Friday, 29 June 2012

Williams 7yr Journey to Life - Day 62

So much to write about.  I woke up feeling shitty and allowed that 'mood' to dictate my morning, through hiding from myself in a computer game of chess.  I was within limitation of the mind, blinding myself to the potential to move myself, and so not allowing myself to do anything constructive.  I was stuck in decision again... not sure what to do.  Trying to get myself out of my mindfuck by using my mind, comparing myself in my mind to the less fortunate.  So I try to be grateful, yet still fear of money exists.  The fear of god as money.  There is also the fear of being enslaved to responsibility, of having to work and slave for money, only to end up in a fuckup where I wont be seen as worthy of the money I worked for, and so become broke.  So I try to put shit out of my mind, fearing a mountain of consequences, which only makes matters worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subject to morning moods which are passed from the past of the last day.  Even thought that is what I just blogged about the day before, I realize - and commit myself - that I must discipline myself first thing in the morning to clear myself, as when I awaken in the morning, I am more susceptible to autopilot syndrome and thus allowing myself to feel down on myself and my situation. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear money and spending money - as fear of taking the risk.  I realize that everything in this matrix is a risk, whether I make a decision or refrain, I am risking myself as expressing myself within and as risk. I realize that I must write out what risks I plan to take so that I can check the starting point.  If the starting point is clear on paper as me moving myself to support myself, as well as all other factors being clear, I must move myself to make a decision and stay with it until it is time for change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to the less fortunate and thus use that comparison as a starting point for encouraging and moving myself.  This is a mindfuck because through this comparison, I end up feeling shitty about myself and my world.  I go into a limited perception of myself such as "everything is so fucked up, nothing I do will have any effect".  So then I just want to neglect myself.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to neglect myself because I do not see any potential outcome.  I realize that regardless of the fact of me being able to see my impact, I must walk the process of disciplining and directing myself here in the physical, and in so doing change myself to not be directed and controlled by energy.

By the time I was able to move myself, I went and did a job, which came together well.  I noticed some fear of expressing myself here as me when talking to the customer.  I tried to curb the conversation and eventually got to mention the abusive money system, gently pushing some points and took self-direction in the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself within conversation from the start.  I realize that I created the outflow through me allowing the conversation to go in the direction it was going - because I did not direct it immediately within breath, and so I had to curb the conversation to regain my directive principle.

I was able to tell both of the customers about equal money which was cool.

I then decided to go downtown as it was a warm evening.  Being around many people there, there were many observations to take note of, which I will share in the next blog.  It is interesting to note how my day did not go anything like what I expected it to be when I woke up in the morning, it ended up being quite interesting.  

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