Day 86 – Risk, Fear and Judgment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awful 

about myself, in that I have not done as much as I could have in the past 

because I have allowed myself to get discouraged with my situation and 

regrets/resentments of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others 

through arguing in my head as backchat in the belief that others are to blame 

for that I have created.I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed 

myself to judge myself as a failure and seek to give up on myself – as the 

‘good' feeling’ of spite in my mind having played the ‘ace in the hole’

where I feel better through vengeful thoughts of spite, in spite of

myself and all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear future 

outcomes based on my past where I am allowing myself to be controlled by 

fear as future projections of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself 

to myself in the past, where I believe I was doing better or worse in the 

past – not seeing the point that I am facing here.I forgive myself that I 

have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for each thought 

that comes up and so allow thoughts to go unchecked and accumulate into 

self-judgement and fear and self-sabotage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I 

can just coast through times of relaxation without pushing myself to direct 

myself in breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to 

become jealous of others who seem to have it easy in life with a well secured 

future, without realizing that each will have to face themselves as what they 

have created themselves as, thus we all face the same future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and blame 

myself because I have not fully walked my self-corrections, rather than do the 

work that needs to be done to correct myself through listing all the points 

and getting to the root of the issues. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame this process 

as the reason I do not have enough time to focus on work, when it is this process 

that is assisting and has assisted me to become more effective in every aspect of 

my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the process for 

me not being able to make more contacts/friends/relationships within the system, 

as within the system its “who you know” that gets you money and success.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not 

standing up for Equality, when it is myself who needs to perfect myself – the 

focus is always me so that I am standing absolute within myself, and then I will 

be able to assist others effectively.I forgive myself that I have accepted and 

allowed myself to blame “how I got into process” as an excuse as to why I can 

justify inaction and self-defeat, as I have trained myself in these characters of

justification.

I commit myself to write out all necessary Self Forgiveness statements so that I 

can again clear my starting point of all that must be corrected within myself 

and in so bring myself back to the starting point of here.I commit myself to take 

points of blame back to myself, not as blaming myself, but seeing why it is that 

I want to blame others – as being an excuse, so that I can use when my fear of 

failure manifests. Therefore I realize I must face all points of fear related to 

blame and stop pretending that I have no fear – If I have blame, I have fear.

I commit myself to, when I see that I am in a state of mind of 

self-defeat/discouragement – use it as an opportunity to see what points are 

activated through writing.I commit myself realize that fear of the future is of 

the mind and not real, and that getting discouraged with myself is based on past 

experiences.

I commit myself to realize that there is no stopping Equality, and that the 

outcome of changing and aligning myself to live what is best for all has great 

reward for all life in the end, as the true beginningof life, freed from all 

enslavement forever.I commit myself to exercise my opportunity to work on myself 

and push myself to become the directive principle in my life through pushing

myself to breathe every breath and face myself, as there is no point

complaining about it or putting it off, the sooner I perfect myself,

the better for all. 

Williams 7yr Journey to Life - Day 62

So much to write about.  I woke up feeling shitty and allowed that 'mood' to dictate my morning, through hiding from myself in a computer game of chess.  I was within limitation of the mind, blinding myself to the potential to move myself, and so not allowing myself to do anything constructive.  I was stuck in decision again... not sure what to do.  Trying to get myself out of my mindfuck by using my mind, comparing myself in my mind to the less fortunate.  So I try to be grateful, yet still fear of money exists.  The fear of god as money.  There is also the fear of being enslaved to responsibility, of having to work and slave for money, only to end up in a fuckup where I wont be seen as worthy of the money I worked for, and so become broke.  So I try to put shit out of my mind, fearing a mountain of consequences, which only makes matters worse.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be subject to morning moods which are passed from the past of the last day.  Even thought that is what I just blogged about the day before, I realize - and commit myself - that I must discipline myself first thing in the morning to clear myself, as when I awaken in the morning, I am more susceptible to autopilot syndrome and thus allowing myself to feel down on myself and my situation. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear money and spending money - as fear of taking the risk.  I realize that everything in this matrix is a risk, whether I make a decision or refrain, I am risking myself as expressing myself within and as risk. I realize that I must write out what risks I plan to take so that I can check the starting point.  If the starting point is clear on paper as me moving myself to support myself, as well as all other factors being clear, I must move myself to make a decision and stay with it until it is time for change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compare myself to the less fortunate and thus use that comparison as a starting point for encouraging and moving myself.  This is a mindfuck because through this comparison, I end up feeling shitty about myself and my world.  I go into a limited perception of myself such as "everything is so fucked up, nothing I do will have any effect".  So then I just want to neglect myself.

Within that, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire to neglect myself because I do not see any potential outcome.  I realize that regardless of the fact of me being able to see my impact, I must walk the process of disciplining and directing myself here in the physical, and in so doing change myself to not be directed and controlled by energy.

By the time I was able to move myself, I went and did a job, which came together well.  I noticed some fear of expressing myself here as me when talking to the customer.  I tried to curb the conversation and eventually got to mention the abusive money system, gently pushing some points and took self-direction in the conversation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not direct myself within conversation from the start.  I realize that I created the outflow through me allowing the conversation to go in the direction it was going - because I did not direct it immediately within breath, and so I had to curb the conversation to regain my directive principle.

I was able to tell both of the customers about equal money which was cool.

I then decided to go downtown as it was a warm evening.  Being around many people there, there were many observations to take note of, which I will share in the next blog.  It is interesting to note how my day did not go anything like what I expected it to be when I woke up in the morning, it ended up being quite interesting.