Day 192

Reading the document by Lao Tzu - Manifested Consequence - was very supportive.  I have read it a few times before, and it has each time revealed a deeper insight into myself.  This time I reflected on a few points which really hit home, so I will write them out here for myself.

I have not gotten to the point of absolute self-honesty yet.  There still exists separation within and as my mind where I have not been fully aware of myself in each moment.  Thus I have not fully made the connection from what I am creating, accepting, and allowing within myself - through not being fully aware in each moment, and thus allowing energetic re-actions to play out and create consequences.  This as well as repeated devaluation of myself within and as my mind through attempting to accommodate and infuse past beliefs, hopes, and desires into an idea of self-honesty where I portray myself as a good character in my mind in a positive energy experience of myself - an example being the point where in the past I have said to myself many times 'I think I have it this time'.  Because if I had really self-honestly changed in each moment - nothing would get by my self-honesty, as it would be me in each moment, equal and one.  There are still points where I have given value to personal experience as my mind, still trusting my mind as opposed to trusting myself to change and stand up.  Points where I still seek the 'easy way out' and/or try to escape myself, trying to escape the stress and anxiety I myself have created for myself, and/or desiring to give up on myself.  So I have to clarify for myself again within specificity exactly how and why I give value to these mind characters and experiences.

More to follow...