Day 342

Jan 8

Part 2

Carelessness

Parent is abusive, demeaning, belittling, aggressive, angry... yet is trying to communicate a valid point within the child's behavior, example carelessness, or lack of consideration/foresight. Child reacts to the negative behavior of the parent, and within that reaction, the child labels the entire relationship as negative in an overarching state of blame/hate/anger, the child discounts all points presented by the parental authority figure, thus does not see or realize his/her responsibility... due to the child being in a state of distrust of the parents ability to assess reality accurately.

Devaluation

Must correct this point.

I seem to have a terrible lack of self worth, yet at the same time people have insinuated that I think that I am special. How can the two be synonymous?

The issue could be partially attributed to my past, especially early relationships, how I compared myself to others, judged, victimized, and sabotaged myself in the hope that retribution would someday come, and I would be vindicated by god. It is something that can be corrected, although it is a deep level construct ingrained over many years. Incidents like this show me the point is not yet cleared.

I wanted to escape life because everything was so 'wrong', I wanted to correct it, but I did not see my own starting point of selfishness within that desire. I recognize that now, so I should be able to correct it and stand as an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that I am 'less than' or 'better than' in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape myself and my responsibility to stand as an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself having low self esteem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is somehow better to have low self esteem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ok to abdicate myself in the belief that I am being humble, and others will recognize (and take responsibility for) who I am within myself. I realize that it is my responsibility to assert myself as my beingness, and that self suppression is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is some invisible force picking up after me in the mess that I leave behind as the pieces of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is an alternative to creating myself as life.