Day 331

Tuesday Dec 27

Found it difficult getting out of bed this am. Difficult to trust myself to move towards my goals as the belief exists that I have already failed beyond the point of recovery, thus what is the point in trying? Is there anything to live for but to face the shame and suffering of who I have accepted and allowed myself to become? I do not know for certain what other surprises are waiting for me in my future, so it is unwise to project or make false assumptions. I really need to stop projecting and making assumptions as they only cause problems for myself. Can I stand in equality in each moment? What kind of force will that require? I sense fear of disappointing others. I have noticed how I manipulate some situations where I meet someone and the 'I'm confused' character appears in order to alleviate tension - it is just a character I use so that I can try to put the other person at ease, as my mind works in the background to most often escape the situation or achieve my own self interest. I would much prefer to be myself, the same in each moment here, not manipulating. I realize I have built up this character and others like it over an extended period of time as a means of survival. Making myself aware of it so that I can stop it and stand equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have failed beyond the point of recovery, and that no one cares what I do either way, thus what is the point in trying. I realize this is a mechanism of the mind that does not allow for the possibility of self forgiveness. This so that I will go into a point of condemnation of myself and give up so that I can go into patterns of self abuse. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into patterns of self abuse through giving up on myself, through not realizing that I am able to apply self forgiveness and change in each moment despite how I am feeling that I have failed. Failure is not an option and giving up does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project false ideas and false assumptions onto my future based on the idea that there is nothing to live for but to face shame and suffering. I recognize this as a projection of my mind as a result of me not being here in breath, but fearing potential future outcomes rather than creating myself in the moment to live my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate situations in order to gain self interest for myself. I realize I must support myself within the money system, however I do not require myself to access characters of manipulation in order to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I am disappointing others. I realize this as a projection and assumption as long as I do not confirm how another is seeing me through communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek energetic stimulus without introspection to remember the other dimensions of myself and what is necessary to be done so that I can be completely 100 percent clear and good with myself with no regrets of how I chose to apply myself. I understand that there is no choice, and that choice is an illusion.