Day 362

Jan 31

My apologies for the absence.  What I really wish for in my life is for myself to stand as, and in support of Equality as Life. I am creating myself within a role of responsibility to myself and others in a way in which I can be Confident and Considerate within Awareness. This way I can move forward in the way I see as Best for All, including myself.

I realize I am not special within this, as such is foundational within Equality, though I have participated within inferiority/superiority polarities in times past. Having said that, there are a number of reasons why I may come off in an offensive manner. Understandably, there are still points I require to walk in my process which have yet to be corrected and are in part due to past programming.

I can be outspoken and frank, in direct contradiction to conventional norms of the system. I can at times have a tendency to be overly zealous to a point of over-correction, not giving enough forethought to my actions. I have in the past desired to help others, and I understand how that can have an adverse effect, in that I realize each person must stand up for themselves, by themselves. 

Through this, I realize that I must expand my awareness to consider what direction is best given a broader perspective. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to protect everyone from myself as the projection of my worst case scenarios. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relationships based on past relationships. I see this as a point of me irrationally fearing facing points within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as naive or less than in that I suspected there was a point which I did not see which everyone else was aware of. I realize that this is a point of self trust which I must walk, and as such, I must trust myself that through self honesty I will be able to see what is necessary to be addressed, and that others will support me to see the actuality and what is necessary to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others when they are attempting to assist me to see points which need to be addressed. I realize that this stems from childhood programming where I would fear being reprimanded etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to get back at others indirectly through punishing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as not good enough through the assumption that I must have missed something through my own fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take things personally and jump to the conclusion that I am to blame, I was the one who was wrong and at fault. I realize that it is simply a matter of me learning to take responsibility for myself, and within that I must not blame or condemn myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the situation was unable to be resolved, which is a point of me being narrow minded and not allowing myself to investigate my options.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear (as assumptions and jumping to conclusions) that I was being too pushy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to jump to fight or flight reactionary syndrome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict and thus seek to avoid conflict rather than addressing the situation directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as quirky, weird, or strange and thus creating an excuse and justification for rejecting myself as not able to fit in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself based on my projected results as my life situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I would corrupt others as there are still points which I require to walk.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the irrational fear that I am creating more problems.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear rejection. I realize the solution is self acceptance and moving myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the inferiority/superiority construct

Day 361

Jan 28

Part 3

Art with a message.

Part 2

Just had a convo with x. I find it very challenging to communicate. Like swimming against a very strong current. I have to stay in alignment with myself and not allow myself to be drawn into a situation that would cause me to compromise myself or others.

My head still hurts very slightly in the back from the headache this week. Felt a slight pain in my spline today. The coffee I had from Bridgehead was soo good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act in lust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need excitement as stimulation in order to live.

Living Words

Commitment

Focus

I am Honor

I am Self Honesty

I am Motivation

I am Consideration

I am Awareness

I am One

I am Creator

I am Here

Day 360

Jan 27

What I do (and do not do) is for others as well as myself.

I have been given a tremendous amount of support.

Part 2

Strengths - Supportive, Frank,

Weaknesses - Lack of Self Direction, Inferiority, Aversion, Distraction, Escapism, Dogma, Stagnation, Giving up, Self judgment, Misplaced Trust, Lack of Self Confidence, Uncertainty, Frustration,

Give attention to self creation

Part 1

Activity x last night. During the day I allowed myself to become charged. Looking at the point I see that there is a 'giving up' within myself, giving up on myself with the justification of me not having enough money. Quite lame when I think about it, however this is what I have allowed for a very long time in my life. Fear that I will not be able to be myself, I can remember from childhood. Fear of standing up to the projected reactions of others.

Referring to chess... You can't play if you don't win. Hoping for a good game.

Day 359

Jan 26

Part 3

In a way, hid from having a 'love' relationship. Wondering if that is preventing me from connecting with myself

Examine things from multiple dimensions.

Time, Conscious, Sub conscious, Unconscious, Impermanence, Samsara (wheel of suffering), Self Interest, Equality,

Part 2

Feeling very Frustrated, Angry, Nihilistic, Doom, Negative... Guilt, Shame, Regret, Embarrassment, etc. Don't take it personally.

Part 1

Dream

Side note: When I was younger I told my parents that I wanted to be a rockstar.

There were a bunch of rock stars and I in this parking garage. It was some kind of party and I was singing the song Cryin with Steven Tyler. There was a lot of excitement and I was putting all of my effort into singing. It was a blast - even though neither of us could remember the words properly, for which I was rather embarrassed.

Definition

Self Honesty - Our primary relationship with Self - To be One with Self - Thereby enabling Self to see from all perspectives so that one may assist, support, care for, understand, realize, encourage, motivate, inspire, strengthen, and accept the physical Self in all ways. To be physical, as One opposed to physical and mental as duality.

Directive

Remove ALL Limitations for investigative purposes

Networking - Enables growth

Perspective on Suffering - it is a gift within the sense that it allows us to become more aware of our mortality, thus we can Appreciate what time we are given, and simultaneously realize that we are not in the physical reality forever - thus use our time effectively.

Regret

I tried to see the bigger picture early in my life, and I did so in as much as I had the capacity to do so, hence religion where I assumed god to be the solution, where if all stood with god, then all problems would be easily resolved... which is accurate, yet not the entire story. I did not realize (or did not see, neglected, denied) my responsibility to myself, and that is a point of regret. Will I ever get over regret? I see that I have to accept what is in the past and use it as guidance for myself.

Shame

Result of perceived failure, humiliation. Forgive and Let Go of past.

Breathe and Push to Birth Self as Life in the physical.

Frustration is Grasping - Suffering

Day 358

Jan 25

Guy came to look at the car today. I told him it did not overheat. He drove it for 2 mins and it overheated. I felt bad because he drove an hour to come and see the car. In the moment, I acted on my bad feeling and immediately defaulted my thinking to 'no deal'. Had I been aware, and rather than acting on my bad feeling, I could have seen the opportunity to suggest that we fill the car with antifreeze fluid so that he could make the trip home with the car.

Negative Thinking Pattern Consequence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act on the feeling bad reaction, and through that allowed myself to go into a dead end pattern of 'no deal' out of my reaction which in turn cost me the opportunity to resolve the issue and solve the problem for myself and the other individual.   

Day 357

Jan 24

Wicked headache yesterday and last night. Dull pain, primarily in the right back of my head. Uncertain what the cause, still feel a little nauseous today.

Self Honesty - The process of changing oneself into a point of standing as the principle of Equality as what is best for All Life. There are different stages of Self Honesty. Ultimately changing the physical to not be directed and controlled by Self interest and/or energetic charges as feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at the physical today while I was working on changing my toilet.  

Day 356

Jan 23

What is my soul purpose in life? To redefine myself and recreate myself as BFAL.

What talents and natural abilities do I have?

Dexterity, breaking barriers, typing skills,

Living words

I am HONOR

Day 355

Jan 22

From a certain perspective, suffering is a gift.

Certainty>>Trust>>Process>>Self

sore throat, increased heart rate and slight feeling of weakness after smoking some marijuana.  Acronym for 'Mary do you wanna'?

Self Forgiveness>>Slow down>>Breathe>>Let Go

I am Confidence

I am Self Trust

I am Here

I am Stable

I am Self Forgiveness

I am Able to Let Go of the past

I am

Day 354

Jan 21

Identifying the backchat characters.

Healing character - when I feel bad for someone else ex. the lady I met at the bar last weekend was shaking, I felt pity and took her hands in mine and said 'why are you shaking'.   

Day 353

Jan 20

The Goal must always remain within Awareness.

Feeling down. I feel grateful for having a productive day and a good meal, a nice walk, a chance to relax by myself.

I must stop defining and associating my feelings and emotions (as good or bad) in self interest. Stop the positive/negative charge associated with inner feelings so that I may move myself in the way that is best. Who knows what is good or bad? False definitions. Self Interest. Deception.

Bernard Quotes

https://bernardpoolmanquotes.wordpress.com/

Although process seem to be forever–it is in fact always one breath away from total change.

In the virus free mind I did statement as the ‘I am’ statements– I did that as me in the living flesh –creating me as the statements– no feelings, no faith, no belief — the total dedication to become those words as the living flesh.

This is the living word that is god — where you are the creator of yourself and not the creator of an illusion of energy and polarity of feelings and experiences.

The living flesh shows clearly what is best for all flesh.

Part 2

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LETTING GO is a large part of dealing with energy... I realized that a LONG LONG time ago, yet I have not applied that technique within the application of thoughts/energy! That is like the umbilical cord to the mind. Realizing the Grasping, Attachment, Desire, birth/death rise/fall principle, ALL IS SUFFERING.

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Let Go of Attachment to Illusion

Embrace Self in Forgiveness

Purifying Self so that We may Create what is Best For All Life

Part 1

Tiled my bathroom floor today. Had to push myself to create physical energy to do the work. I seem to be developing some belly fat. Need to work it off somehow.

Wake myself up.

Pull myself together

Find some kind of enjoyment.

Work towards goals.

Re Affirm goals

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear relationship so much that I prevented myself from facing the point, and instead chose isolation, where I chased after endless thoughts in hopes that one day it would be real.

Quote

The True Spirit of Life can only be Realized through Equality

Day 352

Jan 18

Part 3

Problem - Money

Solution - Get work

Problem - Discouragement

Solution - Realign with Goals (Visualization and exploring options)

Problem - Abandonment

Solution - Blame

Problem - Hopeless

Solution - Set a Small Goal

Problem - Dogma

Solution - Let go of knowledge, apply in the physical

Problem - Doubt

Solution - Learn to Trust the Process

Problem - Shame

Solution - Laughter

Problem - Over eating

Solution - Busy

Problem - Lust

Solution - Slow down, Alignment

Problem - Uncertainty

Solution - Alignment

Problem - Misunderstanding

Solution - Act from the correct understanding

Problem - Will Power

Solution - Simplify

Problem - Anguish

Solution -

Part 2

Dream

I was with a large group of family. There were horses and camels owned by our family. I took a camel out swimming in the water. Once I got the camel out into deeper water, I let it go and it swam away. When I got back to shore, I saw it walking up on the other shore with the saddle on its back. I felt terrible about letting the camel go. Others knew that I had let the camel go as well. Part 2 of the dream. I was at a large rodeo barbecue again with family. There were races and I had numbers taped onto me, on my back, front, legs, arms, and feet. There was a race to get back to the cars, and everyone was excited to get back. I took a wrong path and was stopped by some kid who was standing at a gate with a fairly large crowd in the rafters behind him. He told me I had to remove all of my numbers before I could pass through the area. I took off all the numbers and put them in my cart. I eventually ended up in a car. There was a woman in the car with me who seemed happy to see me. I saw myself in the mirror - I had a big grin on my face, yet I seemed distorted and one eye was dark. The woman said she had something for me and proceeded to kiss me. Her lips felt very full, round, and it was exciting to kiss her.

The camel represents carrying too many burdens and problems on your shoulders.

Stop judging physical

Modern day Shaman Theme

Abandonment construct

Solution acting or pretending I have the solution as practice. Theater.

Djembe Networking Video.

Storytelling - Develop a story. Virtues. Awareness. Create Confidence. Trust issues.

Not understanding the scope of existence, how time works.

Problems to Solutions.

Part 1

Judgment is a result of the inferiority/superiority standpoint.

Oppression >> Dogma, hopelessness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by the dogma, mannerisms, personality types, and tenets of my ancestors.  

Day 351

Jan 17

Fantasy campfire visualization to align to self enjoyment. Hand Music playing.

Find a way to motivate, inspire, and share myself and/with others.

Just watched a video on a shamanic journey. Afterwords envisioned Aragorn saying the line "I have seen the white city", referring to Gondor. Aragorn representing Equality, it felt like a breath of fresh air, as a reflection, it was as if I were to find a part of me which I have been missing.

Directive Quote

Summon Willpower through Awareness and Self Discipline

Plan a hiking trip/Journey

Small Self Discipline - Fasting from Coffee for Today as there is pain in my throat.

Day 350

Jan 16

Past

Driving this evening, I was struck by the feeling of resentment for me failing to realize my desire of having a really cool girlfriend when I was younger.

Visualize goals specifically. Create will power.

Problem: I am not yet able to force myself to do the things that I want to do! I have not been able to push myself beyond my limitations because I keep distracting myself through desire and self interest! Unable to complete goals - self doubt! Not enough foresight, discipline, and commitment. Goals not clarified or visualized strongly enough.

Have to go over my notes to delineate a plan  

Day 349

Jan 15

Part 2

Conceptualize dream - Music, Sound, Video, Profile, Share, Grow, Expand, Shaman (costume, necklace, headdress)

I forgive myself now and in my future for any mistakes or abuses I make.

There is always a Gift. Example, the coyote dying, not only did I realize a point within myself but I did not see the opportunity to use the pelt and bones. I could use those things to create a shamanic effects.

We are all Explorers.

We long to connect, not to our past as the world system would have through tradition, but to our source through our physical expression. There is enjoyment in those milestones.

Entitlement

quote

We must risk everything to create our dreams as ourselves.

ENJOY the process of Creating yourself - Tom Bombadil/Shaman/Druid - Meadowbreeze Dandelion.

Silverwood

Cosplay Druid, Shaman, Warrior, Priest Costumes

Elrond to Aragorn - "Put aside the ranger and become who you were born to be"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be the master within relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be insensitive.

Part 1

Desire for intimacy this am. Angry, frustration. inside. Lust is not the way to achieve what I want in life.. In my past I have allowed myself to believe lust was the solution to solving the inner anguish - which was real - as built up anger and frustration from being angry with myself and unable to communicate and express my frustrations. Resentment began very young in relation to adults and me being frustrated with myself because I saw how pathetic I was being and I was ashamed of myself.

I recall wanting to see my X dead, wishing and hoping for revenge in my head. I hated X, and eventually I despised X. I still despise X when I see what a fucker X was in life, fucking irresponsible, selfish, bigshot, scumbag, piece of shit. I hated X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project blame as hate onto my parents/ancestors.

I have been channeling all of my inner emotion/rage/hate/love into sex to try and alleviate the accumulated energy and feel better, yet it was not the most accurate solution.

The giving, receiving, and sharing aspect of relationships was cut off due to so much inner shame, guilt, and turmoil. Is there a method in which I can use this point as initiative to correct myself??

Day 348

Jan 14

Part 3

Resentment

(Teal tips)

Perceptions of injustice - unwilling to accept , tied to emotions.

Creates Distrust, Betrayal, Wall of Protection, Victim (Right), Ego, Justification

Resentment supports feeling like a good person

Was I unfairly treated? I feel people were irresponsible in assisting me with my false perceptions (religion, fears, lack of scope, lack of direction etc).

Trying to gain safety by placing myself in a superior position.

What specifics am I resentful about?

Is there self-resentful? yes.

What is the impact this resentment is having on my life? What are the direct consequences? Relationships

Solution: Letting go and Acceptance

Why am I Unwilling to accept that?

Resentment is trying to kill other people by drinking poison.

What really bad thing would happen if I were to let go of the resentment? Fear of Repetition.

Deal with powerlessness by focusing on solutions.

Look at the worst case scenario.

Anger/Rage from Powerlessness spiral

How can I empower myself?

Acknowledge victim mentality (powerlessness)

Feeling Fearing like I failed to take responsibility (self blame)

Seek silver lining in resentment scenarios.

Correct how I have taken things personally.

Feelings internalized through what I did not express - fearful of rejection

Clarify what the expectations were/are.

Create the resolution.

Part 2

What would I do if I could do something with my life?

Create an Adventure. Maybe a short story would help to outline it. Then perhaps I could record it as a narrative, or make a video. Need sounds and fantasy drawings. Fairie Tale type of things, with a kind of moral supporting theme such as stopping judgments or some depiction of value.

Part 1

Headaches as a consequence of me applying quick fixes in my life. Fear of failure - quick fix - destructive consequence. I want to say that I did not understand the scope of my life. At the same time, I must admit to self dishonesty as all is here evident. At the same time I must not condemn myself in that I am within the process of understanding the multidimensional aspects of myself.

Questioning myself as to whether the point of correcting my past abandonment complex. Is it simply a desire to fulfill a fantasy to make myself feel better? Is it harmful, abusive or destructive, or dishonest? Am I subjecting myself to energetic stimuli? Am I using another as an object? What if I am assisting and supporting another to realize... is that self interest? Am I being spiteful to the rest of existence? Is there a fear of rejection? What are the consequences I am not seeing?

Practice seeing deeply into multidimensional self with questions such as how can I change myself to be what is needed most by all? How has the (believed/assumed/projected) perceptions of myself by others affected my expression?  

Day 347

Jan 13

Part 4

Forgiveness statements must have Solution and Correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the process of paying the bills.

Become more effective in downtime. Learning to Train myself.

Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as Life out of the belief that I am special, or that I love Life more than others. I do it out of pure Realization of the existent Self here as trapped within its own feedback resonance, thus I cannot blame myself for having 'less love' or 'too little' love. I am fearing that I am not real, as an original resonance of the past. I do not know the answer to that, but it causes the question... Can a non-original resonant being become Life?

What force is required to push oneself through the vortex?

Change self into physicality to create a world that is best for all. To stop enslavement to energy systems and Life can be real, free, unconditional expression of itself.

Part 2

List issues to prepare for

Stagnation - Push self, discipline self.

I need self discipline because I am not achieving my goals effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear Self Discipline.

Redefinition

Discipline as a Useful Tool of Correction ex. rather than punching walls, do push ups as a form of Self Discipline. Polarity of Celebration.

All Punishment should be Encouragement and Self Discipline as Specific Correction to augment behavioral patterns.

Motivate Self from scratch/starting point each moment of unawareness. Back to beginning

Happiness is not the ultimate reward, however it can be a tool of perspective in process.

Buddhist Perspective on Self Discipline

Self Discipline is No Self Discipline

Learn from our successes rather than mistakes. That is to create self and trusting in the reward of life.

Smoking example

Define and Visualize Goals more effectively

Create Fun

Define Fun as a motivational tool

Create/Define enjoyment. Reward Self

Do not allow Discipline to be External to Self.

Create value as Life, in each moment transmute self as mental value to physical.

Buddhist perspective as no self, impermanence, all is suffering, Letting Go. Abandon self as thinking/fear. All is suffering in Samsara, even what I desire as lust energy.

The Raft simili - allows us to get from this shore to the other shore. Once we get to the other shore, we do not need the raft.

Discipline comes from within through Letting Go. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any value when I do not feel (enough) energy.

Finding Value in Self!

Create Self Encouragement - Brainwashing the mind, suggestion as direction, encouragement.

Train the mind - with Simplicity, Clarity, Gentleness, Skill, Tone. Training the mind is easy - programming.

Creating Will as a Quest - Going into More Doors

Getting self excited to move forward.

Train myself to learn to ENJOY work, that is to see past the deception/projection that I will not enjoy myself while performing responsibilities.

Put Joy, happiness into whatever I'm doing. Program

Address (deprogram) Rebellion, stagnation. Re-program.

Think outside of the box. Heavenly Visionary Process???

Stop Condemnation

Be Gentle, Humble, and Compassionate. See the opportunity within taking responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire lust as an energy fix, a point of excitement, as something to do without realizing the consequences of my actions.

How did I create the desire? Believing that I could attain value as love/comfort. To realize that there is no real love in lust, it is a diversion, an addiction, a quick fix for the pain of separation. How to realize this?

I invested so much into my design as sex/love, it is as if I am still trying to get value from it, or still trying to escape.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to constantly think in terms of getting/trying to get value for myself in self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can get love as value through sex.

(repeated) There are more dimensions to intimacy than sex. Sharing, giving, receiving, communicating, expressing, touching, caring, supporting, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Distract myself from the act Giving myself to Life.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the to Give oneself without fear is to initiate the process of becoming Life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being a fuck up in front of everyone.  

Day 346

Jan 12

Part 3

Creating myself as Naive in order to try and avoid the trap of ego, yet that did not turn out the way I intended it would.

Seeing myself from the perspective of others in order to See Self Worth. Its okay to be proud of oneself in understanding one has corrected ones past mistakes in order to restore ones honor within oneself.

Purge

Part 2

I am aware of my many haters... something that ought to have no bearing on my determination to stand for Life, if anything make me more steadfast and consistent.

You have ONE job in this life.

What if I were to sell my house now. Is it time to move on somewhere new? I feel that I would miss this house and all the amenities of the urban living, however who can know what adventures may await. Don't adventures ever have an end - B.B.?

Part 1

Issues Responsibilities and Consequences Relating and/or Contributing to Dimensions of Abandonment

Abandonment issues more prevalent, source of many problems. How to deal with it? What is the solution(s)?

Low Self Worth

- Solution - Create Self Worth through expanding Awareness and understanding self honesty, self trust, self expression.

Fear of making the wrong choice(s) and letting others down

- Solution -

Irrational fear. Projection. Unacceptable. Be decisive, considerate, within the realization that as long as I am being responsible to myself here, I will be able to correct any errant decisions

Fear that I am evil at source

- Solution -

I am aware that this is a falsity, as I have traced back my starting point many times, and I trust myself in my awareness of the course we have walked to get to this point. Evil is simply a polarity of Good, thus Good and Evil maintain each others existence, and cannot exist without one another.

Feel a Responsibility to be something which I am not exactly certain what

- Solution -

Create myself in defiance of the fear of the unknown. Push myself to Birth myself in the physical.

Frustration

- Solution -

When and as I feel myself getting frustrated, I stop myself and bring myself back to breath with the awareness that I have committed myself to freeing myself from enslavement to energy, thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Frustration - if it is to be real- must be created in the moment. Self directed.

Self Conscious

- Solution -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be Self Conscious, as worried about what others will think of me, thus allowing that Worry to direct and control me into ways which do not create what is Best for All. When and as I see myself worrying what others think of me, I stop and bring myself back here to breath so that I may let go of the worry as thoughts, and start creating myself as Life.

Don't seem to fit in

- Solution -

Create myself within the understanding that I have just as much right to exist as others. Equal Rights.

Unable to find my 'groove'/Self Expression (past fears)

- Solution -

Practice, apply, projects, goals. Djembe group. Dancing. Yoga.

Envy goes hand in hand with Lust

- Solution -

Realize the many gifts and experiences I have been given. Don't focus on Regrets, rather on who I am here, and what opportunities I can create for myself and others.

Inner Anger

- Solution -

Awareness of Extensive Suppression

- Solution -

Fear of Boredom

- Solution -

Fear of Failure

- Solution -

Dissonance

- Solution -

Spent my entire life escaping/abdicating/separating myself into enchanting mental fantasies

- Solution -

Regrets

- Solution -

Flag Regrets to change past memories. Don't allow Regret to fuel Ego and Self Sabotage. Ex. Xgf and I having sex near the street... change to sitting down and talking, clearing up communication so that we can understand one another, and how we can create ourselves as Life.

Self judgment

- Solution -

Purge all impurities of thought, word, and deed. Purge past memories. Purge perceptions. Purge beliefs. Purge ideas. Purge moralities. Purge all sin. Purge fears. Purge injustices. Purge trepidation. Purge hesitation.

Self sabotage

- Solution -

Assist and Support self to stand for Life. Bring self back here to breath. Physical Self Directed Movement as Breath.

Self punishment

- Solution -

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself based on how my parents were programmed to believe punishment was the proper course of action. I realize that it was necessary for me to learn that there was a problem with reality, and the necessity to correct myself

Weight of the world

- Solution -

The only weight should be my own physical, and the consequences I create for myself as assisting and supporting me to become Life. Work ethic is one determining factor is effectiveness of process.

Paralysis

- Solution -

Stagnation

- Solution -

Unable to move forward

- Solution -

Pessimism

- Solution -

Vocational Ineffectiveness

- Solution -

Financial Circumstance (debt)

- Solution -

Naivety

- Solution -

Extensive Religious Programming

- Solution -

Traumatic past Relationship experiences

- Solution -

Betrayal

- Solution -

Humiliation

- Solution -

Isolation

- Solution -

Addictions Past, Present, Future

- Solution -

Coping mechanisms

- Solution -

Health Issues past, present, future

- Solution -

Frequent Glucose Intolerance Headaches

- Solution -

Weakness

- Solution -

Lack of Energy

- Solution -

Throat problems

- Solution -

Diet

- Solution -

CO poisoning

- Solution -

Zodiac Personality Constructs

- Solution -

Physical Design

- Solution -

Solutions

Acting out or pretending as Practice. The practice of Being real is to deliberately Pretend. Initiate. Act.

Upset inside. Uncomfortable. Uneasy.   

Day 345

Jan 11

Part 2

Misinterpretation - knowledge filters cartoon

Learned from hating my parents that relationships are trouble, as I was always getting into or feared getting into trouble. Emotional anxieties. Family(ies) have a negative charge

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be driven and controlled by emotional energetic reactions when moving myself to eat food.

Entitlement happens when we do not realize our responsibility, and so fall into the belief that we deserve things in life, such as special treatment, free time, free choice, higher than average wages, etc.

Angry at women? Envy? Angry because I feel inferior to them in regards to the beauty construct. Angry because I felt betrayed, as I had expected them to know me on the inside, yet that was an unrealistic expectation I realize now. I remember a time I painted I hate females on my wall I was so upset with my xgf at the time. I feel as though I didn't measure up to my or their expectations. Failure, as the evidence that I have very limited capacity to express myself.

Part 1

Realizing the depth of my own psychological issues from

Low Self Worth

Lack of confidence

Identifying with the mind

Taking things personally

Abandonment

Hating the world (judgment)

Judging myself

Condemnation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a Low Self Worth valuation of myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see what points are contributing to Low Self Worth, and how those points are affecting my life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to fix Low Self Worth with abandonment, drugs, and fantasies of my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify Low Self Worth through the thought patterns of emotional anxiety and detachment in self pity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly desire to be better than in fear of survival and misunderstanding self acceptance, believing that I must be better than in order to be accepted/valued by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having intimacy/sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having any value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand the scope

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others having to look after and take care of my physical body.

I forgive others for everything that I blame them for, as I realize that they are my creation and I theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others and the world for the problems that I experience in my Life. I realize Equal responsibility for myself and all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect to push myself, thus allowing myself to constantly revert back to my default state of comfort which leads to stagnation and regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain without realizing what pain is communicating to me, and within that, pain ought not be feared but understood.  

Day 344

Jan 10

What is fueling my desire? Understanding/defining self expression

Is it the feeling that you are controlling someone?

Am I trying to control or manipulate others? On an unconscious level

Desiring an experience? Consciously

Is it necessary?

What is the outcome?

Fulfillment of what? Responsibility, Physical Movement, Exploring the Gift of Expression, Breathing Exercises, Discipline, Physical Directive, Fun, Facing Ego as Suppression.

Getting in shape

Taking my life back

TODO

Reversing the Interpretation mechanism

YogaCleaning

ExpandWords

TranceMusicDrummingMixSoundsWolfhowl Nature Crows Music Creation Software

Create a drumming dance circle/group

Art Keep it Loose

The Prophecy and Allegory of JRRTolkiens The Lord of the Rings Blog

Creating Self Worth - Birthing Self in the Physical - Push, Pain

Word: Sloth

Procrastination leading to suppression, abdication of self, regret as fuel for ego/revenge. Fear of taking responsibility, fear of self (Inferiority/Superiority) complexes.

Day 343

Jan 9

Residual shit. Don't get trapped in it.

Sensing my own self worth. No longer defined by the past, must be created withing the starting point of Equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be in such a rush to get somewhere. I realize that this is the systematic goading of preprogrammed consciousness.

Word: Lust

What is the nature of lust? Is it valid or invalid? How is it connected with/an allegory to our ultimate desire as the cessation of separation?

A manifestation of Suppression of self within the mind, as a consequence of inaction, hiding.

Stems from a point of suppression - neglecting to express self here in many moments over time, leads to lust (easy, quick fix) as a false solution. To stop enslavement to lust, we must apply and physically practice expressing/participating in all situations.

Day 342

Jan 8

Part 2

Carelessness

Parent is abusive, demeaning, belittling, aggressive, angry... yet is trying to communicate a valid point within the child's behavior, example carelessness, or lack of consideration/foresight. Child reacts to the negative behavior of the parent, and within that reaction, the child labels the entire relationship as negative in an overarching state of blame/hate/anger, the child discounts all points presented by the parental authority figure, thus does not see or realize his/her responsibility... due to the child being in a state of distrust of the parents ability to assess reality accurately.

Devaluation

Must correct this point.

I seem to have a terrible lack of self worth, yet at the same time people have insinuated that I think that I am special. How can the two be synonymous?

The issue could be partially attributed to my past, especially early relationships, how I compared myself to others, judged, victimized, and sabotaged myself in the hope that retribution would someday come, and I would be vindicated by god. It is something that can be corrected, although it is a deep level construct ingrained over many years. Incidents like this show me the point is not yet cleared.

I wanted to escape life because everything was so 'wrong', I wanted to correct it, but I did not see my own starting point of selfishness within that desire. I recognize that now, so I should be able to correct it and stand as an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that I am 'less than' or 'better than' in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to escape myself and my responsibility to stand as an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify to myself having low self esteem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is somehow better to have low self esteem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is ok to abdicate myself in the belief that I am being humble, and others will recognize (and take responsibility for) who I am within myself. I realize that it is my responsibility to assert myself as my beingness, and that self suppression is unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is some invisible force picking up after me in the mess that I leave behind as the pieces of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is an alternative to creating myself as life.   

Day 341

Jan 7 2017

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to start again immediately without self judgment upon realizing my state of (un)awareness until I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear energy as within the manifestation of the polarity of what is here - as a process of existence, non-existence, and death. I realize that it is my responsibility to create myself as Life, as what is Best for All.

Personal

Looking at the point of directing my energy as I feel a sense of desire within me. There must be a fear at work on a deeper level. When desire manifests, I realize that I must look deeper within myself in order to understand the implications of what that desire creates and manifests as.

I see that I have created myself within and as the point(s) of sex/lust/love. That is no excuse to not See the outflows of what consciousness creates. Physical dimension - go outside.

Perhaps creating some form of enjoyment expression for myself.

Talisman.

Slow down, breathe. Stop being enslaved to energy.

Redefining Sex

As opposed to slaving for a manipulative and quick energetic fix...

Sex can be described as - the entire process of building up to the self-aware, unconditional self-expression of being one with the source of all existence, grounded within understanding of the process of creating Life in the physical, free from enslavement.  

Day 340

Jan 6 2017

Have to correct my points of stagnation.

Dealing with the mind, I find it works in the same way money systems work in our world. That is, by way of distraction, subtraction, abstraction, extortion, distortion, Diversion, perversion, corruption, oppression, depression, suppression. Particularly for myself today I noticed the point of diversion, where my train of thought process was subtly diverted onto a sidetrack. I have not considered myself to have 'sinned' in this manner, only that I was not able to bring myself to a conclusive decision or understanding of the matter which was at hand. Being stuck in the decision making process can be a drag.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck in the decision making process. I realize that I must move myself along with a clear starting point of where I must go to create what is best for all life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Divert my attention into alternate realities of my mind, whichever suits my self interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to distract myself with thinking.  

Day 339

Jan 5 2017

Part 3

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself because I have not lived up to what I believe would have been my fullest potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my self created judgments from myself.

Live forgiveness

Part 2

Why happiness is not real. Reasons.

(From Desteni video on appreciation)

What is Value? What values contribute to the ultimate value? What principles contribute to the ultimate value?

What De-Value's me and my value?

Value/worth/appreciation leads to trust, as a guide (Sam)

Appreciation is a growing or increasing or giving of value. Can be expressed through gratefulness towards X.

We are aware of monetary value, and how that changes through physical depreciation.

Strange how I seem to be quite limited in my capacity to think outside the box. I do not see opportunities when problems present themselves, because I have been dishonest with myself in thinking that I must suppress myself in order to please others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be less than the best that I could have been in the past, and less than the best that I can be here in the present, for myself and as all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear trusting myself, in that I have feared myself - thinking that I was in some way evil in nature at the core of myself, which I realize to not be the case whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt myself in past, present, and future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all of my efforts are in vain, thus what is the point of even trying to change myself, or do what I believe is 'right'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my past mistakes, as my misunderstandings of myself and how existence was reflecting back to me, and so use the judgment as points of regret and condemnation so that I will remain stagnant and give up on my process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by the negative feeling of depression because of feelings of regret and self judgment of past misunderstandings of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that an energy fix is the solution to my regret and self judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand myself and how I work, and how all of existence works as a reflection of myself and what I accept and allow within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be seduced and seduce myself with energy, allowing it to supplant self honesty self trust and my the real expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself where self compromise was unnecessary. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in and accept a substitution for self honesty as that which is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to tempt myself with energy as a means of tantalizing myself (torture) through creating the belief that something is unobtainable, or forbidden (intimacy, self acceptance, belonging, expression) through self-created and inherited moralities, and so creating the fear that I will not be able to obtain this 'unknown' aspect of myself which is fear of loss, fear of shame, and fear of death (as a point of eternal separation - within that, denial of intimacy, acceptance, and expression/love), thus compounding that fear, and creating the actual experience of me believing myself to be inferior to my desire - thus extreme frustration, inner rage, ultimately leading to self hatred, isolation, shame, and self diminishment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not recognize aspects of myself and how to direct myself and/or correct myself to create myself in line with the principle of what is best for all existence/Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify self dishonesty or self harm directly or indirectly in any way (thought/word/deed).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself and so prevent myself from recognizing and realizing the magnificence of and as the utmost potential within creating what is best for all Life here on this plane.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my recognition and realization of the separated planes of existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not resolve my energetic issues.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow guilt to be the director of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create false expressions of myself as deceptive thoughts, words, and actions.

What is self expression? Asking myself again after I have asked the question of myself many years ago but never really had a clear understanding.

So I find myself asking myself within that 'what would I like to create' not just as myself, but as all of existence. Which in turn the only answer would be what is necessary to be created as Equality as Life so that we stop all enslavement and Life can express itself unconditionally. So self expression would as a necessity be an outflow of that which supports, facilitates, helps, and participates in the creation process of Equality as Life.,.. which must be done in self honesty and self responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as an outlet (replacement, coping mechanism, mode of escape)for inner frustration and dissonance - where I try to separate myself from what I need to address and change about myself, signified by the inner conflict, anxiety, and discomfort within myself.

I find myself attempting to purify my past, as the moments where I see and realize that I did not take responsibility for myself. Correct and forgive the memories so that I can be here and moving myself.

Day 338

Jan 4 2017

The tires for my car are near bald and dangerous to drive with, so I am stuck here today as there is a lot of snow on the roads. Bought a saw to cut tiles with yesterday, but it does not work with the blade I have. What to do. Anything productive?

I bought some new tires... had a dangerous drive out to the east end in a snowstorm. I returned the saw I bought and bought a 15 dollar blade instead... hope it works. The tires are definitely cool, and I got an extra 25 off.

I was feeling happy about getting the tires, then when I got home and had a game of chess, I felt slightly perturbed. I just got back from an errand, and I feel indignation, inner rage as a result of suppression, not being able to express myself. I feel trapped, like I have no outlet. I wish I had a punching bag to let some steam off.

Entitlement.

We feel a sense of entitled to be angry or to blame others, or that someone has to pay for how we were 'wronged'. This is a direct result of false perception where we have not taken responsibility for ourselves, and in so doing we believe that it is or was someone else's responsibility to make sure we never go through any difficulties or hardships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the feeling of indignation, where I want to be angry or blame others. I realize that the feeling of indignation can assist me to align myself and stop myself from creating harmful consequences for myself in my future. I do not wish to create harmful, abusive, or destructive consequences for myself or others now or in the future. I wish that all would realize equality, self responsibility, and self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed and controlled by the fear of future circumstance should I run out of money or some tragedy strike. I realize that there are no guarantees and regardless of what happens in the future, I must take responsibility for myself here in the present in the best way that I am able to do so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide false perceptions and personal belief constructs from myself so that I do not see what I am doing to myself and others, and I do not address what needs to be addressed and corrected in self honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not reach my potential, and/or fail at reaching my potential because of lack of money, or that I have failed in some other insignificant aspect of my life where I did not realize the weight of an issue or problem in sufficient time to correct it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and define my self expression as something specific, as opposed to spontaneously manifest sharply and with confidence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my self expression out of anger and taking revenge on myself and others indirectly through suppressing and withdrawing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to the extent that I punish myself and do not allow myself to express myself in a way that honors life through the gift of existence I have been given.

What am I trying to accomplish through self expression? Equality, commitment, dedication, passion, tenacity, forthrightness, directive principle, realization, understanding of reality and actuality, self responsibility, change, discipline, HERENESS, Adventure, awareness, excitement for Life, honor of Life. Male and Female aspects.

I suspect it will be necessary to discipline myself.