Day 334

Sat Dec 31

I suspect that I have hidden desires of wanting to be... helpful, cool, attractive, funny, wise, etc, etc. So what is preventing me from being public is the fear of NOT being those things and exposing my weaknesses/mistakes.

Wanna be this

Don't wanna be that

Fear of not being able to be trustworthy, not trusting myself, not trusting the process.

Fear of being useless,

not pushing myself to create

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden desires of wanting to be helpful. I realize that this is a character/personality trait which represents an insecurity as me wanting to be valued by others so that I can add value to myself, and so justify feeling better or greater about myself, so that I can acquire more good feelings about myself without feeling guilty. Within that, there is fear of the outcome, as fear of losing value, losing dignity, and losing value in the eyes of others. I recognize that this is all false valuation 1. Desiring value of others as respect/credit/fame/honor. 2. Desiring for myself the belief that I am more worthy/valuable than others/Life.

So what is the real value? Contributing to the process of creating Life as what is best for all, whether mistakes are made or not, as mistakes can be just as helpful as no mistake.

Am I hiding my value? If I do not recognize my own value (thinking that I am useless etc) then my real value is not being appreciated or expanded upon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire honor for myself in self interest. I desire honor for Life as Equality as what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I do not have control of myself - based on past experiences. I realize that this process is about letting go of the past through self forgiveness, and realizing that I determine what I do in each moment - self responsibility - so that I can stop creating disastrous consequences for myself that only manifest aversion, destruction, guilt, shame, and regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a showoff, to fear being seen as better than as my physical body attributes such as size, agility, strength. Within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as better than or less than for physical body attributes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for non physical attributes such as intelligence, title, and character traits of the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to see my own trustworthiness before actually applying physical self trust. This is showing me that I am in a point of fear of failure and fear of self judgment. Thus within that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failure and judgment of myself and others which prevents me from walking the point of self trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that 'its all my fault' yet not in those specific words, hidden through unspoken moral standards, code of ethics, societal norms in the back of my mind as points of blame. Within that, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the suppression of the self-directive by the conscious mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not measure up to my own subconscious and unconscious expectations. I realize that I must take responsibility to address these fears specifically, at the same time I commit myself to be patient with myself as I may not see all aspects or dimensions of these pre programmed fears within myself immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire sex exclusively in self interest. I realize that there are many dimensions to self, and sex is not the ultimate self expression that it is made out to be.