Monday, 14 January 2013
Day 156 - Monkey On My Back
For many years I have been my own monkey on my back, dragging myself down with the extra weight of guilt and self-judgments, catering to memories of the past in attempt to right the massive wrong I experienced within and as myself - That I could not deny, only hide inside myself.
I could clearly see the disappointment I was becoming to myself, yet I attributed it to Gods will, Gods divine plan... Gods purpose..., Gods problem... the fault of everyone, and so Gods fault. I acted out on the revenge I sought within myself by sabotaging myself, sacrificing myself at the alter of my belief in God to try and get a reaction from God. See no evil, Speak no evil, Hear no evil. Although I did learn some things along the way, the problem only got worse and worse, as I clung with desperate hope to the idea that someday, somehow it would all be accounted for, people would pay for this neglect, and so it would all be made right again. Here is my shit thrown in my face... for not trusting myself, and for placing my trust in an idea that someone told me to believe. Eventually I was able to forgive myself for this, but I was too messed up inside to fix myself or realize the extent of the problem.
I can understand that this may have been necessary for me to realize myself here, so it's all I can do now to walk this process of self-honesty. Yet the question remains - Who the fuck am I now ? I don't even really know myself, I mean... I believe I know myself, as the idea in my head of who I should or could be, but that is not me, it is illusion. My egotistical mind still wanting to play the hero character. That is how I got into shit in the first place, trying to be the hero rather than realizing myself as an Equal in my reality. I have never actually lived absolutely as myself, as Equal to myself, as Equal to the physical and all of existence.
Thankfully I was able to realize the Desteni message, and I mean exceedingly thankful, as I would not trade this understanding of myself for anything in the world, literally. To now have the opportunity to establish an honest relationship with myself is a rather humbling experience, yet the reward of self-honesty is beyond all compare... it is never fully realized, as it always continues to give, and continues to grow beyond the capacity of our limited minds to understand. If we imagine heaven as blissful experience, well then certainly the greatest bliss to be found in this world full of suffering, is to stop the cause of suffering at the source, and so prevent the abuse of Life.
Join the Journey to Life as we Dump the Monkeys off our backs and walk the Process of extracting the Parasite that Leeches off our existence, and prevents us from Creating Heaven on Earth, as it should be for Everyone.
Artwork credited to - http://www.spraygraphic.com/ViewProject/2297/normal.html