for myself and my world as standing as an Equal in every way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself in playing the role of a humble person in that I do not stand up to direct a situation because I am still clinging to a personality role as opposed to moving and directing myself in ways that would support all as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself within limiting my awareness as being fully present in the moment, and so not realizing and so passing up amazing opportunities to share insight and understanding of Equality and how others can support themselves in stopping the mind of enslavement to thoughts/feelings and emotions

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the reactions and judgements of others if I should express a point in directing myself to carefully share a realization that would assist others to see how they can transcend a mind pattern.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit potential through placing others inside a defined box of how I believe they will react in a given situation.  I realize that those who directly or indirectly act or speak within mocking, spiteful, or abusive words or behavior, have no chance of self-realization.  Therefore I do not participate with such people unless I have no other choice in the matter. If that be the case, then I direct myself firmly and bluntly, without allowing myself to participate in any form of abuse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in backchat where I allowed myself to perceive and think of a woman as 'beautiful' - when I know full well that there is no such thing as beauty, and it is nowhere to be found in the entire universe. Beauty is deception because it exists within the polarity of Beauty/Ugliness and all polarity is based on personal opinion which is personality/ego based and is of the mind of thoughts and energy.

I commit myself to establish confidence within myself in every situation, allways prepared to stand accountable for every moment and every situation that arises so that I can direct it in full awareness of myself as Equal to all.

I commit myself to act within the certainty of what is necessary to be done, and therefore I can direct myself appropriately in being specific and focused on supporting life.

I commit myself to test myself and face resistances as a challenge to myself as challenging my beliefs and perceptions so that I may transcend all limitation and belief systems, and walk myself to nothingness with discipline and absolute self-will

I commit myself to face all fears directly and immediately upon realization so that I may no longer be subject to and enslaved within fears, as fear has no part in life.