Saturday, 26 January 2013
166 - Introspection
What am I good at? What is my talent or skill? Well I would not really say anything in particular, I would say that I have allowed myself to be balanced in a number of different skills, not limiting myself to just one or two. I enjoy a large variety of things, however some of the things that I would say that I enjoy are - hiking, biking, animals, nature etc... I don't see any opportunity to actually earn any money from doing these things. Its not that I like these things so much, but that due to the FUBAR design of society - these are the few things that on occasion I actually have opportunity to do.
The problem in the past has been me existing within hope - desiring to experience more than what I am able to with just one physical body. In addition to that, I have feared being stuck in any one particular situation or skill, fearing that I am missing something 'better' somewhere else. What I did not understand about this point is the starting point of myself here - instead, I saw other people were experiencing things without me, and I felt left out or abandoned/excluded. This caused me to feel sad, as the experience of me missing my own existence - I could not come to terms or understand this within myself, that all experiences were passing me by, and I was powerless to do anything about it, so I became anxious and tried to get as much out of experiences as I could, often bouncing from one group of people to the next. Kind of like flipping channels on the tv every time there is a commercial - I was very good at this, especially during sports. I don't watch tv anymore however.
So from listening to the Eqafe interview 'Missing out - Life Review' I was able to realize how I had been doing this in the past, and so now I see that this 'searching' for a better experience or to get more experiences of myself is grasping in vain and not being here fully as myself experiencing every moment with the fullness of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I was missing out on experiences of myself. I realize that I have only one body with which to experience myself, therefore to try and split myself up, or hurry from experience to experience is 'grasping' after an image in my mind in the fear of losing myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing experiences of myself and others, in the fear that these experiences could not ever be experienced again - which I realize is correct - however what I did not realize within this was that I was projecting my own fear of death, as me not knowing or understanding who I am here, and that I must accept and embrace myself here so that I can stand equal to life in living what is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear focusing on one subject or skill or practice so that I can become proficient in being able to master something that would support me and that I would enjoy doing.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn how to discipline myself and commit myself to learn how to do something that I must do to support myself and others.