Day 142–Self Forgiveness on Self Denial–Dimensions

This post is a continuation from the previous day …
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-141-self-denial-dimensions.html

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to controlled by fear of others whom are threatening me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to avoid uncomfortable and/or stressful situations.  I realize that these situations must be faced and sorted out through doing what is practical common sense as what is necessary to be done, not out of anger or emotion, but from the starting point of here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to cause a conflict here” – I realize this as well as all the backchat below is/are a false justifications designed by myself so that I have an excuse as to not be direct with myself and others in doing what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “don't want to hurt anyone”. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I will talk about/deal with that later”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I would rather not deal with that right now”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to deal with that right now”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to waste my energy on describing this whole thing”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to impose my beliefs on x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to offend x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I deserve what I'm getting, and so I have to deal with the consequences.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “They will not understand/They don't/won't get it”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “Situation x will fail”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “What if situation x happens” – playing out worst case scenarios

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “What if desire x does not happen”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to expose myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want person x to hate me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want person x to think I'm using them”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want person x to be upset”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to be a bully”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I want to give others the opportunity to be responsible for themselves”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't know the answer”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I don't want to go there”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “What if I realize that I am at fault/guilty of x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “Its easier if I just play along”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I can't wait to be alone/free of person x”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the internal conversation within my mind as “I'm not self-righteous"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to push through the resistance to be direct with myself and others within having integrity to say what is necessary to be said in the moment, without fear of repercussions or what others might think, or how they may or may not react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with myself because I did not say what was necessary to be said in the moment, choosing rather to submit myself to fear of loss,  or fear of reactions from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel awkward when confronted with others due to me fearing the awkward moment as fear of myself, fear that I am not going to be able to say what must be said, and fear of being uncomfortable in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pity myself because of the negative energy connotation I have given to the experience of myself, and in so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire the positive energy experience of myself through fantasizing within my mind about things that would make me happy rather than take responsibility to express myself and be here in the physical rather than imaginary realms of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for what has transpired in my life, and so desire to see them suffer in my mind.  I realize that this is self dishonesty as me not taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to get an energetic high within conversing with others.  I realize that this desire is based on a personality system I have created where I have sought to avoid myself as who I am here in as a physical being, as an Equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to appease others in order to avoid facing myself directly with integrity to say what is necessary to be said regardless of what the other will think of me afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by my mind within the reaction of tiredness, as this is the mind telling me that I am tired in order to try and avoid myself here, when I am not actually tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to slouch back or scratch my head when I am speaking with someone as a form of resistance to being here as breath in self-honesty and directly saying what is necessary to be said.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I cannot change the situation, when that is not the actuality whatsoever as I am here constantly changing and able to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am stuck in a situation, when that is not the case and only exists as my minds idea to keep me enslaved to self-pity and feeling down on myself .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have done everything I can do, when as long as there is inequality, there is work to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there are no consequences for my actions because I do not see them immediately.  I realize that there is always consequence despite my ability to actually see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing personal experiences of myself in self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to fantasize to myself in my mind what it would be like if situation x happened in the physical.   I realize that this is an energetic experience of myself and therefore not real, but spiting myself from the physical and diminishing myself through dishonestly trying to exist in two worlds at once.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will be disappointed with me or put out if I express myself in self-honesty, in so valuing others as being of ‘more value’ than myself, not seeing myself as an equal participant in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the inferior/superior polarity as well as the dominant/submissive characters based on the perception that to stand inferior is to be humble, as well as the perception that to be dominant is to be successful.  I realize this is abusive to myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that someone will criticize me and consequently going into anger and self-punishment and self-denial.   I realize that these fears are self created self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will use my expression as leverage to gain advantage over me.  I realize that I am responsible for myself and that if I project fears, then they will materialize as a reflection of what I accept and allow in my world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself here as who I am as a physical being.  In so, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as less than others or of less value or of more value in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure as within the belief that I will have to put great effort into working with myself and others within the fear of wasting my time within the fear of failure.  I realize that failure is necessary for me to understand that things will only work when everyone works together for the common good of all – and that is the only solution.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to move myself and direct myself and trust myself within the understanding of living what is best for all is the only way to live.

Self Support available at Eqafe.com

Day 141 - Self Denial Dimensions

 
Continuation from previous posts…
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-130-self-denial.html
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-131-self-denial-part-2.html
http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-132-self-denial-part-3.html
 
Triggers/Memories
Typically prominent when I am confronted and/or speaking with another person, yet also occurring when I am alone. Example memory - I recall when I was young, a situation where person x getting very aggressive with me.
 
Being in daycare at the time, it was winter and I had a full face mask to protect from the cold. Perhaps out of nervousness of attending daycare (I cannot recall), I chewed on the mouthpiece of the mask. Person z was asked to wear the mask by Person x, and did not want to wear it because he thought it was gross (it was all mangled up). Person x asked me why I chewed on the mouthpiece, and I replied “because it was juicy…” (lol). Person x immediately went into a rage, grabbed me by my jacket and threw me into the front seat of the car from the back. Person x began cursing and yelling at me “Why the @#$% did you do that!?”. Being in fear, I did not know what else to reply or what Person x wanted me to reply, so I kept repeating I don't know.
 
There were many similar occurrences in which I allowed myself to go into self-denial/suppression. In so I developed the personality character of Self-denial, preferring not to speak or express myself due to fear of others being disappointed with me or reacting in rage/anger that would potentially cause an uncomfortable or stressful situation which I sought to avoid.
 
 
Thoughts - Justifications and excuses
“I don't want to cause a conflict here”
“I don't want to hurt anyone”
“I will talk about/deal with that later”.
“I would rather not deal with that right now”
“I don't want to deal with that right now”
“I don't want to waste my energy on describing this whole thing”
“I don't want to impose my beliefs on x”
“I don't want to offend x”
“I deserve what I'm getting, and so I have to deal with the consequences”
“They will not understand”
“They don't/won't get it”
“Situation x will fail”
“What if situation x happens” – playing out worst case scenarios
“What if desire x does not happen”
“I don't want to expose myself”
“I don't want person x to hate me”
“I don't want person x to think I'm using them”
“I don't want person x to be upset”
“I don't want to be a bully”
“I want to give others the opportunity to be responsible for themselves”
“I don't know the answer”
“I don't want to go there”
“What if I realize that I am at fault/guilty of x”
“Its easier if I just play along”
“I can't wait to be alone/free of person x”
"I'm not self-righteous"
 
 
Feelings/Emotions
Resistance/Reluctance to direct myself. Frustration. Awkwardness. Sadness as self-pity where I create a positive energy experience of myself – to compensate for the negative experience I had of self-denial) within the point that I can blame someone else, and then enjoy going into my 'happy place' in my mind, where I can create all kinds of fantasies of imagining the other person suffering, and myself playing out and enjoying all of the things (expressions and dreams) that I feel I have been denied in my life by others - through blame.
 
 
Physical
Through taking directive principle in a conversation this evening, I realize that it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part, whereas before I could just relax and let my mind do all the work for me, only speaking to appease the other, or facilitate the conversation when I wanted to get an energetic high. Also noticing physical resistance as tiredness, and wanting to slouch back in my chair. Scratching/Rubbing my head (for luck hhh).
 
 
Beliefs/Perceptions
Belief that I cannot change the situation. Belief that I am stuck in this situation. Belief that I've done everything I can do. Belief that there are no consequences because I do not see them here now.
 
 
Desires
Desire for personal experience in self-interest, and so fear losing personal experience. Desire to fantasize what it would be like if situation x happened in real life, how I would express myself – yet only creating it in imagination dimension.
 
 
Fears
Fear someone will be disappointed or 'put out' if I express myself. Valuing others as being of more value than myself, as playing out the inferior/submissive personality character based on the perception that to be inferior is to be humble. Based in the starting point of me allowing others to take responsibility for themselves, not realizing that I was avoiding taking responsibility for myself, not understanding myself as an Equal participant or how I had been suppressing myself.
 
Fear someone will criticize me, and cause me to go into a reaction of anger and consequently self-punishment, which I also feared, as I have seen the destructive consequences of my anger. Fear others will use my expression as leverage to gain advantage over me and/or make fun of me within the context of fear of not being liked and/or accepted by others. Not accepting myself for who I am. Fear of having to put out all kinds of effort, but believing that nothing will come of it as everything has failed in the past.
 
 
Consequences
Finding myself in situations I despise and desperately do not wish to be in. Being in situations where I am forced to do something regardless of whether or not I wish to do it or not. This has the resulting consequence of me going into stress, frustration, and anger with more spin-off consequences of those patterns/systems of enslavement.
 
 
Correction
Move and direct myself to take directive principle
 
Self Forgiveness and Correction to follow in next post…

Day 140 – Nature Lover

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am a Nature Lover which I realize is only a character personality I made up in my mind which serves to re-enforce the belief in my mind that I am someone special – which conveniently hides the fear of facing and seeing myself for who I really am - as Equal as the physical.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on the character role of the Nature Lover when i am in a natural environment, acting differently than I would otherwise if I were in an urban setting, not realizing that I am not fooling anyone but myself, actually trying to hide myself from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine seeing myself in Nature in my mind, and so believe that I am at peace with myself when I am in Nature.  I realize this is only the minds idea of peace, and is not real peace, because I am aware that the systems we have created which cause so much harm and exploitation of Life, still continue to exist and create terrible consequence, while I am enjoying myself in the feeble bubble of my mind as consciousness. 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that Nature seems peaceful because Nature does not judge me as humans do, all the while the source of the judgements is within myself in fear of who I am.  In so I have fooled myself within the belief that Nature is a place where I can escape to, when in fact there is no escape from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘more sensitive’ and thus ‘better than’ others because I can sense an awareness in Nature while others cannot, and justify myself as a good person, while the world system that I helped to create is busy destroying and exploiting the natural environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to formulate a love relationship with Nature, as believing Nature to be ‘special’ and in so denying the Equality of life which exists in all things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to portray nature as ‘beautiful’ in polarity to the ‘ugliness’ and ‘nastiness’ of the world system. I realize that thoughts such as this only serve to create further conflict within participation in the judgemental beauty system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am gaining any kind of value for myself while interacting with nature or doing charitable work such as ‘saving the rain forest’.  I realize that charitable work such as this only serves to fuel and support the system of fear through conflict and disagreement.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my experience in nature as the awe and inspiring feeling is actually derived from me not understanding the nature of my reality – as how I have come to be as separate from nature, and thus I am in awe because I am in fear of Nature, as the fear of the unknown, and the fear of who I am as Nature.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the ‘loneliness’ feeling that comes over me when I am in Nature is a reflection of my own diminishment through separation of myself from Nature, by means of supporting and participating in consciousness.



I commit myself to create an actual agreement with myself to stand Equal and One with Nature, as I equally stand to create an Equal and One agreement with all of the systems of the world we have created, so that all Life may be Equal and One, and we may together return to physical Life in agreement, and so stop all abuse of Life forever.

I commit myself to realize that Nature is assisting and supporting me to realize who I am here as a physical being.

I commit myself to understand why I have created myself as separate from nature and so work to change myself to reverse the cause of separation within myself.

I commit myself to embrace myself here as what I have created myself as, and in so dissolve all fears of myself so that I may stop my mind and re-integrate to an Equal and One relationship with the physical world and Nature.

Day 139 – Reason to Live

Woke up this morning and it occurred to me.  It’s Saturday.  I remember being a kid, Saturdays were so fun, I would get up in great anticipation and watch cartoons, and then enjoy my time playing with friends.  It seemed like an exciting adventure.

Today when I woke up, I realize I did not want to get up, because I have no personal desire or ‘reason’ to live.  Sure there are some mildly enjoyable moments, like eating, or writing, or watching a movie. I suppose sex and intimacy could be included, but that I have found to be brief, self-comforting medication only to pacify the greater issue.  All of the love in this world is used as a justification to remain in ignorance and not take responsibility.  The only thing there is to ‘gain’ in this world is selfish experiences… and that is not gain, it is denial and diminishment.  

When we realize how we have created ourselves in this world of the lifeless and selfish… all for profit, competition, and money -excitement, adventure, hopes, and fantasies we had of living, all fade, and are exposed for the false ideals that they were.

We are slaves to our own creation, as selfish desires and therefore we are completely subject to the horrible consequences of such.  Working and fighting merely to survive in hell.  No wonder I have to push myself to get out of bed.  My whole life I thought there was actually something to gain, which created excitement in me as energy, which I lived on as the fuel for the experience of myself.  Realizing the fallacy in this, what joy is there in living, as long as the rest of the world suffers and is enslaved?  Minimal at best.

I see why many people do not wish to face the truth of themselves, because if they did, then they would have to give up their energetic reason for living – as it is always self interest – and that does not serve the best interest of All to stop the abuse of life. 

Equal Money will change everything.

Day 138–Camping Stories II

Continuing on my first solo camping trip into Algonquin park – Part 1 here.

So I had planned out my whole trip quite well, the route I would take, and all my meals etc.  I have a small gas stove in case there was a fire ban, a long sleeve shirt and hat to protect from the sun, lots of dry food like trail mix and things that would not rot on route.  I also had a water purifier, although at that time it was ok to drink right from some of the lakes, with only minimal risk of getting beaver fever. 

It was the first night on Opeongo Lake where I encountered my little friend.  I was lying in my tent half asleep, when I felt something fall on my sleeping bag.  Before I knew it, it had crawled up right to the top and was on my chest – I could barely make out his shadow, he just sat there, looking down at me as if to say ‘Hey, who are you?’.  I brushed him off and he scurried away.  I still don’t know how he got in or out, as I could not find any holes in my tent. 

At nightfall, I could clearly hear the echoing sound of the Loons… it  was haunting.  That alone is enough to make me want to go back there again.  (Here is a good clip of Loons calling).  I was actually stirred out of a dream that night to their calls, and fascinatingly enough, the sounds had merged with my dream which needless to say, was quite strange.  Not long after, to my surprise I also heard the sound of coyotes or wolves howling in the distance.  It was a spooky… a crying sort of sound, to which I was in awe for a while after words.  

I portaged roughly 5km to get to my second destination, where I planned to stay on Little Crow lake for the second night, but I was excited to head up Crow river to get to my next campsite.  It was a lot farther than I had planned for, as the river was small and very winding.  The wind was strong and against me for the most part, as it was a flat area with lots of long grass.  This paddle took me roughly 4 hours or so.  I met a couple in a canoe coming the other way, and recall asking them if it was much farther to the next portages, which they said no, thankfully, as I was getting tired.

It was along this route that I came around a corner, and suddenly there was this huge Moose in the water 20 feet in front of me!  (not quite as big as this one though) The wind was pushing me towards him, so I had to quickly back-paddle. He was grazing in the water and didn’t even flinch when I saw him.  So I sat observing him for about 15 minutes. 

I recall the clouds getting dark, there was a storm approaching, and I was nowhere near my destination.  This of course, is the perfect time to get lost.  The river I was on was getting narrower and narrower, until I was getting covered in cob webs from the grass as my canoe scraped by.  When I finally turned around I did not know which way to go.  Being religious at the time, and a bit distressed, I asked God to show me the way – no response.  About 10 minutes later and a few more prayers, I saw a pack of ducks take off.  This I took for a sign, and headed in that direction, and luckily it was the right one.  The sky was very dark now, and I had to paddle like crazy to get across the lake to my campsite without getting soaked or struck by lightning.

The next day I had some time to take a hike and check out the large Red pine trees along an old trail in the area around Dickson Lake.  And being the only one on the lake, I got a really cool island campsite for the first time.  Little did I realize how fortunate that would turn out.  As night settled in, I was sitting by the fire and I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. “What the hell is that?” I wondered.  It was a light in the sky.  “hmm… weird” I thought, kind of spooked, not knowing what it was.  “Aliens” I thought lol.

Then I saw it again, and again, until I finally figured it out.  It was the Northern Lights.  “Ahh Cool” I said to myself, as I put my sleeping bag on a flat rock area with no trees obstructing my view so I could lay back to observe the free spectacle.  And an Amazing spectacle it was…  they moved in and out, appearing out of nowhere, getting larger and brighter by the minute, until eventually they filled the entire sky!  I was astounded and could not stop saying “WOW!”.  No words can describe, and the link I gave does not even do justice to what I saw that night.  I have never seen anything like it.  They were coming in from all sides, and appeared to zoom up in an arc, heading straight up into the sky.  It gave me chills and this awesome sense of wonder, a feeling of infinity.  That was certainly something I did not, or could not have planned for, but thankfully, I was in the perfect spot at the perfect time to see it.  

To end my trip I had a 5.3km portage, which I did in 2 trips – one with my canoe and one with my pack – so 16 km in total.  Finally there was the 2 hr. paddle back via Opeongo Lake.  My back was sore by the end of that run.

Overall it was a fun journey.  These days however, I am on a different kind of journey – the Journey to Life. This particular adventure has many fascinating and surprising turns of its own.  Anyone is able to take it, if one can find the the courage to face ones fears and stop denying what we have all allowed to exist in this world.  This has to change, and we all have to change, so we can stand and work together to become the solution, rather than the problem in our world.  The Journey to Life is the Ultimate Adventure of All Time, and I would not trade it for anything.

Day 137 – Camping Stories

I was privileged enough when I was young to go to summer camp. For the most part they were great adventures with many intriguing experiences.  One such camp was a horse riding camp, where we learned to ride horses which was all new to me at the time.

The horses seemed intimidating as they were quite large and strong animals, and there were many stories going around of how people had been injured.  One day I recall seeing one of the campers lying face up on the ground.  One of the horses with a reputation of being wild had ripped off a fence post and it struck him knocking him out.   

One day we had planned to take the horses for an overnight trail ride.  Somewhere along the trail my horse got spooked for some reason and took off running through the trees.  I did not know what to do as branches were flying and scraping across my face, in that one instant, I had to decide whether to hang on or jump off.  I decided to just bend my head down and ride it out and fortunately to my relief, the horse came to a halt after only 60 feet or so. 

I enjoyed all aspects of the camping experience, walking trails, cabin bunking, sleeping in a tent, learning to build fires, archery and canoeing.  Through these experiences I developed a passion for nature and being in the wilderness.

As I got older, I began camping with friends.  I then learned of a large national park – Algonquin Park - a few hours away from where I live , so some friends and I planned to take a canoe trip there.  There are many stories to tell, but I will try to keep it short. Suffice to say it was an awesome experience.

I desperately wanted to go back.  So a few years later,  I decided to take a 5 day solo canoe trip, portaging deep into the middle of Algonquin Park.  I saw it as kind of a test for myself, facing my fears and admittedly, in a small way seeking to gain some image for myself.  But mostly, I wanted to experience the solitude – being alone with myself in nature was something very mystical to me.  I loved the idea of being in nature, seeking an escape from city life and all the associated stresses and problems.  

There were many challenges, beautiful rivers and landscapes as well as a number of awe inspiring experiences on this first solo voyage.  My flashlight batteries died on the very first night, which needless to say was somewhat concerning, as darkness is pitch black with no moon. 

Bears were a big fear as well, as I had heard the stories of people being attacked and killed in the past.  I recall having a nap in the middle of the afternoon, suddenly waking up upon hearing a very loud noise outside my tent.  I jumped outside my tent in panic only to realize there was nothing there.  Funny how the mind can play tricks on you when you have fear of something happening.

In the next post I will share the other fascinating stories of events that happened on this journey.  The story of the inquisitive mouse, the suddenly appearing moose, and the event that caused me to say ‘wow’ a hundred times…

Day 136 – Outlining the Solution to Myself

 

 

So I noticed a pattern - within a pattern - in my process.  When I see and identify a point within myself, to where it becomes clear, I embody the point.  That is to say, not only do I recognize it, but the point becomes ‘active’.  So when its a big point – such as the point I recently dealt with (Self-denial).  Not only am I more ‘aware’ of it - despite the self-forgiveness I had done on the point - the construct is still playing out, as I am still denying myself in areas of my life.

This shows me I have some work to do in order to walk the solution for myself.  I realize it is a very broad issue, so I will have to break it down into smaller pieces (using memories) before the whole construct is resolved.

For instance, I had committed myself to get out of bed as soon as I woke up.  To start my day, however I hit the snooze button a few times and did not wake up for an hour and a half after my alarm went off – demonstrating to me my routine as allowing myself to drift back to sleep and not stand self-directed.  Mornings I notice draining energetic emotions going on within me.  

The emotions are based in resentment for the past - frustration within myself because I realize that I did not live to my fullest potential in my life, due to misaligned valuation of myself and consequently self-denial.  As long as self-denial is the controlling system in me, I will have emotional reactions and fear that I will not live my fullest potential.  

Perhaps one of the main points is that I fear ‘failure’, (not trusting myself) due to having programmed myself into self-denial through constant suppressions in my past, which lead to self-compromise, and consequently emotional turmoil and frustration - ‘thinking’ to myself that was the only solution.  The spiral or catch 22 of that is that it leads to more self-denial, and resentment of myself and others.

How to get out of this?

The only way to establish self-trust within myself is to take responsibility to place myself into a position where I am using my abilities to their fullest potential.  Not a desire to be more than myself, just to be honest and effective with myself. 

My mind tells me there are no opportunities to live my fullest potential because I have tried in the past and things ‘didn’t work out’ for whatever reasons…, but I must realize that I must always work with what is here - with myself, to create opportunities and build self-trust, solely on the basis of living self-support, life support, within understanding myself as Equality, which is actually the only real value, as the value of life itself.

Because I do not see opportunities, does not mean they do not exist.   Each moment is an opportunity.  I only have to clear myself of my past belief patterns of blame and self-compromise and self-denial. 

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the mind within a routine where I continually deny myself through not disciplining myself and taking self-directive principle.  I realize that this happens because of the energetically charged emotions which I have not seen the starting point of and cleared through self-forgiveness.  (Will write more on the specifics of this)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the desire for an energetic experience of myself as the release of emotions through spiting myself within self-denial, despite realizing the nature of how the system works within my as self compromise and diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can't stop the energy addiction when it is triggered within myself. I realize that I am able to stop as it is a decision that I must make to honor myself as life as equal to the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dishonor myself and not stick to my agreement with myself. I realize that I must work myself to a point where I no longer accept and allow any desire for energetic experience and within that, when I do not honor my commitment to myself – I am not happy with myself – yet when I do honor my commitment to myself, I feel good about myself as just being here taking responsibility for myself without any detrimental consequence.  Specifically, this is a practical point of application where I must establish a reliable system of self-support.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to clear my starting point with myself to here and see the starting point to all active systems within me causing self-compromise.

 

I commit myself to realize that I must push my resistances and be prepared for them early – writing first thing in the morning.

I commit myself to push myself to take self-directive principle in my life so I may not be enslaved to and directed by the mind consciousness system, but change myself to move myself and support myself.

Day 135–Reversing My Self-Hypnosis

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hypnotize myself into creating a relationship with energetic experiences, where I seek to avoid taking responsibility to do practical work at home, as defining it within myself as positive/negative/neutral – in order to seek to avoid or put off tasks that I am aware need to be done.

Waking up this morning, I realized there was an emotional charge within me as a sense of irritability and anger, causing me to not want to get out of bed.  At the time I decided to go back to sleep until it passed.  I realize that I must push through these resistances as emotional reactions of irritability and anger when they are here through breathing, and applying self-forgiveness so that I can direct myself to not be controlled by emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define circumstances as ‘bad’, based on the past week of experiences and what events have or have not transpired.  I realize that in doing so I am allowing my mind to dictate my life based on what has happened in the past through fearing further undesired consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program/hypnotize myself to ‘dislike’ the idea of working within the definitions I have created in my mind as;

- working is slavery

- working is dull and boring

- working sucks

- working is hard on my body

- working is a waste of time

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create these definitions of ‘what work is’ when actually it is nothing of the sort. 

I realize that I must work to support myself and others, and that I am not an island.  I am responsible to work to assist myself and others in the best way possible to support changing the current system to one that supports all life Equally.  Therefore here I will re-define work for myself as just that – self support, moving myself in directly taking care of myself and others. 

In so I realize that working is not any of those definitions of my mind, but merely me being here and practically applying myself and supporting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stagnate in a state of self-hypnosis, as me being reluctant to discipline myself in each moment, preferring to avoid the situation all together within the justification that I can deal with things later.

I realize that in order to be effective with myself, I must first address the energetic/emotional charges within myself so that I can clear my starting point to here as breath.  For this, I will now start the day with writing and establishing my breathing point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive relationship energy experience to relaxing and doing things that do not support myself, as me avoiding my responsibilities and procrastinating due to the nature of the defined relationship ideas I have created in my mind. 

Also I realize there is backchat regarding the season and my mind telling me that ‘I wont be able to get any work, as it is the holiday season’.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hypnotized and controlled by mind chatter, as opposed to realizing I must take responsibility to make an effort despite my expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing my resistances, as fearing that there are too many to deal with.  I realize I must focus myself to address and deal with each resistance as it is here in so that I can deal with them effectively step by step.

I commit myself to pushing myself to get out of bed as soon as I get up in the morning.  If there are resistances such as irritability, I commit myself to writing them out first thing and clearing my starting point to here as breath

I commit myself to start my day with writing out any points of self-forgiveness that need to be addressed

I commit myself to developing self-discipline within myself through removing positive and negative energetic charges as mind created definitions which only induce my own self-hypnosis.

I commit myself to reverse my self-hypnosis through applying self-forgiveness aloud to myself when I see issues within myself.

I commit myself push myself to clear my starting point to here so that I am prepared for each new situation that arises within my day.

I commit myself to value each moment Equally, to stop defining moments within positive/negative/neutral energetic charges so that I can Equalize myself here in each moment. When and as I feel any energetic charge within me as a self-defined moment being better than or worse than another, I address the point and make a note to myself to do self-forgiveness if I am not able to do it at the present time.

Day 134– Re-Alignment

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hypnotize myself into just going with the flow of how I feel rather than push myself to take responsibility in each moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying what I need to say in front of others because I fear they will be disappointed with me. I realize that this system of fearing speaking to others directly is actually coming from me trying to be a nice person and, wanting to help others or make them feel better about themselves, as I play the helping and considerate character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not push myself because of feelings of guilt and or discouragement of the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as being in a slump rather than write myself out and clear myself immediately when I notice feelings of guilt and regret for things I have done in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to outright neglect facing myself and doing what is necessary to be done based on my decision to honour my commitment to myself and all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this process lightly. I realize that I must constantly apply myself regardless of the situation I am in

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to avoid myself, thinking that everything is ok and I can do things later when I am feeling better about myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can escape myself and that my responsibilities wont pile up or have consequence.

I commit myself to push myself to live each moment as breath.

I commit myself to taking directive principle in my life despite what anyone says or wants me to do.

I commit myself to no longer allow myself to be swayed by personal desires that do not serve the best interest of all.

I commit myself to be specific with myself with each system that comes up within me, to write it out and establish how I will address it through forgiveness and self correction.

I commit myself to do everything I can to stabilize myself in a constant state of preparedness within breath.

I commit myself to changing myself so that I am no longer any part of a personality, so that I always move as self-direction in the best interest of all.

I commit myself to not wait for things to pile up on me before I take action to clear my starting point and re-align myself within writing and being here as breath.

Day 133 - Redefining Success

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear future outcomes as fear of failure, and in so deny myself the opportunity to challenge myself and partake in the adventure of becoming life.  I realize that fear of failure is not only ridiculous because it is not here, but that it only exists as an idea in my mind based on the extensive limitations I have imposed on myself in the past – based on past experiences, acceptances and allowances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to second guess myself as who I am here.  I realize that when I am in absolute alignment with myself - that all opportunities that present themselves are opportunities for me to not only transcend points within myself, but accumulate to assist others to realization so that we can create a world of Equality that is best for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to beliefs of how the future will play out as participating within the belief systems of my mind, thinking within the limited box of my predefined limitation systems - rather than challenging myself in each moment to assist myself to stand in absolute acceptance of myself here as my commitment to myself as Equal. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself by imposing limitations on myself which are not the actuality of what is here as me, but fears. I realize that when I stop limiting myself and fearing myself, the possibilities are endless. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear taking risks, as I realize that I have a responsibility to participate within the risk system as moving myself to face myself, expand myself and so develop self-trust until life is Equal and risk no longer exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define success as negative, greedy, and selfish.  I realize that within my process I am responsible to be successful so that I may support myself and better assist others, so that Equality can be realized and established in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself opportunities to be successful due to the limitations and beliefs of the past.

I commit myself to realize success for and as myself here expanding myself and sharing myself with all in the journey to Life.

I commit myself to redefine success as me moving myself, supporting myself, trust myself, and change myself to realize new opportunities to create a world that is best for everyone.

I commit myself to push my resistances and walk through them with the goal of embracing the challenge to become successful.

I commit myself to doing whatever is necessary to be done to succeed in changing this world from this atrocious mess into a place where life is honored, as Equality.

Day 132 – Self Denial Part 3

 

 

Self Forgiveness on Self Denial

Continuation from…

Part 1 http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-130-self-denial.html

Part 2  http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-131-self-denial-part-2.html

Resistances to Facing the point of Self-Denial

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with myself for allowing myself to Deny myself.  I realize the past cannot be changed therefore anger will not resolve the issue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by anger over what has transpired in the past as me blaming myself for allowing myself to Deny myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I cannot find all the source points of Self-Denial, when I realize this is mind chatter as the mind attempting to dissuade me from facing the point and walking through it.  I must simply slow myself down and trust myself within breath to walk through all the points to clearly see the starting point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will have no value should I stop the points of Self-Denial within myself and be honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will impose myself as a system onto others should I stop the dishonest points of Self-Denial within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes and messing things up through self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have nothing to contribute

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my contribution will be judged as inadequate as me projecting and judging myself in the future through the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having a debilitating condition and having to have someone take care of me.

 

First Occurrences of Self-Denial

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge my stepmother as an evil person, and in so not take responsibility for myself and what I allowed within myself as Self-Denial.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my parents and create images of killing my parents in my mind through the emotions of anger and frustration coming from my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of what life should be like as opposed to taking responsibility for what is here as me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself when I was young as seeing myself for who I really am here.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to see clearly what I had to do to be honest with myself in life, and so create clear direction within myself and my living experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose abstinence and rebellion as my direction in life in spite of myself and others and in an attempt to get revenge on the system as me having blamed the system for my own self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall for all the religious stories and so feel guilty and obligated to act according to religious values and ‘have faith’ in a god that did not exist in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate myself as my Self-trust and Self-honesty, as a form of Self-Denial within myself in favour of believing fables of religious programming. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘go with the flow’ without realizing that this was obvious dishonesty with myself, as I was lead into all sorts of situations which I did not want to be in, because I did not take responsibility for directing myself, and so I faced the consequences of the decisions of others and my own lack of decision making.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to a person as macho, bullying, egotistical and belittling, not realizing that I was creating a judgement which reflected back onto myself and so I acted on that judgement in spite of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a person by and through a personality rather than taking responsibility for myself first to correct myself so I can assist all to self-realization as Equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the idea that I could escape, get revenge, be happy for myself, or change the system through the act of rebellion.  I realize that I created the system therefore I am responsible to stand within and as it in order to take responsibility to correct what I have accepted and allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the emotion of hate onto an idea I created about how the system functions, and so doing hide myself from my responsibility to engage myself within the system so that I could actually support Equality as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become romanticized by the idea of ‘living for today’ in my own selfish self interest, rather than take responsibility for myself and all in assisting to change the system to on that supports Equality and Equal Money for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value friendships and relationships as being of more value than life.

I forgive myself that I did not accept and allow myself to believe that the cruel thoughts I had in my head as a child were ‘me’, when actually they were pre-programmed images placed into my mind specifically so for the very reason to make me fear myself, and so not want to stand up and be honest with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Judge myself extensively within this point, and so blame myself and others when things did not turn out how I wanted them to as the negative energy experience of myself.  Then through that, try to balance myself within going into the opposite polarity, allowing myself to go into the positive energy experience of self-pity where I created the belief that I would have a future escape or redemption, as the belief that someone would make things right for me through getting revenge on all the people I blamed for my own dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to through Self-Denial, develop uncertainty with myself and compromise my Self-Trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from myself and believe that I was actually able to hide from myself, which is only self-deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a false personality and characterization so as to not have to face myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to escape from myself through believing in fables of religion and believing that there were other places in existence that I could go to that were not like how it is here, not realizing that I can never escape myself, and where-ever I go, I must face myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘go into a shell’ within the belief that I am safe and comfortable, in attempt to hide myself from the world in fear of myself and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take on a personality of inferiority, in so abdicating my responsibility to myself and all of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in self-honesty and so develop a fear of myself and speaking to others as introverted, fearing the judgements of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself, condemning myself through self-judgement without first clearing my starting point to here within breath and self-forgiveness so that I can move myself in living what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to avoid myself, as hide and seek with myself when I am right here and always have been here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate in the belief that I have time to do things later, when in actuality, time is against me because I created time as the trap for myself, so I must do what is necessary to be done in order to change this world so that I am no longer subject to time as the false representation that it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make poor decisions based only on my own self-interest and fear of survival, rather than trusting myself here to do what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irresponsible to myself and others through allowing Self-Denial within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself extensively through Self-Denial, and within so become pessimistic within expecting certain outcomes as the worst case scenario as demonstrating to me that I do not yet trust myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become ineffective in everything that I do because I have allowed so much Self-Denial within myself to compound and complicate matters.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my potential through going in cycles, round and round going over the same points over and over because I have not allowed myself to see the staring point and correct it to change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the emotional reactions of self-pity and self-hate. I realize these emotions only serve to show what I have accepted and allowed and that I must stop them so that they do not control me and usher me to negative consequences which I do not wish to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself as my past because I allowed Self-Denial to play out within me, as I played the game of Self-Dishonesty and got what I deserved – showing me that I must change myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my past, I realize that I cannot change my  past, all I can do is realize what the consequences of Self-Denial and Self-Dishonesty are so that I can change to never allow it to happen again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear diminishment and death as the consequences of what I have accepted and allowed within myself as Self-Denial and Self-Dishonesty.

Day 131 – Self Denial - Part 2

Continuation from http://transmutation-process.blogspot.com/2012/12/day-130-self-denial.html

Self-Denial.  An extensive, all encompassing point to say the least, with so many contributing factors and points of dishonesty and self-deception making itself appear somewhat daunting.  I have seen this point before, to a certain extent, however thanks to time and the Fibonacci spiral, it has once again come to revisit me.   It appears intimidating at first, because I only see the ‘path of destruction’ and consequence.  So to start I will ask myself some questions, as an interview with myself.

Why do I Not Want to Face this Point of Self-Denial?
-Angry with myself and others for allowing Self-Denial to happen.
-Angry that I cannot correct the past. 
-Angry and disillusioned because I now fear that I don’t even know or trust myself. 
-Fear and uncertainty of not being able to find all the source points of Self-Denial and correct them  effectively. 
-Subconsciously, Fear that in being honest with myself as my honest expression, I will not have any value, despite my understanding of Equality.
-Fear of artificially, accidentally, and/or overbearingly imposing myself on others. 
-Fear that because of what I have allowed in the past, I will only make mistakes and mess things up. 
-Fear that I have nothing to contribute. 
-Fear that my contribution will be judged as inadequate.
-Fear within taking responsibility of a physically debilitating condition and having to be a burden on someone.

What are the Initial Points (First occurrences) of Self-Denial Within Myself?
My parents were separated when I was young, around 5 or 6 and I was placed in my fathers custody.  I didn’t see my mother for many years after that.  My father re-married (my stepmother) and to me she was the most shallow, evil person I could have imagined in my worst nightmare. 

Initially, I had an idea of what life would be like, so I had a very ‘excited’ and ‘joyful’ (sometimes cocky lol) expression, which quickly faded and turned to inner dismay and extreme anger.
My parents were constantly discontent, very angry, and judgmental.  Looking back now, I would definitely classify this as abusive. I tried to make myself feel better through images of killing them in my mind.  I developed a deep hatred for both of them.

There were many others whom I hated in my childhood, partly out of blame, yet the experiences I had were far from the ideas I had of what life would or should have been like.  Things just weren’t right at all.     
Through this hatred of my parents and others, I felt I could not trust anyone, and I saw that I had no support for the ‘real me’.  My father said to me one day ‘I had no direction’.  For direction, one must have a destination and a purpose, neither of which I could fathom. 

I had secretly chosen abstinence and rebellion as my direction, partly in the attempt to get revenge on the system, and all those whom I so desperately hated in my life, and partly due to religious programming given to me at an early age.  It was like a form of mental suicide, not considering the consequences or how things would play out.   So I began to just ‘go with the flow’, hoping for a better future.

There was another person in particular through which I developed an extreme dislike.  The father of a friend of mine I perceived as very egotistical, macho, bullying, and belittling type of person.  He attributed great value to rich people in the world, and could care less about the poor or less fortunate. He had all of the ‘how to get rich books’ on a shelf, I recall.  I resented that personality so much that I made it my life’s purpose ‘not to be rich’ or ‘successful’ in spite of him, and unwittingly, spiting myself.  

In high school, i clearly saw the falseness of the system, through which I developed the idea that I would rebel against it.  I hated the monotony and the idea of pigeon-holing myself into a career.  I romanticized the idea of ‘living for today’, and settling for whatever happened in my life… I would find a way to ‘just get by’. 

I was not motivated by fear, choosing rather to value friendships and relationships, not realizing how insincere they were.  I genuinely cared about ‘genuine’ people, yet little did I understand that without money, your options become extremely limited, and your perceived value and capacity to do anything is greatly diminished.

What are the Main Points/Reasons of Self-Denial?
Interestingly, I did not trust myself because of disturbing images that came into my head when I was young.  I did not understand or know the source of these images, and thought that they were ‘part of me’, so I became fearful of myself, that I would harm someone, thinking myself to have some kind of evil within me.  Little did I know of how the program works, and the actual truth that I am not these thoughts, but they are preprogramed, impulsed mind projections. 

Self-judgement - leading to Self-Blame - leading to Self-pity.  From that develops the positive energy experience in the mind as the hope in the form of an external belief as a future escape/redemption from self here.

What are the Patterns and Consequences of Self-Denial?
Uncertainty and lack of Self-Trust
Hiding self
False Personality, Identity, Characterization
Escapism and Externalized Beliefs
Going into a ‘Shell’
Inferiority
Fearing of Self Expression/Introversion
Giving Up Easily
Aversion and Procrastination
Poor Decision Making
Irresponsibility to Self and Others
Limitation and Pessimism
Ineffectiveness
Unrealized/Wasted Potential
Self pity
Self hate
Resentment
Regret
Diminishment and Death

Conclusion
It is no wonder I had so much anger, severe anxiety problems, and Self-Denial within me through the years.  You would think in our society there would have been someone who noticed or actually cared enough to assist me to see the starting point of these issues and resolve them, so I could understand myself.  This simple understanding could have resolved a world of problems for myself and others.  Yet that is the nature of our systems, false caring and self-centered disassociation.  Only now at the age of 41 do I understand how these things have affected my life in such a profound way.  Not to blame, as we all have participated in creating and allowing this.

This is the reason we face so much severe consequences in our world.  We pretend to be responsible, yet we are absolutely irresponsible to life.  We are not life.  We are merely selfish and inconsiderate robots pretending to be life with pathetic excuses as to why we can’t take responsibility to be real and honest. 
Self-Denial is the worst thing we can possibly do to ourselves.

Self-forgiveness to follow…

Day 130 – Self Denial

 

 

Reaction/Feeling Dimension

Resentment. Like I haven't been myself, and I feel as if I am stuck within consequence of my own dishonesty with myself.  I am not stuck I realize, I am here, yet there is much consequence associated with this point. The emotional reaction I have has to be cleared. So I feel like I want to be angry with myself, but I realize I cannot, there is no escaping it when it is here as me.  So I want to go into resentment and feeling down as I feel I have no alternative, and I feel I need to express to myself my own disappointment with myself. What can I do with this feeling, if I get rid of it by grounding it, it will come up again. So what is the source of the issue, and how do I move from here. If I must express it, I do so through writing so I can see the point. So I am upset with myself, and others as blame for not helping me to see this issue.

Physical dimension

Looking at this point within myself this evening, I was so upset with myself, so distraught, so resentful, so angry, so hateful towards everyone and everything... I just had to lye down in my lazy chair so I could slowly dissect it to see the starting point. As I approached the point I felt heavy and tired, overwhelmed, almost sick.  Just wanting to take a walk and escape myself.  I thought I had cleared it but obviously not, because I had a reaction and the point still exists. Such a massive point, so many points attached to it... it drains me of energy. Much to write out here. I have literally embodied this point as myself for my whole life and I had hidden it within so many layers so as not to have to face it. Yikes. Its like finding this massive wound on my body that I had ignored for so long, allowing it to become infected, and eating away at me.  Everyone has done it to themselves to a certain extent.  I will continue writing about this in the posts to come, along with self-forgiveness and self-correction in great detail. 

Day 129 – Where is Self-Will?

There must be some ‘Will’ within myself… as I continue to live on…? Sadly, I’m beginning to realize, that Self-Will has through time, been beaten into submission, through many years of Self-Compromise… many years of exchanging Self-Will, for hopes… dreams… and illusions.

Strange that I should even be asking myself this question.  WTH? Should it not have been apparent from the very start of my life – and never questioned?  How is it even possible… that I have lost track of, or was ‘unaware’ of Self-Will? 

It’s all quite clear to me now…   As I kicked, and screamed, and fought for what I thought was right...  desperately running after the mirages, trying to free myself, trying to escape from this whole indescribably miserable experience of myself.

The only answer I could see was to try and be happy, but I knew very well I was not, no matter how hard I tried to fool myself, the nightmare was always there… haunting me, in the back of my mind. My disguises were so clever I could even have made the devil himself jealous. I didn’t even recognize myself for the outward joyful appearance, trying to hide that awful thing inside, so as not to concern or upset anyone of course.

So Self-Will was left bruised and battered, lost in the confusion, trampled on, and left for dead.  Then, when I figured all hope was lost, I tried to recover Self-Will.  Surely god would have the answer… yes, I’ll go to church! 

I felt happy for a while, furnishing my mind with beautiful thoughts of heaven, and love in the hope they would someday come true for me, and I would pass the test, and be free.  But again, Self-Will I found, was compromised even further.  This wasn’t me at all, I was trying to be so ‘good’, trying so hard to be accepted by god and everyone else…

Then came Enlightenment, that made me happy, for a while. But that euphoria too wore off, and I was left feeling frustrated, useless and empty.  It felt like there was nothing left but the fantasies and fairy tales I held onto in my mind.  World of Warcraft and the Lord of the Rings seemed to be my last remaining flicker of hope, and they seemed to pacify all the inexplicable thoughts and suppressed emotions. 

Eventually I was introduced to a new perspective, which caused me to question my deepest beliefs, and my fears, about who I was.  It was at that point that I actually began to question myself, and face myself.  It was Equality – “of course!” I said to myself as I wiped my face with my hands in an attempt to wash away all the deceptions I had allowed myself to fall for. 

The realizations I began having were astoundingly undeniable. They were ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in a way.  Good because this was something that I desperately wanted to experience and live for myself.  So I decided to follow it, despite what god or anyone else thought about the idea.  It was finally time I made a decision for myself, for the first time in my life it seemed.

The ‘bad’ part of the realization was where I began to understand who I was, and my place in the universe… and what I had done to myself… how I had been my own Judas, selling myself out for a few pieces of silver-lined dreams that I hoped would make it all better, or at least help me forget this ever present, living-nightmare.

I have ultimately come to realize, here with Self-Will now withered and on life support, dying of exhaustion and neglect.  Fuck it.  There is no use… just pull the plug and let this thing die…

It was never real.
I was never real with myself. 
All I have ever known was how to compromise myself, being stimulated by thoughts… lust, anger, self-righteous judgements, and fear. 
I was never honest with Self-Will.
I was a fake Will.
I abused Self-Will
So its time to say goodbye,
To Self Will…
That old Self-Will must die,
….----………----…………----………….----…..----…..---….----……………………..……………………………….----…………………………….……………………………………………………………………………………………               ______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________.

So that a new Self-Will can be Born
Free from Self-Compromise
And in Absolute Equality and Oneness

Becoming Life for the first time in the History of the Universe.  Hmmm…  Is it just me?  Or is anyone else extremely curious to find out what it would be like to actually LIVE for real??? 

Day 128 – Comfortable Prison

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize my responsibility to myself and all within my daily application, and that there are actually things that I can accomplish that would have an effect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subject myself to the idea that little effect is virtually no effect, therefore not worth the effort, when in actuality a little effect is what allows me to change the larger effect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I become tired in the morning that I can not push through that resistance, that the tiredness feeling will stay there all day if I do not rest.  I realize that I must physically stand up and move myself to shake it off so that I can use my time efficiently and effectively. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being uncomfortable, and so fear moving myself, being content in the temporary comfort within the mind-made prison I have created for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drift into states of consciousness, hypnotized by comfort within the belief that if I just don’t do anything, I can minimize the expense and risk, in the fear and belief that I will not accomplish anything significant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself through avoiding my responsibilities to myself and all in the reluctance to move myself because I have allowed my mind to dictate to me that I would rather just relax and exist in blissful comfort, not realizing that this bubble is sure to burst.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run from myself and hide in comfort, without realizing that placing myself outside my comfort zone in situations of discomfort will assist me to support myself and others in doing what is necessary to be done to support Equality of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define comfort as ‘good’ and discomfort as ‘bad’.  I realize that all situations must be faced so that all can be Equally comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be double-minded, as seeing myself desiring to have the best of both worlds, where I perceive myself to be a certain ‘good’ character walking the process, yet at the same time I have allowed energy systems to play out without fully recognizing and stopping what is happening and pushing myself through the wall of resistance within clearing my starting point and breathing. I realize that I am accepting and allowing myself to go into energetic reactions because I perceive that there is no ‘value’ in pushing myself through resistances in the morning in particular.

I commit myself to re-define comfort to taking responsibility to change myself – despite my personal desires to just drift away in relaxation – to push myself through resistances by moving myself and breath awareness, doing what is required to be done and living what is best for all in each moment. 

I commit myself to realize that to push my resistances even a little bit is not wasted effort as I begin to accumulate myself here and realize that it is not necessary to be enslaved to energy and fears.

I commit myself to push my limitations I have created in my mind, where I choose to believe what I am able to do rather than do my best and see what transpires.

I commit myself to realize that there is one world, and I must not allow myself to be enslaved to energy as the mind - as the desire for heavenly experiences of myself in selfishness and the belief that I am separate.

I commit myself to addressing every item on my to do list every day and push myself to do even more than what I believe I am able to do.

I commit myself to pushing through moments of tiredness by getting up and walking or going outside.

Day 127 – The False Justification of Survival of the Fittest

From Wikipedia…

"Survival of the fittest" is a phrase originating in evolutionary theory, as an alternative description of natural selection. The phrase is today commonly used in contexts that are incompatible with the original meaning as intended by its first two proponents: British polymath philosopher Herbert Spencer (who coined the term) and Charles Darwin.
By the word "fittest" Darwin meant "better adapted for immediate, local environment", not the common modern meaning of "in the best physical shape"

Natural selection refers to differential reproduction as a function of traits that have a genetic basis.

 
Survival of the fittest, and/or natural selection is merely a subjective scientific observation defined within the context of communities/individuals competing for resources in the struggle to maintain their state of existence.   In no way does this theory justify itself as a valid reason to exist, for the sole purpose of surviving.    
 
It is simply what occurs within nature and our environment, and as such, it is but a limited concept and/or definition - not a full explanation - of evolution.  This ‘theory’ is incomplete, as it does not offer the entire process or reasoning as the total cause and effect behind why nature behaves in such a way, nor does it offer any insight as to why this type phenomena continues to occur.  It simply shows that creatures adapt, as anyone can see within our own lives, we all change according to what is present within our environment.  So, why is this theory so highly regarded? 
 
With the widespread adaptation and indoctrination of this theory within the education system, – which boils down to a series of simple observations and deductions - many people erroneously lay claim to Darwinism as a “rule to live by” – as if to justify any and all actions/ behaviours carried out and motivated by survival. 
 
Interestingly, evolutionary biologists define ‘survival’ - those who are better equipped for surviving – within the context of reproductive success.  That is to say that - if one reproduce many offspring – one is successful.  This is based within the context of the evolutionary equation that the sole purpose in life is to reproduce.
 
So, if I were to measure my life experience based on this equation, according to these scientists, since I have no offspring, my life would be a total failure (lol). 
 
On the other side of the coin, if I were to live my life by this definition of success, I would have had to have sex with as many women as possible, and produced as many offspring as possible (regardless of the inherent responsibility for raising a child) and I would be regarded as successful! –  Is it any wonder many people actually behave this way in society? 
 
What is also greatly overlooked and omitted within this scientific description of how different species interact and adapt within their environment, is the initial cause for this behaviour.  Yet our scientists are incapable, or unwilling, to see or take into account anything beyond what is observable with our physical senses.  They prefer to confine their conclusions within compartmentalized fields of research and refuse to connect the dots to provide an all-encompassing solution to the problems their observations present.   Science may try to make sense of observable reality, yet the omission of critical and essential elements which make up the entire equation (that which is not seen or considered) makes the whole practice of science completely biased and devoid of actual validity, thus entirely irresponsible.
 
If we take the human physical body for example, we can see that the inner workings of the body does not function according to competition and survival of the fittest, nor could it.  All parts of the body share the resources that are available, if the heart would hoard all of the blood, other parts of the body, and thus the whole body itself would die rather quickly.  If a part of our body becomes injured, the body acts to heal itself.  Individual cells do not act in self-interest, they do what is necessary to be done to correct the situation, even if it means their own demise, in essence, they sacrifice their own existence so that the body as a whole may continue to live. 
 
Therefore ‘survival of the fittest’ is not a valid mode of existence or evolutionary justification for one to live in self-interest, as clearly the consequences of such behaviour is leading us to destruction of our planet and a collective extinction. 
 
Science has not yet considered that life can exist, or ‘evolve’ by way of everyone participating for the best interest of all - to support life itself.  When we realize that we are all an integral part of this reality, it simply becomes a decision we must each take responsibility to make, because at this point, we really have no other choice, its either best for all, or the acceptance and allowance of our own self-destruction.   A rather simple mathematical formula can predict the outcome. What path will we choose to take for ourselves will decide our destiny?  Support the Equal Money System and Support Life.